stwa

Let me start by saying I felt this was the best place to come for opinions on my situation and possible answers to my many questions. I have been around someone I believe to be abusing alcohol and I worry about him and I can't help it. I know I need to live my own life and can not change someone who does not recognize they have a problem but I feel their life is spiraling downward and all I can do is watch. So here's where the story begins.

When I was 16 I dated a boy for about a month. That may not seem like a lot but he was my first boyfriend and to this day the only guy I've had real feelings for. (Not "love" though). I ended up breaking up with him because he began partying a lot and using drugs I didn't agree with bc I barely drink and do not smoke or do any drugs to this day. I still cared about him and wanted to remain friends but we went our separate ways and didn't talk for over 5 years. I never forgot about him though and hoped he would turn his life around bc he was still young and I've known his family since I was little especially his grandpa and grandma who basically raised him bc his dad was unable to care for him at the time and his mom walked out a long time ago. (serious drama went on when he was a child). This made me always feel sad for him and understand that he probably has a lot of sadness from this.

Anyways, 5 years later he tries to add me on facebook. I denied his request bc he was too many bad feeling associated with him. I then find that he left me multiple messages saying he wanted to hang out and be friends bc he was going through "extremely rough times of late" and wants to surround himself with good people and that I was always so kind, honest and genuine in every way. He was very adamant about the fact he had changed and kept saying that to me. I said I only wanted to hang out if he really had changed and thought it was weird he was talking to me after so long? And for what reason really??? he was always asking to hang out but I avoided it for about 2 months. When we finally hung out I felt he had changed but somethings still bothered me. And I didnt trust him. He always plays things off around me and tries to make himself seem better than he is bc he knows how I feel about drugs/alcohol. He was also making it clear he wanted to be more than friends and I was hopeful we could but knew in the back of my mind it wouldnt go great forever. Second time we hung out he told me he got a DUI over a year ago. His grandpa also passed away over a year ago and his gf dumped him a few months ago. He didnt say why she did but played it off as her fault though now Im pretty sure she got sick of his drinking. Still doesnt explain what the rough times as of late were??? because all of that happened awhile ago not recently?? anyways 3rd time we hungout he had been drinking and was high. I told him I was disappointed and didnt want to hang out with him like that. but I did anyways. 4th and LAST time we hung out I asked him to hang out. He got to my house late and was completely drunk. He argued he wasnt before going to the washroom then passing out. In the middle of the night he woke up in a sleep walk state and pissed on my carpet/couch. In the morning I told him what happened and that I couldnt hang out with him anymore. he got upset and left. Since then (2 weeks ago) I havent seen him. he texted me that he was really upset and sorry and embarrassed. he texted me at 2 am one morning "I Miss You" "I Just wanna kiss you" clearly he had been drinking. I texted him not to text me when drunk and he replied "There's a difference between drinking and being drunk". He is in denial of how far his alcohol abuse is. He is never awake during the day. Claims to only drinking on the weekend but I know thats not true. Lost his job due to taking a nap on break(probably tired from drinking). Spends all his money on alcohol. Doesn't drive anymore due to insurance (from DUI). and cant have fun or understand how I have fun without drinking. I texted him that I care about him as a friend because I know hes been through a lot. He said he wanted to talk in person but I said i was busy at the time but I would talk with him another time. He hasn't texted me since. What should I do at this point? Im worried about him. Why would he say hes changed when hes only changed for the worse? Why would he contacted me in the first place? I care about him and hope I did the right thing by letting him know I care and he can talk to me if he needs to. To be honest I dont think he feels he can talk about serious matters with his friends and his family either enables or doesn't care at all bc they are messed up or absent.

Coldfusion

Welcome, stwa!

You ask many questions which are common topics here. I hope you'll read around and keep posting!

All I know from my experience as an alcoholic is that the only person who could help me recover was myself. I did not quit until I was ready.

Dee74

Hi and welcome stwa

this is a guy you dated for a month then didn't see for 5 years and have seen a handful of times since, right?

I'm sure you care for him. I'm sure that deep down he's a great guy - but for now all signs point to this guy being chaos - right now and for the forseeable future.

The more you hang with this guy the more chaos will be introduced into your life.

There are any number of people - professional or experienced people who can help your friend - if he wants help.

Don't get into something over your head.
If chaos is not what you want then your decision is clear, I think.

D

Ruby2

You may represent to him a part of his life that was by far steadier than the life he currently has. Someone who isn't wrapped up in craziness. Stability that he may yearn for. The problem is that you can't give him that even if you were to offer it. It is something he has to find for himself. My husband sounds a lot like this guy. Absent parents. Mom checked out most of the time due to drugs and drinking. Dad absent. He turned to the only thing he knew for comfort which was drugs and alcohol. I was relatively stable in comparison even though I am an alcoholic. I had a house, a car, a job, an intact loving family. Even then he he didn't find peace until he decided to quit drinking and that was many years after we married. It was a horrible roller coaster until then. He too would protest he had changed. He said it because he wanted it to be true, not because it was true. Alcoholics lie to themselves as much as they lie to other people.

