Morning the silent death of addiction
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Morning the silent death of addiction
I called him. I might be hurt and angry but I love him. He answered. We talked about the new word my son learned today. The conversation ended with
" I have to go you are bringing me back to reality and I do not want to be there"
He died - addiction killed the man I knew. Addiction killed my best friend. Accept I can not tell any one. I can not say anything. All I can do is sit in my room and cry knowing he is dead. The man on the phone is not him.
This is of course the sting of all of this - My husband is dead. My son has no father and I am a widower - yet his body keeps on moving and something has consumed him. So I must morn him over and over again. I can never bury him and lay his body to rest - I can never tell the world all that I loved about him before - visit his headstone and talk to the man I knew and loved for so long before this disease took him from me. The grief is unbearable.
It would be easier if he had physically died to. I thought I understood the reality of this disease. Until this moment I never realised the complete and utter destruction it was going to have on me. No amount of work I could do for myself was going to prevent this pain. I was always going to lose him. He was already dying when I married him. I think I still might hold a funeral for him - maybe a private one so I can always remember the man he was.
This is truly the worst pain I have ever felt - I almost think I liked it better when I was in denial. The pain I felt then was nothing compared to the complete understanding that there is no hope for him - he is dead.
" I have to go you are bringing me back to reality and I do not want to be there"
He died - addiction killed the man I knew. Addiction killed my best friend. Accept I can not tell any one. I can not say anything. All I can do is sit in my room and cry knowing he is dead. The man on the phone is not him.
This is of course the sting of all of this - My husband is dead. My son has no father and I am a widower - yet his body keeps on moving and something has consumed him. So I must morn him over and over again. I can never bury him and lay his body to rest - I can never tell the world all that I loved about him before - visit his headstone and talk to the man I knew and loved for so long before this disease took him from me. The grief is unbearable.
It would be easier if he had physically died to. I thought I understood the reality of this disease. Until this moment I never realised the complete and utter destruction it was going to have on me. No amount of work I could do for myself was going to prevent this pain. I was always going to lose him. He was already dying when I married him. I think I still might hold a funeral for him - maybe a private one so I can always remember the man he was.
This is truly the worst pain I have ever felt - I almost think I liked it better when I was in denial. The pain I felt then was nothing compared to the complete understanding that there is no hope for him - he is dead.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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fbw, what a moving post. My heart goes out to you and I understand completely the grief you are experiencing. All I can say is keep moving, even though every step forward feels like lead. You will recover your joy in life, but it takes time.
One day all the little positive actions will add up, and you'll realise how far you've come.
One day all the little positive actions will add up, and you'll realise how far you've come.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I am so so sorry that your husband's choices and his alcoholism have resulted in such deep grief and loss for you and your child.
My heart and prayers are with you. Thank you for saying what many of us have felt in such an eloquent way.
ShootingStar1
My heart and prayers are with you. Thank you for saying what many of us have felt in such an eloquent way.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Im so sorry. I understand what your saying, life would be easier if they were gone. When you are buried in denial you are in a holding pattern of misery. When you come out its true grief. With grief you willmove through stages. While they hurt, they will eventually come to a conclusion. Denial just produces more denial. Tight hugs. We are here with you.
I will pray for all involved.
XXX
I will pray for all involved.
XXX
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I completely understand. It is so diffucult to mourn someone who is still alive and you have to interact with regularly for your childrens sake. I have to see separated AH almost daily for exchange of DD6 and some days I love him when I see his handsome face is the same I fell in love with and sometimes I cannot even look at him and sometimes I just cry when he leaves. Sometimes I hate him so much and just slam the door when he leaves! It comes in waves.... It is so painful...be gentle with yourself. Take it day by day. You can do this.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
fbw, I'm so sorry you are suffering. You're right, in a way it would be easier if he passed away.
I'd guess nearly every single person who reads or writes on this forum is now mourning or used to mourn a living person because of alcoholism. You can tell us here everything you loved about him before he got lost in this disease, if you'd like to.
Blessings to you, dear. I know it sounds trite but time heals. It'll get better, I promise you.
I'd guess nearly every single person who reads or writes on this forum is now mourning or used to mourn a living person because of alcoholism. You can tell us here everything you loved about him before he got lost in this disease, if you'd like to.
Blessings to you, dear. I know it sounds trite but time heals. It'll get better, I promise you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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I've felt your words a thousand times over.
Sometimes I feel like that sad old woman who won't let anyone into her house to collect the body. When I see him I could swear he's transparent.
But I am getting better. The less I keep his secrets the more I exercise his ghost.
