TohellanBack

The worst feeling in the world is withdrawling from opiates (hydrocodone) i want to share my story, im currently on day 7 of withdrawals from hydrocodone, narco 10/325, about 35 to 40 pills a day. 13 years ago i had all 4 of my wisdome teeth extracted the dentist prescribed me hydrocodone 5/500 1 every 4 hours as needed for pain for 3 days, this was my 1st time to ever take a pain pill outside of tylenol, low and behold i loved the feeling they gave me, now before i go any further let me explain a little history, i was born april 13, 1978 addicted to drugs, my mom who is now deceased because of the addiction, was a heavy herion user (iv use) for most of her life, i went thru detox after my birth and almost died from it, my bio dad also was a heavy iv drug user of herion, both my parents were in and out of prision most of my life, i lost contact with my dad years ago but my mom was always apart of my life and tho she was terribly addicted for about 35 years to herion she did try being a good mom to me an my siblings, of course because of her being in an out of prision most of my life i was raised by my grandparents who were the most amazing parents in the world, my mom died 2 years ago from multiple things, she had hepititis c from iv drug use, she had severe emphasema and tho she had been clean from herion for about 10 years before her death she was seriously addicted to narco, benzos and alcohol, she was on hospice and i quit my job to care for her the last few months of her life, her ladt night on earth she was popping pills like crazy and was drinking and tho i was begging her to slow down she continued, the very next morning we found her sitting up in her hospital deceased, my siblings despretly want to believe she died from natural causes but i know different, my mom OD'ed thats something i dont share with my sisters, it hurts them too much, anyways, so i was born with this horrible addiction and it seems the second i took a pain pill i was doomed i just didnt realize it (yet) so there i am 13 years ago in my early 20's just given my 1st rx of what i now know to be a demond! I take these pain pills for the 3 days as directed, loving every second of it, i run out, no big deal, the only thing i missed was that wonderful feeling it gave me, i go on about my life an about a year later im pregnant with my 3rd son, and at the 9th month of pregnancy i developed gall stones, they induced me because i needed emergent gall bladder removal surgery, my gall bladder had perferated, i was in intolerable pain an because my gall bladder had exploded my body was being poisioned, i gave birth an was rushed off to surgery, gall bladder is removed and im put on the pain pills yet again, im sent home with my new baby and a script for 40 narco, again im taking these pills as directed an again loving every moment, i go back to see my dr for surgical follow up and lied to him and told him i was still in horrible discomfort so he refills my script, i believe this is truly where my 13 year nightmare truly began, over the next few months i was taking these pills off and on and then my dr that i had, had all my life retires, he gives me as well as all his patients a referal to other drs in town to continue care, just my luck (tho i didnt know it at that particular time) the dr he refered me to is a "script doc" i went to see him my first time and told him i was in pain and thats all it took, from that moment on he was prescribing me 100 narco each month like clock work without ever having to see him, all i had to do was call an request a new script no questions asked, now because this dr was already known as a script doc the DEA came in an investigated him, i was then refered to a pain specialist, omg the nightmare only got worse but of course at the time i was totally oblivious to all the trouble i was creating for myself, i go see this new pain doctor, he evaluates me and believes im in all this pain an gives me a new script for narco only this time i am given 360 10/325 narcos each month which is 1 to 2 every 4 hours as needed, i remember leaving there believing i had just hit that ******* jackpot lol, these 360 at the time would last me well over a month as i was only used to 100 a month but let me tell u it didnt take me long before i was popping them like crazy, i took them like this for about 4 years never having trouble running out early or asking for early fills therefor i had truly earned my pain doctors trust, after about the 4th year taking 2 every 4 hours just wasnt cutting it, i needed more, i craved more an in turn i began taking 3 to 4 at a time every 4 hours and soon that became 3 to 4 every 2 to 3 hours etc. i went back to see my pain doc and told him that the pills were no longer controlling my pain i thought he would be mad but