wpainterw

I’m upset. Can I vent a bit? O.K. It’s about my younger son’s break up with his companion of many years, living in her house with her kids. Now he’s been given the boot and is living apart from her. I suspect it’s his fault, since it’s been obvious since he was a kid of 12 or 13 that he can’t communicate, just shuts up stuff within himself and then, when folks disagree with him, occasionally flies into a rage. He’s 52 years old and has shut me and my wife out of his life, his feelings, etc. for about 40 years. We don’t know anything about him really. He could be worth a million, but he could be worth very little. Not that that really makes any difference. It’s just that I tell him more about myself, my feelings, my plans than he does. He didn’t even tell us about the breakup so I sent his birthday cards to the former companion’s house. Didn’t know his new address. Didn’t know he had moved. We’re his parents. Aren’t we supposed to know where to send his mail? Where he can be notified if one of us dies? When the funeral is?
He’s been married twice before, to disastrous effect. The first wife turned paraplegic after five years of marriage and remains in that condition. The second wife is said to be bi-polar, hasn’t held a job since she met him and subsequently married him, lives on his alimony and doesn’t speak to us now, hating both him and his parents although we have always tried to be nice to her, reach out to her. The two kids he had with her have been very harmed by the divorce, have ended up spoiled because of both parents trying to make up for things by showering their kids with gifts, trips, etc. Their kids don’t really know where they’re going and would like to work as little as possible if others would continue to take care of them.
That’s all I have to say. I’m not drinking, thankfully. I don’t feel an urge to drink but that’s not the problem. The problem is that I woke up happy today, the sun was shining, everything seemed O.K. and then it all fell apart. The only good thing that happened is that before I left my car for a moment to go into the pharmacy my dog put his nose on my shoulder as if to say, “It’s going to be O.K. Dad.!” God help me but the only one who does that now is my dog!

W.

Soberpotamus

I have no words of wisdom, W. I'm childless. Human childless, that is. By choice. I am a fur parent to five animals though.

Maybe someone else will have more to say. But I wanted to say that I'm sorry this is happening between you and your son. I don't have the best relationship with my own Dad. We've never been close really. I wish things had been different. He expects me to reach out, and I guess I resent that he expects me to be the one. It's as if the ball is thrown in the other's court, you know?

Soberwolf

Sorry but that last bit reminded me of when my dog does that

Like hey fella whats up

Hope it all works out I've had days when everything is going well then out of nowhere bam !!!

Hang in there

Eddiebuckle

W,

Thanks for sharing. One of the things that I find hardest in sobriety is dealing with disappointment with others. I get most frustrated with myself when someone who has always been a certain (annoying) way gets under my skin for something they have done a hundred times before. My brother is a prime example, I truly love him but he is disorganized and can be criminally late. He once showed up on the sixth afternoon of a seven day sailing trip we had scheduled with our father in the Virgin Islands. For the entire week, we were adjusting the vacation of four people to meet him. I wanted to strangle him when he finally showed up. He is who he is, and I have to admit that it would be fair to say that I am uptight and inflexible compared to his outgoing, happy go lucky (if he remembers to go at all), self. We've all heard this before: when someone tells us who they are, we need to believe them. I believe this is what AA's big book is talking about in the second step when it refers to being restored to sanity.

I'm sorry that your son has disappointed you with his actions and choices. But it truly is not a reflection on you. The statute of limitations on parenting mistakes passed 30+ years ago. Where he finds himself today is the sum total of his choices, not yours. Try to love him as he is, where he is.

dwtbd

Sorry to hear you are upset. Since I am only an armchair psychologist all I can think to ask is whether you feel upset that your son is how he is , or (if not both) that you are upset that you don't feel you can fix him.

