Forgiving my parents.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Forgiving my parents.
I have struggled quite a bit with the word "forgive".
My biological parents were alcoholics. They were abusive in all ways; emotional, physical and sexual. As far back as I can remember i felt a deep, consuming anger at them for what they did to me and the other children in the family. When I grew up, got sober and began the process of untangling my emotional mess I made it clear to them that they were _not_ welcome in my life. "No contact", as they say in Al-Anon.
When I became a parent I made it absolutely clear that if they ever came near my child I would take extreme measures.
Forgiveness was a concept quite alien to me, but I kept hearing many people in recovery telling me that my anger was causing _me_ harm.
The solution that I found, and that has helped me with many other issues, is to stop using other people's definitions and build my own. When I _fail_ to make my own defintion I find that what I'm really doing is using my _parents_ definition, and that is always unhealthy.
There is a difference between "forgiveness" and "absolution". I had confused the two words.
Forgiveness is to release expectations of compensation. Like when a bank "releases a debt". It's what I do when a child accidentally breaks a glass, I don't expect the child to _pay_ for the glass.
Absolution is to release from responsibility or accountability. This is _very_ similar to forgiveness, and is where I get tangled up. Absolution is what the HP does for a sinner.
When a child breaks a glass I do _both_. I forgive _and_ I absolve. What I have learned in recovery is that forgiveness is a _part_ of absolution, but only a part.
An adult is _not_ a child. Where I can _both_ forgive _and_ absolve a child, such response is _not_ appropriate for an adult. When I forgive _and_ absolve a child it's called "parenting". When I do that with an adult it's called "enabling".
I release my parents of all expectations of compensation. I no longer expect them to acknowledge the harm the did, no longer expect them to apologize or make ammends, to make up for the harm someway. I no longer expect them to love me. They never did and they never will. That is forgiveness. I no longer have _any_ anger towards them, that has vanished like a morning fog in the light of day.
As a result I also stopped expecting parent-stand-ins to love me.
I have _not_ absolved my parents. I do _not_ hold them free from responsibility or accountability. They were responsible for what they did, they are accountable for their actions, which is why I excercised "no contact".
If I try to forgive _and_ absolve my parents, my whole insides rebel. Doing so is against everything I hold true and moral. To _only_ forgive my parents, but not absolve, is what has brought me great relief and freedom. Separating the concept of forgiveness from that of absolution is what made freedom possible for me.
As a side note. My grandfather, who was the pedophile of the bunch, was stabbed to death in his sleep by my "ultimate enabler" grandma. She went on to continue her life of "co-dependency" with many other abusive people. My Father and Mother eventually died from complications of alcoholism, as have most of my Aunts and Uncles. I take their demise as the HP not having absolved them either.
Mike
My biological parents were alcoholics. They were abusive in all ways; emotional, physical and sexual. As far back as I can remember i felt a deep, consuming anger at them for what they did to me and the other children in the family. When I grew up, got sober and began the process of untangling my emotional mess I made it clear to them that they were _not_ welcome in my life. "No contact", as they say in Al-Anon.
When I became a parent I made it absolutely clear that if they ever came near my child I would take extreme measures.
Forgiveness was a concept quite alien to me, but I kept hearing many people in recovery telling me that my anger was causing _me_ harm.
The solution that I found, and that has helped me with many other issues, is to stop using other people's definitions and build my own. When I _fail_ to make my own defintion I find that what I'm really doing is using my _parents_ definition, and that is always unhealthy.
There is a difference between "forgiveness" and "absolution". I had confused the two words.
Forgiveness is to release expectations of compensation. Like when a bank "releases a debt". It's what I do when a child accidentally breaks a glass, I don't expect the child to _pay_ for the glass.
Absolution is to release from responsibility or accountability. This is _very_ similar to forgiveness, and is where I get tangled up. Absolution is what the HP does for a sinner.
When a child breaks a glass I do _both_. I forgive _and_ I absolve. What I have learned in recovery is that forgiveness is a _part_ of absolution, but only a part.
An adult is _not_ a child. Where I can _both_ forgive _and_ absolve a child, such response is _not_ appropriate for an adult. When I forgive _and_ absolve a child it's called "parenting". When I do that with an adult it's called "enabling".
