What does unmanageability mean?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: BC
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What does unmanageability mean?
Externally, my life does not look so bad. I've never lost a job, a house, my kids ... never got a DUI or went to jail. I don't have creditors knocking on my door. So what exactly is unmanageable about my life?
Now lets take a look at the inside. Mentallly, emotionally I do not deal with anything because I don't know how to. All my life, I have drank my feelings away ... drowned them so as to not look too hard in the mirror. I have such anger inside ... a rage really ... that only surfaces when I drink. It's a frightening thing to behold, this Jekyll and Hyde in me. I cannot maintain a normal adult relationship for any length of time,I always find a reason to leave before "the alcohol" becomes the issue, even though, underneath, that is the ultimate driving force. I keep everyone at arms length, the ones I have not driven away because of my stupid, drunk antics, because I do not trust anyone enough to have a close friendship. These examples are but a tip of the iceberg, but I think the point is made.
Unmanageable ... absolutely. I cannot manage the internal part of me, although externally, I seem pretty together. I know that most people would be shocked if I told them that I am an alcoholic in recovery. Just because I am not on skid row does not mean that my life is manageable. I am managing to survive, I am not managing to live ... there's a big difference.
Just some thoughts for the day ...
Now lets take a look at the inside. Mentallly, emotionally I do not deal with anything because I don't know how to. All my life, I have drank my feelings away ... drowned them so as to not look too hard in the mirror. I have such anger inside ... a rage really ... that only surfaces when I drink. It's a frightening thing to behold, this Jekyll and Hyde in me. I cannot maintain a normal adult relationship for any length of time,I always find a reason to leave before "the alcohol" becomes the issue, even though, underneath, that is the ultimate driving force. I keep everyone at arms length, the ones I have not driven away because of my stupid, drunk antics, because I do not trust anyone enough to have a close friendship. These examples are but a tip of the iceberg, but I think the point is made.
Unmanageable ... absolutely. I cannot manage the internal part of me, although externally, I seem pretty together. I know that most people would be shocked if I told them that I am an alcoholic in recovery. Just because I am not on skid row does not mean that my life is manageable. I am managing to survive, I am not managing to live ... there's a big difference.
Just some thoughts for the day ...
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi hokey I can have bad days but it was what you said about not managing to live but just managing to survive I get that as I once was like that
Had to adjust in terms of everything that was stopping my goals....me
If u ever want to chat on a basic human level you might have trouble with trust but hopefully being here will show you its OK
Had to adjust in terms of everything that was stopping my goals....me
If u ever want to chat on a basic human level you might have trouble with trust but hopefully being here will show you its OK
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by hokey 
I have such anger inside ... a rage really ... that only surfaces when I drink. It's a frightening thing to behold, this Jekyll and Hyde in me. I cannot maintain a normal adult relationship for any length of time,I always find a reason to leave before "the alcohol" becomes the issue, even though, underneath, that is the ultimate driving force. I keep everyone at arms length, the ones I have not driven away because of my stupid, drunk antics, because I do not trust anyone enough to have a close friendship. These examples are but a tip of the iceberg, but I think the point is made.
I had a trust issue too. Still do. But working on that
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
yup, great post. Can really relate to the "internal struggle" of it all.
Mind you, from the outside my life was looking damn unmanageable with TWO DUIS over 6 years
loss of jobs - check
kicked outta home - check
loss of relationships/friendships - double check check
I'm 108 days now and feel I am now just getting to know who I am. In my first "healthy" relationship at 37.5yrs old.
Navigating all the emotions on a clear and sober mind (and conscious) is draining as sh** some days! LOL
I also relate to the "people would be shocked to know I'm an alcoholic"....I can't count how many times I have had people say "but...but...YOU? really??"
Even in the detox I checked into in May - a few people said "you don't seem the type to be here"...bizarre.
thanks for sharing!
Mind you, from the outside my life was looking damn unmanageable with TWO DUIS over 6 years
loss of jobs - check
kicked outta home - check
loss of relationships/friendships - double check check
I'm 108 days now and feel I am now just getting to know who I am. In my first "healthy" relationship at 37.5yrs old.