I literally just hung up with my sister. Our father's wife( his second) of twenty plus years just died. Neither of us has had much contact with him since he got remarried, by his choice and we both think attributable to her. We didn't have a very emotionally close family growing up, and practically no connection in probably 10-15 years. He may have literally been in the same room with my sister's daughter twice in her life. When I related the news to my son, of my fathers wife passing, I was surprised he remembered her or him.
There is to be a memorial service soon, I do not think I will be attending.

mrsjosaphat

Hello painter. I'm sorry about your relationship with your son. I read you say that u didn't drink, that's an excellent thing, so for that be happy. As far as my experience I guess I could more or less relate to your son. Although I'm an alcoholic so was or is my mom. To this day we don't have the best relationship. I believe this is both our fault. As a child her addictions were, I felt more important than me which made me feel neglected. As a result I turned to the bottle myself, and as a result of that all communication is pretty much non existent. Alot of the time I feel all alone and wish we were closer. I'm only on day one of my recovery, and my moms also in recovery (with way more experience)maybe the more we fix our selves the closer we will get to each other. All of this to say maybe he has is own skeletons to deal with. Maybe if his child hood looked anything like mine he just internalizes everything (especially if he's an only child as I was) cause that's all he knows. I understand and forgive my mom, now I just have to learn how to tell her.

SoberLeigh

No matter how old our children become, we never stop being a parent with all of the associated challenges, joys, sorrows, disappointments, worry.

I am sorry that things are difficult for you, wpainterw..

wpainterw

dwtbd: You asked, "Sorry to hear you are upset. Since I am only an armchair psychologist all I can think to ask is whether you feel upset that your son is how he is , or (if not both) that you are upset that you don't feel you can fix him."

I'm upset not because I don't feel I can "fix" him. The time is long past when I tried in vain to "fix" anything. I'm upset because he is who he is and I've accepted that for thirty years and I've loved the kid and tried to help him if I could, never interfered or tried to "change the things I cannot change." I have stood by and watched him suffer, watched him and loved and was sad for him. But I am old, now and lonely. I miss the kid I knew when he was young.
In some of the replies I have received from this thread there seems to be an implication that my son is how he is because of my drinking, that it has left its mark on him. Perhaps this is so, yet why has this not left its mark on my older son? If I am to blame for my younger son's failures in marriage, then this saddens me. It may be so. He may well say, then that he wrecked his life because his dad drank. I accept him as he is and I suffer for him. May God forgive me and may I forgive myself for any part I have played in this, if I have done this and this has been passed along to two of my grandchildren- not the drinking, for neither of them drink but the lack of commitment, the idleness. I really can say no more. The rest is silence.

W.

Soberpotamus

You are not to blame for anything your children do once they are adults.

oldsoul1122

I'm so sorry. My son breaks my heart. Since he got married he never calls or comes see me. I call them. They live an hour away. No grandkids (I'm 65) or I wouldn't see them either. I can do nothing about their lives. EVERY day in spite of it all I make a decision to be happy and remind myself that my happiness is NOT contingent on them or what they do or don't do. I use this in other areas as well. In a way it felt selfish or that I don't care but I've gotten past that. You need to take care of yourself.

mrsjosaphat

I agree. Time and life teaches us nobodys perfect. Our perceptions and reactions are ultimately ours.

wpainterw

Thanks,SoberJennie:
My younger son was 24 years old when he married for the first time. I thought his first wife was wonderful and I still do. But they made some bad choices as to where to live in New York City and their marriage started to fall apart. I was very sad when it ended. He was a lot older when he married again. I thought she too was nice but she changed and turned against my son and also against his child by the first marriage. After they were divorced my son began a more informal arrangement with another woman whom I really liked and who I thought would finally give him happiness. But now it's broken up
It could be that my drinking years ago influenced my son to do what he's done with his life. If so, I'm very sorry for that. But if I had sat back and said to myself, "Poor me! I'm the way I am because my dad drank! It's all my dad's fault", I would never have achieved long term sobriety. I had to get to work and dig myself out of the hole I was in. Or be "dug out" by a Higher Power, if one agrees that that's what can only cause recovery. I don't care which it is. If I'd blamed my parents (specifically my mom) for my predicament, or if I'd continue blaming the death of my sister (which I did indeed do for years) then I'd have never made it back. I'm back: old, lonely and sad. Thanks so much for your support. My dog agrees with what I've just said.

