Sharing information
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Sharing information
Be any of you ever shared information with the A in your lives? Such as I was reading some of the blogs on DV and alcoholism. They were so perfectly worded as exactly what I was feeling and experiencing. I wondered if it might get through to my AH to understand how I am feeling. Or is it the general consensus that the A doesn't care, won't "get it" and it won't make a difference???
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After XA was fired from his job ( two DWI's) he took a job as a bartender.
He would often say that loud, obnoxious, drunk people., got on his last nerve. He often would say that those who cannot handle their alcohol should not be allowed to drink.
I just wanted to scream, "look in the mirror" he never saw himself as one of those loud, obnoxious, out of control people.
But he was also the guy who didn't have a drinking problem, he simply liked to drink.
The bottom line, until the alcoholic acknowledges that there is a problem, nothing will change.
He would often say that loud, obnoxious, drunk people., got on his last nerve. He often would say that those who cannot handle their alcohol should not be allowed to drink.
I just wanted to scream, "look in the mirror" he never saw himself as one of those loud, obnoxious, out of control people.
But he was also the guy who didn't have a drinking problem, he simply liked to drink.
The bottom line, until the alcoholic acknowledges that there is a problem, nothing will change.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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When I was using, anyone telling me to slow down would have been not only ignored, but actively shunned.
It won't go well if you decide to try it. Alcoholics already know everything in the world there is to know. Just ask them. Actually, you don't even have to ask them, they'll just tell you.
It won't go well if you decide to try it. Alcoholics already know everything in the world there is to know. Just ask them. Actually, you don't even have to ask them, they'll just tell you.
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I had about three sarcastic ways of responding to this post ("Do you like talking to walls?") but the truth is that this was one of the more painful things for me to go through. He had real problems, I was trying to support his recovery, and my support was never appreciated, acknowledged, or validated. In fact, when I sent my STBXAH materials, or long detailed emails about my feelings since we couldn't talk about it in person, I got radio silence.
So, in my experience, I guess if you like talking to walls, you can tell him everything that's in your heart. I just wouldn't expect anything back in return, especially not empathy or understanding or action. My mistake was thinking my words and hopes would have an effect on his disease. In a healthy relationship, people are able to hash out and renegotiate the things in the relationship that aren't working for them as individuals. Unfortunately that's just not how addiction works, and we are not in relationships with healthy people. (Frequently, we are not healthy ourselves.)
So, in my experience, I guess if you like talking to walls, you can tell him everything that's in your heart. I just wouldn't expect anything back in return, especially not empathy or understanding or action. My mistake was thinking my words and hopes would have an effect on his disease. In a healthy relationship, people are able to hash out and renegotiate the things in the relationship that aren't working for them as individuals. Unfortunately that's just not how addiction works, and we are not in relationships with healthy people. (Frequently, we are not healthy ourselves.)
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I even told my XAH about this site years ago. He was not interested then, not interested now. Sad fact.
However, he is the first one to be critical of someone else with a drinking problem or addiction LOL...
Denial...Denial...Denial...
However, he is the first one to be critical of someone else with a drinking problem or addiction LOL...
Denial...Denial...Denial...
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Dear searching peace,
Thank you for sharing. When I was with my xabf, the more I tried to share information from different sources in hopes of "maybe if someone else explains it, he will get it', the more he resented me. Looking back, everyone I reached out to must have thought I was crazy, whipped, stupid, obnoxious, annoying, desperate, etc. I reached out to everyone - his sponsor, his mom, dad, brother in law, old friends, current friends, my friends, my family members, etc.
At one point or another, I reached out to all of these people. I was desperate. It's a bit embarrassing now when I look back at that behavior. "Oh can you talk to him?" "Oh if you talk to him, he will listen". We watched movies on it. There was a documentary on Netflix that I got him to watch with me about a basketball player who was an addict then turned his life around. I can't tell you how desperate I was. If he hears and sees the message enough, he will get it right? I started talking about "someday we will settle down and get married" in hopes that that realization will set him straight and make him realize it's time to grow up. No luck.
The more I tried, the more I tired myself out. He humored me and told me what I wanted to hear, but his actions did not correlate. That's what I believe you will get by sharing information because I, too, told him I was on a forum of sorts seeking advice. I thought telling him I was going to Al-Anon would wake him up. No such luck.
Honestly, my advice would be to either accept his alcoholism or leave because there really is no in between choice. You can't change someone no matter how hard you try. The more you try, the more the relationship suffers because resentment grows. Relationships aren't supposed to be this way anyway. Take care of yourself.
Thank you for sharing. When I was with my xabf, the more I tried to share information from different sources in hopes of "maybe if someone else explains it, he will get it', the more he resented me. Looking back, everyone I reached out to must have thought I was crazy, whipped, stupid, obnoxious, annoying, desperate, etc. I reached out to everyone - his sponsor, his mom, dad, brother in law, old friends, current friends, my friends, my family members, etc.
