Butterfly

The last few months I've been trying to work on me but also support my separated AH. every time I see him or speak to him I ask about us, his drinking or whether he's been trying to work things out! The last few days I have been trying to understand why I am waiting about for him to decide to stop drinking. Am I scared of being on my own, no as I am on my own and it's ok, am I scared of being alone forever, no especially at this time I never want to be in another relationship again!! I've come to the conclusion that I am a control freak and am realising that I can't control this situation and I need to hand it over to god! Here's the difficulty I'm not sure I can. My job I manage a team, manage risk and crisis, really I control. I make decisions, I respond to crisis managing risk very tightly and I am in control. Even when I am off on annual leave my team still contact me about issues and decisions because I can't cope with the idea of so done else making decisions for my team and whatever situation arises that day, as someone else's decision wouldn't necessarily be what I would have decided.

My personal life however has always been difficult to control. As a child I didn't feel loved or wanted by my mother, I wasn't good enough as I wasn't a boy which has lead to me having abandonment and attachment issues. She walked out on me numerous occasions throughout my childhood and I never knew where she was, my brothers did. This has impacted on my sense of worth and explains why I was always so worried AH husband would leave me, that I wasn't good enough or deserve to be loved. It also helps me to understand why I have stuck around for so long and kept taking him back, if I could make him put me first then my mum was wrong I was good enough, worthy and loveable. My mum left then came home, he left then came home. I need to control things so I feel safe.

These last few months I thought I was trying to support him but I don't think I have been, I've been trying to control a situation completely out of my control so I will feel safe again. I've begged, pleaded, guilted, forced conversations he wasn't/isn't ready for and ultimately tried to force him to stop drinking!! I have wanted him to choose me for once. I know it's said that addiction isn't personal but for me it feels that it is, that he chose alcohol over me, just like my mum chose to leave without me, chose to ignore me and not speak to me for months at a time and chose everyone and anyone over me!! I had no control as a child so as an adult I try to control everything. Starting to realise I can't. And I thought I was working on my codie behaviour, it definitely needs more work!! Why can't I just let go and see where I go and how I feel, why do I feel the need to control everything

Sorry if this seems all over the place , it's after midnight here and I am struggling to keep. My eyes open but I needed to get this all out of my head!

dandylion

Butterfly.....this is exactly what the Serenity Prayer is all about.....!

dandylion

Stung

Ditto what Dandy said. I'm a mega control freak too and it's because I have attachment (or lack thereof) issues with my mom too.

Being aware of your controlling tendencies is a big step. Next is accepting that you cannot control some (most) things in life.

Big hugs.

PinkCloudsCharley

:Butterfly. I have the same control issues for different reasons. I am having a horrible time letting go and letting God. It's something I struggle with continuously. I don't have any advice but i do have a hug for you

happybeingme

Butterfly,

I am sorry your mom treated you so terribly. You were a beautiful innocent child who deserved love, affection and protection. You should not have been treated the way you were. I think you need to focus your attention on mothering and loving that hurt little girl inside you. When you love yourself enough you wont need to look to others for it. You deserve a partner in life. Not an addict who will always put you at the bottom of the list.

BrokenInPieces

That's where I've been stuck.
Control issues? Check!
Abandonment issues? Got 'em!

I would not be at all surprised if one day I get a text from God... "Get out of my way. I got this."

SeriousKarma

Butterfly, this is a beautiful post.

Instead of always asking Yourself "Why can't I...?", every so often remember to look at how far you've come.

Rosalba

Maybe it would be an idea to quit working on yourself in the way you're trying to - which is another form of control, really - and take on board the slogan "Let go and let God".

If you're not at home with the notion of a HP, just let yourself know that you can trust your unconscious mind - which is really where all the meaningful change takes place - but you can't rush it. In its wisdom it knows where it's going, and with all of us we're oriented towards healing. That is, unless our addictions - whether to a substance or a person - mean that we keep pulling the scab off.

