Pebbles128

How do I keep in contact with my baby grandson??? I love & worry about him so much - he is beyond precious to me.

Sorry for the novel. Back story is in previous posts...

Why do I keep thinking things will be different?

I ONCE AGAIN let myself believe that this weekend would be different.

Yesterday was my 1st visit since my daughter & grandson moved into "fiance's" parents home. I had high hopes. (one of many mistakes on my part)

At work at 6a. Busy day. Coworkers notice I'm a bit edgy. Ah-haa! Figure it's my brilliant mind telling me this visit is going to be a mistake but I think..."MAYBE this time it will be different..." (should have listened to that little voice)

Leave work at 2p. Car is packed with baby goodies (packed the the week before, cancelled that trip - listened to my inner voice telling me bad idea) New crib & accessories have already been shipped to the house. Drizzle all day & of course the minute I start driving - raging rain. Another sign. But I continue on. Stop at store to get off the highway. Call RAD/AD? to see if there is anything else baby needs. (Mistake #325!) Gives me a list. Um, no can do, not enough $$ but I will see what I can manage.

Back on the road...Did I mention this is a 2 hour drive? A bit panicky driving but I somehow manage while wondering how other people manage to drive 80 mph in pouring rain...carry on...driving under the speed limit...just being extra careful....

I arrive at other grandparents home. Baby is sleeping. Say hi to elderly grandpa & grandmother is busy working from home. Told by daughter that I MUST pack my car with HER STUFF & store it at my house because other grandparents are complaining about too many boxes. (This is a 5 bedroom home w/attic & cellar & 2 story attached barn/garage) My house has no attic/cellar, no garage - 3 bdr. Hmmmmm-Huh? Well I suggest I take the babies special things & store them. Best I can do. Apparently wrong answer.

Grandparents leave for dinner & drinks. Get updates from RAD/AD & father on latest happenings...daughter is bitching on & on. I try & ignore. I have not eaten a thing since 5a. It's 7p. I was promised dinner. Baby awakes. JOY! JOY! JOY!

Finally at 7:30a, they start dinner. Other grandparents arrive back home. Feeling very uncomfortable since I barely know them but daughter feels I should feel very comfortable STAYING THE WEEKEND because she lives there now. (Never said how long I would stay...testing the waters...did bring change of clothes though) I mention I would be leaving the next day after crib assembly because I have many things to get done at home. Not received well. I'm a bad grandmother because....I didn't help them move (AND WITH GOOD REASON), I haven't seen my grandson in a month, etc, etc,etc...

POOF! Parents leave me with grandson & go off into parts unknown. Elderly grandpa is shuffling in & out of room trying to be nice to me. Dinner is cooking on the stove & burning. House starts filling w/smoke. I shut off top stove. Embarrassingly I had to text my daughter & ask WHERE ARE YOU? Oh..upstairs chilling...WHAT??????? Get down here!!!! 20 minutes later the parents come down & continue cooking. Me still holding baby, can't put him down cause house is not child proof. He's not thrilled about being held for over an hour. Put him in his walker. (He's a bit behind due to medical issues, can't walk yet) I feel myself getting more & more anxious. Big mistake thinking this visit was a good idea.

My daughters continues to belittle me telling me I'm "weird", I need "help" because I felt uncomfortable sitting there ALONE. What???? I'm in a strange house holding my grandson with no one around...I finally found his bottle in their refrigerator...have no idea where his diapers are....WHAT?? I'm WEIRD??

Finally...could have been LACK OF NOURISHMENT or refreshments (both parents ate & drank snacks in front of me) or maybe I FINALLY GOT it...I think to myself..this is not going well. I need to leave. NOW.

So I go upstairs to get my bag. Daughter follows. Shuts & blocks the bedroom door. Will not let me leave UNTIL she says what she has to say. I tell her to move away I'm leaving. She won't budge. QUACK, QUACK, QUACK...I'm almost in a panic. I NEED TO LEAVE. I try pushing her aside. She doesn't move. I say: MOVE! more loudly (thinking she will because grandparents might hear) Nope. I call to the baby's father. Nothing. I call to him LOUDER. Nothing. She is not moving. I try pushing her again & BAM...I get a slug to the face. Almost fall over. My phone is downstairs. PANIC. Finally I THINK she realizes what she did & lets me wedge myself out the half opened door. I tell father to come out to my car & get the rest of the things I brought for baby. Daughter is yelling at me from front steps about how much I suck as a grandmother, how can I leave him like this, etc. etc? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I just want to be home. Safe. I'm shaking. Father says he doesn't think I should drive & I tell him I NEED TO LEAVE. NOW. GET THE STUFF OUT OF MY CAR PLEASE.

I drive home in the dark (I don't do well anymore at night) in a raging rainstorm...just praying, praying, praying that I will make it home. Not thinking about what has just happened because I have to focus on driving. It was a scary ride home.

Walk in the door. Husband says I thought you wouldn't be home til tomorrow or maybe Sunday. I just tell him..ya..well it didn't work out that way. He says: She treated you like S*it again, right? When are you going to learn? I say nothing. I am exhausted - mentally & physically.

I did get 2 texts from daughter that I didn't read til this morning. One tells me how much I suck, the other says how much she loves me. Makes no sense.

