Notmyrealname

Maybe you are more angry about H's drinking because you relapsed last week and you are mad at yourself, and you are transferring that anger to him?

that was my amateur psych moment for the day

When people live together they have to put up with a certain amount of each others' crap. When my daughter lived with me there were things she did that bugged me, and things I did that bugged her, but now she is off to school and I live alone, and while I miss her being here, I don't miss the things that bugged me. There's some good in either case, and there's some bad.

So I think you just learn to put up with a certain amount of annoyance. Just breathe in, hold, and breathe out. And if you're going to have a discussion with your SO about it, don't start that talk when you're already angry or annoyed. Don't take out a loan when you're already in the red ink.

Joe Nerv

When I was first getting sober, I was taught that only 1 thing mattered. My sobriety. Period. At least for the first 6 months to a year. I needed to do anything and everything I could to ensure that I wouldn't pick up that first drink. That meant exactly that.

• I went to meetings. I didn't want to.
• I sought counseling. I kinda wanted to do that.
• I walked away (often awkwardly) from anything that felt like a thread.
• I made phone calls when I was uncomfortable. And that phone receiver (yeah we had those back then) felt like it weighed 40 lbs.
• I prayed.
• I used all the suggestions in Living Sober book (great book to pick up if you don't have one).
• I did anything and everything I possibly could, knowing that my sobriety was my absolute #1 priority. Life and death. I honestly believed that if I picked up a drink, it would eventually if not immediately kill me.

With all that in place it was tough for me to pick up.

If not drinking is as important to you as it was to me (don't know if it is), then my suggestion is to either get out when he's drinking, or learn to better communicate with him. Couples counseling was a HUGE part of my learning to relate and communicate effectively and lovingly with my significant other. I was certain I had all the answers to the relationship stuff. Until I learned otherwise :/. Still don't have a lot of answers, but I know I now communicate that excellently .

Sounds like you're in a life threatening situation to me. I would treat it as such and act on it in a positive way. Posting here is a great start, but utilizing any information you get from any of the posts here is a lot more important. The power is all in your hands. So long as you don't choose to give it away.

Aellyce

Something practical I thought of, Pam... for the long haul and since you are in the process of buying a new home and are currently experiencing these discomforts, due to some different preferences between hubby and yourself.

Not sure how was it in the old house and what condition you guys plan for the future, what you can afford, etc. I can tell you my experience: I've never done well in domestic relationships when my partner and I did not have our own separate rooms in our shared home. I love being in a good relationship and sharing things with a loved one, but there are always limits and I also don't like to make a forced routine out of my home life, of a relationship, of anything really. I really need my space and alone time and the freedom to choose some of my activities. I know this is a personality trait, and in the past problems stemming from it were solved very well with having separate bedrooms with my partners. It does not mean that we don't share them (and we did, sometimes very often and even daily for a while), it just means that we have a choice. And that the time spent together is not an obligation, more like a "date"... kind of It also solves many other problems and allows more freedom for two people to live in their schedule of natural choice. I am generally big on personal freedom for everyone to follow their interests within healthy and reasonable limits, so this is important for me.

Of course this type of domestic life requires a little larger living space, but it's just one extra room really. For me, no matter how much I love someone and how much I enjoy being with them, I would not consider living with them if we did not agree on this arrangement, because I know (from experience) that I suffer otherwise. It's not primarily about sleeping but about having the opportunity to retreat to our own quiet when we need it, anytime.

Hope you are feeling better today

Raider

You guys are right. Sometimes I need someone to tell me to get over myself. I will be more tolerant to someone who has put up with my **** for years. How selfish of me! Yesterday because I am a poop face, I wouldn't go to the fair with him. So I shall go today and fight the crowds because it is the second to the last day, and I should have went yesterday, and he realllllly wants to go. All great tips friends. I will put what I can into action. In the meantime, on to the fair!

And yes, after reading and re-reading your advice, I feel very much better. Thank you.

trachemys

Good for you, gal!