he was quiet the opposite, he did tell me i was on the max dose of this med that i could be due to the tylenol so he says ill keep you on the 10/325 narco and add 7.5/200 vicoprofin to it, he told me because they had different components being one had tylenol an the other had ibuprofin it would be safe so i left hos office that day with 2 scripts, 1 for 360 narco 10/325 an 1 for 360 7.5/200 vicoprofin, i take these scripts to my regular pharmacy and the pharmacist refused to fill them together saying it was way too much and dangerous, of course i disregarded what he said and called my doc, he called the pharmacy and told him thats the way he prescribed them an that i needed to take them together because the combination would keep me pain free so from there on out i was home free, i was being scripted 700 plus pills a month, at this point i had so many pills i could eat them like candy and you better believe i did, i was allowed legally to take 24 pills each day between the 2 scripts and for a long while that worked, of course over the years as everyone well knows i had to take more and more to get "that same old" feeling, this last year i was up to about 40 a day which equals about 500-600 mg a day, of course that meant i was running out early every month and was having to call an get early fills all the time and for a long while my doc overlooked all my early fills, id come up with all kinds of reasons why and he believed me an would put the early scripts thru to my pharmacy, by this time my pharmacy hated me but i didnt care, my doc was on a strike system and somewhere a long the way he got a new med nurse which was not as believing or trusting as the last, i began not getting away with as much, i was denied early fills several times an in turn was having to go thru a couple days here n there of withdrawls but never more than a couple days, see i wasnt the typical "street addict" i didnt know people that sold them or places to go buy them, i was the very sophisticated under the table very secret kind of addict, i grew up around addiction and was very ashamed of it, i was the one who preached to my mom an her friends about drugs an abuse, i was the one who was never going to have addiction problems because i believed i was better than that, i was never going to end up like my parents (HA!) i was the family person, the good mom with the good husband an home life, i was the christian, i was the good one who at all cost hid my addiction from everyone, even my own spouse an kids didnt realize how bad this addiction of mine was, they knew i was on pain pills but i always maintained my life as the perfect person so they never realized how bad i was until the last year or so when i began running out early all the time and getting sick from it an freaking out on my docs office when i didnt get my way and get my early fills, anyways because of my docs strike system they began giving me strikes, i got up to my 3rd strike and went into my drs office crying begging for another chance and my doc decided since i had been a patient of his all those years and never had trouble before he would give me another chance, he chalked it up to the meds wernt working as well because i had built up sich a tolerence after my 9 years with him, he erased my strikes and i started a clean slate again with him, then on top of that he decided i needed yet again to add another very potent drug, so along with keeping me on my narcos an my vics he began scripting me oxys as well, they were oxy 40 extended release 4 times daily, so now when i ran out of my vics and narcos i had oxys to keep me going, but let me tell u, taking the combination of the 3 pills together would have me flying so high, thats when i began nodding out an burning holes in my pillows an bed sheets at night, it never failed i always fell asleep sitting straight up with a cigarette lit and it was always my spouse who would wake up an find me like this, of course this was when i was at my worst (obviously) and my husband began questioning my pill use, i always covered **** up tho and he believed me, anyways i was badly strung out at this point, i was taking fatal doses of opiates, still trying to maintain my life as the good mom an wife, then my grandpa died the one who raised me my whole life, he wasnt my grandpa he was my dad, my whole life crumbled around me, thats when i really started over medicating myself, **** became real i guess u could say, i was running out of all my scripts early, i was always out of my meds at day 17 of 30 an having to call my doc to get early fills, mind u i was running out of 360 vics, 360 narcos and 120 oxys in 17 days, my doc refilled them early 3 consecutive times each time i recieved a strike, needless to say my pain doc was done with me, thats exactly what he said to