Thanks Gracie...so far I am seeing a little light today and on a good path. But it can change (the decision to use) in a moment. I have therapy after work so I'll be safe till then even if I have an urge. Afterwards I have a couple hours before my child's event tonight. After that is when I will make the choice to stay clean or use. Now... Just now as I write about it... My heart fluttered in anticipation of the opportunity to use. Funny how that happens; not the first time...after writing about something that I'm succeeding in abstaining from (food drugs cigs)
I have soft music in my ears and it's helping me see the good. Just yesterday my dentist was saying what a good person I am....even during my darkest times as he knows a little about that. He didn't know that as soon as I got in my car yesterday I took my first hit of the day. Right after feeling good about the nice words he said and even believing in my goodness. But I already had the stuff, I was waiting to get high during the whole visit) and nothing would stop me at that point.
So I've been at a hopeless place under the power of this desire to smoke crack. I've now smoked it 5 days in a row. Maybe today on the first of May I can stay clean for at least just one day.