Day 90 thoughts
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 556
Day 90 thoughts
Ok - I mostly hide out in my class support thread, but I promised myself I would post something on day 90 despite my forum shyness, so here goes. 
My journal entry on December 30 said simply: "day ******* one. enough" I didn't even have the energy to hit the shift key, I guess. I had caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror after throwing up and thought so clearly, "this is killing you. You are dying." I hated the person staring back at me. I barely recognized myself - all I saw was a sad, sick trapped woman.
Day two and day three entries were a bit longer, both of which ended with me wondering, "what will be different this time?" I didn't have an answer. I didn't have hope or faith that anything would be different. But I had the desperation to stay sober one more day.
Over the last 90 days, I've been slowly answering that question, day by day. Building a different life, brick by brick. Brick one: posting on SR every day in my January class whether I had something to say or not. Brick two: the 24 hour club. Brick three: steeping myself in recovery related reading and reflection. Brick four: journaling, even if it was just a gratitude list, every day. Brick five: telling my husband I was done drinking. Closing the door with family members. Brick six: starting to tell others I don't drink when the occasion arises. Brick seven and eight came more recently: going back to meetings and working the steps. Brick nine: finding and naming a higher power. Brick ten: started consciously letting go of the past.
And so on. I have taken the approach that I am ALL IN and I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober this time. I have accepted that I can no longer drink, under any circumstance, EVER. You guys, I'm done. And while I have days, and will have days ahead where that is incredibly difficult, where I question my ability to keep that commitment to myself, I now have this fledgling structure of sobriety that I can shelter in, that protects me and I want to protect, that I can continue to build on.
One of the books I read early on was Ann Dowsett Johnson's "Drink: The intimate Relationship of Women and Alcohol" and I took this quote from it that I've kept close - a summary of a parable about a woman who loses her arms and regains them after some time: “She will have full consciousness of what she is doing and is therefore rewarded for her suffering, which is what Jung means when he writes that ‘a part of life is lost, but the meaning is saved.’”
A part of life is lost, but the meaning is saved. That sustains me. I will never get back the years, relationships, opportunities, money etc I lost to drinking, but I retain the meaning, and what I do with it is up to me now. I feel hopeful and alive and when I catch a glance of myself in the mirror now, just 90 days later, I'm not appalled by what looks back at me. I'm starting to see someone I haven't seen in a very long while, someone I didn't even know still existed, and I can't wait to see what she is going to do next.
Thank you, thank you, thank you all for being my first brick, the foundation of my sobriety. I don't think I would have gotten where I am if I hadn't landed here first.
My journal entry on December 30 said simply: "day ******* one. enough" I didn't even have the energy to hit the shift key, I guess. I had caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror after throwing up and thought so clearly, "this is killing you. You are dying." I hated the person staring back at me. I barely recognized myself - all I saw was a sad, sick trapped woman.
Day two and day three entries were a bit longer, both of which ended with me wondering, "what will be different this time?" I didn't have an answer. I didn't have hope or faith that anything would be different. But I had the desperation to stay sober one more day.
Over the last 90 days, I've been slowly answering that question, day by day. Building a different life, brick by brick. Brick one: posting on SR every day in my January class whether I had something to say or not. Brick two: the 24 hour club. Brick three: steeping myself in recovery related reading and reflection. Brick four: journaling, even if it was just a gratitude list, every day. Brick five: telling my husband I was done drinking. Closing the door with family members. Brick six: starting to tell others I don't drink when the occasion arises. Brick seven and eight came more recently: going back to meetings and working the steps. Brick nine: finding and naming a higher power. Brick ten: started consciously letting go of the past.
And so on. I have taken the approach that I am ALL IN and I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober this time. I have accepted that I can no longer drink, under any circumstance, EVER. You guys, I'm done. And while I have days, and will have days ahead where that is incredibly difficult, where I question my ability to keep that commitment to myself, I now have this fledgling structure of sobriety that I can shelter in, that protects me and I want to protect, that I can continue to build on.
One of the books I read early on was Ann Dowsett Johnson's "Drink: The intimate Relationship of Women and Alcohol" and I took this quote from it that I've kept close - a summary of a parable about a woman who loses her arms and regains them after some time: “She will have full consciousness of what she is doing and is therefore rewarded for her suffering, which is what Jung means when he writes that ‘a part of life is lost, but the meaning is saved.’”
A part of life is lost, but the meaning is saved. That sustains me. I will never get back the years, relationships, opportunities, money etc I lost to drinking, but I retain the meaning, and what I do with it is up to me now. I feel hopeful and alive and when I catch a glance of myself in the mirror now, just 90 days later, I'm not appalled by what looks back at me. I'm starting to see someone I haven't seen in a very long while, someone I didn't even know still existed, and I can't wait to see what she is going to do next.
Thank you, thank you, thank you all for being my first brick, the foundation of my sobriety. I don't think I would have gotten where I am if I hadn't landed here first.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by adee 
A part of life is lost, but the meaning is saved. That sustains me. I will never get back the years, relationships, opportunities, money etc I lost to drinking, but I retain the meaning,.
Congrats!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Posts: 556
Originally Posted by Taproot
90 days is great, Adee, congratulations! You are an inspiration to a newbe like myself. One question: what is the "24 hour club" you mention as brick two?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...elcome-14.html
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Beautiful adee! I'm so proud of you - loved this post. I'm glad you stepped outside your class support thread for a bit - so more people can share your insight.
I appreciate and relate to the phrase, "A part of life is lost, but the meaning is saved." Regret and remorse kept me drinking every time I tried to rise above my misery. We can acknowledge what was lost without dwelling on it or letting it ruin our chances for a new beginning.
Topspin is right - a 'powerful and inspirational' post. You've come so far in 90 days, and it will continue to get better. Thank you.
I appreciate and relate to the phrase, "A part of life is lost, but the meaning is saved." Regret and remorse kept me drinking every time I tried to rise above my misery. We can acknowledge what was lost without dwelling on it or letting it ruin our chances for a new beginning.
Topspin is right - a 'powerful and inspirational' post. You've come so far in 90 days, and it will continue to get better. Thank you.
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