(((((((( hugs )))))))))
Sometimes I feel like that sad old woman who won't let anyone into her house to collect the body. When I see him I could swear he's transparent.
But I am getting better. The less I keep his secrets the more I exercise his ghost.
(((((((( hugs )))))))))
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
You post truly touched me. Bought tears to my eyes. That's exactly how I feel. The man I fell in love with is gone and only his body remains. Alcoholism is insidious. Gone is the living romantic man I married replaced with a someone I do not recognise. The verbal abuse I put up with was terrible ... I couldn't take it no more so I gave him a choice... Me and the kids or the booze. He chose booze and ran off with an alcoholic woman who he remains with 1 year later. It's still hard but I have strict no contact with my ex. That makes it easier. It's just so hard even 1 year later but the pain is less and less. Each step I take is a baby step but it's in the right direction in the opposite way he walks towards a better life. I have heard my ex is now drinking in the morning something he never did. Alcoholism gets worse and destroys all. Just keep moving forward as that is all you can do..
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Originally Posted by SeriousKarma 
The less I keep his secrets the more I exercise his ghost.
exorcise: attempt to drive out an evil spirit
Ok...... Maybe I made a stupid spelling error, or MAYbe I meant a ghost on a treadmill. Either way, both meanings work.
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Location: Sydney Australia
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Fbw, I've been right where you are.
The only thing that gave me any closure is to journal some of the thoughts and conversations I knew I'd never have with him, like my psychologist recommended.
It didn't feel like it at first, but it did help. There is a loss, and deep mourning when any relationship fails, but to see a loved one wither into a sad shadow of themselves is heartbreaking.
Wishing you peace in some way in the near future. Big hugs.xx
The only thing that gave me any closure is to journal some of the thoughts and conversations I knew I'd never have with him, like my psychologist recommended.
It didn't feel like it at first, but it did help. There is a loss, and deep mourning when any relationship fails, but to see a loved one wither into a sad shadow of themselves is heartbreaking.
Wishing you peace in some way in the near future. Big hugs.xx
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Great post fbw,
I sometimes feel this way about my STBXAH. The alcohol has robbed him and all of us of himself. Sometimes very briefly I catch a glimpse of the man he used to be and I get sad. It is sad for me and the kids. I understand the constant mourning. In those gilmpses, there is so much hope, so much potential.
I have learned for me I have to let go. I have to accept the reality of who he is today and not who he was. He will never be that man again. It is like you said, the death of the person he used to be.
I sometimes feel this way about my STBXAH. The alcohol has robbed him and all of us of himself. Sometimes very briefly I catch a glimpse of the man he used to be and I get sad. It is sad for me and the kids. I understand the constant mourning. In those gilmpses, there is so much hope, so much potential.
I have learned for me I have to let go. I have to accept the reality of who he is today and not who he was. He will never be that man again. It is like you said, the death of the person he used to be.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
When we met – we were just kids – I was 19 wide eyed and in the city for the first time. You grew up in the city.
You taught me how to find north, where the best sushi places were, took me to the festival of lights were I got very uncomfortable because there were *gasp* topless people. *You told me where to get the best spot for the fireworks *when to show up – and then held my hand in a chain as we made our way off the beach. I had never seen that many people before.
You were the coolest person I had ever met. Just the right amount of rebel mixed with sweetness and intelligence.
Long chats about how fun it would be to make dinner together. So innocent and sweet we both were. *You wrote me a program and named it Justin.
When you decided to start doing drugs *- we fought. I told you about my dad, my uncle who was an addict. Every one claimed it was not addictive. We fought some more. I put rules around my social outings ” No drugs” You still came.
I believed at the time you respected me.
You lent me your bike when it was stolen I sold my horse to pay you for it.
I cried for you when I saw you after the final year of University. *I knew then you were dying.
Those where my innocent years – *the passage into another time is marked by a night spent in the safety of your living room.
Our friendship ebbed and flowed after that. You were there through it all though every important memory in my life had you there. And then you were gone – that was a dark period for me.
The reconnection was so sweet. *I remember every kiss, every touch, what it felt like to feel safe in your arms. *Operation 4 play was born – we were going to save each other.
You taught me how to love again. You taught me how to climb, You taught me how to race through the streets of San Francisco on a bicycle and later on a motorcycle. You taught me patients, how to be faithful and you gave me the greatest gift of all – our Son Justin. *In him I always have a piece of you. *You saved me – or you helped me save myself. I could not save you.
Your disease was taking you slowly from me during all of this – for a long time I thought I could save you from it. I fought hard. I manipulated, I lied, I bargained, I begged, I pleaded, I shamed you, I hid anything from you I thought would make it worse …. and then one day none of that was working so I stopped.
