Alcohol Husband Left for mistress
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Alcohol Husband Left for mistress
I don't know much about thread or where and how to post them. but here is my story.
I've been with my Husband 14 years married 3. he has cheated multiple times throughout our relationship(12+) and i took him back and we got married, well he left me in July for another woman, came back for several weeks, left again, came back and finally left in september. from people I know they are always spotted in bars having a grand ole time. (i'm not a bar/partying person) but after 7 months he came back. of course he was drunk. well he stated that he wanted to work on our marriage, after several days he resented me and told me all these wonderful things about his gf and what she would do for him, (he wanted me to drive him to the bars) so i suspected that he would be leaving soon since i wouldn't do it. well he stated that he belongs with his family and he would be going to a 10 day aversion program, i agreed. well while waiting for his employment to set up the travel he tells me on the phone that i am the reason he drinks and he's happy with her and doesn't drink. but i make him the ticket he needs to go. he completes his 10 day program, and tells me that he wants to be with his mistress and wants divorce. i kept telling him he needs to go to counseling but he states nothing is wrong with him. and he leaves. just like that.
I've been with my Husband 14 years married 3. he has cheated multiple times throughout our relationship(12+) and i took him back and we got married, well he left me in July for another woman, came back for several weeks, left again, came back and finally left in september. from people I know they are always spotted in bars having a grand ole time. (i'm not a bar/partying person) but after 7 months he came back. of course he was drunk. well he stated that he wanted to work on our marriage, after several days he resented me and told me all these wonderful things about his gf and what she would do for him, (he wanted me to drive him to the bars) so i suspected that he would be leaving soon since i wouldn't do it. well he stated that he belongs with his family and he would be going to a 10 day aversion program, i agreed. well while waiting for his employment to set up the travel he tells me on the phone that i am the reason he drinks and he's happy with her and doesn't drink. but i make him the ticket he needs to go. he completes his 10 day program, and tells me that he wants to be with his mistress and wants divorce. i kept telling him he needs to go to counseling but he states nothing is wrong with him. and he leaves. just like that.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 5
Thank you for moving it into the right category, i can't figure out the "threads" or how it works.
I'm sad, and happy, i'm sad that my marriage with him is in the divorce process and i got "dumped"
but i'm also happy that our children won't be exposed to alcohol and anger anymore. although they are hurt by his coming and going, which i shouldn't allow.
but deep down i believe he has issues he isn't willing to face "he won't come to therapy with him because he says "nothing is wrong with him"
I'm sad, and happy, i'm sad that my marriage with him is in the divorce process and i got "dumped"
but i'm also happy that our children won't be exposed to alcohol and anger anymore. although they are hurt by his coming and going, which i shouldn't allow.
but deep down i believe he has issues he isn't willing to face "he won't come to therapy with him because he says "nothing is wrong with him"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Hiya kvlak . He didn't dump you . He freed you .
Now you and you children can finally live in peace away from his insecurities and affairs. You are worth way more than being second best ..or 3rd 4th etc.
It must be so unsettling for the kids when he reappears when it suits him only to put you down and tell you that you are the reason he drinks .
Let her have him . Your kids are lucky , they have you ;-) a loving Mum who puts hem first .
This is the beginning of your new life .
I wish you and the kids so well xxx hugs
Now you and you children can finally live in peace away from his insecurities and affairs. You are worth way more than being second best ..or 3rd 4th etc.
It must be so unsettling for the kids when he reappears when it suits him only to put you down and tell you that you are the reason he drinks .
Let her have him . Your kids are lucky , they have you ;-) a loving Mum who puts hem first .
This is the beginning of your new life .