W.

dwtbd

Wpainterw
I was only addressing your upset-ness, I honestly didn't even think of any of it in the context of drinking.

Soberpotamus

Dogs are great

VikingGF

I am the daughter of two drinking parents and I do not hold them responsible one bit for the adult I am today. The good and the bad, it's all me, my choices, my determination, my mistakes. Only we can steer our own ships.

VikingGF

Ditto.

IWillWin

Hi W. -

First, your dog is wise. I only have to look in my doggie's eyes to find complete sanity and most of the time, his expression or actions are right. I almost expect him to say one day "Hey Mom, don't sweat the small stuff. Now scratch my ears. And rub my belly." Ah, such joy my animals bring me ...

Anyway, lots of good replies here. I am the daughter of an alcoholic father and yes, it was challenging but in the end I am who I am BECAUSE of this. Good and bad. Although I wound up having my own battle with the bottle I've also led a very productive, positive and successful life so far. I know that part of my tenacity and success is due to my sheer will to be the best I could be DESPITE my less than ideal father/daughter relationship. I guess my point is that he did the best he could and so am I. He is not responsible for my life choices any more than I was responsible for his.

Your son is who he is because he choose to be and that's the bottom line. I understand your frustration now, in your golden years, about his lack of connection and difficulties thus far with relationships. Take it from me, even when we are estranged or disconnected from our alcoholic parent we still love them. I venture to guess that he is also extremely proud of your long-term sobriety - he may never tell you that, as I never told my Dad believe it or not (he was sober 20 years before his death), but we think it. I don't know why I never told him...and now I wish I did. He was a courageous man and even when we were estranged for a number of years I continued to admire his sobriety. When I fought my own battle, he was very ill and didn't even know I had an issue. I am actually glad that he left this world not knowing that I struggled with the bottle ... somehow I know he would have blamed himself. And I do not blame him. It was my choice to drink despite knowing full well that I was rolling the dice with my genetic history. It was my choice. Not his. Wow, somehow this became all about me! Surprise...I am an alcoholic. LOL!

Please know that you are not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes. No matter what is happening in your "real" world you have a community of people here in cyberspace who admire and respect you immensely. I am proud to count myself as one of them .. you are kind, intelligent and wise.

Sending good thoughts and a cyber hug, W.

IWW

soberclover

I'm sorry you are upset. I'm still learning from my son; sometimes he teaches me how to be a better person and other times he teaches me ways that I don't want to be. Your post has got me thinking about the different times in my life when I've had to let go...even when I didn't want to. I hope you are able to start your day over and find some peace and serenity

wpainterw

Thanks for your many supportive and helpful replies. My son has a new girlfriend (rather quickly I must say). He may bring her to visit us. I hear she is a school teacher. What shall I say to her? I think I shall say that, as a school teacher you are in one of the most difficult and stressful situations. I have spent 39 years in the classroom and I have seen those passive faces, those unprepared students, interested only in grades, so sure of themselves, some of them so arrogant. Yet I have known some who honestly wanted to learn. The best of these were in an obscure college in Kansas City, fifty years ago. What a pleasure it was to teach them! Now, if you can find an occasional student like these, and if you can light a fire in that student, influence him or her with a love of learning more, you will have left a footprint behind. That is what matters, the only thing that matters. Leaving a footprint behind when the time comes for you to say goodbye, to go out into the dark night.
And, then I shall turn to my son and say, "What about you, after all these years? Have you left a footprint? And will you do so? It is not too late. It is never too late."
Again, my dog agrees, but he's thinking more of a paw print.

W.

Dee74

I have no words of wisdom either W - my experience is strictly from the son angle, not the parent.... but I'm glad you bought it here to vent, and that the responses have helped a little

Take care my friend
D