I slowly day by day began to accept you were sick – day by day I worked to get my integrity back and to just love you. Your illness progressed. Our hopes and dreams dwindled. I do not think I ever thought you would actually die. I think I always believed some magic formula was going to save you from yourself. *Deep down I still thought maybe I had failed you.
There were periods where you looked like you might make it. The summer the bear ate our tent – it was the summer you went for a walk and you said No when offered the thing that was killing you. *We climbed the apron, we climbed sky Walker. We fell in love all over again in the woods of Squamish.
Nothing that went wrong on that trip was anything more than a speed bump. Life was good. *And then it as it always does came crashing to a hault. It would never be that good again. Glimpses and hopes of it would arise. I still had not learned then that I could not change you – my efforts to bully you into saving you and to hide things from you that might make it worse almost killed any chance of the later good times happening.
Our son was born – I thought he would save you. He did not.
In the end you died – the blow that would kill you would be dealt on July 10, 2014. By July 13th you would be dead.
I will always love you. I will cherish every memory I have with you. The pain of this loss great and there is a gaping hole in my heart where you resided for so long.
RIP my love.
Here is my eulogy written through s veil of tears
You taught me how to find north, where the best sushi places were, took me to the festival of lights were I got very uncomfortable because there were *gasp* topless people. *You told me where to get the best spot for the fireworks *when to show up – and then held my hand in a chain as we made our way off the beach. I had never seen that many people before.
You were the coolest person I had ever met. Just the right amount of rebel mixed with sweetness and intelligence.
Long chats about how fun it would be to make dinner together. So innocent and sweet we both were. *You wrote me a program and named it Justin.
When you decided to start doing drugs *- we fought. I told you about my dad, my uncle who was an addict. Every one claimed it was not addictive. We fought some more. I put rules around my social outings ” No drugs” You still came.
I believed at the time you respected me.
You lent me your bike when it was stolen I sold my horse to pay you for it.
I cried for you when I saw you after the final year of University. *I knew then you were dying.
Those where my innocent years – *the passage into another time is marked by a night spent in the safety of your living room.
Our friendship ebbed and flowed after that. You were there through it all though every important memory in my life had you there. And then you were gone – that was a dark period for me.
The reconnection was so sweet. *I remember every kiss, every touch, what it felt like to feel safe in your arms. *Operation 4 play was born – we were going to save each other.
You taught me how to love again. You taught me how to climb, You taught me how to race through the streets of San Francisco on a bicycle and later on a motorcycle. You taught me patients, how to be faithful and you gave me the greatest gift of all – our Son Justin. *In him I always have a piece of you. *You saved me – or you helped me save myself. I could not save you.
Your disease was taking you slowly from me during all of this – for a long time I thought I could save you from it. I fought hard. I manipulated, I lied, I bargained, I begged, I pleaded, I shamed you, I hid anything from you I thought would make it worse …. and then one day none of that was working so I stopped.
I slowly day by day began to accept you were sick – day by day I worked to get my integrity back and to just love you. Your illness progressed. Our hopes and dreams dwindled. I do not think I ever thought you would actually die. I think I always believed some magic formula was going to save you from yourself. *Deep down I still thought maybe I had failed you.
There were periods where you looked like you might make it. The summer the bear ate our tent – it was the summer you went for a walk and you said No when offered the thing that was killing you. *We climbed the apron, we climbed sky Walker. We fell in love all over again in the woods of Squamish.
Nothing that went wrong on that trip was anything more than a speed bump. Life was good. *And then it as it always does came crashing to a hault. It would never be that good again. Glimpses and hopes of it would arise. I still had not learned then that I could not change you – my efforts to bully you into saving you and to hide things from you that might make it worse almost killed any chance of the later good times happening.
Our son was born – I thought he would save you. He did not.
In the end you died – the blow that would kill you would be dealt on July 10, 2014. By July 13th you would be dead.
I will always love you. I will cherish every memory I have with you. The pain of this loss great and there is a gaping hole in my heart where you resided for so long.
RIP my love.
Here is my eulogy written through s veil of tears
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
San Francisco is my hometown.
I fell in love on those same streets. It was there that the first inklings of realization came lurking around my subconscious, and it was there that denial grabbed a firm hold of my reality. I can viscerally feel your pain. It hurts so f*cking bad, but you're not alone.
We're going to get through this.
I fell in love on those same streets. It was there that the first inklings of realization came lurking around my subconscious, and it was there that denial grabbed a firm hold of my reality. I can viscerally feel your pain. It hurts so f*cking bad, but you're not alone.