Navigating all the emotions on a clear and sober mind (and conscious) is draining as sh** some days! LOL
I also relate to the "people would be shocked to know I'm an alcoholic"....I can't count how many times I have had people say "but...but...YOU? really??"
Even in the detox I checked into in May - a few people said "you don't seem the type to be here"...bizarre.
thanks for sharing!
Hokey, you are 
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
the only thing i kept on saying to myself after reading your post op was the word YET
your not on skid row YET
i wasnt on skid row at one time in my life and i behaved just like you, when i got my drink driving ban i was a truck driver self employed so that was my living gone in a blink of an eye
my answer was to drink even more and it would cause huge upsets, i would get into drunken fights now as i was drinking worse so more trouble and all the time my money was going down and i did nothing to stop it other than drink
on an on it went until i had nothing
hence i say to anyone who had it all right now carry on with how your going and if your an alcoholic like me then it will not be to many years before it gets worse and worse and have nothing left
i just wish i had stopped drinking before i lost it all if only,
many people on here do have that chance to stop before then end up like i did i just hope that they can see it themselves but sadly i didnt see it as i just couldnt face up to life without the booze
your not on skid row YET
i wasnt on skid row at one time in my life and i behaved just like you, when i got my drink driving ban i was a truck driver self employed so that was my living gone in a blink of an eye
my answer was to drink even more and it would cause huge upsets, i would get into drunken fights now as i was drinking worse so more trouble and all the time my money was going down and i did nothing to stop it other than drink
on an on it went until i had nothing
hence i say to anyone who had it all right now carry on with how your going and if your an alcoholic like me then it will not be to many years before it gets worse and worse and have nothing left
i just wish i had stopped drinking before i lost it all if only,
many people on here do have that chance to stop before then end up like i did i just hope that they can see it themselves but sadly i didnt see it as i just couldnt face up to life without the booze
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by hokey
Externally, my life does not look so bad. I've never lost a job, a house, my kids ... never got a DUI or went to jail. I don't have creditors knocking on my door. So what exactly is unmanageable about my life?
Now lets take a look at the inside. Mentallly, emotionally I do not deal with anything because I don't know how to. All my life, I have drank my feelings away ... drowned them so as to not look too hard in the mirror. I have such anger inside ... a rage really ... that only surfaces when I drink. It's a frightening thing to behold, this Jekyll and Hyde in me. I cannot maintain a normal adult relationship for any length of time,I always find a reason to leave before "the alcohol" becomes the issue, even though, underneath, that is the ultimate driving force. I keep everyone at arms length, the ones I have not driven away because of my stupid, drunk antics, because I do not trust anyone enough to have a close friendship. These examples are but a tip of the iceberg, but I think the point is made.
Unmanageable ... absolutely. I cannot manage the internal part of me, although externally, I seem pretty together. I know that most people would be shocked if I told them that I am an alcoholic in recovery. Just because I am not on skid row does not mean that my life is manageable. I am managing to survive, I am not managing to live ... there's a big difference.
Just some thoughts for the day ...
Now lets take a look at the inside. Mentallly, emotionally I do not deal with anything because I don't know how to. All my life, I have drank my feelings away ... drowned them so as to not look too hard in the mirror. I have such anger inside ... a rage really ... that only surfaces when I drink. It's a frightening thing to behold, this Jekyll and Hyde in me. I cannot maintain a normal adult relationship for any length of time,I always find a reason to leave before "the alcohol" becomes the issue, even though, underneath, that is the ultimate driving force. I keep everyone at arms length, the ones I have not driven away because of my stupid, drunk antics, because I do not trust anyone enough to have a close friendship. These examples are but a tip of the iceberg, but I think the point is made.
Unmanageable ... absolutely. I cannot manage the internal part of me, although externally, I seem pretty together. I know that most people would be shocked if I told them that I am an alcoholic in recovery. Just because I am not on skid row does not mean that my life is manageable. I am managing to survive, I am not managing to live ... there's a big difference.
Just some thoughts for the day ...
And yeah, people might be "shocked" if you described yourself in such a hopeless manner. I doubt anyone would bat an eye if you told them you were a non-drinker living a healthy lifestyle and happy to leave behind a very addictive drug. How we perceive ourselves is often 9/10th of the battle. At least for me...
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