Soberwolf

Helllo hope everybody is happy doing whatever wherever

Just a quick note i believe i have just lost sombody i respected from my small bunch of aa friends sad thing is he said because i dont go meetings or do steps etc that he is wishing me well he said it all elonquently but basically said we differ in key areas

i have to respect that as that is his choice but this is truly like D turning his back on anyone of us after near 14 months of contact (14 months in 10h15min)

it just wouldnt happen

Thank you SR and thank you to all the SR team

LBrain

I am assuming this person basically cut you off from "friendship" and is otherwise still breathing my air.

Unfortunately if you want what 'they' have you must adhere to 'their' stipulations. Most unfortunate. I found that to be the case around here. If you don't go to their meetings they want nothing to do with you.
The 'friendship' and 'fellowship' even when I was going to meetings regularly was for just one hour and one hour only. Trying to meet sober friends is useless if they are in aa and you are not. Unless you are a regular dues paying member, you are on your own. And I'm okay with that.

Trust me, they know who throws a buck in the basket at every meeting and they keep score. I always do whenever I stop into a meeting, but I hear the talk.

You will always be a member of this group no matter what. Unfortunately it is only through electrons.

Dee74

I believe everyone has the right to believe what they believe even if I may not share that belief.
Sometimes in this world, thats a minority view.

I'm sorry you've lost a friend, mate.

D

Anna

I'm sorry you lost your friend, and in situations like that it can seem like we didn't see things clearly.

You have lots of friends and support here.

whalebelow2

I can understand why someone in AA would do that.

He's just trying to hold on to what he has found.

Watching you stay sober without doing what he feels he has to do, is scary to him.

Call it a herding instinct perhaps. Or him engaging "self protection " mode.

Release with love.

You do care, although that is your "protection mode" engaging by stating you don't.

If you genuinely didn't care less, you'd never give it a second thought or feel like posting it here.

By the way, I owe you a Pm. Thanks for yours, I must get onto a reply.

gratitude28

soberwolf,
I loved AA for some things, but I ended up having to go with the "Take what you need," part of it. There were a lot of people who wanted to dictate how you "should" be to have success. And there are cliques in AA. I met a lot of people I still adore and respect. And some I don't.
I am sorry your friend made that decision, because he's missing out on a good relationship with you.
Beth

whalebelow2

Deleted

Dee74

Please remember this is the Newcomers forum

If I or Anna have to post this rule too many more times, more people are going to find posts missing.

Let's cool it.

D

freshstart57

Does this guy really sound like a friend to you? If his sobriety is threatened by yours, it doesn't seem like good thing to have. Looking back, I would think you will feel you are better off without this sort of person in your life. Living a sober life is about knowing you can do better, and doing it. This sounds like a good example. At the end of it all, this guy is the one who will be missing out, not you. Onward!

aasharon90

I suited up and showed up to many
meetings to stay sober for me. I was
cordial to folks, nodded as to say hello,
shook hands, gave hugs, brought food
for service work, read and shared from
time to time, chit chatted for awhile
before returning home to my little family.

As a mom in recovery with a little family,
I knew where my priorities were and it
wasn't leaving my family to hang out
with AA folks on a regular bases other
than that one hour I sat in meetings.

Everyone has their own agendas, work,
family, single, married, etc. and for me
I had and have to do whats best for me.

Recovery for me is getting what I need
each day, which is the message of hope,
experiences and strengths from many who
have learned to stay sober for long periods
of time themselves.

Im a personal kind of person, meaning,
I like to live a quiet, simple, happy life
without everyone knowing my personal
business.

Some folks don't mind airing out all their
personal laundry so to speak in public or
in groups, but for me, I like my privacy.

The less people know about me the less
gossip there is for them to talk about or
spread.

When I got divorced a few yrs back, I had
no idea what would happen to me in my
personal life. Would I be dating one person
after another or be alone. Well, with keeping
close to my HP - Higher Power, Faith and
recovery program, my life was taken care
of.

My HP placed me with someone who is
also in recovery that I had never met
before and we both had long term marriages
in the past, and our lives were available
to be joined together.

We are now 5 yrs married and we live
private lives within our recovery program
peaceful, happy, healthy and honest.

It cant get any better than that. Or can it?

Hmmmmm.....I believe it can.

ScottFromWI

I have had something similar happen with a friend who is an "old timer" in AA. I've also recently had a similar situation with friends who left our church and have cut ties with many because they have an extremely narrow and rigid view of how others should follow their faith. I've also lost friends due to differences in business practices.

It's simply part of life as we are all different. I have found that it's best to wish them well and get on with what is best for me and my family.

whalebelow2

I wouldn't write off anything permanently yet.

Given time, this guy is very likely to come full circle and feel secure enough in his sobriety and chosen path to realise he made a mistake in thinking he had to sever ties in the first place.

The old saying about setting something free is probably worth keeping in mind in this situation.

I'm laughing at all the insinuations that this guy is just a cliquey AA toss pot. No great loss your better off without him kinda stuff.

Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks eh?

Soberwolf

Hello Whaleblow

i really do hope so but he has 5 years sobriety he said putting principles before personalitys and i have to respect that

Whaleblow your correct again in thinking i do care as this man i looked up to he lives in another country and we talk by email (after first meeting him at aa)

he is funny and i listened to him but he wasnt like this when i was with him in person

i havnt said this is how im doing my recovery and questioning his all ive said is im happy and sober

whaleblow this isnt an attack on aa this is something that is common in aa if you dont adhere your not sober (in some folks eyes)

at the end of the day he wished me well i sent back a msg saying the same not disrespecting him in anyway

i have to respect his wishes

whalebelow2

Yes it is common but it isn't right.

It's unfortunately just a part of many AA 's journey.

But like any journey, no part of it remains permanently.

It is a process, at least you're approaching this from what seems to me to be the right angle.

You've come a long way in 14 months mate.

Well done

Give yours and his journey time. Time is all we have when it is all boiled down.

Hevyn

Hard for me to understand that attitude - but you'll always have us soberwolf.

Soberwolf

Thank you so much everyone at SR and all the posts

Soberpotamus

Soberwolf, I'm sorry you've lost a friend. I've recently lost a friend due to his religious beliefs (and judgements). It's sad and unfortunate. I hope I never turn my back on someone because they have a different philosophy or worldview than mine.

You have friends here.

Gottalife

I don't believe you have lost a friend. It sounds to me like you don't want what he has to offer, so he's gone off in search of someone who does. Possibly he feels that if he pushes you, he may spoil your chance of recovery in the future. He feels it is better to detach than try to impose the AA solution.

If, at some future point, your circumstances change to the extent that you really feel the need to engage with AA, I am sure he would be among the first to offer his help and support.

In my own experience I have worked with folks who have been unable to attend meetings. I don't have a problem with that because my recovery came through the steps, not the meetings. But I'm not a doctor or counsellor, all I have is experience in recovery through the steps. I don't have any experience of recovery by other means, I don't even know anyone who has that experience. So maybe I wouldn't be of much help at the moment.

Thepatman

You can practice tolerance, respect. Expecting the same from others is impossible.
Juts live your life, with love and compassion.

Everything else is just drama, weed it out.

We love the SoberWolf we got to know on SR. Never change my friend

MIRecovery

I let a couple of people into my heart in AA and they are both dead. Alcohol won and they lost. After this I am pretty darn careful about who I let in. I am nice, welcoming, helpful, and caring but emotionally I keep my distance because I am very selfish about my sobriety.

Unfortunately it is reality that many fail. I can carry the message and pray for others success.