me too, i was given a contract my his office that was notorized that said i was officially released from his care 30 days from the date of this letter an i was given 3 final refills on each of my scripts along with a tapering system to get off safely over a few months time without much discomfort, lol yeah right is all i can say, i left there a little upset but my addiction got in the way and instead of following the weaning system all i could think was "i still have several fills, ill take them and before im out ill have already found a new doc" well i took my scripts down to my final fills, my very damn last ones, thats when i began to get scared, of couse i tried slowing down, the reality began truly setting in when my bottles were about half full, i began researching doctors online, trying to find a doc in town who i knew would prescribe me pain pills, well yes i did find one but when i told them how many i was on they just looked at me like i was insane and said "ill prescribe you 1 pill every 6 hours as needed" i of couse took what i could get and left, i took those in less than a week and called the new doc explaining that an er doc had treated me an upped my dosage, the doc oked it an called in a new script for 1 every 4 hours, i knew i was screwed, after only 3 months this doctor also excused me from being a patient, at this point i had about 100 narcos left and that was it, no vics, no oxys, so i decided to take them as slowly as i could and get off of them, then i was bit by a spider on the leg an it got extremely infected i ended up at the er an got a shot of morphine an had the bite cut open, drained and packed, i left with a script of 30 narcos, lol, well i rode the spider bite for another couple weeks, hopping from one dr to another, from one pharmacy to another, that was only about 2 weeks ago, i took my script to a pharmacy and was stopped dead in my tracks, i was told my insurance had denied my fill because it was the 4th doc i had gotten pills from in 1 week, they in turn had to be total jerks and proceeded to call those drs to tell them what i had been doing, of course none of the drs would see me anymore an my prescriptions were cancelled as well as an alert put on my insurance profile of my history of opiate abuse, thats when it hit me like a ton of bricks, OMG I WAS AN ADDICT!!!! Somehow i never truly realized this before, i knew i had a problem but in all 13 years on this rollercoaster i never realized i was actually an addict, hell no, not me, i was too good to be an addict, i thought i was better than the "typical street addict" i guess because i didnt buy off the streets, i didnt have a dealer, i didnt shoot up, snort or smoke "illegal" drugs there was no way i was classified a druggie, a junkie or even an addict, boy was i wrong, when it hit me that morning that i was an addict, a junkie, a druggie, it scared me to death, i realized then i was in trouble, i knew i was no better than anyone else, i was a dope pheen, i walked out of that pharmacy humiliated, embarrassed and tremendously angry, but of course i didnt leave a second before i let the pharmacy staff have it, i was pissed that i wasnt getting my script, i even jumped on the phone and very smart ass like called my dr that prescribed this for me and in a very as a matter of fact way told the nurse at his office, " these assholes at the pharmacy im at wont release my meds, can you please call and tell them to release them" of course i had no idea the pharmacy had already called them and the nurses response was very bold and even a bit hurtful she said mrs. Wea** we will not be releasing your meds, you have gone to several docs in a weeks time and had the same meds filled and further more the doctor is no longer considering you as a patient here and we are calling other drs an pharmacies around town to warn them, mind you i live in a very small town, population 7500 and we only have a handful of very small pharmacies and dr offices, so i knew for sure i was totally screwed and i was scared but at this point i had only gone thru minor withdrawals only a few times never lasting more than a couple days so i had no clue what i was truly in for an of course i was already feeling some minor symptoms from not having as much meds as i was used to after all these years, i got home ranting and raving about it to my husband making him of course believe i was the victim (as i always did) i made him believe i was being treated very wrong by the drs in town, he didnt believe me this time and came back at me with "you seem to run out early all the time and you seem to be blaming all tgese drs, he said im sorry but i have a hard time believing all these drs are against you then he said, have you ever thought maybe its you with the probem" WOW, i was so hurt but instead