vicNeedsHelp

This is my first post. I drank last night. And this morning. I am a highly functioning alcoholic. This is my first attempt to rectify my life. I have had no detrimental effects of alcoholism so far but I know I am hooked. This is also my first admission. I never appear drunk to others around me. I watch very carefully for that. I also only drink top-shelf liquor, so people assume I only drink a little and "for the taste of it", like people who smoke cigars don't smoke cigarettes. They probably think, "how can he be an alcoholic is he drinks Grey Goose." Oh, they're wrong. I drink top-shelf liquor because my salary allows me to get drunk on top-shelf liquor. It's not "for the taste of it".

I can finish a litter of Hennessey by myself in one night and be extremely productive at work the following morning. Actually I can finish it in the morning and be extremely productive two hours later. I am a computer programmer and my ideas (my inspiration) comes from alcohol. How can I stop drinking? How? My habits and my job are mutually sustaining?

AA is not an option. It just isn't. My girlfriend who has lived with me for 6 years knows but she won't confront me and I know it. This isn't healthy.

I used to have three addictions: nicotine, weed, and alcohol. I kicked nicotine one two years ago. I kicked weed three month ago (after smoking three bowls of high-quality stuff a day). Those two were my justification for upping my alcohol intake. Substitute one with the other. Please tell me it's not good. Please tell me someone else went through this hell.

Vic

P.S. I need your help.

Altoids

I really do understand this. I was able to do quite a bit more creatively when my brain was fueled with alcohol, and was able to be highly functioning at my job (similar to yours) . . . for a while. Then it crashed. You are before the crash right now. Your body can only manage this for a while.

There are other options than AA. You may check out AVRT (there's a great thread on here in the secular recovery section or you can look it up online) AVRT has helped a lot. I use AVRT and AA bc I need the face to face accountability. Also, stay close on SR. Check in, post, read, . . .there are some fun threads that will get you out of your head when you want to drink.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

It may be sustainable at the moment, but it's not sustainable in the long term, something has to give eventually, and the big one is health, drinking in the morning is not going to end well.

You'll find loads of support here on SR, and support is important, when your mind convinces you to have a drink tonight, you need something outside of yourself to remain Sober, so what are you prepared to do? AA is off the table, but you need to do something, there are other secular choices for meetings, community groups etc, or some simply use SR, you have to make it happen!!

Great to have you here!!

SparkyMcSparky

And I can say you're lucky.

My performance was as good or better when hung over.

No DUI, no drunk driving accidents, no real consequences from drinking too much.

But one day my luck was to run out. One day yours will too. Better to stop drinking before this happens.

IOAA2

Hi and welcome Vic.
You are not unique in thinking and justifying. First alcohol is alcohol whether it’s in cheap beer or refined high end booze.
At a certain point in certain peoples drinking life it becomes uncontrollable and no matter how much we try it’s not reversible and we are the hated word “alcoholic.” It’s like a pickle can never again be a cucumber. All we can do is control it by not drinking alcohol, it’s that simple tho not usually easy.
Honesty to ourselves about our drinking and accepting the fact we cannot drink in safety again is require to become a sober person along with work to insure we stay recovered.
When we are sincere we will go to any length to get and stay sober, even go to AA every day. I do not like pain or do I suffer well so that’s what I did for a long time. Unfortunately many who want and choose the softest easiest way are now under the grass roots. Yes it is that serious!

BE WELL

FreeOwl

I used to think I was "highly functioning" too.... and, by many standards, I could still make that argument.

But I came to find out how much my functioning was truly impaired. How fractured that "highly functioning" thinking was. I came to see how negatively I'd impacted my life for so, so many years. My "highly functioning" rationale cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars and years off my life that could have otherwise been fully lived in joy and love and creation.... I never lost it all. I never lost a job because of drinking, never homeless, never tarnished reputations beyond those with a close few. But, I managed to eff up a very large proportion of my life; all the while remaining convinced just how "highly functioning" I was.

Like you, AA "wasn't an option". At least not for a lot of years.

