Ready to talk about it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Ready to talk about it
Greetings Everyone. I joined this site a little over a week ago when my then-boyfriend and I began to break up. We were together for ten months. Doesn't seem to long from the outside, but we live right next to each other, share outside space and basically spent every day together- calling our two places our loving compound. Being a musician in New Orleans, I thought his heavy drinking was part of the lifestyle here. I am new to the area and was under some misconceptions. The first eight months revealed questions about common goals, such as future financial security, mature decision making, commitment. People kept telling me, "well, he is a musician...that is how they are..." But I have met many musicians now and that isn't necessarily the case...this band of "lost boys" as they have been called are in a class all their own.
He was so loving and declared his feelings for me to everyone. People were constantly telling me how happy he was with me, how much better he seemed, which should have been a red flag. There have been many red flags. His drinking increased about two months ago. We were going to Florida and I was driving. He came home from his gig and he was completely out of control- drunk and excited. In the car, he was overly animated and then he was passed out.
Then things started to change at home. I cooked a meal for him one night, which took several hours and when he got home, he was eating a hot dog. I was so upset with him. He told me not to worry, because my meal would taste better then next day. I met him for a festival he was working in Switzerland. He had arrived several days before me and it was obvious that he had dropped all of his restraint. It was six days of vodka and ranting. It wasn't all bad, but by the time I got home, I was disgusted. We argued and I told him that his alcohol was starting to impact our relationship. I asked him to moderate his drinking and start helping me save for our future. After all, we had already had many talks about moving in together and having a commitment ceremony. He said he had to think about whether he wanted to take our relationship to the next level...this was so shocking to me, because he had pursued me for months- begged me to give him a chance- and had been so committed. Looking back, in the past few months, he had already stopped working at the relationship. He quit cooking for us, (I was making all the meals), stopped helping me by walking the dog, taking out my trash, just doing the little things that he had done on his own before. I could see resentment in his eyes.
When we broke up officially, he told me that he liked his life just as it was. That he wasn't willing to change anything and had believed that I was the person that could live day by day with him without having to worry so much about a future. He rents his place and sometimes will have to put off paying a bill but always seems to have money to buy rounds of drinks for his friends. On my birthday we talked and I could see this incredible hate in his empty eyes. He snuck drinks when my back was turned, began to come around to some sentiment of compassion and told me we would talk more after work the next day. He didn't come home. I understand that it is over. It is very difficult because he is such an incredibly talented, intelligent and amazing person...but just like that (snap) he is someone else. He has friends that he has been running to and staying with that tell him there is nothing wrong and that I am being ridiculous. Telling him that he doesn't really love me and that it has only been ten months. Saddest part is that I am talking about a 44 year old man. I live right next to him and moving is not an option. Any advice to help a broken hearted lady?
He was so loving and declared his feelings for me to everyone. People were constantly telling me how happy he was with me, how much better he seemed, which should have been a red flag. There have been many red flags. His drinking increased about two months ago. We were going to Florida and I was driving. He came home from his gig and he was completely out of control- drunk and excited. In the car, he was overly animated and then he was passed out.
Then things started to change at home. I cooked a meal for him one night, which took several hours and when he got home, he was eating a hot dog. I was so upset with him. He told me not to worry, because my meal would taste better then next day. I met him for a festival he was working in Switzerland. He had arrived several days before me and it was obvious that he had dropped all of his restraint. It was six days of vodka and ranting. It wasn't all bad, but by the time I got home, I was disgusted. We argued and I told him that his alcohol was starting to impact our relationship. I asked him to moderate his drinking and start helping me save for our future. After all, we had already had many talks about moving in together and having a commitment ceremony. He said he had to think about whether he wanted to take our relationship to the next level...this was so shocking to me, because he had pursued me for months- begged me to give him a chance- and had been so committed. Looking back, in the past few months, he had already stopped working at the relationship. He quit cooking for us, (I was making all the meals), stopped helping me by walking the dog, taking out my trash, just doing the little things that he had done on his own before. I could see resentment in his eyes.