I release my parents of all expectations of compensation. I no longer expect them to acknowledge the harm the did, no longer expect them to apologize or make ammends, to make up for the harm someway. I no longer expect them to love me. They never did and they never will. That is forgiveness. I no longer have _any_ anger towards them, that has vanished like a morning fog in the light of day.
As a result I also stopped expecting parent-stand-ins to love me.
I have _not_ absolved my parents. I do _not_ hold them free from responsibility or accountability. They were responsible for what they did, they are accountable for their actions, which is why I excercised "no contact".
If I try to forgive _and_ absolve my parents, my whole insides rebel. Doing so is against everything I hold true and moral. To _only_ forgive my parents, but not absolve, is what has brought me great relief and freedom. Separating the concept of forgiveness from that of absolution is what made freedom possible for me.
As a side note. My grandfather, who was the pedophile of the bunch, was stabbed to death in his sleep by my "ultimate enabler" grandma. She went on to continue her life of "co-dependency" with many other abusive people. My Father and Mother eventually died from complications of alcoholism, as have most of my Aunts and Uncles. I take their demise as the HP not having absolved them either.
Mike
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
Desert Eyes,
Your post really sparked a realization in me. In my case, my parents were not overtly abusive. In general,they are what you would call "nice people". This makes it hard to recognize the unhealthy things that went on in my household. Only recently am I discovereing that they were nice people, but not very good parents. i think having children of my own has caused me to see things that were not apparent to me before.
I am quick to forgive AND absolve my parents for things. I can easily say, Well, its not their fault, they really did the best they could and they didn't really know what they were doing." I can quickly put the accountability on myself for anything that I perceive might have been less than ok. For instance, If I become aware of a need that wasn't met or an injustice that was done I tell myself that it is somehow my fault for having that need in the first place. That need is a foolish thing or I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Somehow I make myself the "bad one".
I am seeing there is a pattern of my always being the one to blame if anything was wrong. If I didn't like something or if something felt bad it was probably because there was something that was inherently wrong with me, not them. It is a message that was deeply ingrained and I am beginning to see how it has permeated other areas and relationships in my life.
It is difficult for me to forgive my parents but still hold them accountable. I guess by absolving them I avoid the pain of fully realizing the damage that was done. It makes it easier to negate things or dismiss them as my problems or even see them as my "selfish" needs. It is painful to accept that your parents are not the people you wanted them to be or believed they were.
This is yet another area to work on.
Your post really sparked a realization in me. In my case, my parents were not overtly abusive. In general,they are what you would call "nice people". This makes it hard to recognize the unhealthy things that went on in my household. Only recently am I discovereing that they were nice people, but not very good parents. i think having children of my own has caused me to see things that were not apparent to me before.
I am quick to forgive AND absolve my parents for things. I can easily say, Well, its not their fault, they really did the best they could and they didn't really know what they were doing." I can quickly put the accountability on myself for anything that I perceive might have been less than ok. For instance, If I become aware of a need that wasn't met or an injustice that was done I tell myself that it is somehow my fault for having that need in the first place. That need is a foolish thing or I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Somehow I make myself the "bad one".
I am seeing there is a pattern of my always being the one to blame if anything was wrong. If I didn't like something or if something felt bad it was probably because there was something that was inherently wrong with me, not them. It is a message that was deeply ingrained and I am beginning to see how it has permeated other areas and relationships in my life.
It is difficult for me to forgive my parents but still hold them accountable. I guess by absolving them I avoid the pain of fully realizing the damage that was done. It makes it easier to negate things or dismiss them as my problems or even see them as my "selfish" needs. It is painful to accept that your parents are not the people you wanted them to be or believed they were.
This is yet another area to work on.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Extraordinarily well put Mike. Spot on as always. I think part of "forgiving" is acceptance. No longer denying that things were what they were or, more importantly, are what they are.
Being able to simply accept that things are the way they are is a big step towards forgiving. And like you said, it does not, in any way, imply absolution.
I can accept my parents for what they are. I can accept that they did the best they could with the tools they had available (which were limited, to put it mildly). I can not and would not, even if I could, absolve them for their actions. To do so would be lunacy on my end - I might as well try to walk down the highway blindfolded.
Being able to simply accept that things are the way they are is a big step towards forgiving. And like you said, it does not, in any way, imply absolution.
