4th step flaws/defects - called names as child
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
4th step flaws/defects - called names as child
I'm struggling with certain components of the 4th step and worry that I'll beat myself up (one flaw of mine might be feeling insecure and wanting approval - possibly due to alcoholic father among other things).
I grew up with family members who pegged me as "the stubborn and lazy one" of the family (they still talk about me that way - one of them said it to my wife and she got a big question mark over her head). To feel less hurt from it, I wore it like a badge. However, with my current recovery I look at that particular judgment as abusive now and not who I am AT ALL. It took both my wife and my counselor and work on my insecurities to realize that I'm not what they say I am. For example, my counselor explained that a person with a PhD just can't be lazy. Plus, I found it interesting that people at work (and friends as well - the supportive ones) comment on how open minded I've always been.
So, how do you conduct an inventory with honesty but don't feel like you're doing precisely what loved ones have done? That is to judge my character.
It's so hard to do this. When I learn to separate person from behavior, aren't I supposed to look at it as the action is "lazy", not the person. Yet, my 4th step seems to suggest that we have inherent flaws that are part of our being. I don't want to be a lazy and stubborn person - it seems synonymous with being inferior. My family have often shoved it down my throat to point out that they should win an argument (you're just being stubborn), or when they want me to do something (you're being lazy like always).
How do you do this honest rigorous work, but not go down the road of intense shame and feeling super low. They say to justify their words "oh, we're just being honest with you - this is who you are" It reminds me of something I read - when people are being "brutally honest" (something my sibling has said often when being critical), it is more about the brutality than the honesty.
I grew up with family members who pegged me as "the stubborn and lazy one" of the family (they still talk about me that way - one of them said it to my wife and she got a big question mark over her head). To feel less hurt from it, I wore it like a badge. However, with my current recovery I look at that particular judgment as abusive now and not who I am AT ALL. It took both my wife and my counselor and work on my insecurities to realize that I'm not what they say I am. For example, my counselor explained that a person with a PhD just can't be lazy. Plus, I found it interesting that people at work (and friends as well - the supportive ones) comment on how open minded I've always been.
So, how do you conduct an inventory with honesty but don't feel like you're doing precisely what loved ones have done? That is to judge my character.
It's so hard to do this. When I learn to separate person from behavior, aren't I supposed to look at it as the action is "lazy", not the person. Yet, my 4th step seems to suggest that we have inherent flaws that are part of our being. I don't want to be a lazy and stubborn person - it seems synonymous with being inferior. My family have often shoved it down my throat to point out that they should win an argument (you're just being stubborn), or when they want me to do something (you're being lazy like always).
How do you do this honest rigorous work, but not go down the road of intense shame and feeling super low. They say to justify their words "oh, we're just being honest with you - this is who you are" It reminds me of something I read - when people are being "brutally honest" (something my sibling has said often when being critical), it is more about the brutality than the honesty.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Minneapolis, MN, USA
Posts: 164
Hi thotful, I can see you are an analyzer, like me (I'm a scientist). I think regarding your 4th step, you might be over-thinking it a bit, and maybe expecting too much. Just take your best stab at it, take it for what its worth and move on. It's not meant to be a treatise on your entire life, nor will it solve all your problems. The point is to get it out and be able to think and talk about your problems, to give them a voice, and move on. Do you have a sponsor you trust?
Also, try to not worry about what other people think about you- its none of your business! If people are not being supportive during your recovery, distance yourself until you are on better footing to deal with them, which will come with contented sobriety.
Best of wishes, and post back and let us know how you are doing.
Also, try to not worry about what other people think about you- its none of your business! If people are not being supportive during your recovery, distance yourself until you are on better footing to deal with them, which will come with contented sobriety.
Best of wishes, and post back and let us know how you are doing.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
I think that a very good companion resource for understanding 4th step stuff would be Byron Katie's work. She has talks where she helps people work through difficult things in their lives, step by step. A lot of those talks are recorded, and I'll try to find a few that involve people being judged by partners or family members...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW3fVfdbA7w
Pay attention to the way she talks about the thoughts and reactions of the lady she's helping. Can you apply any of that to your own life? I have found it to be very powerful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW3fVfdbA7w
Pay attention to the way she talks about the thoughts and reactions of the lady she's helping. Can you apply any of that to your own life? I have found it to be very powerful.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by thotful 
It's so hard to do this. When I learn to separate person from behavior, aren't I supposed to look at it as the action is "lazy", not the person. Yet, my 4th step seems to suggest that we have inherent flaws that are part of our being.