We're going to get through this.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 38
I am soooo sorry for your loss. I felt all of your pain, sorrow, hurt, and loss as I read your story. I cry for you and your son's loss. I hope one day you find peace in your heart. Hugggggggggggg. I am really sorry you are hurting so much. 
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by fbw
Your disease was taking you slowly from me during all of this – for a long time I thought I could save you from it. I fought hard. I manipulated, I lied, I bargained, I begged, I pleaded, I shamed you, I hid anything from you I thought would make it worse …. and then one day none of that was working so I stopped.
I slowly day by day began to accept you were sick – day by day I worked to get my integrity back and to just love you. Your illness progressed. Our hopes and dreams dwindled. I do not think I ever thought you would actually die. I think I always believed some magic formula was going to save you from yourself. *Deep down I still thought maybe I had failed you.
I slowly day by day began to accept you were sick – day by day I worked to get my integrity back and to just love you. Your illness progressed. Our hopes and dreams dwindled. I do not think I ever thought you would actually die. I think I always believed some magic formula was going to save you from yourself. *Deep down I still thought maybe I had failed you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
fbw that is very, very beautiful and so heartbreaking. "You taught me how to find north" - l had to laugh through the sadness at that. I have no sense of direction and would love to know how to find north.
You're quite a writer.
I'm so very sorry for your loss of that awesome guy. It just sucks.
You're quite a writer.
I'm so very sorry for your loss of that awesome guy. It just sucks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
The finding north happened in Vancouver BC. The city we met in. His hometown. I was from a tiny town where directions involved " Go to the henderson farm and turn left "
He constantly gave directions using north, south, east or west. The 3 small town kids he took under his wing were always messing it up ( me, my highschool bf and high school bf best friend) The two boys bought compasses. One day confessed to my now AH that I wanted to go home -what use was a place full of concrete you could not find your way around with out a compass. He laughed unaware that his other 2 friends had been caring a compass. He took me into the backyard and pointed to the big mountains that tower over Vancouver BC and said " THAT is north ... now shhhh do not tell them"
When the other two figured it out after enough time we shared a laugh together.
Those early years the 4 of us were inseparable. We are all still friends. I have lots of small stories like that.
There was so much love and compassion and loyalty in that man. When he moved to San Francisco we lost him. I was sent by another friend of ours to save him. " Why do you not date ( no AH ) " this friend asked " I love him but I know he loves something more than people " .......... was my reply. "maybe he just needs the right person" ( and my denial was born - my ego really wanted to be my AH's HP)
I needed saving to. I had become some one I did not recognize, so bitter and angry and unsure of my value in the world. A very short marriage to a man I barely knew had left me thinking my only value was sex and maybe that could be marketed.
When my AH and I found ourselves together both shells of the people we used to be - life came back for both of us. We came up with a great plan to deal with our admitted problems. We would be each others guide. I quit my job - moved to San Francisco to be with him. He supported me and I was to keep him out of trouble. We all know how well that went......
He constantly gave directions using north, south, east or west. The 3 small town kids he took under his wing were always messing it up ( me, my highschool bf and high school bf best friend) The two boys bought compasses. One day confessed to my now AH that I wanted to go home -what use was a place full of concrete you could not find your way around with out a compass. He laughed unaware that his other 2 friends had been caring a compass. He took me into the backyard and pointed to the big mountains that tower over Vancouver BC and said " THAT is north ... now shhhh do not tell them"
When the other two figured it out after enough time we shared a laugh together.
Those early years the 4 of us were inseparable. We are all still friends. I have lots of small stories like that.
There was so much love and compassion and loyalty in that man. When he moved to San Francisco we lost him. I was sent by another friend of ours to save him. " Why do you not date ( no AH ) " this friend asked " I love him but I know he loves something more than people " .......... was my reply. "maybe he just needs the right person" ( and my denial was born - my ego really wanted to be my AH's HP)
I needed saving to. I had become some one I did not recognize, so bitter and angry and unsure of my value in the world. A very short marriage to a man I barely knew had left me thinking my only value was sex and maybe that could be marketed.
When my AH and I found ourselves together both shells of the people we used to be - life came back for both of us. We came up with a great plan to deal with our admitted problems. We would be each others guide. I quit my job - moved to San Francisco to be with him. He supported me and I was to keep him out of trouble. We all know how well that went......
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
I'm so sorry you are in such pain. But I do have to thank you for putting words to how I feel your words gave me a good old cry, something I haven't been able to do.
It feels better to let some if that trapped emotion free. I hope your writing gives you so e if that too.
It feels better to let some if that trapped emotion free. I hope your writing gives you so e if that too.
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