whalebelow

"I will again decide to have "just one drink". That's when it all starts. Ugh."

That is the epitome of alcoholic thinking & drinking right there Vic.

100's of mornings, I'd come too, hung to bits, no memory past the first 3 hours of drinking and think "SH*T ... I was only going to have 1 or 2 drinks"

Sometimes I set out to get properly plastered, but its the ones when you didn't that are the most demoralising.

I know you stated AA isn't an option and maybe you meant AA - meetings are not an option.

But you can get a real opinion on what constitutes alcoholic thinking & drinking by reading the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" ..... no meetings, but a whole lot of much needed "identification" for you.

Free PDF's all over the net, just google.

The Doctors Opinion is a good start & if that grabs your attention, read Bill's Story too.

Its only 164 pages, after that its all personal stories. I read the 164 in two nights.

Changed my life, simple as that !

MelindaFlowers

I have to second the recommendation to read the Big Book. I am not an AA member but I read it and could relate to every one of the stories in it. It pretty much nails the definition of an alcoholic. Reading it helped me for sure. I would recommend it to anyone who is worried that they drink too much.

silentrun

Welcome to SR Vic. I was able to get myself to accept alcoholic as long as I could still put "high functioning" in front of it. Like another poster said I did everything I needed to do almost to the point of perfectionism just to prove that my drinking wasn't that bad. It wasn't until the depression cleared out that I started to see just how bad things had gotten.

sthlondonab

Hi OP

I relate to your post and glad you wrote on here.

I am early days here, the advice and support that is here is great.

That someone said about the slide down is totally accurate. I was 'functioning' - never ever a hangover day at work, decent reviews, good results, able to drink high end alcohol on expenses, just doing what everyone else in the industry was doing, great life with my partner.

It caught me quickly, but had been spiralling out of control for months. Was I doing like everyone else by drinking in the bathroom in the afternoons at work? Did they get scooped up by an ambulance after passing out in the street? Did they have trouble with the police through drinking? My partner left too, had enough of all of the above. All of this happened within a month, I could feel it happening but continued to drink. Not high end in nice bars but locked away at home on my own.

I like to think the bottom came up and hit me hard, I am now in a programme and use SR often.

I hope you can seek some support and your first night was OK.

DisplacedGRITS

Hi Vic. I just want to make some observations here. You describe yourself as a high functioning alcoholic. You drink top shelf booze and feel like alcohol makes you more creative and inspired. You claim not to have lost anything from alcohol, yet you desire to quit. So, where is the ugly side of your drinking? Why do you want to quit? What's motivating you? You describe your alcoholism in some pretty positive ways. Is your drinking a mostly positive influence in your life? Why do you want to quit? Society? Fear? I'm curious.

AA isn't an option. Why? Fear? Contempt prior to investigation? Because you're not one of "those" alcoholics? Again, I'm curious.

autumn2

I agree with GotGrace ,"it just got real" with the greygoose/mouthwash comparison.

It seems as if your perception of it is, it's not that bad if you can afford the good stuff. Idk maybe I'm wrong. Anyways, This is a great forum,you will learn a lot on here

Croissant

Welcome Vic. I think over time I realised the term "high functioning" wasn't one I agreed with after all.

I've been where you are. I feel for you. I tricked myself that the high salary, all the perks were evidence I had succeeded - I must be doing something right, hey?

You know deep down that's not the case. Let's find out who the real you is without alcohol? You may even find the life you are living now isn't the one you wanted anyway.

vicNeedsHelp

I want to stop because I fear of where I'm going. Drinking 5-10 shots in the morning is not normal behavior, right? I see the progression of increasing my alcohol consumption and I fear where it will lead. I started out with three beers every night years ago. Then it became six, then it became six at night and another three in the morning, then I switched to liquor, etc. etc. Every time I switched to a higher dose, there was a "logical" explanation, such as life has just gotten more stressful so I need a little more help dealing with things. If I don't stop now, I know it won't end well. I have to stop.

vicNeedsHelp

So it's been just under 24 hours since my last drink. No alcohol in the house now. Poured out the last of Hennessey yesterday morning. A long and stressful day ahead. But just as yesterday, I more worried about staying sober later in the evening when I usually unwind with a bottle.

