littlefish

Maggies I have 3.5 years of first hand experience using antabuse.

I think the point I wanted to emphasize in my post was knowledge. Just because someone is an alcoholic doesn't mean they understand the disease: there is a lot to learn about it.
The same goes for someone living with an alcoholic. I was responding to the idea of asking a liquor store owner not to sell to someone.

The liquor store owner is in business to make money and alcoholics probably account for the lions share of his profits. He will probably continue to sell to anyone who steps up to his counter, whether an alcoholic's family member asked them not to or not.
You cannot control an alcoholics drinking, or enlist other people to do it.

hopeful4

When I kicked my XAH out he offered to go on Antabuse. The thing is, I am so tired. Tired of the worry, anxiety, and bad that has come out of his drinking. Tired of the bills, the worry about my children. So if he takes antabuse thas is great. However, I know just how it would be. First time I am gone he would not take the pill and drink. I know him so well. I am a grown adult and refuse to mother him anymore. Me standing there to make sure he puts this pill in his mouth for the rest of his life is just more than I can handle.

This is just me and my opinion. Recovery is as much about the mind as the body. If they mentally are not in the place to want it than it does not work.

I am sorry for all of us who have been touched by this awful disease.

God Bless.

doggonecarl

I agree it keeps the alcholic from drinking. Not so sure it helps the alcoholic recover from alcoholism.

As others have said, focus on yourself, as you are the only person you can control.

wanttobehealthy

Your post is familiar... It sounds like me several years ago. And I really believed at that time that I was doing something healthy for myself and my then AH (who is now my xAH). Your post sounds like a person so in the thick of living with an active alcoholic that you believe controlling his life and "helping" him that way is the way to help him get to sobriety. I imagine your hope is that you can help him stay sober by being the one to give him the anabuse and talking to the shop owner, but you're really trying to control his drinking and it doesn't sound to me like he's ready to stop.

Im worried about you and your children.

He has decided that alcohol may be wrecking his life.

If that is true and he feels it is wrecking his life, why not leave it to him to take the anabuse pill?

A shop owner is free to sell to whomever they like. The shop owner and the [QUOTE]alcohol aren't responsible for your husbands trouble. Your H is.

I feel very sad for your son. No wonder he is failing school and angry. He is living in chaos and your focus based on you posts here is almost entirely on your husband and trying to manage his life rather than letting HIM manage his life and you manage yours and your kids. Your son is screaming for help.

This doesn't sound like he is accepting at all that alcohol has caused him trouble. It sounds like he is trying to live life on HIS terms rather than on lifes terms.

Carlotta

This is really good news
I am glad that you came back here and that you are taking steps to take care of yourself.
As far as Al Anon goes, give it a shot: what do you have to lose? It's free.

AA did not work for your husband because he was not interested in quitting but obviously you want to change and feel better about yourself (or you would not have set up a therapist appointment). In order for any method of recovery to work, the person has to be willing. You sound willing, he does not.

I go to AA and I work: I am neither a bum nor a religious fanatic. I would suggest that you take in whatever he tells you about his failed attempts at recovery with a grain of salt and focus on yourself.

As far as talking to the store owner etc. if he wants to drink, he could always make himself vomit right after popping the antabuse you give him and get some beer from a convenience store or drive to a different liquor store or drink mouthwash, handsanitizer, cologne...when it comes to active alcoholism the possibilities are endless and there is no stopping or controlling an alcoholic who is in the midst of the obsession. I drank beer and I would make myself puke so I could drink more and not gain weight...this is the kind of craziness you are dealing with with active alcoholism.

Ultimately, it is up to him to have that moment of clarity when he realizes that it just cannot go on and then more importantly take action to start his own recovery.
Anyway, I am glad you came back
Be kind to yourself

Carlotta

I have never taken antabuse and came to recovery on my own volition (I m single and live and drank alone) but to give you an insight in the alcoholic mind if I had a spouse making me take antabuse and I was in the midst of the insanity and wanted to drink this is what I would do:
I would drink a spoonful of oil so it would coat my stomach (to delay my body absorbing the drug) and give me that icky feeling. Then I would obediently pop the antabuse and look so sweet and willing then hit the bathroom. Fingers down the throat and voila!
Pill was not absorbed, my mate is pacified and off my back because he thinks I ll be sober and I am free to drink.
Scary stuff isn't it?

maggies

Carlotta, my husband would never do that with the antabuse. For me it is a solution and I just don't understand why I have to work on myself. I'm sorry but I don't think my husband drinking situation is as bad as some of yours.

wanttobehealthy

Blacking out daily, 30 beers a day, peeing in the bed, about to lose his job, kicking helpless animals, paranoid, your 4 year old knows he has a problem, your older kids are crying for your protection and help by either not being around OR by acting out, he has DUI's and is still trying to drive and you're demanding shop owners not sell to him as a well to stop his drinking and you are feeling like he doesn't have as severe a problem as others?

I am very worried for you.

And more worried for your kids.

Your AH believes he doesn't have a problem bc that's what alcoholics do to justify continuing their drinking. And it appears he has convinced you of that too.

maggies

He doesn't drink hard liquor and rarely drinks in bars. For me, those are real alcoholics. Plus my view of a real alcoholic is that they don't have a job and are homeless. I'm proud of my husband for taking this step and he is sober. Thats the only thing that matters.

wanttobehealthy

Maggies,
This is the first post you posted here less than a month ago...

