It's time.....
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It's time.....
Stop Blaming Your Parents. Give It Up. Stop. Let It Go!
Harsh? Or do we need to let go? I have grieved and moved forward but I see many have not.
Harsh? Or do we need to let go? I have grieved and moved forward but I see many have not.
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What helped me the most was people who showed me how _they_ did it.
Being told what I should do was a of no use to me. I already knew that, I just did not know _how_.
What specific actions did you follow, jacrazz, that took you to a place where you can say you have "moved forward"? How, exactly, do you define "move forward"? What activities did you engage in that enabled you to grieve?
Mike
Being told what I should do was a of no use to me. I already knew that, I just did not know _how_.
What specific actions did you follow, jacrazz, that took you to a place where you can say you have "moved forward"? How, exactly, do you define "move forward"? What activities did you engage in that enabled you to grieve?
Mike
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I have been beating myself up lately, old stuff I thought I had sorted out came back to bite me in the butt. My mother is an alcoholic who has been sober for 35 years, I have a feeling my own sobriety is causing me to be frightened I am anything like her.
It is not as simple as letting go. The way we attach to our parents literally hard wires us…without a lot of work those of us who had rotten childhoods are likely to suffer or even more frightening, repeat history. And for those of us who were traumatized it will likely come up all our lives.
It isn't about holding a grudge, it is about trying to understand how the pieces of the puzzle were put together in the first place. I had a wonderful therapist who I worked with for a long time. It took a long time for me to acknowledge I was abused, I would talk in a whisper even though my parents lived states away.
There is a statement in the piece shown in the OP, "I did the best I could". It took me years to understand that that statement seems to put the blame on the victim, as if we are expecting too much. I believe most of us who had terrible parents will always struggle with believing we deserve anything at all.
It is not as simple as letting go. The way we attach to our parents literally hard wires us…without a lot of work those of us who had rotten childhoods are likely to suffer or even more frightening, repeat history. And for those of us who were traumatized it will likely come up all our lives.
It isn't about holding a grudge, it is about trying to understand how the pieces of the puzzle were put together in the first place. I had a wonderful therapist who I worked with for a long time. It took a long time for me to acknowledge I was abused, I would talk in a whisper even though my parents lived states away.
There is a statement in the piece shown in the OP, "I did the best I could". It took me years to understand that that statement seems to put the blame on the victim, as if we are expecting too much. I believe most of us who had terrible parents will always struggle with believing we deserve anything at all.
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Interesting article. A lot has been written about how to get on with your life after a trauma. Everyone is different. Some need more intense therapy and counseling than others, because everyone's situation is different.
I was raised in an alcoholic physically abusive home. Three things that helped me personally and uniquely were:
Emotional disconnect: I don't know if everyone can do this, or if it is the best. But at the young age of 3 or 4 hiding in my bedroom listening to the chaos I told myself, "These people are nuts, I will never be like them, and I will never be mean to kids when I grow up". And I lived with that mantra
Stopped drinking: As it happens with many of us, I drank actually from dawn to sleep as a teen and finally got so over my head I had to quit by 12 th grade.
Forgiveness: When I was about 20 or 21, married and in art school, I had a deep faith awakening. One day as I was reaching for the fridge door, I realized that I had to forgive my parents whether they deserved it or not as it was a basic tenant of my Christian faith. Opposed and defiant, they didn't deserve my forgiveness, I collapsed to the floor praying that I just couldn't. But I did. And it changed how I dealt with my parents from that day on. I didn't treat them as they had done nothing wrong but the anger and bitterness was gone. Forgiving IS really for YOU, not the offender.
I was raised in an alcoholic physically abusive home. Three things that helped me personally and uniquely were:
Emotional disconnect: I don't know if everyone can do this, or if it is the best. But at the young age of 3 or 4 hiding in my bedroom listening to the chaos I told myself, "These people are nuts, I will never be like them, and I will never be mean to kids when I grow up". And I lived with that mantra
Stopped drinking: As it happens with many of us, I drank actually from dawn to sleep as a teen and finally got so over my head I had to quit by 12 th grade.
Forgiveness: When I was about 20 or 21, married and in art school, I had a deep faith awakening. One day as I was reaching for the fridge door, I realized that I had to forgive my parents whether they deserved it or not as it was a basic tenant of my Christian faith. Opposed and defiant, they didn't deserve my forgiveness, I collapsed to the floor praying that I just couldn't. But I did. And it changed how I dealt with my parents from that day on. I didn't treat them as they had done nothing wrong but the anger and bitterness was gone. Forgiving IS really for YOU, not the offender.
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I have some mixed feelings about the article. Most of it is true, but some of it is also exactly what some people say in excusing their own bad behavior. Parents are accountable for their behavior.
At the same time, I agree that we need to accept them for who they are and move ahead with their own lives. I do appreciate that the article acknowledged there is no requirement to have a relationship with them.
As to the HOW I moved ahead with my own life: by focusing on myself, not in a selfish way hopefully, but in raising my children, doing things I love, putting something positive into the world, being the best mother and employee and person I can be.
For me, part of the HOW is in walking away from their constant negativity and criticism, SO THAT I can do better raising my children.
At the same time, I agree that we need to accept them for who they are and move ahead with their own lives. I do appreciate that the article acknowledged there is no requirement to have a relationship with them.
As to the HOW I moved ahead with my own life: by focusing on myself, not in a selfish way hopefully, but in raising my children, doing things I love, putting something positive into the world, being the best mother and employee and person I can be.
