letsgowithJ

I'm an alcoholic...I want to get that out of the way to say that what I'm going to say next does not suggest that I am in some other category. And basically I need to kick my problem because I have a ton to lose...

...but having a ton to lose has clouded my recovery because I can always look at others who have less (or destroyed what they have)...a lot of people who don't even think they have a problem at all...and look at what I've accomplished (and avoided) and trick myself into thinking that being a functional alcoholic is ok.

I'm in a happy marriage, make good money, I'm well educated, and have two wonderful kids who I love and I am a good dad for. I've never been in trouble with the law (one speeding ticket, once). And only my closest friends and wife really know how bad my problem with alcohol is. And even of those that know, they're not judgmental because they usually keep pace with me when drinking. Most people that see me out see me as a happy drunk who cracks jokes and doles out compliments when drunk. They of course don't see me pee places I shouldn't, sleeping on the floor, and the moments I excuse myself to the bathroom to puke and rally--not cute as a 30 year old. In fact nobody has ever told me things need to change but myself and my wife.

This doesn't change the fact that I'm an alcoholic. If I drink one drink, it's hard to stop before make it to 10 drinks and once alcohol's in my system I like it to stay there. While my family is pretty happy, the biggest risk to dismantling it is my drinking. Every time I relapse, I see my wife get a little sadder and more disappointed.

Part of the functionality of my alcoholism is that I've always been at war with it. I went to AA the first time 10 years ago...as I was drunk or high pretty much everyday most of the day. In retrospect I had no chance back then. I faced chronic depression, a turbulent upbringing, anxiety, mood issues and my 21st birthday. Alcohol was a decent medicine for all of those, and I first had to quit hard drugs which I did in 2005. Quitting drugs put me in a sustainable pattern after college when I moved to New York, where heavy drinking was accepted like college. I met my wife, a Mormon of all things, and we were happy. My heavy drinking was socially acceptable and like I said I'm a pretty happy drunk...so save for a few times when I passed out in bad places or threw up in the street, I could make up for my drinking in other ways...it was my early 20s.

I promised my wife I'd quit by 28, then when my first son was born, then a couple times since. I've made a lot of strides in my recovery. I've worked through my mood and anxiety issues, talked through my unhappy childhood, and generally have stopped needing alcohol for sleep, stress relief, and happiness. As such I spent most of 2013 sober (relapsed around the christmas to nye time fram) and was sober again from Jan 2nd through April 17th. I relapsed as my wife and kids left town for spring break and a best friend of mine (and old drinking) buddy randomly happened to show up to town. I also got a random fat check in the mail that I wasn't expecting and long story short I spent yesterday sobering up from 20+ drinks over a 2 day period.

I will legitimately have little problem making it 2 months...if progress holds up I can probably make it 4 or 5 months this time. I have few cravings once the alcohol is out of my system and I never thought I'd say this but I like being sober and I'm an overall happy person. For 2 months I am usually free from cravings (the occasional ice cold beer sounds alluring), but then I start getting nostalgic for my early 20s...both the substance and the highs of the time (falling in love, the possibilities of life). And eventually I start looking for ways to have my cake and eat it too.

I will forget how bad I feel right now for slipping up. In this last case I thought that what my wife didn't know wouldn't hurt her, but I realized that when I saw her keeping the secret was creating space between me and her, and was going to be poison to any true recovery, so I fessed up.

According to AA, I'm back at the starting point. Something feels untrue about that because I've made a lot of progress. I've had less to drink this year so far than any year, and it's been a pattern that every year since 2005 includes less substances.

So I write this for a couple of reasons.

1- I want to record my thoughts right now. Every relapse my wife loses a little hope and its hard to watch and know I'm doing this to my best friend in the world. Its cruel and selfish. My kids are young but I am shaping up to make similar mistakes as my father from whom I'm estranged. Life would not be worth living if I repeated that cycle.

2- Does anyone share elements of my story? I sometimes feel that while my story is severe to me, I have trouble connecting with other recovering addicts because my "rock bottom" moments are subtle...and my patterns seem a little different than most people.

3- Has anybody shared that same multi-month sobriety, having it be no problem, but constantly hit that moment of greed. It's a better problem than I used to have but I haven't been able to overcome that hurdle.