I can accept my parents for what they are. I can accept that they did the best they could with the tools they had available (which were limited, to put it mildly). I can not and would not, even if I could, absolve them for their actions. To do so would be lunacy on my end - I might as well try to walk down the highway blindfolded.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Victoria, Australia
Posts: 12
I forgave my mother and father (twenty years ago) after realizing with the help of Al-Anon that they did not consciously intend to make my childhood miserable, as THEIR parents were alcoholics and so only repeated what they knew.
But as an adult woman (with three young sons) and divorcing my alcoholic (violent) husband after ten years of marriage, they took HIS side. The usual comments were ... I must have provoked him, you're too sensitive and the classic line ... well, YOU would be hard to live with! (Because I don't drink I presume?)
My children were under 8 years old and my parents (their grand-parents) made it obvious that they thought we/I had brought shame and scandal to the "family" and wanted nothing to do with us. But as the years rolled on and my sons became rebellious, angst-filled teenagers and also, I had met and married my second (non-drinking) husband. My (elderly) parents decided THEN to step in and support/side with my sons against me. They gave them TOO much money ($5,000 a year, each) and constantly criticized and belittled me to them. My teenage sons thought this was wonderful and of course my sons drink and drug heavily today.
My parents have done the unforgiveable and helped turn my sons against me. Each time I try to communicate with them they say..... well Grandpa said this and Grandma said that about YOU. My heart and spirit are broken. I have forgiven again and again and again till I HAD to walk away for the sake of my physical and mental health.
The years are passing by quickly now and I pray everyday for help with all this "family" mess.
I have now seen four generations of my family disintegrate because of alcohol and it's far reaching ism's.
But as an adult woman (with three young sons) and divorcing my alcoholic (violent) husband after ten years of marriage, they took HIS side. The usual comments were ... I must have provoked him, you're too sensitive and the classic line ... well, YOU would be hard to live with! (Because I don't drink I presume?)
My children were under 8 years old and my parents (their grand-parents) made it obvious that they thought we/I had brought shame and scandal to the "family" and wanted nothing to do with us. But as the years rolled on and my sons became rebellious, angst-filled teenagers and also, I had met and married my second (non-drinking) husband. My (elderly) parents decided THEN to step in and support/side with my sons against me. They gave them TOO much money ($5,000 a year, each) and constantly criticized and belittled me to them. My teenage sons thought this was wonderful and of course my sons drink and drug heavily today.
My parents have done the unforgiveable and helped turn my sons against me. Each time I try to communicate with them they say..... well Grandpa said this and Grandma said that about YOU. My heart and spirit are broken. I have forgiven again and again and again till I HAD to walk away for the sake of my physical and mental health.
The years are passing by quickly now and I pray everyday for help with all this "family" mess.
I have now seen four generations of my family disintegrate because of alcohol and it's far reaching ism's.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Thanks for sharing that with us, Mike.
I can understand the need to make your own definitions too. In my way of thinking I see forgiveness as something I decide to do whether I feel like it or not. For the obvious reasons of recovery and to follow my faith-I choose to
forgive. My continual problem has been the 'not forgetting part.'
I had to define that for myself much like you did with the words 'forgive' and 'absolve.'
I used to beat myself up for not 'forgetting' and one day... the light bulb in my brain suddenly lit up! It would take amnesia to forget! The forgetting is not the issue for me anymore- what remembering did for me oftentimes was start up the old resentments. Now I can look at what happens and choose to understand why that person did it- or not. I can remember what happened and let it go because although I have understood the reasons why... it's still no excuse and a wrong is still a wrong. It helps me to separate the words 'reason' and 'excuse' because I can fully accept what I am forgiving and also keep a boundary of what is excusable or unexcusable behavior in the future.
I can understand the need to make your own definitions too. In my way of thinking I see forgiveness as something I decide to do whether I feel like it or not. For the obvious reasons of recovery and to follow my faith-I choose to
forgive. My continual problem has been the 'not forgetting part.'
I had to define that for myself much like you did with the words 'forgive' and 'absolve.'
