Heeelppp!
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Clifton Park
Posts: 31
Heeelppp!
HELP! I am ******* going in the wrong direction! I haven't posted much on this site but feel the need to reach out. My heroin addiction is ******* relentless! In the last 8 months, I've completed 2 30-day rehabs and several detox. I just got out of detox a week ago and have slipped twice. I've been taking subs too but they just don't seem to kill my cravings anymore. I'm obsessed. This **** is taking up all of my waking thoughts. My wonderful girlfriend of 5 years is done with me....and spending time with my daughter helps only slightly. Robin Williams death is on my mind a lot as well as Phillip Seymore Hoffman's as well. I don't want to go to my NA meetings, or my IOP. I have never felt so hopeless and defeated as I have now. And the crazy thing is every conscience bone in my body wants to be clean....yet all I want is another line of that delicious heroin.
I have Complex PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, AND addiction..(I was raped and beaten by my stepfather from the ages of 6-12) I have suicidal thoughts all the time. I've never tried to kill myself and don't think I ever will, but the pain I go through is so hard to bear that being dead seems like a positive thing.....that's ****** up. I could never leave my 9 year old daughter without a Dad. I'm her everything...she's a Daddy's girl for sure. Yet, If I continue down this road, I could die from my addiction. I'm so done. I just want to run away to like Alaska or something.
Sorry for the bitchfest. I know this is a good forum and I'm really just looking for support. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who can't "get" this. I've never had a 60 day key tag/chip. Ugh.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i reallyl feel for you Rdphish! i don't have much to offer by way of experience except as a fellow recovering addict. for me it was crack. gawd. recovery IS possible and you CAN get it. in fact, you might just be about 5 minutes ahead of the miracle.
are you seeing a therapist or counselor, someone skilled and schooled at helping you deal with your past and present? you have a lot to sort out and work thru so you can get to a place of peace. NA meetings can only go so far...and can't "fix" everything.
i'm so glad you posted here - that you reached out and told on yourself. addiction is a tri-fold illness - physical, mental and spiritual. right now you still have your drug of choice on a pedastal - which means it has power OVER you, a power greater. in reality it's a lousy nasty drug that will see you end your days long before your time. it isn't helping one single thing. in fact it's the cause of many of your troubles today!!
your daughter sounds precious. she loves you like no other. hold on to that. embrace that you are THAT loveable and deserving of love. and then make it your life's passion to love her back and BE the best dad ever. clean healthy whole and happy. blessings on you.
are you seeing a therapist or counselor, someone skilled and schooled at helping you deal with your past and present? you have a lot to sort out and work thru so you can get to a place of peace. NA meetings can only go so far...and can't "fix" everything.
i'm so glad you posted here - that you reached out and told on yourself. addiction is a tri-fold illness - physical, mental and spiritual. right now you still have your drug of choice on a pedastal - which means it has power OVER you, a power greater. in reality it's a lousy nasty drug that will see you end your days long before your time. it isn't helping one single thing. in fact it's the cause of many of your troubles today!!
your daughter sounds precious. she loves you like no other. hold on to that. embrace that you are THAT loveable and deserving of love. and then make it your life's passion to love her back and BE the best dad ever. clean healthy whole and happy. blessings on you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,566
Hey rdphish 
I felt like IO was the only one who couldn't get this either, but I kept trying, kept widening the circle on things I was prepared to do to stop, with the help of a good counsellor I started facing things I used to drink and drug to forget....and eventually I reached 'escape velocity'
How much support do you have? are you seeing a therapist or counsellor?
D
I felt like IO was the only one who couldn't get this either, but I kept trying, kept widening the circle on things I was prepared to do to stop, with the help of a good counsellor I started facing things I used to drink and drug to forget....and eventually I reached 'escape velocity'
How much support do you have? are you seeing a therapist or counsellor?
D
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Clifton Park
Posts: 31
I've been in and out of Therapy for many years. I need to call my therapist and schedule and appointment. She's the best one Ive ever found....the only problem is she isn't schooled on addiction. She specialized in adult male survivors of sexual abuse. When I relapse (which is all the freakin time) we can't have sessions because you can't do therapy under the influence.
I normally have some sort of a spark....some motivation that keeps me going and fighting. But lately it has left me. I'm feeling sorry for myself, utterly hopeless, and just want to use. It sucks. I feel like I'm missing something. Like a final piece of a puzzle that'll keep me motivated and determined to not pick up NO MATTER WHAT.
I normally have some sort of a spark....some motivation that keeps me going and fighting. But lately it has left me. I'm feeling sorry for myself, utterly hopeless, and just want to use. It sucks. I feel like I'm missing something. Like a final piece of a puzzle that'll keep me motivated and determined to not pick up NO MATTER WHAT.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
