maggies

My husband has been sober since his Wed shift at work. I am giving him his anabuse pill every morning. He has decided that alcohol may be wrecking his life. I went down to his favorite liquor store and told the owner not to sell to him. My oldest son is failing a few classes and is angry all the time. I just found out that my husband has stopped paying his restitution from his last dui accident. He could be in a lot of trouble. He still believes he has a right to drive without a license and constantly bothers me for my car keys. I so have an appointment next week with a therapist so I am trying to make a change.

honeypig

Good for you for taking steps to help yourself by making that therapist appointment, Maggies.

I'm glad you are back and OK. Please do stay in touch.

maggies

My husband has had several periods of sobriety. The problem is that he thinks he can have just a six pack after work and within days hes back to a 30 pack.

littlefish

I'm also very glad you are back. It might really be helpful for you to learn as much as you can about alcoholism. There is actually a lot to learn.

I don't want to get off on a discouraging thread again, but an alcoholic will always find a way to drink and it is nearly impossible to control that. If one liquor store owner won't sell to him, he will just go to another one. The three c's.

LoveMeNow

Glad to see you back (((maggies)))

Finding a therapist was a huge step for me and the beginning of regaining my sanity!

maggies

littlefish, but I firmly believe that anabuse helps the alcoholic. The military first started using it and it helped my father when he struggled with alcoholism in the Army. An alcoholic CANT get drunk while on it. It is physically impossible. I've read a lot on this board and don't understand why people think it's not a beneficial tool. My husband has been in 11 rehabs. They don't work for him.

MissFixit

Hi Maggie,

Glad you are back. That is awesome about therapy. Between now and therapy, can you hit an al-anon meeting? Do you know where they meet?

maggies

missfixit, I don't think I would be comfortable with strangers face to face. The AA program didn't work for my husband so why would Alanon work for me? We are very similar in nature.

Mango blast

I hope you're doing well today, maggies.

There's something really good about having in-person support from others who've been there, who really understand. Some meetings I've been to have been better than others and there are all kinds of groups, some very small or large or in between -- yet it's interesting that in retrospect there is often a little nugget that I take with me from it. Sometimes I don't realize it until days or weeks later.

I needed to start reaching out for help for myself. For me, this was one of those ways. Therapy is a wonderful start. Sending good wishes for whichever routes you choose.

Alateen might be of help for your son in learning how to deal with his anger. (((hugs)))

maggies

My husband believes that he will only get sober through God. He went daily when he was on probation status and just never fit in. He said some of the people who attended didn't even have jobs.

honeypig

Maggies, do you understand that there is more to recovery than simply "not drinking"? You are absolutely correct, the A will become violently ill if he drinks while on Antabuse. However, this does nothing to address any of the other issues he has. I posted on another thread about how I'm pretty sure every single one of us came here thinking that "if only he would stop drinking, everything would be fine!" And gradually every single one of us has learned or is learning that this is not the case--the A needs to address his problems and we need to address ours.

Recovery from alcoholism is so much more than just "not drinking." It sounds as if you're relying on Antabuse to solve all the alcohol related problems, and there is simply no way it can do that. If it was indeed such a magic pill, this forum wouldn't exist.

Because of that, I'd agree w/the suggestion for you to try Alanon. It's an hour of your time, no waiting for an appointment to open up, it costs nothing--what do you have to lose? If you don't like it, then you go home and don't come back. But if you get even one useful thought, isn't it worth it? Keepingthefaith said it very well, I thought.

honeypig

Maggies, this is my last post in this thread, but I just have to ask this: Have you ever read the 12 steps of AA? How could this possibly be at odds w/your AH's belief that he will get sober thru God? You can certainly attend an open AA meeting if you want to see AA in action for yourself. If he is unwilling to attend AA, I would suggest that there is something more to it than the lack of a spiritual component.

The AA 12 Steps
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Mango blast

If you go to Alanon and don't like your first meeting, getting there and going in was the hardest part. Once you conquer that, it's worthwhile to go to at least 6 or more before giving up on it. If you really don't like one group, look for another.

AnvilheadII

people can and do drink and get drunk on antabuse...they just get really sick. antabuse is a deterrent, but not a cure.

you might want to try to have an open mind and check out various types of support for you. i'm glad you are going to see a therapist. you could check out alanon - it won't hurt you to attend a few and just see. celebrate recovery is a good option as it is very God based. you are still very new to the "recovery" side of things....you'll find what works for you.

as you said, he's BEEN sober for periods before. THIS TIME he's been sober since Wednesday - do you mean YESTERDAY? or a week ago? that is just a tiny start. have hope but stay realistic.

Catherine628

Glad to see you are back. I wasn't sure about al anon at first either. I do like the books. From talking to people after the meetings I learned about lots of resources in the community like a recovery library and church services that focus on recovery.

Funny you mention the liquor store owner. When my AH was at his worst I actually wanted to do the same thing you did. I didn't because I realized he would just get it somewhere else. The other thing was its a business and my H was probably his best customer. It really is up to the alcoholic to quit.

CodeJob

Maggie,

It really sucketh eggs when an A thinks he can moderate. I grasped that my qualifier could not moderate for about 5 years. Sometimes I told him but it never made a difference. I would get quite despairing to see his addiction coming first in his life. He was drinking at our house at lunch. Though of course he still insists that such action had nothing to do with losing his job. Nope. None!

"Beer is good for you." "Beer hardly has any alcohol - I'm fine." "So I like to drink a few beers- I'm not an A!""Every guy I know drinks like me bc of work stress." "At least I am not out at a bar. I provide for you - what else do you want?"