Stay here and learn. From my own experience it would be far less painful to hold him at arms distance and not get wrapped up in the craziness. If you keep allowing him back in after he has stepped on your boundaries, he will just keep pushing the limits. Coming over drunk or high. Late night texts about how you are the only one who cares or understands. It is manipulation. Putting the burden of helping him on you instead of placing the task where it solely belongs - on him. Welcome to SR. Try reading on the family and friends of alcoholics and the one for family and friends of substance abusers too. Those forums are very supportive and informative.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum stwa!!

It's one thing having a "friend" on facebook, chat now and again, but anything more I wouldn't even go near opening that door based on your story.

To answer your specific questions, when addiction is involved, not a lot should be taken very literally, the mind of an addict isn't the most reliable of things to depend on, never mind when you factor in effects of alcohol and drugs themselves into the equation.

FreeOwl

Couldn't really say it any better.

Nothin' but trouble waiting for you here. He's got a journey ahead of him, and you can't 'rescue' him.

least

Welcome to the family. If it were me, I'd let him go on his way without me. He sounds like too much trouble to be in a relationship with. Move on with your life and make it a good life on your own.

LBrain

Because of your kindness you fell for someone's lie - it was a lie. You found out the truth.
If you had known this before the meet, would you have agreed to see this person? My guess is NO. Then why continue with it? There are probably a lot more issues you have yet to discover. My advice would be to keep those a secret. The only to do that is to get away before you get in too deep.

Aellyce

Hi Stwa, I am an alcoholic in recovery (~3.5 months in) and in the past I had a complicated long term relationship with another alcoholic who also had other addictive tendencies. Can tell you a bit of a story how things can go if you do "get into it deep", as LBrain expressed above.

When I first met him (nearly 10 years ago), I was not fully aware that I had a drinking problem, or that he had one. But I was drawn to him in part because of his enigmatic nature (now I would say it's the textbook secretive behavior of an addict and someone with many emotional problems) and what I perceived initially as very high personal standards, ethics and level of integrity. We were in the same professional circuit, he had a very high profile job and all - but for me there was an air of mystery around him from the first moment and that was like a magnet for my curious mind...

Well, long story short - I soon got a glimpse into the "other side" of his integrity... But it was fine for a while because I had my many problems as well. I think we both were attracted to each other also because of the lots of mysteries and problems, and we related to each-other so well in the beginning.

I won't get into details but will give you the take home. We turned each other's life upside down pretty effectively over a few years and ended in a deep two-sided obsession that I thought I could not break at all. But I desperately wanted out of that "prison" - of the alcoholism, of the obsessions, of that surreal world that seemed so compelling at first. He never wanted to break any of it. I did in the end - slowly, gradually, through many "relapses".

And the weird messages (drunk or sober)... I won't even get started on that one...

It was such a good decision to cut it but a very hard act to implement for me mentally. I actually separated myself from him even geographically (moved to a different state), but for a good while the mental obsession was even worse than in the early years, and my drinking became worse than ever. Was I in love with him? Or he with me? Yeah but not what I would call "love" now... it was an almost psychic kind of connection. Like a nonstop psychedelic trip, "only" fueled by alcohol, like a fantasy novel, but not healthy and not viable in the real world.

My story is just an example for how these things can turn out in the long run. Like others, I also recommend that you steer clear from him and it will be much easier in this early phase where you are with him now. Do not romanticize chaos. I would leave it now and not contact him. Look for people and relationships that are nourishing and constructive for you.

tootsl1

Stwa, I suggest, as he hasn't contacted you, leave it until he does. At that time I feel it would be appropriate to suggest he get professional help either with his drink/drug abuse or counselling for his 'rough times'
As you said yourself, unless he is willing to help himself, nothing you can do will change the situation. Sadly, as I know you care about him, I suggest you leave well alone.

stwa

He was drunk last night even though he claims he wasn't. He called me 14 times. He texted me that he wanted to talk to me. I didn't pick up the phone. He wanted me to hang out with him because he said he's lonely. I didn't go. I told him not when he's drunk. I don't want to just walk away. I WILL NOT hang out with him when he's been drinking or drunk ever again. If he really needs to talk he can talk to me when he's not drunk. If thats never then thats fine.

I feel I deserve that. I can't walk away completely. I in no way want a romantic relationship with him AT ALL EVER. I learned my lesson the first time I dumped him years ago. I gave him the chance to prove he changed and he abused it by disrespecting me so the door to a romantic relationship of any kind is closed. I just want him to know if he hits rock bottom and needs someone to listen to talk to I will be there because I know he has nobody he can talk to openly about that. And I know if I was in his situation I would be so broken if nobody showed they cared in my darkest moments. I'm a smart girl though and would never let someone elses demons jeopardize my future. I have not initiated contact with him at all its always been him.

I just hate the fact that I feel used. Like he never has even had any real feelings for me. I feel like I cant tell when hes genuine and just assume he never is. I want to just believe he is a horrible person with no emotion but I know that can't be true. Thats what makes it painful. When you can see that hurt and pain in someones eyes. I hope he just realizes one day he has potential and a great future if he just begins to be honest with himself.