Are you afraid of what it would mean to say to even yourself that he DOES have a problem and what you would then do?

Im glad you are posting here and hope you will continue but I would be remiss to not post your own words and ask you to look at what you have shared and tell you it's ok to be concerned with him and his drinking even if you're not prepared to do anything about it...

There is a definite problem and you seem to know that but are now seeming in your posts to be backing down from it...

lillamy

I totally get this.
I felt exactly the same way.
Matter of fact, I was ANGRY at people who told me to go to Al-Anon. I wasn't the one with the drinking problem. I felt like people were nuts. Sort of like if I told them my husband had gotten diabetes and they told me to go get my blood sugar tested every day.

I think you can see Al-Anon as... using the diabetes example above... if your husband was diagnosed with diabetes, a doctor may recommend that you go see a dietician/nutritionist to help get a look at what your family's eating habits are like, and learn how you can improve them. You can't stop your husband the diabetic from stopping by McDonald's on the way home, but you can cook healthy at home, and that will make you healthier regardless of what he chooses to do.

I was pretty crazy when I lived with an alcoholic -- and mine never got a DUI, never went to rehab -- but I couldn't see it because I was so used to it. It was bloody exhausting spending my life making sure he didn't drive when he was drunk, making excuses for him when he had called someone up in a drunken rage and called them names, explaining to his boss why he was sick, keeping him away from the kids, making sure the kids didn't see him sleeping in his own vomit... I really didn't have a life. It was the hardest job I've ever had. And then add to that covering for him in front of friends and family so that his reputation wasn't tarnished!

For me, Al-Anon was a place where I could let all pretense go. Nobody there would feel above me or judge me. For four years, it was the only place where I ever really relaxed. I really liked that. Nobody told me what to do. Nobody told me I was a loser, or wrong, or stupid. No matter how bad I felt walking in, I always felt like I had just had a cleansing shower when I walked out.

wanttobehealthy

That was what I thought too.

I would disagree with your opinion about your H bc I think having 5 DUI's makes him a real alcoholic. As does blacking out, having your 4 yr old know he has a problem, his denial of a problem, your chidlrens avoidance of being home... those are all red flags...

Whether he is an alcoholic or not, his behavior is causing problems for you and your family and we care about you and your children bc of what you hae expressed...

wanttobehealthy

I am just going to +1 to this... well said...

AnvilheadII

He doesn't drink hard liquor and rarely drinks in bars. For me, those are real alcoholics. Plus my view of a real alcoholic is that they don't have a job and are homeless.

now THAT is some seriously impressive denial. you would do well to educate yourself on alcoholism and learn that it doesn't matter WHAT they drink, it's what happens WHEN they drink. like get DUI's...pee the bed...act irrational....be on the verge of losing their JOB for showing up drunk. or hey here's one...NEEDING TO TAKE ANTABUSE to keep them FROM drinking. non-alcoholics don't have that problem.

i'm not sure why you've turned this around and are now attacking those that have honestly tried to help. that YOUR husband isn't as BAD as others. all your problems should now be solved that he hasn't had a drink in a few days. kids should be ok too right? no problems there.

sad.

wanttobehealthy

Maybe spend a week putting the energy you are putting into your AH into your son who is failing school and angry all the time and your daughter who wont spend time at home and your 4 year old.

I am not saying this rudely at all.

Focus your energy solely on them.

Let your AH take anabuse all by himself and manage his life without you running interference for him.

And see how things are.

You aren't happy with things as they are and even if you are happy your kids certainly aren't so try something different for even just a few days and see what happens?

honeypig

Wow--I wasn't going to post here again, but this just floors me. You have 4 children, and "the only thing that matters" is that your A has not had a drink (so far as you know) for a few days? He is an adult and should be able to look out for himself. Meanwhile, your children need your love and protection. Are they getting either one? If you can't or won't help yourself, at least try to help them. You've pretty much dismissed Alanon for yourself, but have you offered the older children the option of Alateen? Some here have kids who've gotten a LOT out of it.

Carlotta

I guess I am not an alcoholic either then , I never even had a DUI or drove drunk!
Anyway, enough about him and good for you seeing a therapist and posting here. Are you planning anything fun or soothing for yourself this week end? Like maybe a nice walk in the country or catching a movie with a girlfriend? Something where you won't be thinking about him for an hour or two?

doggonecarl

That's okay. A stereotypical view of what an alcoholic is, or isn't, is a hurdle for us alcoholics too.

Being on Sober Recovery is the right place for you. Come visit us on the A-side of the forum.

hopeful4

My XAH has not stepped foot in a bar in years, has a job in social work and is yet an A. It is big denial to think that you have to be homeless and have no job to be an A.

It is ok. It's all steps.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Stung

My husband wasn't drinking in bars either. To even top that off, he wasn't even doing it in front of me or our kids either. No one knew he was drinking. He also owns his own business, is a prominent member of our community and we were going on weeks longs vacations twice a year at Four Seasons resorts. He is articulate, educated and successful...he was also drinking heavily and it was out of control. Like I said, it gets worse.

Funny thing is, a few months ago I told all of the freaks on this board that I wasn't like them either. But I am and I know I am because I sought this place out because my life was so unmanageable and out of control. If your google searches lead you here and compelled you to post for help, it means you're like us, regardless of the varying degrees of destruction our alcoholic loved ones have caused.