I used to beat myself up for not 'forgetting' and one day... the light bulb in my brain suddenly lit up! It would take amnesia to forget! The forgetting is not the issue for me anymore- what remembering did for me oftentimes was start up the old resentments. Now I can look at what happens and choose to understand why that person did it- or not. I can remember what happened and let it go because although I have understood the reasons why... it's still no excuse and a wrong is still a wrong. It helps me to separate the words 'reason' and 'excuse' because I can fully accept what I am forgiving and also keep a boundary of what is excusable or unexcusable behavior in the future.
Adore
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 50
Hi, I'm new to this forum but a member of Al-Anon for many years...and I appreciate the thing that Desert Eyes wrote. The thing that gets me is How One stops expecting the parents to acknowledge or want to make up for what they did. How can a person be human and NOT want to atone for their mistakes especially to loved ones? How foolish and cold of them not to want to do that. Even if they do not know how.
I just cannot easily let go of the need/want to have a loving relationship with my family. This Desire is BURNING within me and I want to pursue it relentlessly. UGH.
I see in that desperate pursuit that I have become a borderless person - giving aid to them, playing the role of therapist to my sick, sick father. Just boundary-less and I feel BAD inside after having tried to pursue the man and his love.
Yet something in me expects that he will change. Each time. Just now I got into an argument and anger with him, he was rude, impatient, offensive, and even asked ME not to call him. yet this is the person I want to have the relationship the most with, the one I Can't have. One has to give it up, these hopes and expections and the only way I can see to do it is to replace them with others, but it is soo hard. I want to go backwards, not forwards...
More will be revealed...Thanks for this space and all the posts!
I just cannot easily let go of the need/want to have a loving relationship with my family. This Desire is BURNING within me and I want to pursue it relentlessly. UGH.
I see in that desperate pursuit that I have become a borderless person - giving aid to them, playing the role of therapist to my sick, sick father. Just boundary-less and I feel BAD inside after having tried to pursue the man and his love.
Yet something in me expects that he will change. Each time. Just now I got into an argument and anger with him, he was rude, impatient, offensive, and even asked ME not to call him. yet this is the person I want to have the relationship the most with, the one I Can't have. One has to give it up, these hopes and expections and the only way I can see to do it is to replace them with others, but it is soo hard. I want to go backwards, not forwards...
More will be revealed...Thanks for this space and all the posts!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Letting go of resentments was the beginning of the
healing process for me. To forgive my mom for physically,
verbally, emotionally abusing me as a child. I was told
that i need to do this a part of the process of recoverying.
Sure i have forgiven her and i placed her in my HP's
hands. However i can never forget.....
She was sick back then with her own demons
with alcohol and prescription meds.
Still, with her and everyone else along the way,
If i harbor resentments then it would fester
inside and sure i would drink again or die.
The pain and baggage is too heavy to carry
as i get older...its just not that worth it anymore.
At least not for my serenity or sanity.
healing process for me. To forgive my mom for physically,
verbally, emotionally abusing me as a child. I was told
that i need to do this a part of the process of recoverying.
Sure i have forgiven her and i placed her in my HP's
hands. However i can never forget.....
She was sick back then with her own demons
with alcohol and prescription meds.
Still, with her and everyone else along the way,
If i harbor resentments then it would fester
inside and sure i would drink again or die.
The pain and baggage is too heavy to carry
as i get older...its just not that worth it anymore.
At least not for my serenity or sanity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Arlington Heights, Illinois
Posts: 32
Thanks for the post, Mike. I have just recently been struggling with the same issue, however, I didn't quite know how to put it. I forgave my parents because I am my own person and they didn't "ruin" me. They scarred me, but those scars can someday be healed. I now realize that and that is why I forgive them. A woman at my Al-Anon meeting last week said something that was perfect...her husband is an alcoholic and she said that "he has caused himself more turmoil than he has caused us. Today we are doing well and healing...he is still the same and not getting help. He is causing himself the turmoil." I thought about that and thanked her for saying it. I needed to hear that at that moment because I was struggling with forgiveness. I also needed to read your post today, Mike, because although I forgave them I didn't want the fact that I was physically, emotionally and verbally abused to go unrecognized. I didn't want to let them off the hook that easily. I know I can't go back and change it, and that the "past is the past", but I couldn't just erase it either. Now I know it is ok to separate forgiveness and absolution. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: boston
Posts: 2
It was very helpful to read what everyone has had to say here.Maybe someone can help me understand what I am going through in regard to forgiveness.
