Alcohol Husband Left for mistress
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I am so glad you found this forum. Do some reading, it will be of great help to you.
He needs help that you cannot give him. He could kill you, then where would your kids be?
The thing about needing help is that you have to want it and be open to receiving help before anyone or anything can help. Unfortunately some people don't have a "bottom" so to speak. Some do. It is up to them to find that. There is help out there all over the place, but getting them to accept it is something you nor anyone else can accomplish.
It sounds like you have taken alot of emoational and physical abuse. I hope you are going to continue in therapy FOR YOU and for your children.
Keep posting, you are not alone!
God Bless!
He needs help that you cannot give him. He could kill you, then where would your kids be?
The thing about needing help is that you have to want it and be open to receiving help before anyone or anything can help. Unfortunately some people don't have a "bottom" so to speak. Some do. It is up to them to find that. There is help out there all over the place, but getting them to accept it is something you nor anyone else can accomplish.
It sounds like you have taken alot of emoational and physical abuse. I hope you are going to continue in therapy FOR YOU and for your children.
Keep posting, you are not alone!
God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Sheesh. And here I thought my ex was extreme....ly messed up. Honey, I say this as kindly as I can. This guy...he will kill you one day if you don't get away. None of what I read in your posts is normal...and honestly, you are not the one that can help him. You are not the one that can save him, or make it better or fix him. He is way way WAY beyond any point where normal marriage counseling would help him. He sounds addicted, unstable, abusive, gee, what else? Crazy. Toxic. I had one of those, but he sounds almost tame compared to yours. And that is shocking. Which really just made me cry, when I read your post about the gun thing and the being forced to drink shots. I have heard a lot of ugly stuff on here, and been through a lot of ugly with mine, but jumping jiminy Xmas that takes the cake. NO CONTACT is what you need. And possibly moving 2000 miles away in the opposite direction. I dunno. Just get away from this guy now, because if you don't, one day, he likely WILL kill you. It only takes once to get dead. In this sort of situation, I am not sure, and some people on here might have this answer, but I think it is possible to rush a divorce, when the abuser is so dangerous. It would be very wise to contact a DV hotline too. There are resources they can provide you with for appropriate counseling, legal help, etc. As others have said, this is freedom, this is your opportunity for escape from this hell into a better life for you and your kids. You need to be strong, for their sakes. Change the locks, move elsewhere, do whatever it takes to keep this one out of your life. You don't need to worry about him, or feel sorry for him. The only ones you need to focus on is you and your kids. And really, YOU, because taking care of YOU helps your kids so much.
I want you to know, today, you made my day brighter, you know why? Because you are ALIVE. I am so so SO f#%#@*#$# thankful that you are alive and have survived all of that. Please, focus on you. And your kids. Do whatever it takes to keep this guy away.
I want you to know, today, you made my day brighter, you know why? Because you are ALIVE. I am so so SO f#%#@*#$# thankful that you are alive and have survived all of that. Please, focus on you. And your kids. Do whatever it takes to keep this guy away.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Sweetheart, be happy he's with the gf and not with you. Someone else gets to deal with him. I highly suggest getting yourself into counseling. You need help, too. Choosing to be with an abusive addict and acting like it's just another day at the park is NOT healthy. He could have killed you. He will seek his own treatment if he's ever ready. That's nothing to do with you. IMHO, you and the children are much better off without that psycho in your lives. Your safety comes first. Protect yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
kvlak,
I agree that he has freed you from what was a controlling and abusive relationship.
I know, because I, too, used to be in one. In my case, I was the one who chose to leave -- and I think in a way it may be easier when you are the one who makes the decision?
Either way. I'm glad you're here. There's a lot of experience, knowledge, and information about alcoholism here -- and also about what living with an alcoholic does to you.
You're right that he has a problem -- even if he's not aware of it. And it's a good thing if he decides he's happy with his GF -- let him be happy with her, and you be happy on your own. With your kids. Who -- you are right again -- will benefit tremendously from not having to deal with the unpredictable behavior of an addict.
When you feel you have the strength, you could contact a domestic violence hotline and talk to a counselor there:
What you have been through is difficult stuff. Even if you don't feel it right now. It took me three years after leaving before I could start allowing my feelings to surface. And that's OK. Just don't be scared if feelings you haven't acknowledged come popping up.
Thinking of you.
I agree that he has freed you from what was a controlling and abusive relationship.
I know, because I, too, used to be in one. In my case, I was the one who chose to leave -- and I think in a way it may be easier when you are the one who makes the decision?
Either way. I'm glad you're here. There's a lot of experience, knowledge, and information about alcoholism here -- and also about what living with an alcoholic does to you.
You're right that he has a problem -- even if he's not aware of it. And it's a good thing if he decides he's happy with his GF -- let him be happy with her, and you be happy on your own. With your kids. Who -- you are right again -- will benefit tremendously from not having to deal with the unpredictable behavior of an addict.