I'll start there...I suppose there's more but I don't want to write a novel.

J

StormiNormi

LGWJ, I can totally relate to your story. I was at my worst in 2007, and have steadily made progress. My first day in AA was April 19, 2007. I have had periods of sobriety, ranging from a few days to 9 months. Never celebrating a birthday. My husband has no faith left in my long term sobriety, and my drinking has caused so much heartache for him. I am truly sorry for that. I have never promised him I will quit forever, because I am aware that is a shallow and empty promise. As an alcoholic, not one of us can make that oath. All I can do, is my best for this day. I can hold onto hope that one day, if I don't quit trying; I will have victory over the compulsion to drink. I cannot get so complacent in sobriety that I come off guard. We will probably have to fight the urge for a very long time, but word on the street is that is does get easier, we just have to put in the time and work. I can't be so proud that I don't ask for help. I can't do it alone. You have made the first step of asking for help. Keep doing the next right thing. God bless.

StormiNormi

X

CaptainPolaris

Sure... Everyones story is a bit different and I wont go into mine bc i already have on here and people didnt take well to it... Nor was i looking for sympathy... bc I don't want anyone to focus on the differences but... I have one piece of advice that I learned from multiple promises to my husband, others and even God... Stop making promises! We are horrible at keeping them when we are in our addict mindset

FreeOwl

yep.... I share a LOT of your story.

I'm 11 years, two divorces, two DUIs, a near-tragic hit-and-run, several family incursions that left long-term scars and several hundred thousand wasted dollars ahead of you....

And STILL I clung to that notion that I 'wasn't as bad as..._______'.

And STILL it comes back to mind sometimes that maybe... just maybe I'm "Actually OK...".

Here's the thing; from what you have described - it will only get worse.

You have the blessing and the curse of choice right now. The blessing is that you have the opportunity to preserve all that golden wonder in your life, and indeed to magnify it a thousandfold by choosing sobriety and having your mind blown by how much MORE you will have to be thankful for in life....

But you carry the curse of having the alcoholic in you point out all the reasons why you're 'Just fine' and there's no need to be drastic.... you can just keep right on and just need to tweak a few things... control yourself a bit... make some different choices.... it's fiiiiiiinnnneeeee.

Don't believe it man.

Do yourself a favor RIGHT NOW. Choose the blesssing.

FreeOwl

" Something feels untrue about that because I've made a lot of progress. I've had less to drink this year so far than any year, and it's been a pattern that every year since 2005 includes less substances."

^^This is a fantastic example of how it works....

You say that.... like, RIGHT after saying stuff like this;

" but then I start getting nostalgic for my early 20s...both the substance and the highs of the time (falling in love, the possibilities of life). And eventually I start looking for ways to have my cake and eat it too."

It's not about how much "progress" you have or haven't made with regard to how much or how often.... it's about what inevitably is the result of your relationship with alcohol and how it impacts the rest of your life.

I'm calling BS on this not to make you feel bad but because I've been there, and you asked.

I'd submit to you that so far.... while you have stuck your toes into the waters of "abstinence" - you may not yet have actually begun working on recovery.

Hevyn

Welcome letsgo! I think it'll be a huge help for you to be here with us. I'm so glad you reached out for some support.

Much of what you say is familiar, yes. I'm glad you're taking a hard look at what drinking is doing to you. At 30 I was still refusing to acknowledge I was losing control each time I drank. I wanted desperately to find the euphoria drinking once gave me - and continued for many more years trying to moderate. In the end it led to 24/7 drinking and a ruined life. I never would have dreamed I'd allow that to happen. It took being brought to my knees to finally get it - I can't touch a drop of alcohol. I'm glad you're here - keep reading and posting - we care.

Riel

I can relate to your story. I think it's a fairly standard one given your relative youth. The "rock bottom" moments tend to become increasingly sordid as an alcoholic ages. If you're having difficulty relating to other people at meetings you're probably just going to the wrong groups. You should look for a meeting that has a lot of "high functioning" alcoholics (lawyers, doctors, professional types) and you'll find that not only will you be able to relate to them, but the progression of their drinking careers will be a useful cautionary tale to you.