I sent a message to her basically:........ I drove through a rainstorm to get there. The way u talk to me is awful. Your language in front of BABY is unacceptable. Don't keep USING BABY by threatening that I will never see him. U seem to forget who was there for u since day 1. I'd rather not see him than have him have to listen to what I hear EVERY TIME I come to visit. I will not allow ANYONE to verbally abuse me or disrespect me. I will not allow ANYONE to STOP me when I want to leave a situation. I will not allow anyone ESPECIALLY MY OWN CHILD to put a hand on me. I guess I expected too much once again thinking maybe this time we could have a good visit. Lesson learned. I drove home UPSET, in the dark, in a rainstorm. This is not the 1st time I've had to leave when I came to visit. I am done. You have have crossed the line & I won't put myself in that position again.

I can't talk to my husband about this. Her brothers are done. I have 1 friend who will listen. No Al-Anon or Nar-Anon within 1.5 hour night driving distance. No health insurance for therapy.

How do I just let my grandson go? I can live without dealing with my daughter at this point but I want him in my life. She won't allow him to stay with me because I live in a rural area, out of state, away from his children's hospital which he would need if an emergency arose.

Do I just go no contact & lose him too?

Sorry for the novel. I think I just answered my own question. Maybe writing it out & reading it helped. I have to do what is best for me & my grandson. Having him witness our dysfunction will do nothing but more harm. I need to let them be.

So sad.

jjj111

I really feel for you, Pebbles. It's so hard to set boundaries when there are children involved. I go through this with my sister. I love my nephew, but I haven't seen him in almost two years because I have not been comfortable visiting my sister while she was using, living with a boyfriend I dislike, etc. A couple times I have visited her and stayed in a nearby hotel. Maybe if you can afford that, it might be an option, that way you could just meet in a public place like a park or something and still have your space to retreat to. But maybe your daughter's life is just too chaotic to be around? I know it's SOOO hard to accept that sometimes we don't have the power to change the lives of children in our extended family.

mayabee

So heartbreaking. Haven't been there myself, but many in my Nar-Anon group are in the same boat - torn between their addicted child's unacceptable behavior and their love and concern for their grandkids. Try to relax this weekend. You are understandably sad and hurt. Do something to nurture yourself. Take a long nap, go for a walk, enjoy a good novel or movie, treat yourself to a fancy coffee drink, go to church if that comforts you - small comforts but reminders that you deserve some good things.

Txhelp

Such a difficult thing but really I am not so sure that you have much choice. Other than meeting in a neutral location....it appears that your safety is at risk (emotional and physical).

Your gut is telling you she is using..she is. I understand wanting a relationship with your grandson. It must be heartwrenching to have your daughter lost and now your grandchild not being available.

Do you think your grandchild is at risk for abuse? It seems that this is the elephant in the room. She is abusive toward you..how is she around him?

Pebbles128

Thanks all...
I tried to focus on ME yesterday but well that didn't work out so well. I have a lovely back yard overlooking a brook which right now is a semi raging river...sat out there for awhile...thinking about all the yard work I should be doing but I choose to just SIT. Tried the nap thing. Weird, weird cramps in feet & toes. Up again. Must be tension. Sat on couch & just started to cry & I NEVER, EVER CRY. Husband comes home early. Can't discuss this with him because although he enjoys my older sons company, he cannot say the same about my daughter. He has no children & has none of the experiences I've had dealing with drug & alcohol issues within families (myself, ex-husbands, family members, etc) None. He does not get it. Shape up or ship out I think his motto. He does not put up with crap.
I thought about a hotel...she's living in a beach/country setting...but I can't afford that. I lived in the area for over 10 yrs & still have a few friends that I could maybe stay with but for various reasons I don't think those would be suitable options.
Due to my grandson's medical conditions - I think & I know I'm not a licensed mental health provider....that she has developed OCD tendencies. Since she can't control the baby's health (another heart surgery later this summer)...She NEEDS to be in control about EVERYTHING else she THINKS she can control. She tries to control me, her fiance's (ughhhhh!!!) health issues & drug issues....I've tried talking with her...she definitely needs therapy but that is not on her priority list. She takes excellent physical care of the baby...but allowing him to hear her constant bickering with fiance (another UGHHHH) & me when I there is just not right. Babies can sense TENSION & she is all about TENSION. The father disappeared until 2 weeks before baby was born. I was there when she first found out about his medical problems in utero, guided her through that medical maze & continue to help after his birth. I was there for all of his surgeries & hospitalizations. I don't think I will ever understand how she could treat me with such contempt. I could not "save" her father & I left him. He eventually died & I think she blames me for letting him go. I just can't deal with her anymore. I want to go scoop my grandson up & save him from the madness but that is impossible. He's just an innocent child. These 2 parents think they are doing the right thing (both now on methadone) but I see neither doing ANYTHING about a future life raising a child. (My daughter was in college a few years back but never finished & Dad has HUGE medical issues that will probably have him on disability for life) What kind of life can they provide for my grandson. Other grandmother has BLINDERS on. Her son can do no wrong. She hands $$$ over like water. Clueless. I'm thankful that she is providing a roof over their heads. I would have been thrilled to live in such a home with my children when they were young. No one helped me when I divorced my 1st husband. I was left to figure it out on my own. Yet these parents seem so ungrateful. They could probably stay in the house forever if they got their act together but I really don't see that happening.
I sent a private message to both parents on FB & all I got back was more QUACKING from my daughter...so for the 1st time EVER - I unfriended both of them. Time to step away. I'm feeling overwhelmed because I know I can't FIX them so I just need to focus on me & my husband. He has not been on my top 10 list due to all my time spent trying to "help" my daughter & grandson & I know he's feeling neglected. Have to get off this crazy train...it's just not going in the right direction.