Meraviglioso

Hey Vic, the evenings are toughest for me too. I used to drink all day long, starting as early as first thing in the morning, but the nights were when I really had at it. The cravings are likely to come. I have done a few things to combat that. One, I timed my really intense cravings for a couple of days and now when they come on I start watching the clock knowing that the worst part will be over in 5-7 minutes. Another thing I do is I plan ahead for the "danger hours" which for me are 17:00-19:30. I want to drink before, during and after, but based on my old drinking patterns I know that the time I would completely let go and drink as much as I wanted was form 5-7:30 pm. So now I plan to be doing something during that time. I have experimented and found that generally being out of the house in my car is not a good idea because I have so many nearby bars. Just hanging around in my house is also not good because I could slip out to any number of places within a 1km radius and get a bottle to bring home. So I schedule work projects during that time- ones that require I be with other people such as the English lessons. Or, I focus on cooking for my children and cleaning the house during that time. My house is a total mess now and I have the time to clean it now, but I am saving that for tonight during my danger hours as it will keep me busy. Once I arrive at 7:30 I mentally feel safer and then I only need to focus on making it until bedtime or until the time my boyfriend arrives to visit. He disapproves of me drinking so I know once he arrives I will not drink. Or, if I am not expecting to visit, once the kids go to bed I take a bath and go to bed to end the AV torment.

Meraviglioso

oh and I just wanted to add that it sounds like a lot of work to plan around this and it is, but I am hoping that with time these will become my natural habits and I won't have to focus so intently on staying sober. I know it will always be a battle- there are others here with years of sobriety to prove that, but I feel certain it won't always require such exhausting focus and work.

melki

SO good for you for realizing it now!!! So many of us have hit lowest of the lows before getting to that point, some with dire consequences such as DUIs, public humiliation, serious health problems... What really made an impression on me and I agree with it wholeheartedly now: "highly functioning is not the type of alcoholism, it's a stage".

I recognize and very much relate to the stage where you are now, and you are correct - it only gets worse from there. The thirst for it gets stronger, it sucks you in deeper and deeper, and even if you could manage everything pretty well before, you start slipping and making mistakes, the desire to drink becomes all-consuming and the effects on your behaviour and life progressively worse.

You're on the right path! Use this site to get you through, read a lot, post a lot. You will find a lot of support and inspiration here. You are not alone in this. People in your life who don't have a drinking problem will not be able to appreciate the magnitute of the demon you're battling, we do. Welcome to the forum and good luck on your journey!

FreeOwl

well done.....

and yeah, drinking 5-10 shots in the morning is only normal for someone with a pretty well-developed alcohol problem.

that, I should qualify my statement, is just the opinion of a guy who formerly had a pretty well-developed alcohol problem.

You're on the right track.

Do consider reading the AA Big Book.... I know you're opposed to AA, but at least reading the book gives you a lot of insight and things to think about. You're at a point here that you have a lot going for you; you haven't pissed it all away yet.

But that's a double-edged sword, because when we haven't pissed it all away yet, and we try to choose sobriety, most often our alcoholic self begins to work hard at convincing us how 'OK' we actually were.

Just needed a break
Just need to dial it back a bit
Just need to take it easy
Just gotta drink beer instead
Just drink when we're out with friends
Just drink at home
Just drink when we're not upset
Just drink when we're not sad
Just drink when we're together
Just drink when we're alone
Just drink in the evenings
Just drink in the morning....
Just drink....
Just drink.......
JUST DRINK!!!!!!!

You're on the right track, but you're most likely going to need a plan and a program to rewire your life into sobriety if you want it to stick without having to go further down the dark chute....

melki

Come here in the evening and post instead. Unwind here, work on the plan to go forward. Number one thing is recognizing that once you've turned that alcoholic corner, moderation doesn't work. We've tried it all. FreeOwl has put it very well - the voice will try to convince you to just drink a little, just drink when stressed, just drink when it's a celebration, just drink on weekends, etc etc etc. It all leads down the same trap eventually. The sooner you embrace sobriety, the better. Good luck!!!

IOAA2

Hi again Vic.

Many have reasons for “AA is not an option.” It’s usually based on fear of the unknown, fear that it’s religious or any other reasons. All I know is it’s successful IF the program is followed, it’s been de bugged over the years by the professionals.
I’d suggest that during your normal evening drinking periods to just go and sit in at meetings and listen. You don’t have to say a word. It will get you through a tough period of your day and you may pick up a few pearls that might help.

BE WELL

Croissant

Just be careful, you might want to visit a Doctor. You've been drinking a fairly heavy amount, might be dangerous just to go cold turkey without supervision.

(Sorry if I'm repeating if it's already been mentioned.)

melki

And sometimes it just isn't an option. For whatever reasons. I personally wish I knew AA was not the only way out because that made me feel trapped for years.

Vic, Croissant has a very important point - be careful and read up on alcohol withdrawals.

FreeOwl

lots of options....AA is not the only path.

but it IS crucial to have a plan, a system, a structure....

and also, AA's literature offers a wealth of insight about the struggle with alcohol. So even if not willing or able to be a part of it, one can learn from just reading up.

These are all just tools... and the more tools we have and the more we learn, the more empowered we are to find the path that works for our individual needs, perspective and situation.

melki

Agree with every word!

jdooner

Congrats man...how about coming here in the evenings and posting. Commit to one post per night. Just see how that goes? Maybe surfing the urges might gt you through them without acting on them? Lots of support...most of us have walked in your shoes.

I was you one year ago today - exactly!