When we broke up officially, he told me that he liked his life just as it was. That he wasn't willing to change anything and had believed that I was the person that could live day by day with him without having to worry so much about a future. He rents his place and sometimes will have to put off paying a bill but always seems to have money to buy rounds of drinks for his friends. On my birthday we talked and I could see this incredible hate in his empty eyes. He snuck drinks when my back was turned, began to come around to some sentiment of compassion and told me we would talk more after work the next day. He didn't come home. I understand that it is over. It is very difficult because he is such an incredibly talented, intelligent and amazing person...but just like that (snap) he is someone else. He has friends that he has been running to and staying with that tell him there is nothing wrong and that I am being ridiculous. Telling him that he doesn't really love me and that it has only been ten months. Saddest part is that I am talking about a 44 year old man. I live right next to him and moving is not an option. Any advice to help a broken hearted lady?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
I am in the same boat... also a musician... also in our 40s... and his change was rapid as well. All I can do at the moment is take it one moment at a time.... just in five minute spans at times when it is super tough. I think that for band members, it is also tough as they are in that environment, around other that go there to drink. Mine went 1 1/2 years not drinking but he retreated into his drinking. I come here a lot. This is my safe zone... seeing I am not alone. Each situation is different. I feel like I understand your situation a lot as about the same age... and a musician.... but... I see things in each story in which I can relate to.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
You sound like you have your head together (100% on the retrospective red flags), and my advice is to be relieved that you hadn't moved in together or gotten even farther than that before he showed you who he is. Read some of the posts on here from trapped and truly desperate married people...you just won the lottery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
WendyOR- It is a sad thing, the musician world- especially here in New Orleans. I realized that it would be very difficult for him to attempt AA, since all of his friends are also band leaders and they all play together...his livelihood is wrapped up into it. That being said, excuses are just that. He said he knows he is an alcoholic and loves his life just as it is... wish that was clearer earlier on.
heartbrokenK- I have looked up some meetings and I do plan to go this week. It is like two separate people... I see now though that he truly is choosing the drinking face ;(
Santa- I do appreciate that it was made clear to me before we took the next step. I am also the adult child of an alcoholic, so the signs did inevitably freak me out- especially the switch from Scotch to Vodka...and vodka and more vodka
heartbrokenK- I have looked up some meetings and I do plan to go this week. It is like two separate people... I see now though that he truly is choosing the drinking face ;(
Santa- I do appreciate that it was made clear to me before we took the next step. I am also the adult child of an alcoholic, so the signs did inevitably freak me out- especially the switch from Scotch to Vodka...and vodka and more vodka
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome AllieClaire!
I read your post and when you wrote he was 44, I thought - really!? It doesn't matter in a sense, he is choosing A over you. An aging decision for sure.
Doesn't fix your broken heart though. I'd go away on a girls weekend and rant & laugh about men. Can u move? I would imagine he'll drag a chit home to rub your nose in the break up?
You are adult child of an A? Have you worked on this at all? You saw all these red flags and kept talking commitment? Hey, not that I wouldn't do the same thing! I'd see them as a challenge.
I read your post and when you wrote he was 44, I thought - really!? It doesn't matter in a sense, he is choosing A over you. An aging decision for sure.
Doesn't fix your broken heart though. I'd go away on a girls weekend and rant & laugh about men. Can u move? I would imagine he'll drag a chit home to rub your nose in the break up?
You are adult child of an A? Have you worked on this at all? You saw all these red flags and kept talking commitment? Hey, not that I wouldn't do the same thing! I'd see them as a challenge.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
CodeJob,
It has been a long time since I have addressed the mom situation. This has brought it to a head. Those are pretty nasty memories that I thought I had processed years ago...Al Anon, here I come. As for moving, that isn't very likely due to limited options. Also, my lease isn't up until September...one of those choices that I have to live with.
