cherra

I considered continuing the thread Dangerous, but this is really more about our Daughter. If you want to read more about what she has been through, please read the Dangerous Thread.

She is so angry. She doesn't want anything to do with Alanon, or learning about alcoholism. She says he picked alcohol over her and she's done with him. She wants to completely cut him out of her life.

As I've said, she get's panic attacks if she thinks she is going to see him and a racing heart if he so much as texts her. He is leaving her alone now. Get this - his feeling are hurt because she yelled, cursed him, and called him names last time they talked! Who does that sound like?

Should I let her deal with this in her own way or should I keep trying to educate her? Thanks!

Live

Panic attacks can be terrifying, maybe you can get her to see a therapist to help her overcome those, that would have nothing to do with learning about or accomodating her dad's addiction, it would be for her alone.

amy55

Hi cherra,

I don't know the answer to all of this. I wanted to let you know what I experienced. My children wanted me to leave my ex. They were afraid for me. One told me that he wanted me to get away before he went to college. The other, when she picked me up from the hospital after he hit me, told me that she wished that I had left years ago.

I think sometimes they just get so angry at us for wanting to continue in these kinds of relationships, they may also turn on us, because to them it seems like they need to take care of us, instead of living their own lives.

There are a lot of misconceptions about alateen, and alanon. A lot of people take it as trying to be able to live with the alcoholic in their lives.

She may be thinking this. She was in the house when he fired the gun.

She has seen a lot, and heard a lot. Sometimes she may just need some time to process things so that she can be ok in her own head.

I do think the worse thing ever for her right now would be to go back.

((((((hugs))))))

PS --- I think for now she just needs to know that she is safe. I think to hold off on the other things for awhile, because she may feel she is doing this to go back to the same situation

PurpleKnight

When my parents divorced due to my dad being an alcoholic myself and my sister went about things in different ways in order to deal with the situation.

I attended Al-anon and Alateen, I found them very supportive, and just to be amongst others who got what it was all about was very helpful.

My sister on the other hand, who was older than myself, didn't want anything to do with support or talking about the situation, she hung out with her teenage friends and got on with her life, the best I can describe it is almost ignoring the fact anything was going on, she bottled it all up and didn't acknowledge our parents had just got divorced, this caused a certain hate/resentment of my dad!!

Fast forward 15 years and both of us have our own lives, she never spoke to my dad again, who is since deceased, whereas I tried to forge a relationship with him years later, but we both got on with our lives and turned out relatively normal, she's now married with her own kids!!

So everyone I think needs to deal with things in their own way, their's no one size fits all solution, being 20yrs old there's plenty of things going on in your daughter's life, so give her time and space, she'll come through it!!

cherra

Thanks for the input! It's especially good to hear from those who have been through it. She has seen a counselor about the panic attacks before and has had them under control until this happened. She doesn't even want to go see the counselor. She moves into her apartment at college next month. She's afraid I'll go back to him. I can't promise her what I will do. I just know that until she's settled in school I won't even entertain the thought of going back.

redatlanta

Cherra - what are you trying to educate her about?

Hammer

So she is around 18?

About time she gets to fly on her own.

When she gets some distance, she will feel safer, at least at the distance.

The school will likely have some sort of counselling available.

I tend to be devout Alanon -- but understand that most folks are not. Some choose a whole different path, like Rational Recovery, for example. In that model, they just cut the A out of their life, and are done with them.

Different Strokes for Different Folks.

hopeful4

Hi Cherra. I have a DD who is 14 and I understand this to an extent.

I would say she is likely suffering some PTSD. I would get her into therapy right away. I would let her know you support her no matter what, she needs you, much more than he does. His being mad at her just shows who he is. I hope you support her every single step of the way, she has been through a lot more than she should at this age.

Good luck and God Bless.

cherra

I guess the things that I've learned on this site. How alcohol changes the brain. How getting sober won't solve his problems – it's just a part of the problems. How how getting sober is so hard. How others have learned to let go of the anger. She's so angry she won't even let me take responsibility for keeping her in a home like that for so long.

cherra

I think you're right about feeling safer at the distance, however, I know she's going to worry about me. She's already said so. She's 20 and going into her 3rd year of college. Last year she was in a dorm but she's moving into an off campus apartment with her roommate in a few weeks. I'm not sure how to take the comment about flying on her own. I don't think kids turn 18 and are automatically ready to fly. I've already stated that she has seen a counselor in the past for panic attacks. I also know from last year in the dorm and away from home that being away doesn't automatically end the anxiety. I'm trying to get her back in to her counselor but she just wants him to leave her alone and she thinks she'll be fine.

hopeful4

My dear, your daughter is very perceptive. She won't let you take responsibility because she sees who is truly the problem, your husband. It's not you that was waiving a gun around your house wasted, it was him.

