courage2

I don't think there's a textbook form of self-sabotage I've never tried, and having put down drugs & drink, my self-defeating bent is having to get creative. I'm wondering if other people on SR have this problem, & esp. how it manifests itself for them in sobriety. Also, why do you think we do these things? I honestly can't figure myself out -- some of the stuff I do is just boring, & some of it gives me a thrill, but the thrill in no way is worth the risk. And of course, any thoughts on what works to rein in self-sabotaging behaviors.

Dee74

I self sabotaged a lot all my life, right up to the point I took my last drink - and for a little while after, if you read my recent thread about newly sober me going to a drinking buddies house.

I think it's rooted in fear.
I was sacred of failure, but also scared of success.

I did a lot of work on myself after I stopped drinking, and some counselling and I realised it was ok to be me.

Sounds trite and maybe a little obvious but that really was a revelation to me

Mits78

I agree. My sister told me there are only two emotions in this world. Love and fear. Its a little deep for me but sometimes it makes sense. Guess I have to ask her more about how she feels about it.

good question courage2. If we keep asking eventually we will get answers.

Mits78

BTW, yes. I have sabotaged myself in the past.

silentrun

All the time. In early sobriety I caught myself washing down a couple of OTC sleeping pills with coffee.

Natalie17

OK. Silentrun wins the self-sabotage award.

courage2

My sense of personal identity is so rooted in negative behaviors that it's almost physically difficult for me to try to imagine what would constitute genuine success for me, it's that frightening.

LOL Silentrun I love your example but at least it's pretty harmless. If I could just stick to good ol' procrastination I'd be a proud woman in recovery!

Dee74

you weren't scared of becoming sober, Courage?

D

courage2

I don't remember -- I was desperate -- I got scared later, when I found out I didn't have to drink.

Dee74

yeah, I just meant I see that as a kind of fear of success.

D

courage2

LOL I guess I was scared or I wouldn't have given myself this username. It's just things seem to keep getting scarier. Does that mean I'm getting more successful?

Dee74

LOL dunno....
it may mean you're taking more chances?



D

Anna

Oh yes, I was a queen of sabotage and it took me a long time to figure it out. Whenever it looked like things were going well in my life, I would purposely ruin it. I was absolutely scared to death of what success would feel like. It terrified me and I would always slide back to the negative place where I felt so much more comfortable.

courage2

I'm taking more chances -- sometimes in good ways, sometimes unnecessary risks. I'm stronger and not depressed and have a lot more mental energy nowadays. I need to keep finding more things to put the energy into that are worthwhile, or I'll use it self-destructively. It has to get released. And nothing phony's going to satisfy me -- it has to be something real & intense.

It's like a cartoon guy with the stick of dynamite -- you keep wondering if he's going to blow himself up.

Dee74

Only if you're Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck or Sylvester, Courage

D

Ruby2

I've sabotaged myself in a lot of ways. Very similar to Dee, fear of failure and fear of success. What if I don't like this sober me? What if I can't stay sober? I figured I wouldn't know until I tried.

I think Mits sister hit the nail on the head about love and fear. I sabotage by getting really angry. It hasn't caused me to drink but it is still harmful. When I look very closely at why I am angry I have found that it is rooted, all of it, in fear. Now I have to work on the fear bit.

courage2

Yes, I'm very silly. Pre-adolescent. Daffy was always my favorite.

Just saying that unhealthy, self-destructive outlets for my energy spring more readily to mind that other things, and I'm looking for tips on general self-control, not just staying away from drink.

Thanks Ruby -- we cross-posted, now I'm editing to ask, how do you "work on it"? What does that mean to you?

Dee74

I don;t really have any tips - it was more of an organic process for me - the more I valued myself the less old ideas applied.

The concept of negative self talk and how to challenge them was useful tho...really rudimentary ideas but they'd never occurred to me before

Challenging Negative Self-Talk | Psych Central

D

EndGameNYC

No Wiley Coyote?

EndGameNYC

Indulging our addictions is a template for and a result of successful self-sabotaging. How often and how many excuses do we create in order to avoid setting our lives straight? SS can have many causes, most seemingly rooted in fear. It's war against ourselves...our thoughts, feelings and desires. It's a failed strategy that guarantees that we won't get what we want or need, and carries the distorted promise that, when we suffer, it will only be at our own hands. Better I hurt myself than someone else hurting me.

I think the unspoken thought for me was often something like, "As long as I don't succeed or get what I want, I'll have nothing to lose. And if I have nothing to lose, I'll never get hurt."

Popular wisdom tells us that if we've never been hurt, never been heartbroken, and if we haven't failed many times in our lives, then we're doing something wrong.