My experience is that I am truly grateful I finally let go of the "Highly Functioning" illusion. I am grateful that I was able to humble myself enough to give AA a chance to be one of the tools I would use in sobriety.

I am grateful for every day I now wake up sober and see how much more Highly Functioning I really am each day that I don't drink and as I watch my life get better and better.

I am SO grateful I left the grey goose behind.... and ALL the fancy, expensive, highly-functioning bottles on the shelves well higher than grey goose....

It was all a big fat lie.

Welcome, and thank you for the courage to share and for helping me honor my choice of sobriety today.

May you soon discover how truly Highly you are capable of Functioning.

Soberwolf

I'm having trouble as your saying you know its a problem you got the gf giving you the look

If you can drink and be highly productive and I'm not saying this for any other reason but for you to realise that it won't last and it is guarenteed to end bad

You have refused aa point blank there are other recovery groups ie SOS and we are here

How to stop drinking well you stop drinking you know it will get worse so stop now and salvage

My honest opinion is you have to open up a bit even if its tiny broaden your vision and perspective

Being here is a good place to be and for great advice and suggestion

Wish you all the best in the world

You can do it its just a case of when you will

GotGrace

Welcome to SR, Vic! Whether you are drinking Grey Goose or mouthwash, you are not drinking like a "normie." It does sound like you are headed for a crash; you've been lucky so far.

I am impressed that even though you haven't suffered any terrible consequences you are aware that there is a problem. SR has been such help to me and I hope you will stick around and see what the boards have to offer.

Again, welcome. You are not alone!

Tang

Vic - I used to be a programmer. Actually I still do some coding but not as much as before. You don't need substances to be creative. You can find inspiration in other things. First you have to stop using.

HenryKrinkle

AA wasn't an option for me either. Luckily, there are other options. I found Rational Recovery/AVRT and that approach really spoke to me and it ended up helping me a lot. Maybe it could help you too?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

EJ43

Hi Vic! I am a stoli and red wine girl myself! Live in a nice town, have a great family, nice home....have accomplished A LOT with athletics. Buy boy could I drink, wow! It escalated from drinking very very heavily to isolation and almost shutting down due to the cycle of drink, drunk, blackout, hangover, repeat. I got everyone to practices, to school, I chugged through but man it was physically and emotionally painful. I was trying to escape stress and numb. It doesn't work. I was really really good at making it work for decades and then the house of cards fell. No DUI, no home loss, no arrests, but my house of cards fell behind the scenes. People without a problem don't think or struggle whether they have a problem. You came here for a reason and many many people here will understand. Good luck!

ccam1973

... what other's have said.

Something's got to give. And sooner or later it definitely will. No question about it. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

I thought I was extremely productive and functional for MANY years. I didn't realize that it was catching up to me every time I took a drink.

15 years of heavily drinking liquor daily, i was diagnosed with fatty liver disease. I convinced myself it was because i had some extra weight on me. Lost 20 or so pounds, switched to beer and never went back to the doctor for a check-up.

Fast forward 6 years and here I am. Scared what continued heavy drinking has done to my body.

My productivity slid to an absolutely pathetic degree. I was neglecting work, but more importantly, neglecting my wife and kids... I was lazy, unproductive, looked terrible all of the time... everything, and I mean everything, revolved around drinking for me.

I was drinking from morning to night. From the outside looking in, you would have never known. My wife was in shock when I finally told her how much I was drinking. My co-workers never had any idea I was drinking at work. I was NEVER sober. It was killing me and those who counted on me as a husband and father.

Anyway, you can do this. You have to make the decision to stop for yourself. It is hell, but achievable and so worth the effort. Read up on others' stories here; I guarantee you will be able to relate to many.

That is what helped me most of all. I did not swear off AA, I just found that with dedication and a ton of time on this site I am able to stay sober. If that changes; which it won't; I will change my strategy.

Find a plan that works for you, stick to it and give sobriety a chance. I have a feeling you may re-think how highly you are functioning after clearing out your system for a while.

Best of luck, this is a great community with a ton of support!

