Living for Today - Just Sharing Thoughts and Feelings

Old 05-18-2014, 07:33 AM
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Living for Today - Just Sharing Thoughts and Feelings

I am having a hard time with living for today. I, in my mind, travel to the future and the past, rarely spending any time in the present. I wake up and I'm thinking of the future, immediately. I don't wake up and think about where I am in the present and I don't know if it's because where I am isn't where I want to be or if it's because I have anxiety about the move I'm making in my life.

When I find myself in the past, I find myself digging to pile on reasons I need to leave my AH. I go to the past and there, I feel bitterness and anger, both at myself and my AH. I stay there long enough to give my mind the throttle force it needs to kick in to overdrive and head back to the future, where I will be living without my AH.

I used to have a light about me, a radiance, a glow. A joy and an energy that would stream through me bringing movement to the music I heard, or laughter to the most insignificant of moments. I feel heavy and have been feeling heavy for a long time now. That light that shined so bright got burned out somewhere along the path of destruction I have been on for nearly four years now. The music doesn't sound the same. I'm not depressed, in the sense I still feel happiness, but it's the inner joy that comes from a free spirit that I lack. I feel my spirit is in a prison, that my spirit is confined to the mental anguish of not living presently.

There is something horrible feeling about living dishonestly as well, it's so polluting to the soul. I know in my heart and mind that I will not be here forever but am buying time till the lease runs up and I have to smile and nod my head when my husband talks about taking trips, buying cars, building houses, or anything else that implies our ties will be bound forever. He knows he has a drug problem and he compensates his lack of self worth with grandiose plans that will not come to fruition. I don't say these things because I have ill will towards him and his dreams, but because rationally, I don't have any reason to believe the cycle of addiction will break when I have been on the first row to it for four years. And the addiction didn't start four years ago, it has existed for two decades now. It's hard to make a vacation come to life when you don't have the money to pay the rent.

So, I say, if you are in a marriage with an addict who continues to make false promises, you are not alone. If you have feelings of guilt and disgust because you know you are on your way out, but haven't quite made it out the door, you are not alone. If you feel like the joy in your life has been stolen by, not another human being, but by a condition of which you have no control over, you are not alone. If you feel like you want today to pass quickly, yesterday to turn to black, and you live with dreams of how it might be to live without addiction in your life, you are not alone. This too shall pass.
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Old 05-18-2014, 09:23 AM
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I once had a counselor tell me that my joy would when I free myself from the unhealthy relationship I was in. Seems obvious, but not easy to remember when you are in the middle of miserable.

As you say, it will pass.
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