of just coming out with it i started crying and came unglued on him, but even more so now after my husband pointing this out i knew i needed help thats when i knew i not only needed to stop but i had to stop not because i was going to run out of meds but because i knew after 13 years i was truly at my rock bottom, i was tired an fed the **** up, i finished the few pills i had remaining 7 days ago, as stated i didnt realize what i was truly in for then but all i can say now 7 days into the withdrawal process is... I have never in life felt such agony, i have never been in so much pain, discomfort or misery, i have never felt so much emotional pain, sadness, or depression, these last few days i have actually prayed for death, day 1 was bad an i thought i was sicker than i had ever been until day 3 hit, dear Lord i couldnt sit still, my whole ******* body felt like it was on fire and my skin was crawling literally, my legs couldnt stop freaking out, i have had very little sleep this week maybe 4 full hours in 7 days, i toss an turn all night, im cold then hot, my nose is running like crazy, i cant even stand without feeling like im going to fall over because of absolutely no strength, i couldnt stop throwing up then shitting every 10 minutes, i feel like im starving to death but i just cant eat an if i do it comes right back out, im so sore its insane, im in the worst ******* mood, i snap at everyone for no reason an thats just not like me, i cant stop crying, i have felt true hell right here on earth these past days, on day 3 i went to a doc and told him what was going on, he had a little sympathy for me an gave me 10 50mg tramadols, and told me to take 2 a day for 5 days, i took my first one and omg it truly helped with the withdrawals, i took 3 a day until yesterday and my symptoms greatly diminished, i still felt a lot of discomfort but i was able to tolerate it a little better, i took my final tramadol 24 plus hours ago and today im feeling a little better, i still have the hot an cold chills and the depression part nor the weakness has gone away but im able to maintain without going out of my mind, i still so despretly want to reach for my bottle of pills i guess thats a habit that will ease in time but as for cravings, im actually very proud of myself, i truly dont want the damn pills, when i made up my mind that i was ready to stop i guess i truly was, sure i miss the feeling that everything is ok after popping a hand full of pills but i dont miss the ******** that came with it, i realize now that i am an addict, i medicated to get high an to mask reality like the deaths of my family and financial problems, etc. but i know ill be better off not popping pills anymore, after the first few days those desires to find meds was gone and those feelings only came because i wanted the pain of the withdrawals to go away, but, God as my witness i never want to touch another pain pill again in my life its just not worth it!! Now at 36 years old i sit here and wonder where im going from here, i have so many regrets and tho i was a great very hands on mom i have very cloudy memories of my precious babies growing up, i feel like an empty shell, im so depressed and i have no clue of who i even am after 13 years of being this other person on the pills, im scared ill never be happy again an i wonder if ill ever feel human again, im scared as to where i go from here an if ill ever be the same, will i be able to handle bad situations without wanting to medicate myself, im so ashamed to be at this point in my life, in fact i dont know how i ever got here, how could i let myself get like this!!! As i sit here shivering, feeling anxious, depressed and hopeless i want to make sure to get my message out to anyone who will listen, anyone who has just began taking the pills, just dont do it, if you need to control pain then use them only when you actually have pain, dont get wrapped up in this demond it will consume your every breath, it will eat you up and spit you out without you even realizing it before its too late, and for those ready to get off, it can be done, its hard, its torture to come off but i promise you it will get better physically anyways i have yet to overcome the emotional an mental part, and i know many will disagree with me but tramadol 50 mg is a good drug to help ease the withdrawal symptoms but only if taken lightly, my advice only use them for a couple days only to sleep or you will become addicted to them as well! I hope in someway my story helps someone, i know writing it was in a small way therapy for myself, i pray for everyone out there that has or is facing addiction, i know how hard it can be, but please believe me your not alone, you can overcome and be better for it. God bless all of us and help us get thru our addictions!!!

