Is it healthy to regret former drugs use.
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Is it healthy to regret former drugs use.
Hello,
Please know I am coming from a place of love. I understand that this may be a sensitive issue to many, please note, it is an issue I am struggling hard with.
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A person took a poor turn in life and engaged in heavy drugs for a couple of years for highs in nightlife.
Person no longer uses drugs. has been clean from drugs for three years. Still engages with friends to partake - including offering her heavy drugs.
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Would it be a healthy stance to regret the drug use? To own it, and denounce it.
Currently person wants to simply leave it in the "past" and state drug use isn't a big deal in general, and persons use was not a big deal.
Please know I am coming from a place of love. I understand that this may be a sensitive issue to many, please note, it is an issue I am struggling hard with.
----
A person took a poor turn in life and engaged in heavy drugs for a couple of years for highs in nightlife.
Person no longer uses drugs. has been clean from drugs for three years. Still engages with friends to partake - including offering her heavy drugs.
----
Would it be a healthy stance to regret the drug use? To own it, and denounce it.
Currently person wants to simply leave it in the "past" and state drug use isn't a big deal in general, and persons use was not a big deal.
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PipeBomb - great name choice! I have been struggling with this myself. My take on it was that I wouldn't ever be able to get over the past without owning my past actions. Some of those past actions took me a while to fully appreciate, and it is still an ongoing process. It has been a really painful process actually, and I think it is going to take a long time to fully accept everything that happened.
I don't think of it as regret, because that would imply dwelling on the past to me. For the others that I harmed I have made a sincere, open-minded effort to make amends. There are some that passed away already so I missed the opportunity to make amends there. Some of those attempts have resulted in getting kicked in the face though, which I suppose I had coming. The toughest part has been accepting the fact that others may not ever be forgiving, but I don't think I would be able to get over the past if I didn't put a full effort into it.
Maybe that person didn't get far enough down the rabbit hole for it to completely take over their life. If I tried to say it was not a big deal I would be in denial. I don't think the attitude of drug use in general not being a big deal could be construed in any positive way. That would leave the door open to relapse wide open.
I don't think of it as regret, because that would imply dwelling on the past to me. For the others that I harmed I have made a sincere, open-minded effort to make amends. There are some that passed away already so I missed the opportunity to make amends there. Some of those attempts have resulted in getting kicked in the face though, which I suppose I had coming. The toughest part has been accepting the fact that others may not ever be forgiving, but I don't think I would be able to get over the past if I didn't put a full effort into it.
Maybe that person didn't get far enough down the rabbit hole for it to completely take over their life. If I tried to say it was not a big deal I would be in denial. I don't think the attitude of drug use in general not being a big deal could be construed in any positive way. That would leave the door open to relapse wide open.
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Opio, thank you so much for your post, I can't begin to tell you how helpful it was for me to read.
I think you are right. Regret implies a lifetime of lingering onto negative emotions which isn't what I think is healthy. Your choice of words however: Appreciate and accept are accurate to what I believe in my heart.
Appreciate how bad substance abuse is. Appreciate it isn't in line with who she wanted to be or the true character of self. Appreciate the harm it causes people and loved ones. Appreciate that it's a slippery slope to addiction.
Accept the world she was in. Why was she there? Why didn't she see a problem with it? Why does she still not see a problem with it?
Some insight to my issue: you are right in saying my special person didn't slip enough for the substance to take over her life. But as you say, by thinking it still wasn't a big deal is denial - she was on that track and in that world - she just didn't go far enough down it.
I've often said she can't see the woods from the trees. Sadly a lot of her friends use to this day and many other friends did when she used to. She was a part of a drug culture circle in which she was willing to participate. Sadly, she still has a friend who 5 months ago offered her cocaine despite knowing the issues I had been having with her.
I'm trying so hard to save a relationship. It kills me that she sees little wrong with her cocaine use, and doesn't think it's a big deal or worthy of my attention / shock / anger / sadness.
I think you are right. Regret implies a lifetime of lingering onto negative emotions which isn't what I think is healthy. Your choice of words however: Appreciate and accept are accurate to what I believe in my heart.
Appreciate how bad substance abuse is. Appreciate it isn't in line with who she wanted to be or the true character of self. Appreciate the harm it causes people and loved ones. Appreciate that it's a slippery slope to addiction.
Accept the world she was in. Why was she there? Why didn't she see a problem with it? Why does she still not see a problem with it?
Some insight to my issue: you are right in saying my special person didn't slip enough for the substance to take over her life. But as you say, by thinking it still wasn't a big deal is denial - she was on that track and in that world - she just didn't go far enough down it.
I've often said she can't see the woods from the trees. Sadly a lot of her friends use to this day and many other friends did when she used to. She was a part of a drug culture circle in which she was willing to participate. Sadly, she still has a friend who 5 months ago offered her cocaine despite knowing the issues I had been having with her.
I'm trying so hard to save a relationship. It kills me that she sees little wrong with her cocaine use, and doesn't think it's a big deal or worthy of my attention / shock / anger / sadness.
