four812

Yesterday I didn't go to work because I couldn't face it after staying up all night smoking crack. Today I made it to work and back to living the charade of life with my secret addict-self running the show.

Just like before ..... I always want one more. Last night was supposed to be the last, again. But now already I could be half planning to use again tonight.

I'm wondering if I can move back into recovery again and what can I do differently. I'm wondering why I can't find the drive within me to live a fulfilling and loving life.

I have a sense of what to do but I've given up on it. One of the most important things is that I have to stay in today. One of my biggest problems is that I relive the past, rehash the past, and fantasize of changing the past.

I pray for help. I pray for the desire to do good and to love. I pray for my desire to chase a high to fall away. I pray that today I can do my very best...heck even half of my best would be cool .... I pray to be grateful for my children and to care for them and love them. I pray to be good to my wife when I am with her and away. I pray to stop the lies ... These blatant lies I've been making to cover up my addiction. I pray to accept the confusion around understanding my higher power ... I pray for just one day clean... TODAY.

GracieLou

One day at a time. That is how it gets done. Sometimes it is on hour at a time. Hang in there.

four812

Thanks Gracie...so far I am seeing a little light today and on a good path. But it can change (the decision to use) in a moment. I have therapy after work so I'll be safe till then even if I have an urge. Afterwards I have a couple hours before my child's event tonight. After that is when I will make the choice to stay clean or use. Now... Just now as I write about it... My heart fluttered in anticipation of the opportunity to use. Funny how that happens; not the first time...after writing about something that I'm succeeding in abstaining from (food drugs cigs)

I have soft music in my ears and it's helping me see the good. Just yesterday my dentist was saying what a good person I am....even during my darkest times as he knows a little about that. He didn't know that as soon as I got in my car yesterday I took my first hit of the day. Right after feeling good about the nice words he said and even believing in my goodness. But I already had the stuff, I was waiting to get high during the whole visit) and nothing would stop me at that point.

So I've been at a hopeless place under the power of this desire to smoke crack. I've now smoked it 5 days in a row. Maybe today on the first of May I can stay clean for at least just one day.

rc4dt1

four, have you ever been to inpatient rehab? I read your post yesterday too and it sounded like you have struggled for a long time. just wondering if you have ever given it a try...

i truly wish you the best.

four812

Thanks rc4dt1

Yes .... My last time inpatient was 7 or8 years ago. I've been three times total. I did an out patient program two years ago.

rc4dt1

Ok... I too have been inpatient and outpatient. I empathize with your struggle. I feel like I have had enough... but I have felt that way before. So every morning I pray for God to help me stay committed to my sobriety. I KNOW its the only way I can find inner peace and lasting self-acceptance.

If I go back out I will go back to inpatient again... next time for 90 days and not 30 like before. I am now willing to go to any lengths.

four812

Thanks again rc4

So I read your post and what struck me was that I didn't want to pray that prayer. So I guess I'm in " I want just one more" still, or at least right now.

I'm listening to soft music and it's warming my soul, but now I realize I am not strong in my desire to stay clean.

For right now I need to pray: "I pray for the willingness to open myself up to staying clean today".

And I can tell that I need to keep praying like that.

GracieLou

Keep praying, get to a meeting, call someone, post and post again. I could never have recovered alone. Hang on! You can do it.

godsent3

Four812
PRAYER is what gets me through still today, ask him for whatever you need and watch him help you through this terrible addiction, he loves us beyond measure and wants better for us, give your life to God not to drugs! I'll pray for you to want to get clean, may God bless you, never give up!

four812

Thanks for your prayers and support.

Unfortunately I did use last night but did make it to my child's event...then I went home and continued. I was up most of the night scrounging around for pieces of crack and laying in bed and freakishly waiting for the doors to be busted down and taken off to jail.

That ..... after a good start to the day and this web site and a very good one on one therapy session.

But I will try not to be frustrated. It's a new day and another chance to get one day clean.

jaynie04

Hey four. I think the fact that you are here is important. I imagine your soul and your AV are wrapped in a death grip right now. When the AV wins it gains strength. Anything you can do to take power away from the AV and feed it to your soul will move you in a healthier direction.

You scrounging around looking for pieces of crack last night? That is feeding the AV, that horrid desperate split, I've been there. And when the "it doesn't matter tonight" feeling takes over, it is both a relief but also a kick in the gut because we know once again…same old, same old.

Please don't continue to feed your AV, don't give it any more power. You can do this, the fact that you posted here shows that you are struggling with this. Maybe look at outpatient again. When I was losing the battle I needed to throw everything I could at the AV to be able to loosen myself from the grip.

Assume that you will never "want" to. Act your way into thinking, don't wait to think your way into acting. Sending you support and hugs!

sugarbear1

tomorrow's past is what we do today....

you can change this!

FT

I wondered if you ever went back and read some of your old posts, which I see going back to 2008.

I "refreshed" one of them on the Newcomers to Recovery forum.

Maybe it would help you to see where you've been and how you got to now.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4626769

Rdphish

Just keep trying. As we say in the rooms..."Keep coming back". You'll get it. I've relapsed dozens of times. Just don't give up. If you want it bad enough...You will get/stay clean. Pain is a hell of a motivator too. When you've had enough pain and suffering, you'll get the gift of desperation. Ill Pray for you.