Hey four. I think the fact that you are here is important. I imagine your soul and your AV are wrapped in a death grip right now. When the AV wins it gains strength. Anything you can do to take power away from the AV and feed it to your soul will move you in a healthier direction.
You scrounging around looking for pieces of crack last night? That is feeding the AV, that horrid desperate split, I've been there. And when the "it doesn't matter tonight" feeling takes over, it is both a relief but also a kick in the gut because we know once again…same old, same old.
Please don't continue to feed your AV, don't give it any more power. You can do this, the fact that you posted here shows that you are struggling with this. Maybe look at outpatient again. When I was losing the battle I needed to throw everything I could at the AV to be able to loosen myself from the grip.
Assume that you will never "want" to. Act your way into thinking, don't wait to think your way into acting. Sending you support and hugs!