Butterfly

Thank you. Yip I'm an intermittent chicken alright!! And it really hit home yesterday!! He apologised yesterday for telling me to leave him alone on Friday, he is a bad place and how crap he's feeling, he also sent me a picture of a card I had given him years ago about love and what he means to me, telling me this is how he felt about me but if he can't sort himself out it doesn't matter how he feels about me, he has been on a 4 day bender.

I was initially elated then I read the thread of the intermittent chicken and dandylion as always you were right I had an ah ha moment. I replied well you can either sort yourself out and get your a## home or you can continue drinking in your flat on your own! your choice!!! He said I know and I didn't reply! I did have to contact him today about DS but that was it nothing about us or his drinking.

I found myself becoming angry yesterday but also realised that when he contacts me and it's positive, a a I viewed it I feel relief but yesterday I began to understand that he pushes me away then pulls me back in when he thinks I'm moving away from him and not waiting about for him and I let him. I am such a fool and have been a fool for many years!!!!

Feeling very frustrated with myself!!!!!

SparkleKitty

Butterfly, don't waste a second being frustrated or angry with yourself and how you responded in the past! This is a tremendous and brave discovery and you should be proud of yourself for recognizing a pattern of behavior that you were previously in denial about.

When we know better, we do better. You are already doing better!

hopeful4

It's all frustrating, but don't put that on yourself. This is a rough road to navigate. And to try to sit back and watch someone drive the wrong way down that road and let them go ...it's really really hard. Only he can decide what he wants from his life, and he may not ever decide.

All you can do is focus on you and your DS and continue living life.

XXX

NYCDoglvr

What I learned in both AA (23 years) and Alanon is that I can't think my way out of addiction, I have to ACT. That means getting to meetings and sharing, it means avoiding isolation, where I'll just dig myself into my diseased thinking. I started fast walking which helped. I went to meetup.org and joined a hiking club. One hallmark of addiction, including codependency, is isolation. It's one day at a time and it's "progress, not perfection." For me, giving up the boyfriend drug was two steps forward, one step backward. But I couldn't have done it without Alanon

Butterfly

My closest alanon is too far to travel to. I do tend to isolate myself especially when I'm feeling low. I am so exhausted I am up from 6am and don't sit down until after 8pm most nights. I spend my weekends cleaning and running about I feel that I have no life outside work and family and home and I am feeling very angry today that he gets to do as he pleases, no responsibilities just look after himself and go on 4 day binges when ever he feels like it, while I'm here at home trying to pick up the pieces and hold it all together and truthfully I am failing miserably!!!!

I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I have been a complete fool taken in by him and his lies and manipulation for too many years. I believed his shallow promises I listened to his words and refused to look at his actions I am stupid and he's certainly not making any attempts to seek help!!

I am lost and don't know where I go now??

Thumper

Butterfly, if you want to move forward you have to stop looking backward. You know what is back there. What is out in front of you? Walk towards that. Focus on that instead of looking over your shoulder at him and at your past. It is an active process. When you find yourself looking backward you have to take yourself through a set of mental questions, or take some steps/actions that will swing your focus back round to in front of you.

Wondering what steps he is taking to get help is you looking back at him and it is preventing you from taking your own steps to seek help. Work your own recovery the way you wish he'd work his.

hopeful4

You go forward...one baby step at a time. Can you do online meetings or is there a Celebrate Recovery anywhere near?

dandylion

For right this minute....just go ahead and feel the anger. Verbalize it--scream...cry....let your mascara run. The negative energy will eat you up if you don't release it.

Let some of the house work go....let the kids start help with the chores...
Start redirecting time for yourself. Just to sit and relax or meditate. Go walking with the dogs or go running.....just simply what YOU enjoy doing.
My guess is that you stay busy working constantly so as not to face your own feelings and emotions. Well, my lady. you can't afford to continue this, any longer. It is to your detriment.

Look around at the happy people that you know....and, notice how they spend their time. Start doing some of those things for yourself.

dandylion

Butterfly

Thank you. The kids have chores but they don't always do them and I'm trying not to lose my temper, when he was at home he shouted constantly when things weren't done so I'm conscious of not shouting when I get annoyed when they don't do things so I end up doing everything myself! They are also going through a difficult time suppose I'm trying to be everything to everyone and I can't keep this level up. I have also lost complete interest in my job.

Butterfly

Hopeful I wasn't aware there were on line meetings and there is no sober recovery close to me

Butterfly

Celebrate recovery oops

hopeful4

There are online meetings! I will get a link for you!

hopeful4

Online Al-Anon Group - Miracles In Progress

Al-Anon Chat Meetings -- Online Al-Anon Family Groups Chat Meetings

Al-Anon Chat Meetings - Al-Anon Chat Meeting Schedule

dandylion

Butterfly....LOL! I hear you. Shouting really doesn't work, anyway..and gives a negative vibe in the house. I would suggest having a family meeting and talking about things and expressing feelings to each other at least once a week.
Perhaps explain to the children YOUR need to do things differently and, the need for everyone to pull together for the general good of the family.
Of course, they are also having to adjust to the changes. But..they are growing up and are capable of understanding things and taking on responsibility when needed. The y sound like intelligent and good children. Open lines of communication and mutual respect is what has the best effect on teens. LOL...God knows I am not saying that they don't require patience....as I have dealt with teens of my own...LOL!
This is a good lesson for them to see that you consider self care as important and that family members should all contribute. You are more than just the domestic care-taker for others. You are a leader and a teacher and a person who has needs in her own right.
They will takes these images into their own families...in a few years.
It would be a win-win for everyone.
You need some space and some time for yourself. You have gone neglected for far too long.

Please think about this....and, have a cupa....

dandylion

Butterfly

So much for not shouting just had a hugh argument with dd and it hasn't ended well. I went to speak to her calmly about things and as usual when you try to speak to her about anything she automatically perceives that she is being attached and she turns into a stroppy moody teenager, she's 20!!!! I am really struggling with her no matter what I say it always ends the same when I ask her to do anything she grumps. Most days I am walking on egg shells around her because if I say the wrong thing then that's it!! Even when I try to stay calm with her I end up exploding recently because of her attitude and she refuses to acknowledge any part that she plays I honestly can't take any more!!

I am so angry with him, he has walked out and left us all to it and he's living the single life having a fabulous time with no cares or responsibilities to anyone. If it wasn't close to midnight here I'd be away somewhere so I could just scream that's all I want to do at the minute is scream, it's all bubbling up inside me!!!!!!

Butterfly

So much for not shouting just had a hugh argument with dd and it hasn't ended well. I went to speak to her calmly about things and as usual when you try to speak to her about anything she automatically perceives that she is being attached and she turns into a stroppy moody teenager, she's 20!!!! I am really struggling with her no matter what I say it always ends the same when I ask her to do anything she grumps. Most days I am walking on egg shells around her because if I say the wrong thing then that's it!! Even when I try to stay calm with her I end up exploding recently because of her attitude and she refuses to acknowledge any part that she plays I honestly can't take any more!!

I am so angry with him, he has walked out and left us all to it and he's living the single life having a fabulous time with no cares or responsibilities to anyone. If it wasn't close to midnight here I'd be away somewhere so I could just scream that's all I want to do at the minute is scream, it's all bubbling up inside me!!!!!!

Butterfly

Thank you hopeful