Of course my H drank about 30 cans too. I suspect learning that for him, moderation will never work is a major achievement.

Peace to you. Please stay safe from the chaos.

LoveMeNow

AA only works if you work it. The rehabs aren't the problem either. Like me, like you, your husband has to want, no.....NEED to change.

Also, AA has all walks of life. You husband is comparing out, which is very common for alcoholics who aren't ready to change. It's also very common for codependents as well.

allforcnm

Hi Maggies,

I just got caught up reading your threads. Its great news your husband has started Anabuse and it sounds like he is excited about change and sobriety…but yes he needs to work on some things like the driving with no license
I just saw several commonalities in our experiences so I wanted to post to you. My husband isn’t an alcoholic; he was addicted to prescription pain meds and would have been considered “High Functioning”. When he was just starting recovery, he went on a drug called naltrexone & it was to prevent him from getting high ..if he tried to.. it was considered a safety net of sorts by his doctor. We both used therapy for recovery… and relied on our faith in God. AA and Alanon were not a good match for us… and that’s ok....My husband went to a non 12 step that focused on psychotherapies, CBT and such. For spiritual needs we just became more involved in our local church; bible studies, fellowship and its worked out fine. Stick with whatever works for you. I wish you both the best….

MissFixit

Just because AA hasn't worked so far for your husband, doesn't completely mean that al-anon won't work for you. AA and al-anon are different and serve different purposes. A difference is that AA folks are the "patients" trying to focus on their drinking compulsion, al-anon folks usually start going to meetings to try to "help" their alcoholic loved one. If you go to an al-anon meeting you will meet a group of people (some groups are little and some are big, all groups operate slightly differently) who have the EXACT same problems and issues that you have with your husband and family dynamic at present. They are people who totally understand where you are right now because they have been in your shoes. They understand the issues with the kids, your desires to help your husband, and your fears about what to do and how to handle things. You don't have to say a word if you don't want to at the meeting. Most meetings last about an hour. Meetings can run differently, but many meetings are in a church (like in a sunday school room or rec room) with people sitting in chairs. A meeting leader reads something usually from a book called Courage to Change (it is an al-anon book with an encouraging thought for the day for each day of the year). There is usually a meeting topic such as "forgiveness" and each person can (they don't have to) speak for a few minutes about what that topic means to them and how they do it/don't do it/struggle with it/etc... After the shares, people say a prayer (you don't have to) and then they leave. It is not a great time commitment. The benefit is huge though for those people struggling, especially in the beginning of realizing they need help.

A friend suggested that I attend al-anon in 2006. I thought, no thanks, not for me, I don't need it. In 2007 I went to a meeting where everyone was 50 years older than me and I thought, I don't like this, don't want to be like these people. In late 2008, I went to a meeting because I had no idea what to do or what was going on in my relationship (he cheated and lied about attending an out patient rehab). I listened quietly and when the shares got around to me, I just started bawling my eyes out. I couldn't stop. Everyone was so nice and helpful and let me talk. Afterwards, people came up to me and offered to talk to me over coffee.

Many people have suggested this, but seeking help through several sources is really beneficial. Each method brings something different to the table. Therapy helps you figure out what you are doing/why you do it and how to change if you need to. Al-anon is group support with people who know exactly where you are in life. SR is online support that helps by guiding you/listening to you/supporting you and offering suggestions (different than al-anon). Reading about alcoholism was important for me in the beginning because I did not understand what I was dealing with. Although alcoholism is called a disease, it is not like cancer or a physical aliment. Addiction is more like a psychological compulsion and undeveloped coping skills. Most addicts do not get better, they get worse, so as the loved ones of A's we learn that in order not to go crazy ourselves with worry and obsessing about the A's drinking or not drinking, we have to get some help ourselves to relearn how to cope.

Barnes and Noble and Amazon have the books people suggested if you want to read at home to get a little more info. Codependent No More by Melody Beatty was the most helpful book to me. I highly recommend it. It is very short and easy to read. Another book that helped me was Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Another short and helpful book.

Take Care

Stung

Hi Maggies,

Glad you came back! So here is the REALLY crappy part about alcoholism: it keeps getting worse, even if there are periods of "phew, this isn't so bad!" unless your husband AND you AND your kids are doing something to emotionally heal then things won't ever be really better.

In September my husband got blackout drunk, during his blackout he absolutely scared the crap out of me (he wasn't physical but he was aggressive and angry) and I fled our home with our two small children to my mom's house. After I fled he trashed our house during his blackout. It was a new low. After that my husband stayed sober for almost 3 whole weeks. Those three weeks felt like the heaven opened up and sprinkled gold dust over my family, things were good, really good...but then my husband drank again...and then he found new lows after that.

Al anon doesn't need to be for you (it's not for me personally, so no judgement or pushing coming from me) but please don't rule it out for yourself just because AA isn't for your husband. You see my paragraph above? That's what al anon is like, its a bunch of people sharing their stories about themselves and receiving support. As for your husband, sounds like he has a major case of "but I'm not like THOSE people!" If he continues down his current path he likely won't have a job and will in fact be one of THOSE people.

This forum is a tool for you just like therapy and alanon are tools for you. Here, we don't so much care about how things are going for your husband, we care about how YOU are doing and we care about your kids. We want you to feel safe and secure and steady.

Lastly, I wanted to add that my sister in law still got drunk on Antabuse. I thought it was impossible too but they are addicts. They will do ANYTHING and lose EVERYTHING for their next drink. That's the disease part. It's a compulsion that is far out of their control and out of our control too.