Raider

Hellooooo SR. Never thought I would post about this. I think I'm on the wrong side of the street. So maybe some tips would be good. First off let me tell you I relapsed a week ago for two days. I'm back on a week sober. I know you want to stomp the snot out of me for that, but this post is not about that. But if you can't help yourself, stomp away. Feeling strong today.....

It is about H. And it's not about labeling him. I don't care what "it" is called. I need some coping skills that I know some of you possess. My H can take or leave a drink, for days for months, no Withdrawl issues (like I would have). This place is so small, you cannot help but notice everything he does. When he drinks, I am not inclined to join in. Only because when you are around a tipsy person, and you are sober....well, it's rather a turn off. He gets so chatty and so loud, it drives me crazy!! And I can't get away!! And he drinks then decides he will do some major work in here at 10:30pm. It makes me crazy. I try and try not to mention the drinking part, but I get so pissed, it comes out of my mouth.

And here is my dilemma. He put up,with my drunken crap for 15 years and barely said a word. I have no such patience. So I feel guilt when I say shut the F up. And we have been here less than a week.

So friends and family, how do you cope without exploding. I let myself get so irritated. Then I become snarky. I've been very snarky.

How do I not tackle him with the duct tape? Please advise. Nim at a loss in this side. Thanks a lot.

Anna

Raider, I would step away from the situation any way you can. Go out for a walk, go into the bedroom and read a book, watch TV, call a friend. You are trying to deal with your own recovery, and I think that's what you should focus on. Do whatever it takes to stay sober.

bunnezjp

Dang, that is tough.

I understand the guilt, putting up with him bc he put up with you. Still, there has to be a line...especially if he's starting projects late and you want to sleep. I don't really have any advice, not married, not living with another drinker. Maybe he could just tone it down a little, not be so loud? Idk..

Good luck.

Bunnez

SoberLeigh

Hi Raider - My suggestion would be to have a Plan B in place for when he is drinking; catch a movie; go shopping; visit a neighbor; take a walk with the dogs; go for a long drive. Do you have an I-Pod with earphones so you can listen to your favorite tunes? The confined space makes it tough; you have my sympathies. I am married to a consummate "normie" (which I appreciate but sometimes I envy with a passion) so I don't have any point-on experience.

ScottFromWI

I'd have to agree with Anna, do whatever it takes to get away from the situation to collect your thouhts. Read, walk, find a coffee shop, mall, etc. You cold consider AA or al-anon too.

Sit yourself down and give yourself some gratitude lessons too. Look at all the things you DO have; rather than what you don't.

And on top of it all, absolutely do not drink. Even though you may have only drank a couple days last week, each time we drink it sets the clock back in many ways on our quest for sobriety. Kind of a 2 steps forward, 2 steps back kinda thing, ya know?

AlcoholFree66

Hi Raider. I do feel for you! My husband is not an alcoholic but enjoys a drink at weekends. I can really sympathise with the annoyance you feel when you are sober and you notice a change is his behaviour.
I first got sober over 11 years ago and was sober for over 6 years before I picked up again. During that first period of sobriety I got really irritated with him often (yet recognised as you did that he had put up with my behaviour for a long time). I used to judge him often and couldn't 'help' but to give him regular 'feedback'. Nowdays, for the most part, I am quite accepting. I accept that my alcoholism is MY challenge not his. It must be difficult in a small environment but don't use that as an excuse. By reading your posts for some time now - I think you have come to the acceptance that alcohol can never be your friend - it will only cause you grief. I believe you can find some peace if you focus on your recovery and the things you can do to bring enjoyment and meaning into your life. My relationship with my husband is far easier today now that I rarely judge his drinking. I also rarely talk with him about my journey - SR is where I find the support I need. I can do anything in life but drink (or take any mind altering substance). My husband is a great guys in so many ways and it is imperative I accept that he can drink and I cannot. My recovery is about the way I live my life not how he chooses to live his. Yet we can still have a happy, respectful marriage.

Do you life yoga Raider? It brings me such joy.

Raider

Anna. Yes my sobriety first. I don't crave the drink when someone's acting a drunk. My urge is to tie him up and duct tape the cake hole closed.

Buns. I've told him a thousands time to be quite. This has proven ineffective on H. Looking for something (ahem) a bit stronger .....

Sober: great ideas. I can't use them all because we live 30 minutes from a town. And at 10:30 at night, nothing is open. Besides me in my PJ. BUT I will say, "hey Babe, I need to listen to this". Then I will zone out. In any case, last night I just went to bed. I had enough.