(((HUGS)))

Butterfly

Thank you everyone. I agree with everything that is said. Dandylion said to me in a previous post about how I can't to seem to follow through with no contact and she very wisely said it's not that you can't it's that your unwilling to! Well that struck a cord for me everything is can't, I can't do this or that but dandylions comment made me think and she was right I am unwilling to follow through so I need to start figuring out why.

I met with separated ah the other night and I knew I shouldn't but didn't know why I was then when I knew it would be like ripping off the scab, then I realised as I cried on my way home from his new apartment it was an opportunity to talk to him about his drinking - try to control the situation so that realisation has led me onto a different path of self reflection. I recently moved jobs about 2 years ago and discovered that I shouldn't have moved and the reason why because I am bored there isn't the same level of crisis in this new job as my previous one and I hate it. My previous job was crisis on a daily basis sometimes working to 2/3am just to resolve it. However there was always a crisis in my personal life with AH.

Now I feel completely out of control and I am in crisis and I can't fix it because I need to take time to heal.

I had a strange dream last night that I met someone at a self defence class and he left me a not saying I know your AH shattered your heart but I promise you I won't , give me your heart to love and care for. I think it's telling me that I am always looking for someone else to love me to look after my heart but in reality I need to love myself!

Sorry if this reply is rambling I really am all over the place at the minute

dandylion

Burrerfly.....You are doing just fine. How do I know, you may ask?.....because, in spite of your periods of pain.....you haven't given up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way...I am so glad that something I said has helped you. Maybe, sometime...someone listens to me...LOL;LOL! Now...If you could just talk to my kids....?LOL!

Someone, here, on SR, had a byline "There is seldom enlightenment without pain". That helped me a lot when I am facing very difficult things.
You are going through gigantic strides of enlightment in the past few months. The pain you feel will pass...much like the pain of childbirth. It is just necessary pain (shor-term pain for the long-term gain).

dandylion

Butterfly

I just feel I'm fighting a losing battle sometimes actually if I'm honest all the time Dandylion you have no idea how much strength and encouragement I have received from your posts over the last 6months and from a lot of others aswell. It is the kind loving thoughtful people on this forum that give me the encouragement I need to keep going, I think I would have given up a long time ago. As for your kids sorry I can't make them listen I can't make my own kids listen lol.

I also meant to add in my previous post about his apartment. Some may remember how I was angry that he was moving I to this brand new apartment and we had planned all along to move into a new house. Well I was there the other night and it's not as great as I thought. Don't get me wrong it's lovely, all new and modern but it just has a sense of loneliness, it has his mum all over it. There are several pieces of furniture etc that are not just him but he has them because either his mum gave them to him or bought them. She gave him a picture which is hideous, she obviously wanted rid of it but she put it up and of course he doesn't want to offend her!! Anyway as I said it feels cold and lonely, he has pictures up in the living room of the kids and a picture of the 2 of us. His bedroom also has picture of the 2 of us beside his bed and other pics of the kids and me. I would rather have my run down lived in home with my kids any day

NYCDoglvr

Because denial and rationalization are two hallmarks of codependents (and alcoholics as well). It helps to understand that for alcoholics, the most important thing in life, their God, higher power and best friend, is booze. Has anything you've said or done resulted in him being sober? Anything?

Butterfly

No nothing I have ever said or done has made any difference to his drinking.

theuncertainty

Do you experience the apt as cold and lonely? or are you imagining that he feels the apt is cold and lonely?

I agree with you that I'd rather have my cozy little place with DS running around like Max, King of the Wild Things, than an empty place. Not having my amazing kiddo around, and knowing that I couldn't just up and see him pretty much whenever I wanted to, would feel so incredibly bleak and grey. I would move heaven and earth to be able to see him if custody was ripped away from me. I thought AXH would feel that way, too. He might. But I don't know. What I know is he's not doing anything he needs to do in order to have his visitation rights reinstated. That is really the only thing that carries weight.