I wish you and the kids so well xxx hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 35
10 days isn't much time in a treatment program. One of my favorite sayings...Alcoholism is the only disease that tells you you're not sick. By the way, the same thing happened to me, I have 2 small kids, it's been almost 2 years and he never once came back. My guess is she's ok with the drinking and you're not. My ex was out a lot with his lady laughing and having good times, until he choked her in the bar one night. That's the thing about alcoholism....it's a really good time until one day it isn't. His choices actually have very little to do with you. I mean he said you make him drink and he doesn't drink with her but they're out at bars? I wish I could tell you my life is great now I'm empowered and so happy my XAH left, but it's more of just a peace with it. I feel happy OFTEN, I'm closer with my kids and we are ok. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I feel lonely sometimes? Yes. But I no longer spend everyday in a fog of misery. It gets better with time. Hang in there.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Welcome to SR kvlak. No doubt his GF makes him feel free of boring restraints like children and having to curb his drinking. Now that you're divorcing I hope you are finished with letting him come and go whenever he feels like it.
Alcoholism is progressive, and he's on a path to destruction even though he's apparently 'not drinking'. I'm glad for your sake you're off the treadmill and can get on with living a sane life with the children.
He drinks because he's an alcoholic, not because of you.
Alcoholism is progressive, and he's on a path to destruction even though he's apparently 'not drinking'. I'm glad for your sake you're off the treadmill and can get on with living a sane life with the children.
He drinks because he's an alcoholic, not because of you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
WElcome Kvlak,
It has been over 2 years since I split with my XA and I am very happy now... as a byproduct of my cutting ties and going no contact he ended up getting sober and is in authentic recovery now. Sometimes they need to be alone to be able to process that they cannot blame someone else.... if you aren't in his life and he continues to drink you cannot be the cause! And trust me...you are not and never were the cause.... we can't make them drink and we sure do not have the power to make them stop.
Take care of you and the kids, change the locks so he is not careening in and out drunk at will. Boundary setting and taking back your power is SO LIBERATING! Go and get your mojo back .... have you tried Alanon? If the kids are old enough Alateen is great too..both are free.
It has been over 2 years since I split with my XA and I am very happy now... as a byproduct of my cutting ties and going no contact he ended up getting sober and is in authentic recovery now. Sometimes they need to be alone to be able to process that they cannot blame someone else.... if you aren't in his life and he continues to drink you cannot be the cause! And trust me...you are not and never were the cause.... we can't make them drink and we sure do not have the power to make them stop.
Take care of you and the kids, change the locks so he is not careening in and out drunk at will. Boundary setting and taking back your power is SO LIBERATING! Go and get your mojo back .... have you tried Alanon? If the kids are old enough Alateen is great too..both are free.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
When we come between an addict and their DOC (drug of choice) - we will feel their wrath. It's the way the disease protects itself. It's the old adage "best defense is a strong offense" technique. Funny, it works until we learn not to let it.
Now is the time for you to work on you and get healthy. I first started with reading here and Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I then added Alanon and therapy. I just recently got off the merry go round and am just starting to feel less dizzy. Time takes time but I still have lots of hard work to do on me.
Healthy attracts healthy
Sick attracts sick
And I am choosing healthy.
Now is the time for you to work on you and get healthy. I first started with reading here and Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I then added Alanon and therapy. I just recently got off the merry go round and am just starting to feel less dizzy. Time takes time but I still have lots of hard work to do on me.
Healthy attracts healthy
Sick attracts sick
And I am choosing healthy.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 5
I find it funny cause when i went into counseling, it was marriage counseling (but he would never show up) the counselor said "i can't believe your sitting her and not crying like other women who's husband cheated" i told him, i know i'm not the reason he cheats and drinks, but i need to help him, because he's the one who needs help. which right now he's refusing to get help. he's literally held my throat and forced shots down my mouth to drink with him because after i had kids i stopped drinking and he didn't like that. then it went to where he was drinking in our house by himself and he forced me to sit next to him on the sofa and put our heads together and i heard a click. what he was planning to do was put a bullet through both our heads. as soon as i heard that click, i knew what it was. i got up and ran out the door. i'm in college working on my second degree and i will admit since he works out of town our schedules are not in sync. but after 2 kids i'm all about my kids, their happiness and wellbeing, not mine. my life is for them now, i applied for divorce in novemeber, it should be done my middle of may, he came back and said he was trying to buy more time. i didn't ask him to specify it, but i don't know if it was between me and her or the divorce.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by kvlak 
he forced me to sit next to him on the sofa and put our heads together and i heard a click. what he was planning to do was put a bullet through both our heads.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Did i read that right omg !