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Why is she supposed to be going back 3 years and make something
a big deal and worthy of your attention/shock/sadness?
I can't even imagine the amount of anger I'd have toward someone dragging
up my past. Is this anything to do with her or is it about the company she keeps?
My neighbor offers pot sometimes....I never smoke it. I could care less if he
offers it. I think in a way it's some kind of being polite.
(which cracks me up)
Cheers!
a big deal and worthy of your attention/shock/sadness?
I can't even imagine the amount of anger I'd have toward someone dragging
up my past. Is this anything to do with her or is it about the company she keeps?
My neighbor offers pot sometimes....I never smoke it. I could care less if he
offers it. I think in a way it's some kind of being polite.
(which cracks me up)
Cheers!
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Originally Posted by Lethe 
Why is she supposed to be going back 3 years and make something
a big deal and worthy of your attention/shock/sadness?
a big deal and worthy of your attention/shock/sadness?
We are in a relationship and as such this has been an issue between us which we discuss.
My point is, by thinking her cocaine use wasn't / isn't a big deal - that makes it a big deal. I'm shocked by her lack of "appreciation / acceptance" of a very dark period and its worrying to me that she doesn't think such. Because the result is, her "friends" can offer her cocaine, and she doesn't see it as a big deal. To this day, she still can't tell the woods from the trees.
As you say (and this was her reasoning) that they were being "polite" by offering the drug, which as you say is laughable, but these lost souls are not my responsibility. But I can't shake the feeling that in three years she hasn't left the tone with her friends that she is well past that stage in life in order for them to do this. I feel as though with her friends - who are all fine with heavy drug use - she puts up a image which is closer in line with who she really is, which is a problem. A person who sees nothing wrong with cocaine use. The other option is, that these people are sick and vile. They knew of the issues we were having and it's not exactly the sort of thing you'd forget about due to how unnatural the habit is. Sadly, there are a lot of SICK people out there.
I'm sure if she had to go to the funeral of a drug abuser she may change her stance, as it might if it were actually one of her friends. As I'm sure she would if she had to sit on a rehab clinic with people who took it a little further than she did. As I'm sure she would if she done the proper research into the substance and objectively looked at where she was in life and who she was sharing a title with. But she won't, it's too uncomfortable for her sadly and I don't think she's big enough to look at herself.
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Sounds to me like you're the one with the issue, not her. If it bothers you so much, perhaps she isn't the right person for you. She seems to have moved on. She's entitled to her beliefs and entitled to handle things the way she sees fit. You don't have to agree.
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Originally Posted by PipeBomb
She isn't meant to do anything.
We are in a relationship and as such this has been an issue between us which we discuss.
My point is, by thinking her cocaine use wasn't / isn't a big deal - that makes it a big deal. I'm shocked by her lack of "appreciation / acceptance" of a very dark period and its worrying to me that she doesn't think such. Because the result is, her "friends" can offer her cocaine, and she doesn't see it as a big deal. To this day, she still can't tell the woods from the trees.
As you say (and this was her reasoning) that they were being "polite" by offering the drug, which as you say is laughable, but these lost souls are not my responsibility. But I can't shake the feeling that in three years she hasn't left the tone with her friends that she is well past that stage in life in order for them to do this. I feel as though with her friends - who are all fine with heavy drug use - she puts up a image which is closer in line with who she really is, which is a problem. A person who sees nothing wrong with cocaine use. The other option is, that these people are sick and vile. They knew of the issues we were having and it's not exactly the sort of thing you'd forget about due to how unnatural the habit is. Sadly, there are a lot of SICK people out there.
I'm sure if she had to go to the funeral of a drug abuser she may change her stance, as it might if it were actually one of her friends. As I'm sure she would if she had to sit on a rehab clinic with people who took it a little further than she did. As I'm sure she would if she done the proper research into the substance and objectively looked at where she was in life and who she was sharing a title with.
We are in a relationship and as such this has been an issue between us which we discuss.
My point is, by thinking her cocaine use wasn't / isn't a big deal - that makes it a big deal. I'm shocked by her lack of "appreciation / acceptance" of a very dark period and its worrying to me that she doesn't think such. Because the result is, her "friends" can offer her cocaine, and she doesn't see it as a big deal. To this day, she still can't tell the woods from the trees.
As you say (and this was her reasoning) that they were being "polite" by offering the drug, which as you say is laughable, but these lost souls are not my responsibility. But I can't shake the feeling that in three years she hasn't left the tone with her friends that she is well past that stage in life in order for them to do this. I feel as though with her friends - who are all fine with heavy drug use - she puts up a image which is closer in line with who she really is, which is a problem. A person who sees nothing wrong with cocaine use. The other option is, that these people are sick and vile. They knew of the issues we were having and it's not exactly the sort of thing you'd forget about due to how unnatural the habit is. Sadly, there are a lot of SICK people out there.
