HELP! I am ******* going in the wrong direction! I haven't posted much on this site but feel the need to reach out. My heroin addiction is ******* relentless! In the last 8 months, I've completed 2 30-day rehabs and several detox. I just got out of detox a week ago and have slipped twice. I've been taking subs too but they just don't seem to kill my cravings anymore. I'm obsessed. This **** is taking up all of my waking thoughts. My wonderful girlfriend of 5 years is done with me....and spending time with my daughter helps only slightly. Robin Williams death is on my mind a lot as well as Phillip Seymore Hoffman's as well. I don't want to go to my NA meetings, or my IOP. I have never felt so hopeless and defeated as I have now. And the crazy thing is every conscience bone in my body wants to be clean....yet all I want is another line of that delicious heroin.
I have Complex PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, AND addiction..(I was raped and beaten by my stepfather from the ages of 6-12) I have suicidal thoughts all the time. I've never tried to kill myself and don't think I ever will, but the pain I go through is so hard to bear that being dead seems like a positive thing.....that's ****** up. I could never leave my 9 year old daughter without a Dad. I'm her everything...she's a Daddy's girl for sure. Yet, If I continue down this road, I could die from my addiction. I'm so done. I just want to run away to like Alaska or something.
Sorry for the bitchfest. I know this is a good forum and I'm really just looking for support. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who can't "get" this. I've never had a 60 day key tag/chip. Ugh.