He is not only an alcoholic , but a controlling abusive person & dangerous.
thank god you are free of that .
Please don't ever take him back , you say it's all about the kids and their well being, not yours.
Without a Mum they have nothing. You need to look after you to be the Mum they need .
You have just as much right to be happy .
And you can be , it's up to you :-)
Much love
Xxx
He is not only an alcoholic , but a controlling abusive person & dangerous.
thank god you are free of that .
Please don't ever take him back , you say it's all about the kids and their well being, not yours.
Without a Mum they have nothing. You need to look after you to be the Mum they need .
You have just as much right to be happy .
And you can be , it's up to you :-)
Much love
Xxx
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by kvlak
- he's literally held my throat and forced shots down my mouth to drink with him because after i had kids i stopped drinking and he didn't like that. then it went to where he was drinking in our house by himself and he forced me to sit next to him on the sofa and put our heads together and i heard a click. what he was planning to do was put a bullet through both our heads. as soon as i heard that click, i knew what it was
Maybe you've been married for long enough to think of his behaviour as normal, but in fact it's dangerous and abusive. He also seems delusional thinking that he is doing you a favour by giving you 'another chance'.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Hi. Welcome.
Have the police been involved? Have you documented these events and told the courts about them? Is there anything in your parenting plan to protect the children? Has he been abusive to the children? Do you know your local domestic violence resources? I will find the national number and post it.
Have the police been involved? Have you documented these events and told the courts about them? Is there anything in your parenting plan to protect the children? Has he been abusive to the children? Do you know your local domestic violence resources? I will find the national number and post it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I got somewhat desensitized to violence when I lived with it all the time, but it is not normal or right. This man sounds terrifying. Please consider having your locks changed and taking some other security precautions. The most dangerous time for you is going to be when he figures out you are serious about the divorce. Sounds like he hasn't quite grasped that yet, but when he does you and your children could be in real danger. Please take care.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Time to take back control of your life.
Figure out what YOU want.
Figure out what YOU want.
Originally Posted by kvlak
I don't know much about thread or where and how to post them. but here is my story.
I've been with my Husband 14 years married 3. he has cheated multiple times throughout our relationship(12+) and i took him back and we got married, well he left me in July for another woman, came back for several weeks, left again, came back and finally left in september. from people I know they are always spotted in bars having a grand ole time. (i'm not a bar/partying person) but after 7 months he came back. of course he was drunk. well he stated that he wanted to work on our marriage, after several days he resented me and told me all these wonderful things about his gf and what she would do for him, (he wanted me to drive him to the bars) so i suspected that he would be leaving soon since i wouldn't do it. well he stated that he belongs with his family and he would be going to a 10 day aversion program, i agreed. well while waiting for his employment to set up the travel he tells me on the phone that i am the reason he drinks and he's happy with her and doesn't drink. but i make him the ticket he needs to go. he completes his 10 day program, and tells me that he wants to be with his mistress and wants divorce. i kept telling him he needs to go to counseling but he states nothing is wrong with him. and he leaves. just like that.
I've been with my Husband 14 years married 3. he has cheated multiple times throughout our relationship(12+) and i took him back and we got married, well he left me in July for another woman, came back for several weeks, left again, came back and finally left in september. from people I know they are always spotted in bars having a grand ole time. (i'm not a bar/partying person) but after 7 months he came back. of course he was drunk. well he stated that he wanted to work on our marriage, after several days he resented me and told me all these wonderful things about his gf and what she would do for him, (he wanted me to drive him to the bars) so i suspected that he would be leaving soon since i wouldn't do it. well he stated that he belongs with his family and he would be going to a 10 day aversion program, i agreed. well while waiting for his employment to set up the travel he tells me on the phone that i am the reason he drinks and he's happy with her and doesn't drink. but i make him the ticket he needs to go. he completes his 10 day program, and tells me that he wants to be with his mistress and wants divorce. i kept telling him he needs to go to counseling but he states nothing is wrong with him. and he leaves. just like that.
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