I'm sure if she had to go to the funeral of a drug abuser she may change her stance, as it might if it were actually one of her friends. As I'm sure she would if she had to sit on a rehab clinic with people who took it a little further than she did. As I'm sure she would if she done the proper research into the substance and objectively looked at where she was in life and who she was sharing a title with.
I think anyone who has done drugs has some feeling that it was wrong for them or for others, otherwise they'd do it all day every day.
I'm not sure I understand your need to control her thoughts and feelings about it, though. How many more years are you going to continue to beat this?
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Suki, thanks for your post. You are right in what you say - but it's a tragic truth. It is my problem. It's my problem because I care too much and I perceive her to care too little.
I wish her perspective was more in line, not with mine, but the vast majority of a functioning society comprised of people who do not condone her actions. She was never an addict, this isn't a sensitive situation or conversation for her. She will gladly speak to her friends about it without blinking an eye. It would be nice if she wasn't condoning of it all.
I will say that yes on paper I am the one with the issue. But that's such a blanket statement. It's like if I had a son who was happy being a paedophile, would my annoyance and horrible gut feelings make me "the one with the problem"?
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BiminiMlue, I have only been with her for one year, and I have recently found out that she was lying that whole time RE the extent of the use, which is why the situation has just blown up.
But to answer your question about how much regret would be appropriate for me: it's not a case of what's appropriate for me. I want her to want it for herself. She carries around views which I don't find healthy - and these views tend to be agreed on by leading drug rehab experts. If you're asking what would make me happy short of a time machine? That would be for her in her heart to have a problem with her best friends snorting cocaine. I think that would make her a nicer, more productive, educated and sensitive being. Rather than be somebody who didn't give a **** what her friends did, because in all honesty she doesn't give a **** herself. Sadly, this is the reality. She doesn't see it as a big deal.
To put in perspective, I asked her if she would say anything if her friends got onto heroin. After thinking about it for a while, she said yes she would. She views Cocaine as normal. As a former user, she hasn't accepted the reality of the substance. So if she has moved on, what has she moved on from exactly? Misgivings?
I wish her perspective was more in line, not with mine, but the vast majority of a functioning society comprised of people who do not condone her actions. She was never an addict, this isn't a sensitive situation or conversation for her. She will gladly speak to her friends about it without blinking an eye. It would be nice if she wasn't condoning of it all.
I will say that yes on paper I am the one with the issue. But that's such a blanket statement. It's like if I had a son who was happy being a paedophile, would my annoyance and horrible gut feelings make me "the one with the problem"?
====
BiminiMlue, I have only been with her for one year, and I have recently found out that she was lying that whole time RE the extent of the use, which is why the situation has just blown up.
But to answer your question about how much regret would be appropriate for me: it's not a case of what's appropriate for me. I want her to want it for herself. She carries around views which I don't find healthy - and these views tend to be agreed on by leading drug rehab experts. If you're asking what would make me happy short of a time machine? That would be for her in her heart to have a problem with her best friends snorting cocaine. I think that would make her a nicer, more productive, educated and sensitive being. Rather than be somebody who didn't give a **** what her friends did, because in all honesty she doesn't give a **** herself. Sadly, this is the reality. She doesn't see it as a big deal.
To put in perspective, I asked her if she would say anything if her friends got onto heroin. After thinking about it for a while, she said yes she would. She views Cocaine as normal. As a former user, she hasn't accepted the reality of the substance. So if she has moved on, what has she moved on from exactly? Misgivings?
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Did you seriously just compare experimenting with drugs to pedophilia?? 
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The comparison is fine thank you. It proves that sometimes person A being fine with thing something does not always make it the "problem" of person B.
Forget drugs for a second and just look at that. If you don't want to comment, that's fine, but the truth is in your face.
Being needlessly cruel to somebody reaching out for help because your knickers are in a twist is saddening. Maybe you should excuse yourself before you say something really clever like she would be doing better by hanging around the very people trying to get her to do cocaine on a Sunday afternoon...
Forget drugs for a second and just look at that. If you don't want to comment, that's fine, but the truth is in your face.
Being needlessly cruel to somebody reaching out for help because your knickers are in a twist is saddening. Maybe you should excuse yourself before you say something really clever like she would be doing better by hanging around the very people trying to get her to do cocaine on a Sunday afternoon...
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Having an objection and "wanting her to want this for herself" are two very different concepts.
Of course you are within your rights to have any beliefs you want.
You are not in your rights to tell your girlfriend or anyone else how they "should" feel on any subject - at all.
I agree with suki, maybe it's time for you to move on if this is such a thorn in your side.
Of course you are within your rights to have any beliefs you want.
You are not in your rights to tell your girlfriend or anyone else how they "should" feel on any subject - at all.
I agree with suki, maybe it's time for you to move on if this is such a thorn in your side.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Having an objection and "wanting her to want this for herself" are two very different concepts.
Of course you are within your rights to have any beliefs you want.
You are not in your rights to tell your girlfriend or anyone else how they "should" feel on any subject - at all.
Of course you are within your rights to have any beliefs you want.
You are not in your rights to tell your girlfriend or anyone else how they "should" feel on any subject - at all.
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