Meraviglioso

Hi Vic, Glad to have you here. I too, was- was.... a highly functioning alcoholic. I never missed work, was successful, always got up with the kids, made them a hot breakfast, got everything done, always made it to the gym for an intense workout despite the hangover, met all of my obligations. But I was drinking myself into oblivion every day and night. I have no idea how I kept up, but I did. Then, slowly, slowly things started to change. Slowly. But all of the sudden, about several months ago, things started going downhill at a massively rapid pace. I was messing up everything and about to lose everything. I am still facing a battle of fighting off relapses, of which I have had several, but I was able to hit the brakes in time before all was lost. Just in the nick of time. I assure you, if you keep drinking, one day you will find yourself in the same situation, spiraling out of control. I am here, serious about getting sober now. No matter how many times I relapse (which I hope will be never again) I will keep coming back. I want the sober life, it is astonishing how much more manageable it is. I had no idea how "unfunctioning" my "functioning" alcoholism was until I finally stopped. Best of luck to you.

FeelingGreat

Hi Vic, I was going ok at work too, but the fact is alcohol does have detrimental long term effect on the brain, and your brain is your living. There's plenty of evidence you can study online or in books.
Because I was functioning ok, and not hurting anyone (living alone), I had to motivate myself, and I did it by researching alcoholism. The late stages aren't pretty. Another motivation was the fear of people feeling sorry for me if I became an obvious alcoholic.
Think about where you want to be in the future. What will it look like if you keep drinking at this rate for say another 5 years?
Do what it takes to stop altogether. I've been sober for 2 and half years, and it was the best thing I ever did.

jdooner

Welcome! You will find support and wisdom through experience on these pages.

Lol - I was like you once too. If this helps you rationalize in the early days then fine. However, I would take a different perspective and challenge your conclusion and perhaps offer up that you may be deluding yourself here. Perhaps others are more aware of your problems then you think. They like your girlfriend might not know how to address you though. See you rationalize your addiction with an addicted mind. Its kind of like a blind man giving another blind man directions by sight.

These are lies you are telling yourself. There is no way you can realize they are lies without stopping. All scientific evidence concludes nobody's brain operates more efficiently while inebriated. Even writing this sounds silly that I would have to convince you of this. Its like suggesting you work better on crack the same process is actually occurring chemically.

There are many ways other than AA to get and stay sober.


Not mine but you do need help - again welcome and congrats on recognizing you need a change.

FreeOwl

I agree with the above.... the notion that you're being "inspired" to greatness by alcohol - whether as a computer programmer or an artist - is another Big Fat Lie.

Your inspiration is happening DESPITE your use of alcohol....

You will be absolutely amazed at what you're capable of without it.

Hobbers

Hi Vic,


Sounds exactly like me. Exactly. I actually am (was?) a cocktail and spirits writer and researcher (don't laugh- there are such things!) in addition to my day job. Go read my first post or two here, 2 weeks ago.

I can totally relate, and it is great when another one of us 'high-flying closet drunks' posts on here. I feel less alone. Perhaps you will as well.

I'm 16 days good, and plan to keep it that way. I haven't lost anything- yet- of significance, and I DO NOT intend to start watching the finer/nicer things in life slip though my fingers like sand through an hourglass.

I'm here for ya if you want to chat, anytime, or PM me, mate.

Hobbers

Huh- I have NEVER heard that analogy before. I like it, a lot.


Thanks!

KateL

It's not good and I feel for you immensely. I was never particularly functioning. I wasn't very good at it at all. I'm glad in a way because my body was warned constantly that it was being poisoned by the pain and sickness I regularly felt. It must be harder when you don't have that incentive. You clearly aren't happy with things so I do hope you get the help you need soon before you do some permanent damage. Well done for kicking the cigs and weed though. xxxx

Anna

Hi Vic,

I'm glad you posted.

I think lots of us substitute one addiction for another. The thing is, it's not really about the alcohol/weed/nicotine, but rather about the feelings that we are trying to avoid dealing with. Hopefully you will find lots of support here.