I think I have more anger inside towards my birthparents that I ever realized. I was adopted when I was 8 after being in a household or abuse/alcohol/drugs/etc . I had to play mother for my little brother since I was 6 years old. Its just been alot. Now that I am 19 and in touch with my birthfamily....I am starting to recognize just how mad i truly am. I find it very confusing. Part of me is elated to know how my birth parents are, and have crazy hope inside of me that they can fix themselves for sake of their children. The other half wants to scream in their faces for hours.
I'm confused.
I think I have more anger inside towards my birthparents that I ever realized. I was adopted when I was 8 after being in a household or abuse/alcohol/drugs/etc . I had to play mother for my little brother since I was 6 years old. Its just been alot. Now that I am 19 and in touch with my birthfamily....I am starting to recognize just how mad i truly am. I find it very confusing. Part of me is elated to know how my birth parents are, and have crazy hope inside of me that they can fix themselves for sake of their children. The other half wants to scream in their faces for hours.
I'm confused.
Adore
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 50
My thoughts...
Dear Ashmash,
I think it's okay for you to be both angry, confused, happy, excited. It is alright and normal to have ALL of those feelings. You can contain many different feelings at once about the same person, or situation, and all of them are valid. Feelings are like a river. A person can be happy at one moment and then anger can wash over them the next.
The experience you described is pretty amazing, so you keep being strong and let the feelings flow and share them.
As for me, I think if I were honest about this issue of forgiveness, I would have to say that I can't forgive my parents at this point in time. I have the need to feel angry at them. Because I am hella angry!
I think I can forgive them only after the anger is over. As long as I am angry at them, I would imagine there is little room for forgiveness.
That's just me...
I think it's okay for you to be both angry, confused, happy, excited. It is alright and normal to have ALL of those feelings. You can contain many different feelings at once about the same person, or situation, and all of them are valid. Feelings are like a river. A person can be happy at one moment and then anger can wash over them the next.
The experience you described is pretty amazing, so you keep being strong and let the feelings flow and share them.
As for me, I think if I were honest about this issue of forgiveness, I would have to say that I can't forgive my parents at this point in time. I have the need to feel angry at them. Because I am hella angry!
I think I can forgive them only after the anger is over. As long as I am angry at them, I would imagine there is little room for forgiveness.
That's just me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there ashmash,
Yup, the whole ACoA life is confusing. I used to expect that my feelings would be rational and predictable. Today I admit that my feelings are _not_ rational. I used to have that big, tangled, mess of feelings where I wouldn't know from one minute to the next _what_ I would be feelings.
What helped me was to take 'em one at a time and work 'em thru the 12 steps of ACoA, along with a few good therapists. I also would take a broomstick and beat the #^$^$ outta pillow, that would cool of the need to scream.
Have you had a chance to call the local al-anon office and check out some meetings? Besides all the cool people they also have _tons_ of great books and pamphlets.
Mike
Originally Posted by ashsmash 
... Part of me is elated to know how my birth parents are, and have crazy hope inside of me that they can fix themselves for sake of their children. The other half wants to scream in their faces for hours. I'm confused. ...
What helped me was to take 'em one at a time and work 'em thru the 12 steps of ACoA, along with a few good therapists. I also would take a broomstick and beat the #^$^$ outta pillow, that would cool of the need to scream.
Have you had a chance to call the local al-anon office and check out some meetings? Besides all the cool people they also have _tons_ of great books and pamphlets.
Mike
In Recovery
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 259
Mike,
Well written. I hadn't thought of the word Absolution before.
I look at it like this: Forgiveness and Trust are two different things. I can forgive my parents and past relationships for the things they did to me in the past, but that doesn't mean I have to Trust them so that they do the same thing to me over and over again in the present.
And, have learned that loving someone and wanting that person in my life are--and in some cases, ought to be--two different things.
Well written. I hadn't thought of the word Absolution before.
I look at it like this: Forgiveness and Trust are two different things. I can forgive my parents and past relationships for the things they did to me in the past, but that doesn't mean I have to Trust them so that they do the same thing to me over and over again in the present.
