HikerLady

My AH is recently having some fairly severe stomach issues and is to date not willing to see a doctor. I cannot be empathetic when he's hurting and complaining yet doesn't see any need for a doctor visit. I know it's beyond the normal "I feel bad" complaints, he looks really bad, stayed home from work earlier in the week (alcoholic gastritis is just a guess but he won't know unless he gets a professional dx). Yesterday on his way out the door to work I asked if he thought it had anything to do with his drinking and he responded with a quick no. I expected that, also think I was reaffirming where he stood in regards to his health overall (alcohol first ALWAYS, even to the extent of it causing physical pain and/or death).

I woke up this morning feeling good about my choice to not help in easing his discomfort concerning his latest stomach issues. I'll drive him to the doctor or hospital, but I will not invest any more time being stressed over his decline when HE is the only one who can and needs to deal with it if he has any chance of getting better. I hand over my stress and worry to the powers that be, what happens is what happens, I have no control and will only react if called upon to actually support his action in this matter, not his inaction. It's a struggle being the wife of an alcoholic, the normal rules of showing active love of your spouse are in conflict at times. I cannot take care of him when he's sick, yet still capable, when it blocks his path towards potential realization that he needs to be the one to seek help from a professional if there's any chance of lasting sobriety and health.

All that said,and thanks for listening, I continue to grow and learn and find joy in everyday on this earth despite the inherent struggles of being married to an alcoholic. My sons are actually becoming far more likely to spend time with their Dad despite his moods when drinking (my effective loving detachment has taught them to do the same and they no longer remove themselves from the entire situation). I am enjoying every bit of what time I have left with them before they are finally able to leave the nest. I sometimes catch myself future tripping over what it will be like when they are both gone. I know I'll bawl my eyes out. There is also this little growing excitement for them, and for me. It'll be a new chapter for me, as much as I know I will go through some sadness, I also know I'll drag my butt out of it and embrace a new sense of independence with gusto in the end.

I'm married into a family of Catholics. One of the many things I find lovely about a Catholic service is the saying "peace be with you" and the immediate response "and also with you". One of the many things I love about SR is that I have faith that every single person here wishes peace towards their fellow SR members. It's a beautiful thing to feel connected to people I don't even know. Thank you all for being here and helping/reminding me that I truly am never really alone in my struggles. One step at a time. One day at a time. Peace be with you all.

ResignedToWait

Thank you for the update...

...and YOU have it together! Wow, what a healthy outlook and attitude you have! That's fantastic.

lizatola

Thank you for sharing this because I was just obsessing TODAY over the fact that my AH is taking way too many laxatives and that his diet is all over the place, etc. I have no idea what is going on with him or if it's a side effect of his medications but I was concerned today when I emptied the trash and found 3 empty boxes of laxatives.

You've just reminded me to stay on my side of the street. Thank you!!! And, I love that saying in church, too. I used to go to a Lutheran church where they did that and I miss it now that I attend a non-denominational church. Hope you have a great week!

CodeJob

HikerLady,

Such a sweet post. Peace be with you too!

I suppose not going to the MD keeps the A in denial. If nothing is official, then there isn't a problem... Mine does that too - even as a RAH.

hopeful4

HikerLady,

That is a wonderful post. I wish you peace also. We say that in my church also, it is one tradition I truly appreciate.

It's always amazing to me to see how willing they are to suffer. I am guessing he won't go b/c of fear. Burying the head in the sand. Goodness.

Tight Hugs.

Thumper

Liz,

I just read an article about eating disorders in teenage boys. It is on the rise and laxatives (and purging) was cited as one of the more common means of controlling weight for boys, who don't typically fast.

I'm guessing I'm way off the mark. I have no reason to suspect that. I was compelled to post only because we have kids the same age, and if I remember right some of the same LD's so I feel like a mother in arms .

My son is soooo thin. I'm always on the look out even though I have no reason to suspect an eating disorder even though he's so thin. I think it just genetics.

hopeful4

Be careful. Eating disorders are on the rise for boys. I know there are some local boys that hang out at the park that my DD told me never eat and it's like they have to be super skinny to fit into this skater image these boys have. They also love to take pics on Instagram of their skinny stomach. Not trying to scare you, it is just that my DD and I were just talking about this the other day.

I also know there are some that it really is just genetics.

XXX

HikerLady

Resigned, thank you,it helps a great deal that it simply just feels right and it's my choice to stay,not an obligation.

Liz, sometimes I want to shake people who ask me why I don't force him into a doctors office. The last time I got stressed out and worried over his health before this, I coerced him to go, he did what alcoholics do (lied, got angry when the doc suspected his problems were due to alcohol abuse, and left without going to the lab for a workup). It's a rough road to walk and I just do my best to learn from my mistakes, and accept that he is who he is.

Code and hopeful, thank you. Yes and I am not ashamed to say I crossed my eyes and shook my head after he left (it's become sort of my silly way to let it go), knowing that this once intelligent human being who wasn't riddled with alcohol would have very quickly made the connection between alcohol abuse and stomach problems.

hopeful4

I completely agree. We cry, beg, do all sorts of things to get those we care about to the doctor. It seems like the addict then goes in and lies like a dirty dog. It's the same as rehab, unless they are ready and willing to help themselves, I would say why should you torture yourself.

That may sound harsh to many, but I have found it to be very true.

XXX Continue crossing those eyes and keep taking care of YOU!!!!

lizatola

I think you guys misread this: my husband is taking the laxatives. My son won't take anything more than a tylenol and he uses acupuncture and essential oils and natural treatments for many of his LD's and Tourette's symptoms. He won't even take cold medicine and I have to beg him to sometimes take meds that I know will be helpful.

My husband (AH) was put on Paxil 3 years ago and I remember he was constipated when he first was put on the pills so I don't know if this is something as a symptom from that or if he's trying his hand at losing the 30 pounds he put on in the past few years. All that being said, it ties back to Hikerlady's original post: staying on our own side of the street can bring us to serenity because we truly can't control what our As do or don't do, whether it's related to drinking or their health, etc. I already know that I'd get the same response as Hikerlady which is sad but it's the reality of living with the disease of alcoholism.

NYCDoglvr

Your post lifted my spirits ... I see a brave person struggling with each day and it's an inspiration to me to keep on keeping on. A very big hug.