What does unmanageability mean?
 

Externally, my life does not look so bad. I've never lost a job, a house, my kids ... never got a DUI or went to jail. I don't have creditors knocking on my door. So what exactly is unmanageable about my life?

Now lets take a look at the inside. Mentallly, emotionally I do not deal with anything because I don't know how to. All my life, I have drank my feelings away ... drowned them so as to not look too hard in the mirror. I have such anger inside ... a rage really ... that only surfaces when I drink. It's a frightening thing to behold, this Jekyll and Hyde in me. I cannot maintain a normal adult relationship for any length of time,I always find a reason to leave before "the alcohol" becomes the issue, even though, underneath, that is the ultimate driving force. I keep everyone at arms length, the ones I have not driven away because of my stupid, drunk antics, because I do not trust anyone enough to have a close friendship. These examples are but a tip of the iceberg, but I think the point is made.

Unmanageable ... absolutely. I cannot manage the internal part of me, although externally, I seem pretty together. I know that most people would be shocked if I told them that I am an alcoholic in recovery. Just because I am not on skid row does not mean that my life is manageable. I am managing to survive, I am not managing to live ... there's a big difference.

Just some thoughts for the day ...

Hi hokey I can have bad days but it was what you said about not managing to live but just managing to survive I get that as I once was like that

Had to adjust in terms of everything that was stopping my goals....me

If u ever want to chat on a basic human level you might have trouble with trust but hopefully being here will show you its OK

I had that rage too. Wow, did it run deep. Some of it was "righteous anger" that I had toward my family. But over time, most of it was rage at myself. Rage at life in general. All of the above. Just rage.

I had a trust issue too. Still do. But working on that :)

Nice post Holly!! :)

I relate Hokey. Very much. Thank you.

yup, great post. Can really relate to the "internal struggle" of it all.
Mind you, from the outside my life was looking damn unmanageable with TWO DUIS over 6 years :(
loss of jobs - check
kicked outta home - check
loss of relationships/friendships - double check check

I'm 108 days now and feel I am now just getting to know who I am. In my first "healthy" relationship at 37.5yrs old.
Navigating all the emotions on a clear and sober mind (and conscious) is draining as sh** some days! LOL

I also relate to the "people would be shocked to know I'm an alcoholic"....I can't count how many times I have had people say "but...but...YOU? really??"
Even in the detox I checked into in May - a few people said "you don't seem the type to be here"...bizarre.

thanks for sharing!

http://f9vision.com/wp-content/uploa...low-Rose-1.jpgHokey, you are FANTASTIC, rootin for ya. :egypt:

From page 52 big book of alcoholics anonymous.

the only thing i kept on saying to myself after reading your post op was the word YET

your not on skid row YET

i wasnt on skid row at one time in my life and i behaved just like you, when i got my drink driving ban i was a truck driver self employed so that was my living gone in a blink of an eye
my answer was to drink even more and it would cause huge upsets, i would get into drunken fights now as i was drinking worse so more trouble and all the time my money was going down and i did nothing to stop it other than drink

on an on it went until i had nothing

hence i say to anyone who had it all right now carry on with how your going and if your an alcoholic like me then it will not be to many years before it gets worse and worse and have nothing left

i just wish i had stopped drinking before i lost it all if only,

many people on here do have that chance to stop before then end up like i did i just hope that they can see it themselves but sadly i didnt see it as i just couldnt face up to life without the booze

Sobriety is freedom. Perhaps you are viewing recovery as a prison? As an eternal curse? It's none of those things. Quit the drink and you are free. I see a lot of AV in this post, the part of you that wants to drink trying to convince you that a life of sobriety is a god-awful struggle and simply not worth it. Of course, you know that voice will tell you anything to get that next drink.

And yeah, people might be "shocked" if you described yourself in such a hopeless manner. I doubt anyone would bat an eye if you told them you were a non-drinker living a healthy lifestyle and happy to leave behind a very addictive drug. How we perceive ourselves is often 9/10th of the battle. At least for me...

Wow ... some really missed the point of the post. That's ok ... different perspectives are good.