He risked her life, it is not something she is willing to brush under the rug. It's not as though he is saying he is sorry to her or owning what HE has done wrong. He is still being mad, trying to minimize things, and basically trying to manipulate both of you, she is showing she won't tolerate his behavior. Likely if you did the same he would do the very same thing to you.

Getting sober is hard, it's his responsibility to do so if that's what he wants in life. She is angry because she refuses to tolerate his behavior, drunk or sober. I hear a lot of sympathy from you for him, what about sympathy for your daughter and her feelings? She has not only been abandoned by her father, she now feels she has to protect herself from him. That is a huge thing for a daughter. I understand, I have went through this to an extent.

I hope you remain to be there for her she really,really needs you right now, supporting her, not trying to change her mind.

biminiblue

As a child of super dysfunctional parents, I know at 20 I was ready to be done, too.

I pulled away in a big way - found my own "family" of friends. That didn't work out so well for me either, as I chose friends who were like my family. Gravitating to the comfortable and all that. However, I don't think it would have been any better if I had stuck it out spending a lot of time with my family either.

She's got to go her own way and if she is that angry at him, I'm sure she has good reasons. If you move back to him, you take the chance of losing her as well. As an adult I got to choose what I would take from my family, and in my case it meant almost total detachment for many years. I had to learn the lessons for myself. At 20 I was done listening to my mother.

theuncertainty

As gently as possible: maybe this is what she needs at this time. You're right, not every 18yo knows how to deal with life, and not every 20yo does either, but sometimes they need to try it on their own.

If I'm remembering correctly, the 3rd year of college is generally when most of the general classes are done and you start really digging into your major fields of study. Not having to deal with an AF on a regular basis would give her the time and energy she'll need to focus on her education. You've said she's done counseling, so she knows that is an option if she starts feeling she needs help. Can you trust her to let you know when she needs support?

amy55

I'm going to look at your daughters perspective on this. I don't know your daughter, so I can be wrong, I am looking at this with accumulated knowledge of what I went through, what my children went through and the things that they have said to me.

She went to therapy. Perhaps she even learned boundaries, and when her boundaries are crossed she knows it. She might be angry because her boundaries were crossed. "I will not live in a house where someone might shoot me". "I will not talk to a person who might endanger my life again".

She is going back to college, and she knows she can't protect you, but she knows that she will worry. (This is actually things my son said to me). How is she supposed to concentrate on her studies, while she is worrying about you? (My son lost his full scholarship). What happens on weekends or semester breaks when she wants to go home, but you are back with him? Where does she go, does she just stay at school?

She might also be thinking things like, why go to Alanon, or Alateen? Is this so that she can forgive him, and be OK with him being in the same house?

She told you that she is done with him, and wants him out of her life.

She may be feeling that the incident that night is being minimized, and she may be feeling unvalidated. She was there, she saw it, and she heard it.

Sorry for the straight talk

Bullfrog

The best way to help her recover is to focus on your own recovery and issues.

suki44883

She's an adult and is entitled to have her own feelings and deal with those feelings in her own way. This is not your problem. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but it's the truth.

My own daughter decided to cut her father out of her life when she was 18 years old. She had her last name legally changed to my maiden name and hasn't spoken to or seen her father in over 5 years. This was totally her decision and I told her if she wanted to change her last name, that was her business and her right, but that I would not pay for that to happen. She paid for it herself.

While you have been going through your own miseries with her dad, she has been going through her own. If she decides, at this time, to cut him out of her life, then she has that right. No one knows what will happen in the future. Perhaps they'll find a relationship on down the road, but it's her issue to deal with.

cherra

I have managed to keep my mouth shut about her Dad to her for two days now! Tonight, I had to talk to him about some financial stuff. I went outside to talk to him. It was a non confrontational short conversation and I told her as little as possible about it but it triggered her anger anyway. He has not made any attempt to contact her since the night she called him and he placed the blame on me for "pushing his buttons til he got drunk". He still won't admit or take responsibility for what he did. And yes you are correct. She has had to deal with alot in her short life. Even before he was drinking his temper was awful. It didn't surface often and he never hit either her or me but we still were afraid of the rage, yelling, cursing. Yesterday I was missing him but tonight I don't want anything to do with a man that would not move Heaven and Earth to make things right with his baby girl. He's making this easier and easier.

amy55

Cherra, I know what you are talking about when you say that he had an awful temper. I've been there. It seems that both you and your daughter were walking on eggshells around him. It's a horrible place to be.

I had a thought about something that I wanted to share with you. She lives at college, and she was out a lot when she was home, so I think the awful temper may hit her a little different then it hits you. She might have gotten used to some calmness at college, so when he explodes now she is more sensitive to it. Whereas you have been with him without any break and you could be more desensitized. I know that happened to me.

It's the story of the frog and the boiling water.

That was really good that you have stopped talking to her about her Dad. She doesn't want to hear it.

I can also see you getting stronger.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))