FaithNhope12

My AH is in rehab right now. He says he's going to go to meetings and do step work and get a sponsor when he leaves and wants to come back home. People have told me to do a contract and put in it all the boundaries you want them to do. Like saying he has to go to counseling and meetings and if he doesn't go have consequences for it which I dunno what I would do for that and it has to be a drug free home. If he gets high he has to leave. Has anyone tried this? Has it worked for anyone ? I don't know to believe what he says so just want some input. Thanks

JustAYak

The concept of contracts are good to lay out clear boundaries, but it's not like they actually force the person to stay clean. Nothing does that except the addict themselves. He's going to do what he wants...if he really wants to go to meetings and get a sponsor and all that, then he'll do it on his own without a need for a contract about it.

The only benefit I see to it would be that you are able to set clear boundaries up with him regarding drugs. Then he has the choice of following those boundaries or not...

suki44883

Boundaries don't tell him what to do; those would be rules. Boundaries are for YOU to decide what you will and will not live with. They spell out what YOU will do if he crosses your boundary.

Rules:

he has to go to counseling and meetings;
If he gets high he has to leave.

Boundary:

I will not live with an addict who isn't working a strong program.

A contract isn't really worth anything because you have no legal authority to back it up. If his name is on the deed or on the lease (if you rent), then you cannot force him out.

Attending alanon meetings would be very helpful for you. You will learn how to take care of yourself regardless of what he decides to do or not do. You don't have to live with active addiction, but at the same time, you cannot control what he does.

Mountainmanbob

well as far as drinking
my wife put me on lifetime probation
drink and she's gone
can't blame her after my last two major slips (crashes)
do I stay sober only because of her -- heck no
but -- I do understand her position and love having her around
I see having her in my life as one more blessing
brought to me because of my sobriety

so yes I would say lay out the contract -- can't hurt -- may help ??
MM

hopeful4

I had my XAH sign a contract. It did not do a thingand we are divorcing. My attorney did say it was good to have in case i had to go to court to keep him out but i did not. I think you can one time lay out your own rules and boundaries, just make sure your plan if he relapses. Beyind that, encouragement is about it. His recovery is up to him!

Txhelp

I like the way Ann put it. It is for YOU and a reminder to the both of you what you are willing to tolerate.

I had one for my daughter, after rehab. It didn't work....it looks more like rules and enforcing them were difficult. I don't want to be the police!

BlueChair

In family counseling with my husband, the doctor had us work together and create a plan of action for after rehab. He was responsible for deciding what he needed for follow up care, and sharing with me. Knowing he had a plan made me feel better. Its not like a binding contract and was never meant to be used against him because we work with a "team" mentality. His plan has changed and there was room for this (He started going to outpatient but didnt like it so he switched to only going to counseling). We talked about things like drinking, socializing with drug related friends, what would happen if he relapsed at some point. I shared my worries and we talked about them and put in the plan things to counteract them, and we agreed on an escalation procedure of trying to work out whatever between us, then next step would be talking about it in our ongoing family sessions.

That was our version.

FaithNhope12

Thank you all for your insight. I have a lot to think about. I am in naranon but I having a hard time lately. Recovery for us isn't easy either but I'm working through it.

chicory

Good luck , dtrim. I know this must be hard.

keep working your program. take your time and think and watch. their behavior says more than their words and promises or contract agreements.

hugs

FaithNhope12

Thanks chicory. I feel like I came so far in my recovery and taking 10 steps back. Ugh I don't like it at all !!! Gotta get back to that happier place lol.

inpieces314

This is not actually a legal contract. A contract requires consideration. Both parties have to lose something in order to gain something. Here, he is losing the drug use but is gaining the ability to stay in the house. BUT you are gaining nothing, and losing nothing. Hence, not a contract.

This is not enforceable. And of course he knows that-if one day down the road he decides to use again, he knows that there is not a thing you can do about it. And you best believe, if that happens, he will try that excuse.

However, that doesn't mean you can't do it anyway. IF he relapses, you can say he knew of the consequences ahead of time and this is no surprise. And then of course, you also have it all written out on paper to remember what you said-because you may forget. And then you can act on it.