At one point or another, I reached out to all of these people. I was desperate. It's a bit embarrassing now when I look back at that behavior. "Oh can you talk to him?" "Oh if you talk to him, he will listen". We watched movies on it. There was a documentary on Netflix that I got him to watch with me about a basketball player who was an addict then turned his life around. I can't tell you how desperate I was. If he hears and sees the message enough, he will get it right? I started talking about "someday we will settle down and get married" in hopes that that realization will set him straight and make him realize it's time to grow up. No luck.
The more I tried, the more I tired myself out. He humored me and told me what I wanted to hear, but his actions did not correlate. That's what I believe you will get by sharing information because I, too, told him I was on a forum of sorts seeking advice. I thought telling him I was going to Al-Anon would wake him up. No such luck.
Honestly, my advice would be to either accept his alcoholism or leave because there really is no in between choice. You can't change someone no matter how hard you try. The more you try, the more the relationship suffers because resentment grows. Relationships aren't supposed to be this way anyway. Take care of yourself.
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Sharing information, sharing advice, please don't do that !!!!!!! I did.
Oh, how my exah wanted to know how he could treat me better, how he could treat me so that I wasn't afraid of him anymore!!!!!!
He read the books, went to therapy. Know what happened????
He turned himself into a victim of how he was walking on eggshells around me !!!!!!!!
How I was controlling him when I just wanted a phone call to know that he would be late or wasn't coming home at all.
He at first said when he read that, that it felt like it was talking to him, then, slowly, slowly they turn, he turned everything back to me, and how abusive I was. He learned the lingo, he learned how to manipulate more.
He learned how to screw with my head, more then he was already doing.
Those self help books or literature are for you and for you only.
Please don't do that. I did. Don't share this site with him or anything else.
Just I have been there, done that. The first book, verbally abusive relationship, got thrown in the toilet, before he read it to attack me with it.
((((((hugs)))))
Oh, how my exah wanted to know how he could treat me better, how he could treat me so that I wasn't afraid of him anymore!!!!!!
He read the books, went to therapy. Know what happened????
He turned himself into a victim of how he was walking on eggshells around me !!!!!!!!
How I was controlling him when I just wanted a phone call to know that he would be late or wasn't coming home at all.
He at first said when he read that, that it felt like it was talking to him, then, slowly, slowly they turn, he turned everything back to me, and how abusive I was. He learned the lingo, he learned how to manipulate more.
He learned how to screw with my head, more then he was already doing.
Those self help books or literature are for you and for you only.
Please don't do that. I did. Don't share this site with him or anything else.
Just I have been there, done that. The first book, verbally abusive relationship, got thrown in the toilet, before he read it to attack me with it.
((((((hugs)))))
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Yeah, in my experience, trying to educate an alcoholic about the dangers of their "true love" is about as effective as trying to do the same with a teenager, lol. It usually falls on deaf ears, and odds are, they will retreat to their true love for comfort from your "abuse."
IMO, You'll be better off educating yourself on codependency. Since you are here, YOU are at least open to the notion that something is actually wrong. Good luck!
IMO, You'll be better off educating yourself on codependency. Since you are here, YOU are at least open to the notion that something is actually wrong. Good luck!
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
i don't think one should SHARE anything with the person against whom you have an Order of Protection..........
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why do you feel that it is important that HE understand how YOU feel? it will not change a thing that has occurred. he abused you. abusers do not have the capacity to even consider what their victim might FEEL. or think. or wish.
put your energies into gaining information that will help YOU and make you stronger so that NO ONE is ever allowed to harm you in any way again.
put your energies into gaining information that will help YOU and make you stronger so that NO ONE is ever allowed to harm you in any way again.
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I'm sure you are right anvilhead. I am still struggling between my head and my heart. My heart (admittedly stupidly) thinks I can somehow make him understand what I'm feeling and he will understand how wrong his actions are and then change and we can have the normal, calm, safe
Loving marriage I always wanted with him.
My head hasn't caught up yet with all that has happened.
I am doing the best I can to come to terms with this and the fact that the man i loved with all of my heart cares more about alcohol and hurting me than being my husband.
Loving marriage I always wanted with him.
My head hasn't caught up yet with all that has happened.
I am doing the best I can to come to terms with this and the fact that the man i loved with all of my heart cares more about alcohol and hurting me than being my husband.
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Originally Posted by searching peace
I'm sure you are right anvilhead. I am still struggling between my head and my heart. My heart (admittedly stupidly) thinks I can somehow make him understand what I'm feeling and he will understand how wrong his actions are and then change and we can have the normal, calm, safe
Loving marriage I always wanted with him.
My head hasn't caught up yet with all that has happened.
I am doing the best I can to come to terms with this and the fact that the man i loved with all of my heart cares more about alcohol and hurting me than being my husband.
Loving marriage I always wanted with him.
My head hasn't caught up yet with all that has happened.