If you are lazy and stubborn, how do these traits put you at odds with the rest of the world. What harm does it do to you and your relationships.
Originally Posted by thotful
I don't want to be a lazy and stubborn person - it seems synonymous with being inferior. My family have often shoved it down my throat to point out that they should win an argument (you're just being stubborn), or when they want me to do something (you're being lazy like always).
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Thanks - I have a sponsor and have been working with him on the 4th step.
The video looks really interesting - I'll check it out!
My sponsor asked if I wanted to do the Al-Anon or the AA angle - I'll probably do a little bit of both since I like both the 4th step inventory workbook for Al-Anon and the worksheets for AA.
The video looks really interesting - I'll check it out!
My sponsor asked if I wanted to do the Al-Anon or the AA angle - I'll probably do a little bit of both since I like both the 4th step inventory workbook for Al-Anon and the worksheets for AA.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
remember this is a SELF assessment, not a list of what other's said about us. so what you could look at is how YOU responded to the things your family said...good and bad. these are some helpful tips i lifted from another 4th step site:
1. This inventory is not an exercise in
beating yourself up. Be scrupulously honest
but be fair to yourself. Inventory your
strengths as well as your defects.
2. The following checklist (not included here) merely suggests
what some people consider flaws. You must
decide how they fit with your own moral
code. Do not be limited by this list--add your
other flaws and assets. It is in this Fourth
Step that you begin to discover your values–
what you consider right and wrong,
functional and dysfunctional behavior–and
how you live up to your standards.
3. This inventory is about who you are now,
not who you were when you were drinking
and taking drugs. Be careful, however, not to
blame all past bad behavior on drinking and
drugs if the seed of that bad behavior still
exists in you.
4. Don't be discouraged when your character
defects are not immediately lifted after you
have completed your 5th Step--that is the
ongoing work of the 6th, 7th and 10th Steps.
5. Prioritize! Spend most of your time on the
20% of your flaws that cause 80% of the
trouble in your life. Iinitially check off as
many flaws as you want on the checklist but
then prioritize to the 12 that cause the most
trouble. If you list more than 12 flaws on
the Review of Flaws form, you are
probably beating yourself up!.
INTO ACTION: On the following list, check
all of your defects and all of your assets.
This is an inventory of both bad and good
characteristics. You must check at lease
twice as many assets as you check flaws or
you really are beating yourself up. Then
discuss your defects (with your best example
of each) on the Review of Flaws form.
(the rest is here: http://www.sdrconsortium.org/assets/...0Inventory.pdf)
1. This inventory is not an exercise in
beating yourself up. Be scrupulously honest
but be fair to yourself. Inventory your
strengths as well as your defects.
2. The following checklist (not included here) merely suggests
what some people consider flaws. You must
decide how they fit with your own moral
code. Do not be limited by this list--add your
other flaws and assets. It is in this Fourth
Step that you begin to discover your values–
what you consider right and wrong,
functional and dysfunctional behavior–and
how you live up to your standards.
3. This inventory is about who you are now,
not who you were when you were drinking
and taking drugs. Be careful, however, not to
blame all past bad behavior on drinking and
drugs if the seed of that bad behavior still
exists in you.
4. Don't be discouraged when your character
defects are not immediately lifted after you
have completed your 5th Step--that is the
ongoing work of the 6th, 7th and 10th Steps.
5. Prioritize! Spend most of your time on the
20% of your flaws that cause 80% of the
trouble in your life. Iinitially check off as
many flaws as you want on the checklist but
then prioritize to the 12 that cause the most
trouble. If you list more than 12 flaws on
the Review of Flaws form, you are
probably beating yourself up!.
INTO ACTION: On the following list, check
all of your defects and all of your assets.
This is an inventory of both bad and good
characteristics. You must check at lease
twice as many assets as you check flaws or
you really are beating yourself up. Then
discuss your defects (with your best example
of each) on the Review of Flaws form.
(the rest is here: http://www.sdrconsortium.org/assets/...0Inventory.pdf)
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
I suggest not overcomplicating this and follow the example on pg. 65 for a resentment inventory. In the 2nd column, it helps to be specific. For example, instead of 'she judged me', it helps to put specifically 'she called me lazy'. Doing this helps me see what is really affected in the 3rd column. When done with that, look at pg. 67 for the directions on the rest of it and answer the questions asked there for each of the resentment entries. Remember, it's a fact finding and fact facing mission, not a value judging exercise.
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