The pictures all over the apartment could be a way to dispel the loneliness (my family is close by). Or they could be a hook to try to pull you back (look how much I miss you; you're everywhere here. That's how much I need you). Or they could be a way to torture himself (woe is me, look at all that was taken away from me) or any combination of those and more.

Thumper

Sometimes we over think it. He moved in and decorated an apartment, or his mom did it for him. Simple as that. He probably didn't spend 10 minutes wondering about it and not 10 seconds on how to best place the pictures to bother you - his mother probably did it all.

I think that is the irony of these toxic relationships. We spend hours agonizing over what was going through their mind when they made that decision or how they are feeling and the answer is - nothing. They aren't worrying about it at all. We are.

gleefan

Great thread with great feedback. I'm working on a healthy detachment from my codependent relationship with my ah, too. You articulated the challenges in this better than I can.

Butterfly

One of the hardest things I have realised I am struggling with is that he has shut me out. I don't think he would contact me if I didn't contact him, he doesn't let me know when he's made arrangements with the kids to come for dinner or stay over which isn't very often but it's as if he doesn't want any communication with me, he says it's not like that but it hurts that he can shut me out of his life so easily. I sometimes think that when he says I a better off without him that is why he doesn't contact me but then I think I being delusional he just wants nothing to do with me anymore and the comments about being in love with me and wanting his future with me is lies and he jut said those things to make all this easier on me. I am actually obsessing over what he has said. He is telling me now that he needs time to sort things out and has asked me to give him time!!

Butterfly

I honestly don't know what I'm doing my emotions are all over the place from walking away to wanting to help him. I seem to get so far then he will say something that I think keeps me hooked then he pulls away! The other week when we were talking about me moving on and meeting someone (not that I'm ready or want to) was when he threw in about reading all the info and preparing to quit drinking! Was this a hook? I was at his apartment the other night and he told me he had a lovely night then 2 days later he's drunk telling me to leave him alone!! I suppose it was always this way when he was at home he goes on a binge then promised he'd change get help etc then a few weeks later back to drinking saying whatever to keep me with him u til the last time when he knew I was serious about getting help so he left! He's still doing it and I'm letting him. Nothing has ever changed u til he wanted it to!! The best thing was that he use to make me believe he was doing things when he was ready to ease my anxiety. He didn't want me to think he was doing it coz I asked him to. What was wrong with doing something for ur wife for ur marriage??

What is wrong with me????

I am really struggling with my emotions today!!

dandylion

Butterfly....can you see how your keeping contact with him is contrbuting to your ongoing pain? Do you REALLY see it?
If you can't.....I've got a suggestion....google "intermittent reinforcement"....and study it...
(It might give you an a-ha moment).
You will find a good discussion of this if you go to the search button (on the blue bar at the top of this main page) and search for "intermittent chicken".

When you get so tired of the pain that you don't want the pain for one minute more....you will be willing to make the changes that you are now unwilling to do.....

dandylion

Rosalba

When I was moving out of my ex-partner's house, some days he'd tell me that there was really no hurry, to take it easy; other days he'd be very snippy and tell me: 'Don't you think you'd better hurry up and... (something I had no control over because it was dependent on, say, references) and get out'.

If I'd taken any notice of either, it would have been a mind ****. I didn't want my mind ******, ignored him and carried on at my own pace.

He can't hook you in if you're not willing to be hooked. Wanting to help him with things he doesn't want help with, is keeping you hooked. As you say, he's still doing it and you're letting him.

The painful merry-go-round will continue for as long as you let it. The one with the power to step off is - you've guessed it...

Of course you're out of control of him. You always were. You aren't out of control or responsibility for yourself, though, and there's always plenty of support in regaining what is rightly yours. For example, the power to make healthy choices which will benefit you instead of dragging you down...