Tracie W.

Notimetoloose

Tohell, You are doing so well, it is not easy but it is doable and the good news is that you never have to do it again...you have been through so much and you you deserve a great life.... hang in there.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Tracie

You're doing the right thing. It may be rough for a little while but as time goes on you'll feel better and better about your decision to stop.

Don;t worry about who'll you'll be sober - I can already tell from your post you're a decent person who got caught in a bind.

Sober you'll be everything you used to be, and probably a little more. Getting into recovery is a growth experience for most of us

do you have any support besides us here at SR?
D

least

Welcome to the SR family. You'll find a lot of support here.

TohellanBack

Thank you everyone, I appreciate more than any of you know the feedback and words of encouragement, it makes me believe there truly are better days ahead and that I'm not alone in this! I'm on day 9 today, I actually slept last night for about 3.5 hours, the longest sleep I've had in almost 2 weeks, I'm still having minor rls far better than the previous nights were I couldn't sit still, still having hot an cold chills and I cannot for any reason seem to keep solid foods down and of course I have absolutely no energy what so ever which at this point seems to be the worst, on a good note things are getting better I'm not in those serious withdrawals where I was totally dope sick like the first 7 days, I can finally see a small light lurking in at the end of this long very dark tunnel. At this point my biggest fear is that I'm not gonna be happy, I feel so depressed and I'm still trying to figure out who in the hell I am off the ****, I do feel very lost, even looking at my own spouse who I have been married to for 16 years I feel like I don't really even know who he is, don't get me wrong I'm not saying I don't love him because dear God I'm incredibly in love with him but I feel kind of disconnected like I forgot who he was somehow, seems rather strange I know, I just feel like my mind is playing games with me I can only pray all these feelings get better in time but I fear maybe this is it for me :/ as for support, I joined this group because I knew I could be totally open an honest about my feelings here an that none of you would judge me or think I was insane, I knew everyone here knew in some sense where I was coming from since were all recovering addicts, I do have support at home, my husband is trying very hard to be supportive but well I'll explain my spouse to you guys... He's a wonderful man, husband and father but he's never in life been around addiction at all, he don't drink, he never has done drugs, he even quit smoking 2 years ago, he don't cuss, he's never in life broken the law not even a damn speeding ticket, this man is straight edge, very by the book, and while he's been trying to help me thru this by doing the cooking an cleaning an watching after our kids this last week he just don't understand, I try talking to him and he looks lost, he just dosnt relate to what I'm going thru at all, so I guess physically I have support but emotionally an mentally I so despretly need this group to be able to talk to, I need to be able to say things and know that I'm understood an receive feedback from those who have been there an truly know what I'm going thru. Thank you guys for being here for me and allowing me to vent an express my insane thoughts! On a positive note... Day freaking 9...hell yeah!!!!

jakec

That was so brave of you to come here and share all of that.

There is hope. This is an awesome place to find coping skills to stay clean. Have you considered going to an NA meeting? It may or may not be the answer for you.

I wish you all the best.

TohellanBack

Jakec,

Thank you! This is the first time I've ever shared my story with anyone, I hid my addiction very well the only problem with that is I lived in my own private hell for a very long time 13 years to be exact! It felt good to finally let go of some of my emotions that I had held onto for so long and to share with others who knew where I was coming from! I have not looked into NA as of yet but I am realizing it may be something I need, I am at the lowest point in my life and I know I need to be around others who are encouraging!

TohellanBack

Jakec,

Thank you! This is the first time I've ever shared my story with anyone, I hid my addiction very well the only problem with that is I lived in my own private hell for a very long time 13 years to be exact! It felt good to finally let go of some of my emotions that I had held onto for so long and to share with others who knew where I was coming from! I have not looked into NA as of yet but I am realizing it may be something I need, I am at the lowest point in my life and I know I need to be around others who are encouraging!

jakec

Well you're off to a good start. I know too well what it's like to live as a prisoner of my own mind and it doesn't have to be that way anymore. I suggest maybe reading stuff about NA online or checking out a couple of meetings. The hope that I feel at these meetings is indescribable. And if it's not for you, there's plently of other support systems out there like AVRT and SMART recovery.

TohellanBack

Jakec

How long have you been in recovery an what was your drug of choice?

OpioPhobe

TohellanBack - First off, welcome to SR and congratulations on 9 days clean. I like your quote by Keller, and it is definitely applicable to what you are experiencing.

There were a couple points that really stuck out to me with your story. As far as feeling like you don't know who your husband is, I went through something similar with my wife right after I quit. I also had a long period of addictive addiction to opiates (8 years), and I met / married my wife when I was using. When I quit using it initially felt like I was living with a stranger that couldn't possibly understand what I was going through. That has definitely improved and I went from questioning whether I would have married this person sober to having a better relationship than when I started. Quitting after a long time using caused me to get the "stranger" vibe from a lot of people close to me in fact. It definitely got better and I realized that it was just my body / mind getting adjusted to going without opiates.