It has been a long time since I have addressed the mom situation. This has brought it to a head. Those are pretty nasty memories that I thought I had processed years ago...Al Anon, here I come. As for moving, that isn't very likely due to limited options. Also, my lease isn't up until September...one of those choices that I have to live with.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Welcome, Allie! There are some strong similarities in our stories. I fell hard and fast for a man in his late 40s who pursued me hard for many months. I finally gave in, having no idea he was an alcoholic and pot addict. I was clueless about the addictions for a long time. The first time we broke up, he ended it out of the blue, telling me he wasn't good enough for me and that he could never be the man I needed him to be. I was devastated. He came back later, professing a commitment to sobriety, and I tried it with him again. We danced the alcoholic-codependent dance for over 5 years, making up and breaking up, until I finally learned to accept that no matter how much love we had for each other, he loved his addictions more than he loved our relationship.
I'm sorry you share outside space with him. That will be very, very hard. My xabf lived less than a block away, and for a few months after a break-up, I watched another woman come and go from there. It nearly killed me. I didn't want to see it, but had no way to avoid traffic patterns with them.
You sound like your head has a good grasp of your reality. How is your heart? How is your support network? I hope you have good friends to spend time with, places to go, people to see. If you are serious about remaining separated from him, my best advice is not allow yourself to have any contact with him. Period. Because if he follows typical alcoholic behavior, there will be a point where he will contact you again. He will want to know if you're still in anyway feeling anything for him. The alcoholic ego typically needs that, and especially if he is the charming entertainer type. If he sees that you are not giving him attention, he will probably come looking for it. Be prepared for that.
This is a good time to focus on yourself, and start asking yourself some questions. Learn why you ignored the red flags in the first place. I was good at that too. I would ignore entire parades of red flags sometimes. Read the stickies at the top of the forum pages if you haven't already. Loads of awesome information and insight there. Keep posting, and welcome to the family. There are good people here who have been exactly where you are!
I'm sorry you share outside space with him. That will be very, very hard. My xabf lived less than a block away, and for a few months after a break-up, I watched another woman come and go from there. It nearly killed me. I didn't want to see it, but had no way to avoid traffic patterns with them.
You sound like your head has a good grasp of your reality. How is your heart? How is your support network? I hope you have good friends to spend time with, places to go, people to see. If you are serious about remaining separated from him, my best advice is not allow yourself to have any contact with him. Period. Because if he follows typical alcoholic behavior, there will be a point where he will contact you again. He will want to know if you're still in anyway feeling anything for him. The alcoholic ego typically needs that, and especially if he is the charming entertainer type. If he sees that you are not giving him attention, he will probably come looking for it. Be prepared for that.
This is a good time to focus on yourself, and start asking yourself some questions. Learn why you ignored the red flags in the first place. I was good at that too. I would ignore entire parades of red flags sometimes. Read the stickies at the top of the forum pages if you haven't already. Loads of awesome information and insight there. Keep posting, and welcome to the family. There are good people here who have been exactly where you are!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
We have a forum "next door" on the subject of Adult Children of Alcoholics. Feel free to browse around and see if you find anything useful.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Mike
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
HealingWillCome,
Thank you so much for your posting. I have a great support network...out of town. Since I moved here last August, the majority of my interactions have been in his circle. I have made a few friends but it is a little lonely. Luckily, I have a bike, a dog, softball and the French Quarter. As for the XAFB, I will do my best to steer clear...I don't want to continue to hurt myself in this relationship.
Thank you Codejob, I am reviewing the resource now.
Thank you so much for your posting. I have a great support network...out of town. Since I moved here last August, the majority of my interactions have been in his circle. I have made a few friends but it is a little lonely. Luckily, I have a bike, a dog, softball and the French Quarter. As for the XAFB, I will do my best to steer clear...I don't want to continue to hurt myself in this relationship.
Thank you Codejob, I am reviewing the resource now.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Those are good things to have around! With a dog and a bike, who knows who you might meet. And the French Quarter sounds pretty great. And if you find yourself needing company, there is always someone here who can keep you preoccupied, or a good thread or two to read.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