For me, part of the HOW is in walking away from their constant negativity and criticism, SO THAT I can do better raising my children.
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I think the most beautiful thing that comes out of those of us who had difficult childhoods and from those of us who acknowledge that fact and work on change, is getting a family of our own that can be so entirely different than what we experienced. My husband and I are not perfect partners nor parents, but we are a hell of a lot better than what we experienced, and I couldn't be prouder of that fact. I think my children have blossomed from my husband's and my deep commitment to be that change in our families' legacies. I recommend the simple but beautiful book: The Parent's Tao Te Ching by William Martin. It's theme is really how I hoped to raise my kids and I also use it to help "reparent" myself.
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes 
What helped me the most was people who showed me how _they_ did it.
Being told what I should do was a of no use to me. I already knew that, I just did not know _how_.
What specific actions did you follow, jacrazz, that took you to a place where you can say you have "moved forward"? How, exactly, do you define "move forward"? What activities did you engage in that enabled you to grieve?
Mike
Being told what I should do was a of no use to me. I already knew that, I just did not know _how_.
What specific actions did you follow, jacrazz, that took you to a place where you can say you have "moved forward"? How, exactly, do you define "move forward"? What activities did you engage in that enabled you to grieve?
Mike
Originally Posted by EveningRose
I have some mixed feelings about the article. Most of it is true, but some of it is also exactly what some people say in excusing their own bad behavior. Parents are accountable for their behavior.
Originally Posted by jaynie04
It is not as simple as letting go. The way we attach to our parents literally hard wires us…without a lot of work those of us who had rotten childhoods are likely to suffer or even more frightening, repeat history. And for those of us who were traumatized it will likely come up all our lives.
It isn't about holding a grudge, it is about trying to understand how the pieces of the puzzle were put together in the first place. I had a wonderful therapist who I worked with for a long time. It took a long time for me to acknowledge I was abused, I would talk in a whisper even though my parents lived states away.
There is a statement in the piece shown in the OP, "I did the best I could". It took me years to understand that that statement seems to put the blame on the victim, as if we are expecting too much. I believe most of us who had terrible parents will always struggle with believing we deserve anything at all.
It isn't about holding a grudge, it is about trying to understand how the pieces of the puzzle were put together in the first place. I had a wonderful therapist who I worked with for a long time. It took a long time for me to acknowledge I was abused, I would talk in a whisper even though my parents lived states away.
There is a statement in the piece shown in the OP, "I did the best I could". It took me years to understand that that statement seems to put the blame on the victim, as if we are expecting too much. I believe most of us who had terrible parents will always struggle with believing we deserve anything at all.
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Originally Posted by jacrazz
Stop Blaming Your Parents. Give It Up. Stop. Let It Go!
Harsh? Or do we need to let go? I have grieved and moved forward but I see many have not.
Harsh? Or do we need to let go? I have grieved and moved forward but I see many have not.
T
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Location: east coast
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While much of what is written is true to me it is too blaise' in its approach. I do not believe all parents did the best they could with the tools they had. My mother is a narcissist. My sisters and I were nothing more than caregivers for my mother our whole lives. She was a helpless victim of life and we mattered not at all.
I also suspect there are some who may feel being given life was not the best gift their parents could have given them.
I am sorry but I these artciles tick me off
I also suspect there are some who may feel being given life was not the best gift their parents could have given them.
I am sorry but I these artciles tick me off
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Originally Posted by happybeingme
While much of what is written is true to me it is too blaise' in its approach. I do not believe all parents did the best they could with the tools they had. My mother is a narcissist. My sisters and I were nothing more than caregivers for my mother our whole lives. She was a helpless victim of life and we mattered not at all.
I also suspect there are some who may feel being given life was not the best gift their parents could have given them.
I am sorry but I these artciles tick me off
I also suspect there are some who may feel being given life was not the best gift their parents could have given them.
I am sorry but I these artciles tick me off
I feel better now!
T
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by happybeingme
I also suspect there are some who may feel being given life was not the best gift their parents could have given them.
I agree with what HappyBeingMe says. I had only been seeing a psychologist for about 2 months, once a week, when he blurted out: "Your mother is a narcissist." But there were times when she clearly knew that what she was doing to me was wrong.
There is some truth to the article, but the "theme" is way off base to me. When people talk about "foregiveness," I come back to Mike's post from 7 years ago...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-parents.html
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I found the article a bit simplistic. I think anyone of us could have written it. He has to do something for his paycheck.
waste of time, unless it is all new to you, and you are a sheep and follow his directions. It just isn't that easy to soothe a hurting heart and move on to acceptance. The stages of grief take time. some take more than others.
I dont like anyone to tell me how to do something. I have a brain too, and can decide how I need to process things.
Heaven knows, a child who was told to 'shut up' always, isn't going to like an article like this which basically says, to me, 'shut up and suck it up and move on.
sorry, but for me, that would not have worked. time helped me to forgive. Time and a lot of thinking about things. And finding my own happiness.
waste of time, unless it is all new to you, and you are a sheep and follow his directions. It just isn't that easy to soothe a hurting heart and move on to acceptance. The stages of grief take time. some take more than others.
I dont like anyone to tell me how to do something. I have a brain too, and can decide how I need to process things.
Heaven knows, a child who was told to 'shut up' always, isn't going to like an article like this which basically says, to me, 'shut up and suck it up and move on.
sorry, but for me, that would not have worked. time helped me to forgive. Time and a lot of thinking about things. And finding my own happiness.
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