Straightshoot

Hope you 2 have a great time at the fair Raider. Keep on keepin' on. You are strong, you can do this.

VikingGF

Early bedtime with Netflix, earphones and iPad. Avoid interacting at all, if he's annoying you- you'll feel better for not being snarky and maybe he will change his behavior if he is not being rewarded with attention. Kind of like behavior modification. It works with dogs, right? Why not people?

Raider

Umm well not sure I was successful here. The night after I first posted was another door slamming experience. Sunday I told him I was going back to utah. I told him I could not deal with slamming doors, yelling, slapping things, just being plane noisy. I never mentioned drinking. HE said please stay I'll stop drinking. He hasn't drank since. I know some of you think what a bitch, he put up with you. Well yes he did, but he was drunk while doing it. I am not him and I cannot do it. Maybe I could if I drank too, but stone cold sober...nope not happening...

EndGameNYC

You did well to speak for yourself. No matter how much we abused our loved ones while we were drinking, that doesn't excuse bad behavior on their part, drunk or sober.

One of the ways in which the AA Big Book deals with resentments -- and this is very sound psychology -- is with the strong recommendation that we are obliged not to make ourselves "doormats" or victims by virtue of the fact that we once treated others badly. Tolerating bad behavior from others only builds new resentments which, in turn, makes us disturbingly vulnerable to pick up the drink again.

Being assertive on our own behalf is not a pathological state, no matter what our history tells us and others about who we were in our past.

happyandfree

Bravo-I'm glad you spoke up about it-communication is essential! Now.....thank him for hearing you!

Straightshoot

I am happy for you Raider. Apparently he really really loves you. I bet it will be much easier with him not drinking. Anyway, I hope so for your sake.

SoberLeigh

This could be a new beginning, Raider; sounds very promising.!!!

Raider

Thank you.

HaveADay

Recovery is an "us" and "we" and not just an "I" or "me".

My husband isn't a substance abuser and he truly could drink if he wanted to. But, my recovery isn't just mine. My recovery is also belongs to my family. Five healthy people and one sick person means the whole family suffers. We can only be in recovery when we're all there together. So, no alcohol in the house is a cardinal rule. There isn't a bottle in this world that I or the people I love would trade for our recovery.

Sometimes, anger is really something else in disguise. I get angry when I feel lonely or neglected. I get angry when I feel misunderstood, afraid or lost.

My heart goes out to you!

Raider

WOW! Get me off the crazy train!! A few nights ago, during the short time period H said he wasn't going to drink, I thought he is acting like he had a drink although I didn't see him pour one. We set up a little area downstairs, outside the door, covered in a tarp so you can smoke without getting rained on. He is down out there a lot. Last night he walks down the stairs with an empty glass with ice in it. Tells me he put liquor downstairs so he could make a drink without coming all the way up here. So I suppose when I thought he had a drink a couple nights ago, he had poured himself one or more, while he was downstairs. What is so weird, we have never hidden drinking from each other. Ever. I feel like I have just stepped into the twilight zone. I do not know what to think about this.

CAPTAINZING2000

You mentioned hubby could go long periods with out drinking.
But what I'm reading, he's drinking on a regular basis. How often does he abuse the drink?

Living in a remote area is good if you can stand each other 24/7.
Do you have hobbies you enjoy doing together or apart?

Aellyce

Well, didn't you tell him that his drinking and behavior under the influence bothered you? Probably it's just that he is trying to respect your choice and preference by not drinking around you?

SoberLeigh

I am thinking along the same lines as Captain. Could your husband's drinking be a little more complicated/significant than you thought?

Raider

Captain - yes he can stop without any physical withdrawals. How many times he abuses is hard to say. We have been here less than 2 weeks. At least two times a week, I think.

Haennie - yes I did. Maybe he is.

I'm just blown away. It felt like he was sneaking, which is insane in this house. We have never done that. Maybe I'm just on high alert here. I don't know.

SoberLeigh

I think that, as alcoholics, we are on high alert; sometimes we see and sometimes we oversee.