You do have a lot to lose, friend. More than you realize. You're right to be concerned.

huntingtontx

Hi letsgowith. I can relate with a lot of what you say. I once said I was a high functioning alcoholic, and boy did I set off a lot of people. LOL. I never missed work, drove drunk, had a dirty home, did not take care of cooking, and never got in any trouble with the law. I drank at home only so very few knew I drank, but I did get drunk almost every night after my chores and work were done. I rarely remembered the night before, and had no clue to what I had said or who I may have called. I hated waking in the morning wondering. Yep, ever bottom is different. One thing in common is we all know the craziness has to stop. You can do this. You don't have to wait till your life is destroyed to quit. Good job reaching out now. We are all behind you one hundred percent. There is a lot of support here. You can do this.

lastcallsunday

I can relate as I view myself as a highly functional alcoholic, good career, wife, child everything going great. I even mostly am able to maintain and get drunk with no ill effects. However very occasionally the blackouts and embarrassing unacceptable, and uncharacteristic behavior.
The hardest part for me is most of my drinking experiences are positive and a good time with the occasional "bad night" so its been easy for me to justify slipping back since life is all good.
One thing to remember is drinking excessively, even if it is fun and you're well behaved and the life of the party is damaging. Liver damage, heart disease, strokes and general early death can and likely will be the result of overdrinking. Doesn't matter how "functional".

FreeOwl

one thing I've found helpful is instead of focusing on "I want to do this to avoid it getting worse...."

I try to set my focus on "I want to live life as fully and wonderfully as I can"....

when I ask myself how alcohol will contribute to that - it becomes easy to see that it simply, for me, doesnt.

CaptainPolaris

If you think about it you can likely say you cannot believe some things didn't happen to you. I have been given many free passes that ended up saving me from losing my job. For the amount of times I can't remember how i got home, i can't believe i still have a license etc. it's like the world is helping me be 'functional'. Until it was hard to be at my best

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you stop drinking for good.

sugarbear1

I can relate, too. I also attended AA years ago. I wasn't done drinking then.

Alcoholism isn't about hitting a deep bottom or becoming unfunctional. It's that I can't fathom living without drinking. That isn't normal thinking. Also when I drink one, I can't usually just stop there, it's a Go For It All kind of deal!

I have a living problem. I can't live without drinking. What do I do? The AA book says that "alcohol was but a symptom." Yes, it was.

I found AA again, made it to 2 weeks and didn't want to remain sober, but I really had no choice at this point (yes, it DOES get worse/progressive). I heard a woman share pain that I could relate to. She guided me through those steps quickly and I then worked those 12 steps 3 more times by 18 months of sobriety. Why? Because I struggle living without drinking and those steps helped me to learn about my patterns of behaving. I'm not a bad person, I just struggle and alcohol had helped me deal with Life in general.

There are other methods to help us stay stopped, too!

Rational Recovery, AVRT, SMART, Life Ring, SOS, and Women for Sobriety (mentioned for any newcomer women), and possibly other means, too such as counseling, CBT therapy, or just here, Sober Recovery Website.

Many paths to staying stopped!

If life gets worse in sobriety, AA might work for you. If life is ok not drinking, then possibly here or here and another method might work. Getting "nostalgic" is just your Alcoholic Voice giving you a reason to drink again. Binging, not binging, daily drinking or just nightly drinking, it's all part of the progression. Not being able to stay stopped IS alcoholism for many of us. 20 drinks in 2 days is really hard on one's body, be careful! Look up the NIH website and seek out "normal" amounts of alcohol consumption and you'll find you're over indulging and putting your body at risk. Did you hear about the man who recently got employed (I think it was in Japan or maybe China) and his colleagues took him out to celebrate....he ended up dying due to the amount of alcohol he consumed in a short period of time. We can tolerate a great amount of alcohol, something about our brain and body that does this to us....

and Binge Drinking will be added to the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for the medical profession, it will be listed under Alcoholism and possibly other ailments in there......

I found this site 11 or more years ago and finally stayed stopped almost 3 years ago. I stick with those 12 steps (at least one meeting, my home group, once a week for an hour), my sponsor and I meet another night, and Sober Recovery.

I love SR!

You can stay stopped, too! I wish you well on your sober journey!!

letsgowithJ

To be clear, Abstinence is my only goal. I cannot dabble. I tried every system. I do not have control when I start drinking. I really appreciate a lot of the responses. I do think that some of what I said above was unclear if I seemed to say that my problem wasn't a problem.