I am doing the best I can to come to terms with this and the fact that the man i loved with all of my heart cares more about alcohol and hurting me than being my husband.
I was like, how can he not know? But he didn't, and still doesn't.
He's progressed enough in his alcoholism that I don't have to worry about him bothering me. Living 700+ miles away doesn't hurt either. It's a sad thing to be grateful for another person's terminal illness (untreated alcoholism), but whenever I read about someone like you struggling and trying to stay safe, I feel glad that he's no longer functional enough to come after me. Hugs and strength to you.
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It's really not personal. His problems are not a reflection of you and your self worth. Don't let his serious issues define who you truly are.
Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. They could have a super model and $100,000,000 and they would still drink, until when or if they ever decide to stop.
Your husbands thoughts and perceptions about woman became very distorted over the years, it will take a lot of hard work and years to change that.
It's sad and it's unfortunate but it just the truth.
The part that angers me still is how good they behave in the beginning to suck us in. But in truth, I think most of us see the red flags and just ignore them. So I needed to own my choices too.
Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. They could have a super model and $100,000,000 and they would still drink, until when or if they ever decide to stop.
Your husbands thoughts and perceptions about woman became very distorted over the years, it will take a lot of hard work and years to change that.
It's sad and it's unfortunate but it just the truth.
The part that angers me still is how good they behave in the beginning to suck us in. But in truth, I think most of us see the red flags and just ignore them. So I needed to own my choices too.
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I don't want you to try to defend yourself here. I did the same things.
My ex put me in the hospital once when he hit me in the head, gave me a black eye that lasted the whole summer while he accused me of me telling the police that he tried to rape me, but he was just trying to make up with me.
There weren't any apologies.
Then 2 years later he hit me again. This time he threw a cup at me, very close to my eye, left a scar, that I still carry, and I did not call 911 because he might lose his job.
Regarding "talking to to the walls" !!!!!! I had many conversations with the walls, sometimes even when my ex was still in the same room !!!!!!!!!!! Not recommended.
I would say, Wall, you listen to be better then my H does. Can I talk to you instead. I didn't expect an answer from the wall, but at least the wall wouldn't attack me verbally.
This may sound crazy, but that is only because I know what I went through trying to get him to see anything.
The "wall" or talking to myself, was the only thing that I could count on. And I still argued with myself. The "wall" was better.
My ex put me in the hospital once when he hit me in the head, gave me a black eye that lasted the whole summer while he accused me of me telling the police that he tried to rape me, but he was just trying to make up with me.
There weren't any apologies.
Then 2 years later he hit me again. This time he threw a cup at me, very close to my eye, left a scar, that I still carry, and I did not call 911 because he might lose his job.
Regarding "talking to to the walls" !!!!!! I had many conversations with the walls, sometimes even when my ex was still in the same room !!!!!!!!!!! Not recommended.
I would say, Wall, you listen to be better then my H does. Can I talk to you instead. I didn't expect an answer from the wall, but at least the wall wouldn't attack me verbally.
This may sound crazy, but that is only because I know what I went through trying to get him to see anything.
The "wall" or talking to myself, was the only thing that I could count on. And I still argued with myself. The "wall" was better.
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Amy55, I'm so very sorry. I write in my notes on my phone as if I'm talking to my AH. It makes me feel better and doesn't burden anyone to hear my sob story. And I can be completely honest about what I'm feeling no matter what it is at that moment. So the notes are for me like your wall is for you. I hate how they change us. How they go on their merry way doing exactly what they want with no remorse and we are the ones left in the dust to deal with all that comes from the fallout. Plus the broken heart and spirit from their rejection. And they should all come with a warning. Because they are all so charming in the beginning. I wonder if their is a web site to let people know don't trust this person ha ha!
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searching p,
write down all the things you want to remember. Keep text messages from him or voicemails that you don't want to listen to anymore, if you get the urge to call him, listen to them first. I also had tape recordings. I listened to them first, and it quickly stopped me from picking up or answering the phone.
But, I still did, and I listened to him crying and how he wanted to be better, and for a short while he would show me the vulnerable boy inside of him, the one that he needed to protect, while he attacked me.
That person is still there, but for that little vulnerable boy to exist, he had to destroy anyone who was in his way. That little vulnerable boy, could never be happy, he wasn't getting help, and I could do it anymore.
write down all the things you want to remember. Keep text messages from him or voicemails that you don't want to listen to anymore, if you get the urge to call him, listen to them first. I also had tape recordings. I listened to them first, and it quickly stopped me from picking up or answering the phone.
But, I still did, and I listened to him crying and how he wanted to be better, and for a short while he would show me the vulnerable boy inside of him, the one that he needed to protect, while he attacked me.
That person is still there, but for that little vulnerable boy to exist, he had to destroy anyone who was in his way. That little vulnerable boy, could never be happy, he wasn't getting help, and I could do it anymore.
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