Raider

Scott. You're right. I know that.

Alcohol. Yes I need to be in my head where you are. It irritates the crap out of me. Then I can't help but offer my advice.....like.......

- we wouldn't be putting up an 8 ft cat tree at 11pm at night if you had not drank tonight.....
- if you weren't drunk, you wouldn't have hit that so hard....
- why are you emptying the rest of the car in the middle of the night? It's because you've been drinking...l

Aren't ya' glad you don't have to live with me....

patricia68

I am struggling with the same issues as well. I have no flipping idea how to deal with anger...I've also thought about the duct tape solution, mine is obnoxious even when he's sober! I hope to learn from the replies to your post.

EndGameNYC

I got nothin'.

I can't be around someone who compulsively starts doing "major work" or engages her "to-do" list late at night. In a small space like yours and with few outlets, I'd throw myself on a live hand grenade and hope for the best.

There are good reasons why this sounds as though I've been there.

Raider

As soon as I see the liquor bottle come out, and I think or crap. I am not surprised to realize I then begin to look for weird drunk behavior.

Raider

END!!! Hahahahahahahahah

EndGameNYC

Approaching midnight...

Me to my ex: I thought you went to bed?

Ex: I just wanted to get a coupla things done. (She's a psychologist in private practice who specializes in addictions. I'm not proud to say that I made an unfortunate contribution to her training.)

Me: Oh? (Never a good sign, and I already knew I was in too deep.)

Ex: Yeah...I wanted to get last month's billing done. I won't be long.

Me: Doesn't that take like a week? (I knew better, but I sometimes can't help myself.)

Ex: Yeah, but I'm just going to get a little bit done now so I'll have less to do later. (I was lip syncing along with her as she spoke, but safely out of range.)

Me: (Being sarcastic.) So...I'll see you when? Next Sunday?

Ex: Are you being sarcastic?!

Me: I was going to say no, but yes, I was being sarcastic.

Ex: I hate when you do that! You do that every time I try to get something done! (Not true. And when I do, I always acknowledge it when she asks. But I was at a crossroads. I could derail the whole enterprise by barking back something insipid like, "I do not!" But then I'd have both a very busy and potentially embittered partner on my hands. What to do...)

Me: Okay. I'm sorry. I just don't want you to be up all night. (A weak comeback, and a foregone conclusion.)

Ex: Well, I'm not going to be up all night. (Pants on fire.)

Me: Wanna fool around? (Read: Desperate and pathetic.)

Ex: Don't be silly! I'm working! And I have to be up early tomorrow. (Not gonna touch that one.) Why don't you read your book, or go on that recovery site you're always talking about. (I made that last part up. I didn't even know about SR back then, but if I had, she very well may have said this.)

Me: Don't really feel like reading. (Don't really feel like being alive at this point.)

Ex: Well, just try not to get in my way. (Like I needed either direction or permission for this.)

Me: I could go get some ice cream...

Ex: You know I'm dieting...Do you ever pay attention to me?

Me: Okay, well, I'm gonna watch some Internet porn and then go out and see if I can round up a coupla hookers.

Ex: Okay. Whatever. Have fun.

On my way out, I hear, "Bring back Ben & Jerry's!"

jdooner

It sounds like you were good drinking buddies. These traits have always been there your just removing your blinders. One of 4 scenarios:

1) Nothing changes and you learn to accept and tolerate him as he is

2) You cannot tolerate him and you leave

3) You become an inspiration in your sobriety and he follows

4) You relapse and go back to old ways

I pray for #3, would settle for #1 or #2 - keep posting so you don't go #4.

Raider

End. You get it.

JD. Yes. I'm sure it was exactly the same as it was when I was am drinking with him. I just don't notice because I am wasted. I am not ready to tolerate this just yet. Number three doesn't seem to be effective. And I do not foresee going back to square one.

Thepatman

Ho my, might go under the bus for this one.

If H doesn't need to drink and couldn't care less about drinking. Why not ask not to drink in your presence.

Start
If H answer = yes
Then issue = 0
Else if H answer = no
Then H = drinking issue
Goto Start

Raider

Ok people. How are we going to control my big fat judgmental mouth? And irritation???

Thepatman

Maybe make a list of the things you like about H, and beside a list of things you don't?

imagine if H was gone... I'm sure you would miss him. Why not enjoy the time you have with H and be more patient with H... Lot's of H in there. LOL!

Live

the serenity prayer? repeated over and over

happyandfree

I'd have a conversation with him earlier in the day when he hasnt been drinking and let him know how this makes you feel. Try to reason with him when he's not drinking.