As far as feeling happy / human again, that was something that I struggled with for a while too. Over the years I realized that I had built my life around the drugs, and quitting the drugs was only the first part of finding happiness again. I had built a life that a sober person would have rejected somewhere along the way because it was too stressful for one person to handle (unless they were taking drugs to numb themselves to it). So quitting drugs was a prerequisite to being happy, but that isn't going to be enough for me to be happy unless I make further changes in life. It definitely got better with time, and changes that I have made (outside of just the decision not to use) have been very beneficial.

For sleep have you tried taking a hot bath? That was the only thing that would help me with RLS. Baths worked better than prescription sleep meds for me. Also, for the fatigue the only thing that made it get better was exercising. That is obviously the last thing you probably feel like doing right now, but any amount of exercise will help. Think about it like this - if a pharmacy was holding a bottle of oxys but they only would give them to you if you walked there would you be able to force yourself to go? I might have had to stop at a public bathroom on the way, but I would have gotten there rain, sleet, snow or shine.

Again, congratulations on making it 9 days so far. It is a tough road, but it is definitely worth it in the end.

jakec

I've been trying to get clean for the past few years. I had 4 months clean and I had a slip up last weekend but I'm still moving forward.

And I'm a garbage head when it comes to drugs of choice meaning anything and everything I could get my hands on. But my main three drugs were opiates, amphetamines, and DXM.

TohellanBack

Hello opio,

Thank you so much for sharing with me, it's so strange how on all the pills I felt so close to people and so content and happy, I actually married my spouse about 3 years before the pills came into my life however I was just a very young kid back then lol, my brain, thoughts, emotions have obviously changed tremendously in the last 13 years and about 3 days into my withdrawals I remember looking over at my husband sleeping next to me and all I could think was who is this man I'm sharing my life with, and further more who in the hell am I off these ******* drugs!!! I remember feeling very anxious thinking do I even know this guy, do I still want to share my life with him, again please don't take that as me saying I don't love him because in my heart I know I do but I at this point can't remember why, I know that sounds crazy but it's the truth, I can only pray over time my emotions straighten themselves out, while on the pills my husband an I were very loving and lots of hugging an kissing, and now when he touches me I feel numb I even pull away and that makes me feel such guilt because none of this is his fault, God as my witness I'm trying to feel things but I just don't right now! Also while on the pills I lost my dad, not even a year ago and during his death I way over medicated to numb that pain even more than usual, I was by far the biggest daddy's girl in the world, I was closer to my daddy than I was anyone and now that the drugs are gone, I'm mentally breaking down over his death as if it was only yesterday, reality is setting in and I can honestly say I'm not liking it, it was so much easier to pop some pills to make everything seem better tho I do realize it wasn't really making anything better only masking it! I'm losing my mind!

I have been forcing myself to get up and move around, I have made myself go out into the sun the last 2 days and enjoy something I guess I took for granted before, I also have been making myself drink tons of water, eating high protein foods to jump start dopamine production and doing all I can to not dwell on the depression feelings that I'm having, it's taking everything out of me just to stand up but I am trying to keep myself going every chance I get.

I am so glad you shared with me, it does make me feel like there is hope in the future! Way to go on your sobriety! Xoxoxo

TohellanBack

Jakec,

Thanks for getting back to me, I'm so happy you decided not to let the slip up take you down, an hey were all human, we all make mistakes but it's how we handle it that makes the difference an u seemed to have done a great job coming back to this side of it, way to go!

I have never had much experience with other drugs besides as a teen I smoked a lot of weed and drank a lot but never had any drug issues until I came across the pain pills, I got so strung out on those pills I never realized I was even capable of such behavior but at one time I was in love with those pills almost as tho they were my best friends, now looking back I regret so much an wish I could erase the last 13 years and re do them, I was taking about 40 pills a day of narco 10/325 and it truly robbed me of my happiness and even big huge parts of my life!!

I'm glad I found this forum, it has helped me hold on and has given me hope of a better future!

Hang in there sweetie, we will all get thru this!

Xoxoxo