littlegoose

Oops. I think I never posted this. I'll try again.

Followup from my introduction thread:

I have read lots of general information on the best way to support an alcoholic in recovery, and I am applying a lot of the "family" based advice because I am the closest thing he has to family withing hundreds of miles of here. So already this situation is a little deviant.

I feel like the information I've been reading isn't enough. It tells me I'm doing everything right, but in our situation in could be wrong.

Anyway.

My Fish once lived on Kauai, visited a friend on the mainland, and never returned. Instead he married a woman with a 3 year old daughter, a schizophrenic mother, and a violently abused childhood. He thought he could save her. He was powerful, healthy, loved taking care of people...
Over the next few years the woman fell deeper in to alcoholism and drug abuse- her friends nicknamed her tank because she was drunk and high ALL the time.
Throughout the anti-communication passive aggressive relationship, Fish's drinking also increased. So did his depression, which he was somewhat predispositioned to.
To get money for nursing school Fish joined the military, and was stationed in Afghanistan while his wife and now 2 daughters lived in Italy. He was often told his wife was having an affair, but he never confronted the situation. His depression got to the point that he was discharged early due to mental health reasons.
He got the money for school, however, and started in a nursing program. Still drinking a lot and on antidepressants.
His wife had an affair with a mutual friend, then left him for said friend, halfway through school. She took the girls, and harassed him via phone and email, telling him to kill himself, until he did. He survived, spent two days in a coma, and woke up determined to fight back. He got back into school, taught swim lessons and was a lifeguard to make money on the side. He took up writing, drawing, and socializations again- though most of his social life took place in bars.

A year after his temporary death, the Fish I meet is shy, appropriate, well dressed, and very fun to talk to. We started dating in May. I noticed right away his depression meds and the fact that he drank much more than me (I thought I drank plenty during that time.) There was plenty to admire however. He was very intelligent, attractive, a talented writer, a devoted father, a straight-A student, a good home decorator, loved the outdoors, and spoke to housecats in strange high pitched voices. He was almost perfect. I needed more time to figure out if he was forward with his life, or just sliding into alcoholism.

Unfortunately it was the latter and his drinking got worse over the next few months. It was too bad- I really loved him, genuinely enjoyed his company most of the time. I admired pretty much everything about the man except for his drinking problem. I tried to warn him, but, as I found out, calling an alcoholic in denial an alcoholic just makes them deny harder.... until they're denying they're even drunk (after drinking two bottles of champagne in a couple hours).

I finally had to ask him if he would ever stop drinking, and his reply was "Never." So I cut my ties, blocked him from my phone and erased his contact info so I couldn't take it back even if I wanted to. I got rid of everything, love notes, photos, clothes left at my place. It was nice and freeing.

I forgot the email though. A week later he emailed me apologizing, telling me how much I meant to him, promising to stop drinking. I shot him down several times. He finally just told me he was going to stop drinking, and could I please consider giving him another chance to prove himself?

I was pretty much ready to ignore him until my son started talking about our fish, his younger daughter, how much he liked them, how much he wanted to see them...
No other person I've dated, nor other kid my son has been around, has left such an impression on him. I figured he deserved a chance to have a man he loved in his life (and a big sister too!), even if I didn't feel like our Fish deserved another chance.

I told him I would support him through his recovery in whatever way I could, but that he was solely responsible for the outcome. I was honest when he asked about the possiblity of a relationship. I told him I would most likely be interested in trying again if he is successfully sober and continues making progress with his life (getting back into school, working on bad communication habits, etc.) I also told him no promises. I have my son to look out for and a repetitively toxic relationship is not the right environment to raise a child in.

My Fish is now nine days sober. He's asked surprisingly little. When he's having a hard time, he likes to lay around in my living room and read the news and watch shows. Or when he's home, or out and about he texts me if things get rough.

Here's the part where I don't know if I screwed up. I got really sick on Thursday, was bedridden with a fever and a cough on Friday and Saturday. I couldn't take care of my son, no one else would help- I was considering finding a way to get him to the crisis nursery downtown until I was well enough to get up and walk. Instead, I let Fish come over and help out. He made sure my son had everything he needed, kept my kitchen clean, and washed my head and shoulders with cold water when my fever didn't respond to medication. And we talked a lot. We analyzed where things had gone wrong before. We talked about feelings behind certain words and actions that went unexplained. We talked about where we had dreamed and hoped the relationship would go. We kissed. It was lovely.

But I fear it might have been too much intimacy too soon. I don't want to distract him from his real purpose. His plan is to get sober, graduate and get his Nursing license, excercise and diet and get in shape again, get a good job on the coast, and then finally get a lawyer who will help him get his daughter back.