When you feel you have the strength, you could contact a domestic violence hotline and talk to a counselor there:
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
Thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
A lot of us put up with some crazy stuff, even dangerous, when we were with active A's. I remember sitting in my counselor's office after I got in the car when my A was trashed drunk and driving. We hit another car. I was kicking myself, why did I get in that car??? I know not to get in when there's a drunk behind the wheel, don't I? He used the example of a frog in water, and it's always stuck with me.
Put a frog in a pot of water, and turn the heat up slowly over time until it boils. That frog won't jump out, by the time the water boils it's too late and he dies. But drop a frog into a pot of already boiling water, and he jumps right out. Most of us put up with slowly escalating sickness and abuse over time. It sort of becomes our "norm" and we don't jump. If your husband had put a gun to your head on your first date....you would have run and not looked back. But over time.....you put up with more and more until you're in a dangerous situation.
Call the DV hotline, get support and help as you move through your divorce. Protect you and your children. You will look back one day and see everything clear as day.
Put a frog in a pot of water, and turn the heat up slowly over time until it boils. That frog won't jump out, by the time the water boils it's too late and he dies. But drop a frog into a pot of already boiling water, and he jumps right out. Most of us put up with slowly escalating sickness and abuse over time. It sort of becomes our "norm" and we don't jump. If your husband had put a gun to your head on your first date....you would have run and not looked back. But over time.....you put up with more and more until you're in a dangerous situation.
Call the DV hotline, get support and help as you move through your divorce. Protect you and your children. You will look back one day and see everything clear as day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
1-800-799-7233
Also, the web page has some definitions of abuse. If I know only 1 thing, I know that attempted homicide counts as abuse. Also, if you ever bring it up and he tries to downplay it or make it seem like it was just a joke, that is total BS and just an attempt to make you think you're crazy. Do not fall for this crap anymore.
1-800-799-7233
Also, the web page has some definitions of abuse. If I know only 1 thing, I know that attempted homicide counts as abuse. Also, if you ever bring it up and he tries to downplay it or make it seem like it was just a joke, that is total BS and just an attempt to make you think you're crazy. Do not fall for this crap anymore.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by kvlak 
I find it funny cause when i went into counseling, it was marriage counseling (but he would never show up) the counselor said "i can't believe your sitting her and not crying like other women who's husband cheated" i told him, i know i'm not the reason he cheats and drinks, but i need to help him, because he's the one who needs help. which right now he's refusing to get help. he's literally held my throat and forced shots down my mouth to drink with him because after i had kids i stopped drinking and he didn't like that. then it went to where he was drinking in our house by himself and he forced me to sit next to him on the sofa and put our heads together and i heard a click. what he was planning to do was put a bullet through both our heads. as soon as i heard that click, i knew what it was. i got up and ran out the door. i'm in college working on my second degree and i will admit since he works out of town our schedules are not in sync. but after 2 kids i'm all about my kids, their happiness and wellbeing, not mine. my life is for them now, i applied for divorce in novemeber, it should be done my middle of may, he came back and said he was trying to buy more time. i didn't ask him to specify it, but i don't know if it was between me and her or the divorce.
I had a h3llish marriage. Did you ever hear the story about the frog. The one where if you put the frog in cold water, and put it on the stove and slowly heat up the water, the frog will stay, most likely till it dies. You put that frog in boiling water the frog will either jump out immediately, or just die.
I was the frog that went into the cold water. What this means is that the abuse builds up slowly, a little bit at a time. It's so slow, that you don't even realize things are changing, but they are. The more abuse you tolerate, it becomes almost normal, then it is upped a bit. But you still think it is normal, because you no longer know what normal is.
He put a gun to his head, with your head right next to it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wanted to kill the both of you !!!!!!!!!!!!! But I don't know, what happened? Did he say he was joking about this, that the gun wasn't loaded?
Whatever it was, I am just glad that you are here. I am glad that you are searching out, and reaching out for support, love, understanding, and just wanting to be with people that can understand you. I do understand.
I'm here for you and so is this forum. You aren't alone anymore.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi again, just wanted to tell you again that we know here. Thanks again for sharing, and thanks for letting us into your life. I know you posted early in the morning, or at least early in the morning for us in the US. I do hope that you come back and read all the supportive posts that you have received. Just remember, you can talk to us, and we do love you. My heart goes out to you.
(((((hugs)))))
Good night.
(((((hugs)))))
Good night.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 87
Kvlak, I've read your story. I want to hug you because I know you are in pain. But I also want to cheer and celebrate because you and your children are free now. Life will get better for you. You are a strong woman. We can see this by all you have fought your way through. Seize your freedom in both hands and escape.
We'll all be here for you when you want advice or need support or want to tell us your successes. Wishing you joy
We'll all be here for you when you want advice or need support or want to tell us your successes. Wishing you joy
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