But when you attach it with examples that aren't in my life it is alienating. The "if you haven't, you will" response was exactly what I was afraid of, because I was hoping to get a little strength. Someone who has battled that 3-4 month window, had the same thoughts, but had a book, mantra, or just example of pushing through it that they could offer. Some hope, because I'm jumping right back on the abstinence train after a slip up. And I will make it a few months but have a similar temptation.

WHat I need to do is clear...how? What did you do? What did you tell yourself. How did you get to a year and beyond?

I don't need to be further talked out of my denial. That's been the "go to" and its easy, and if it's helpful for you to project...cool. But let's please operate on the assumption that it's not helpful here.

But most responses have been just lovely. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

FreeOwl

just offering what I have to offer in response to your request.

if it doesn't resonate with you, then no worries.

"If you haven't, you will" isn't what I said. I shared with you MY experience. Doesn't mean you will experience what I experienced.

I'm heading toward the 4 month mark. I made it nearly to the 6.... these are the things that help me continue to honor my choice of sobriety and work at it every day. Not just abstinence, sobriety.

So to be clear - I feel like I understood your message. What I offered was from a place of sincere response and sincere desire to help. I wish you well.

Hevyn

It would be hard for me to advise you. I say that because it was sheer terror that kept me from picking up again. I had let it get that bad - & was looking death in the eye. You aren't there. I'm sure others will have suggestions though.

bigsombrero

Most of us are/were functioning at relatively high levels before addiction forced us to seek help. I felt the same way you did: I had a corner office on Michigan Ave, a college education and a six-figure salary, beautiful girlfriend too. We took vacations to Costa Rica, San Fran, Europe. I'm bilingual, a natural athlete, and I always win at Trivial Pursuit. I saw myself as very different and quite frankly much smarter than the average addict or alcoholic. I probably still carry some of that with me today.

It's quite an elitist view, really. "Functional alcoholism" is a term we give to ourselves because it makes us feel better. We're not like the bums wearing pork pie hats in the cartoons, and we rationalize that we're too intelligent to be considered as a member of that fraternity. Truck drivers and waitresses come from different worlds, and while we wish them well, we have higher goals for ourselves. Right?

Funny how things change. I went from a 35 year-old guy with all that stuff listed above, to a single, poor, jobless guy by age 37. I spent a night out at the airport baggage claim because I didn't have anywhere else to sleep. My life savings were gone. As I went downhill, it all still felt like just a "bump in the road" and I continued to rationalize that I was a "functional alcoholic" who was just living through some tough times. It made me stronger. I was seeing how the poor lived, I was experiencing what poverty felt like, etc. Like it was some grand experiment, or a research project for a documentary.

I woke up in the back of an ambulance one day and didn't know how I got there. I'd had seizures. I spent the last of my savings on a cheap rehab clinic and spent 24 days with crack addicts, heroin addicts, and other alcoholics. I slept on a cot next to various roommates, some of whom had mental issues or histories of violent behavior. Many of my fellow inpatients were either just out of prison or stopping off for treatment on their way into prison.

Today I'm coming up on 2 years sober. I'm happy to have a job. I make 40K per year and help kids learn math & science. Nothing too flashy, no corner office, no fancy car. So by all means, if you feel you can only share with people who are "on your level" then that's your choice. But it might be best to start thinking about how you're going to get yourself together and accept help, support, and advice from anyone who offers. You can start categorizing and self-diagnosing yourself after you get sober. I hope my story comes across as helpful and not bitter - I'm quite happy now and I think that when I stopped worrying about appearances, it really helped me get on track. Good luck and welcome.

FreeOwl

hey BigS.... thanks for sharing that and helping me stay sober today.

Beautiful day in your city!! I'm headed out for a run along the lakshore... in town for a few days.

Tang

People have different patterns of drinking problems. Whether you find someone with your exact pattern or not, shouldn't alienate you from others with different patterns. All of us who have drinking problems are hurting either ourselves or those around us (or both). I hope you find the support you are looking for here or elsewhere. If it helps you, I have gone for periods of abstention only to fall to a binge. Conversely I have gone through periods of daily heavy drinking all while holding a family and job together. Both have suffered severely from my neglect. I wish you the best.