And, have learned that loving someone and wanting that person in my life are--and in some cases, ought to be--two different things.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: south east
Posts: 216
Thanks very much for this post, it is incredibly helpful. I know that confrontation, which doesn't mean angry confrontation, but just face to face acknowledgement of the ways in which the person has harmed one, can be incredibly, healing, even if the person in question does not admit to any wrong-doing. Thanks for the gift of that word "absolution" to apply to this, I like it and I think that it is another piece of the puzzle.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3
thank you for directing me here. i have a feeling this will help me alot. because i too struggled with the meaning of forgiving. because i felt like by forgiving him, i would be telling him it is okay what he did, and its not. i will always hold him responsible and accountable.
thank you.
thank you.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
This was great reading Mike.
I forgave my mother for the past. What I have trouble with is the now. I have to forgive her nearly every time I see her for her stupidity towards me. She could NEVER give me a compliment. She would never have dreamed of saying she's sorry. Until only recently.
She had a fit with me because she wasn't getting her way. She hung up on me after the phone call. I used the "no contact" rule with her. I didn't call back, I didn't apologize.
She wound up calling me a week later apologizing. It was the FIRST time in all my life that I ever heard her apologize to me. I mean that. The first time.
From that experience I learned that taking care of myself means that I do not have to tolerate unacceptable behavior or demands just because she's my mother.
I forgave my mother for the past. What I have trouble with is the now. I have to forgive her nearly every time I see her for her stupidity towards me. She could NEVER give me a compliment. She would never have dreamed of saying she's sorry. Until only recently.
She had a fit with me because she wasn't getting her way. She hung up on me after the phone call. I used the "no contact" rule with her. I didn't call back, I didn't apologize.
She wound up calling me a week later apologizing. It was the FIRST time in all my life that I ever heard her apologize to me. I mean that. The first time.
From that experience I learned that taking care of myself means that I do not have to tolerate unacceptable behavior or demands just because she's my mother.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
While, I'm new here, wonderful post/description Mike!
It touched me very deeply. I think I have a pretty good handle on forgiving my parents. I keep in contact with them, and while never formally involved in Al-Anon, I know the concepts. I also know what I need to do to keep myself mentally healthy. I no longer let them bring me into their drama, outside of making clear what is right and wrong for my much younger siblings (I'll never let go of that co-parenting role, but much of that probably comes with having siblings that are 10-15 years younger than me).
I accept that my mom did the best she could as did my alcoholic father. That doesn't mean they can't do better with my siblings. I accept that it may be another 20 years to never before they admit what they did wrong with me (although I know my mom does somewhat as she has made changes and seeks my advice in doing better by the siblings).
I accept that even if they did both change and recover, nothing could take away my memories or replace my childhood. No matter how many times they said they were sorry.
I forgive them in so many ways. And I feel that I have clear boundaries with them and have protected myself well. Now if I could just get all of those other ACoC characteristics to go away!
It touched me very deeply. I think I have a pretty good handle on forgiving my parents. I keep in contact with them, and while never formally involved in Al-Anon, I know the concepts. I also know what I need to do to keep myself mentally healthy. I no longer let them bring me into their drama, outside of making clear what is right and wrong for my much younger siblings (I'll never let go of that co-parenting role, but much of that probably comes with having siblings that are 10-15 years younger than me).
I accept that my mom did the best she could as did my alcoholic father. That doesn't mean they can't do better with my siblings. I accept that it may be another 20 years to never before they admit what they did wrong with me (although I know my mom does somewhat as she has made changes and seeks my advice in doing better by the siblings).
I accept that even if they did both change and recover, nothing could take away my memories or replace my childhood. No matter how many times they said they were sorry.
I forgive them in so many ways. And I feel that I have clear boundaries with them and have protected myself well. Now if I could just get all of those other ACoC characteristics to go away!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What a well articulated post. I am so sorry for all you endured.
For me, what I learned in recovery was that while I may not forgive someone, or absolve them, I will no longer carry that resentment around on my shoulders. That is a million pounds of toxicity to carry. That is the part to work on letting go.
I cannot even imagine all you have been through, but I wish you a future of peace!
For me, what I learned in recovery was that while I may not forgive someone, or absolve them, I will no longer carry that resentment around on my shoulders. That is a million pounds of toxicity to carry. That is the part to work on letting go.
I cannot even imagine all you have been through, but I wish you a future of peace!
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