And heaven forbid he becomes so attached to me that I become a "cause" of this or that behavior. That would be the end for sure. :/
What should I do?

Hammer

jmho.

Maybe it is the "fish" name or something.

Sounds like you like to take care of things?

I am thinking you need a pet. Do you like dogs?

Pets you can take care of. People in relationships you cannot.

Thumper

It isn't your recovery to screw up and you are not the cause of anything. Now or ever.

Keep on keeping on. Focus on you and allow him to focus on him. The stickies at the top and the book Codependent No More are both good ways to start focusing on ourselves.

It is probably smart to take him out of the equation when making plans like sick care etc. but don't worry about what has already happened.

Hope you are feeling better!

littlegoose

No, I mean it in no way like a pet. I started calling him a fish because of his worshipful love of the ocean and obsession with swimming. He's a swim instructor, a lifeguard, and a free diver.

Likewise, he started calling me his bird because of my love of freedom, adventure, big open sky, and my inability to be stuck in one mode or place for long. I only have one direction, that is forward. I found the term less demeaning than "rolling stone." Also, I'm not a very good swimmer, so the opposites were fun to point out.

I find it easy to walk away when a situation no longer appears to work in my favor.

Please read my post again. He took care of me while I was sick. Took care of my son, washed my dishes, gave me emotional intimacy when I was feeling like crap, and then went home and gave me my space.He's never allowed me to take care of him in such a way even once.

Which is fine. I have a toddler and a cat, a band, and a business. I don't need anything else to take care of.

With that misunderstanding out of the way, any actual advice that is not in the form of snarky assumptions?

littlegoose

I'll try to remember that. Yeah, his involvement in that was not my first choice, but no one else would help, and I was too desperately sick to say no. Sucks.

Now, our NORMAL interactions consist of keeping in touch sporadically via text, and a couple times a week we either take my son to the park or he spends a few hours in my apartment either playing with my son, reading or writing, while I either nap, work on freelance assignments, or putter around doing my normal day thing ( cleaning, playing with cat, or playing with my son. Fish ( not the pet but a fierce ocean creature) has told me multiple times that the most effective way to curb his desire to drink is to be around kids.

Is THIS particular situation a good one at least?

Hammer

mkay. Yunno the saying -- Take what you like and leave the rest?

You are dealing with a 9 day sober person?

And are talking in details of YEARS ahead of life planning.

There is a reason the Programs advise "One Day At A Time."

Thumper

That sounds nice.

As he gets more into his recovery a lot of people get really immersed in meetings and sponsors etc. It is important and the work is emotional and draining and there isn't a lot left over. Don't take that personally if it happens.

Again - the stickies at the top have so much good information. Without knowing how much you've read around the boards - we talk about 'sides of the street' a lot here. Our side of the street has all of our 'stuff' on it and their side of the street has all the stuff they have control over and work on. Everyone benefits from staying on their own side of the street.

His recovery is over on his side of the street You don't have to worry so much if you are doing it right. If he is truly in recovery he'll let you know what he needs and that can guide you. If he isn't (and if he puts any of his recovery on your side he is not doing it right) - well then he will swim away and you'll fly away and that will be that.

Sounds like you have some boundaries already so keep focusing on those - they are on your side!

ladyscribbler

Fish ( not the pet but a fierce ocean creature) has told me multiple times that the most effective way to curb his desire to drink is to be around kids.
????
Is he working any type of program- AA or anything? That would be a good way to build a support system for himself so that he's not relying on you for so much. Since he is a veteran he can also get substance abuse counseling from the VA for little or no cost.
Have you tried Alanon for yourself? A lot of the questions you're asking are things that only you can answer. No one here is qualified to tell you what to do with your life and in this relationship. Working a program can help you to find those answers within yourself, to set boundaries that are comfortable for you and allow you to protect yourself and your son.

littlegoose

ladyscribbler I am either going to get back in touch with my therapist or get support from a group. I haven't gotten that far yet because I need to pack- I was hit with an as of yet unidentified autoimmune disorder. I had a hand and a leg partially paralyzed, among other things. I'm recovering, but I haven't worked my preschool job since the beginning of September and won't be able to return for a while. for help I'm moving in with my Mom in a nearby town. There's a good alanon group there, so I was going to check it out once I moved. He, on the other hand, is going to have to learn the hard way to rely on a bigger network when I'm no longer ten blocks away. He's stubborn, but he is also determined to succeed, so I think a few rough patches and he'll at the very least get a sponsor. I truly believe in his ability to recover.

Thumper, I did read several of the stickies and the code of conduct and a few threads before introducing myself. trying to glean the most information with the least amount of effort. lol. I missed the part on his stuff my stuff. Thanks for bringing it up. I'll utilize that.