EmmyG

My boys have been with my parents for the last two days. I didn't want them at home to see their dad in bed and everything a mess. When he goes on benders, I usually come home to find the house dark, the dogs anxious and worried, dishes piled up in the sink, and food plates scattered all over our bedroom. I do NOT want my kids seeing that and I've (so far) been able to shelter them from that. My husband has been in bed since his seizure episode. He swears it was like a near-death experience and it's made him "Never want to touch anything again! If I did, that would make me suicidal wouldn't it??? Never!!!" Um...ok. Not buying it. I've had to work or I would be at my parents, too.

I spoke to my sister on the phone last night and it was hard to listen to her but I did. She told me if I don't change, he won't change. She said my boys may be fine now, but they will resent me when they're older if I stay. I keep envisioning the future...teenage boys full of anger/resentment for me, and me being depressed and regretful and miserable. As I've mentioned a million times, my parents live about 75 miles away from us. I can't just go stay with them right now without pulling my boys out of school. My two year old is in preschool, so that I could change if I had to, but my kindergartner is VERY happy at his current school and he has a ton of friends. My mom texted last night and said "Before he went to sleep he told me he can't WAIT to go home and go to school and play with his legos." That killed me because I know he loves home and that's probably because we've been able to shelter him from seeing daddy drunk.

My sister said "Every time you worry about him or feel sorry for him, think of the boys instead." That made me think, and I really want to do the best thing for them. I've been TRYING to do that but I think I've had my mind stuck on keeping us all together as the only option. Last night I told AH I had spoken to a counselor who would like to meet with us, and he said "If you're talking about a drug/alcohol counselor, you're way off base. If you think I walk around fighting cravings every day, you're wrong. It's not about alcohol, it's about what's going on in my head." So again, he won't do it my way. He won't get real help unless it's 100% on his terms/timetable.

I should find out about the new job soon. If I got it, I'm going to get an apartment and keep the boys in school here. If I didn't, I'm going to quit my current job and move us near my parents. I'm not afraid of being alone anymore, and I'm not afraid of being lonely. The ONLY thing I'm afraid of is him dying, but I'm trying to learn ways to let go of that.

hopeful4

All I can say is that my DD of 14 has huge resentments that I did not leave when they were young, when he was out of control like you describe now. I thought that it would get easier as they get older. I promise you, it is much harder.

There are Legos at ever school. Be honest with the school, let them know what is going on so they can help your little guy adapt to a new environment.

I can only say I wish I had left years and years ago. Because I did not, it has presented a world of new problems to deal with. The stress takes it's toll on everyone.

I agree w/your sister, you have to do what is right for your kids. As they get older, it will be hard to just ship them off. They know at a very young age what is going on.

Tight Hugs.

Hammer

Yeah, my kids "know" what is going on . . . . even more that I knew they knew, and I have actively tried to correctly and accurately teach them.

This really shocked me last night . . .

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4520173

Not saying my stuff is right at all, you understand?

With me the kids have ALL been very specific that they want us to try to hang together . . . but ONE Thing I see different between what you are doing . . . is we (or at least I) do is Open and Honest. Not trying to shield them from any of it. We all took Mrs. Hammer to the airport, and we all picked her up from Rehab. And most things since. Got that from this . . . (btw, it is NAMI, not Alanon)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html

================

THE TRUTH BOUNDARY

The Well Spouse must categorically refuse to hide the illness from children, extended family and friends. Only if the MIS is working is there justification for hiding the illness, and then only from work colleagues. Not telling creates enormous isolation. Not telling and talking creates enormous confusion for children. Not telling and talking prevents education. Not telling and talking prevents development of good coping skills. No Family Secrets! No Stigma! This is a biological brain disorder. It is an Illness, like any other.

AnvilheadII

her children are 5 and 2, hammer......they aren't old enough to grasp adult concepts quite yet. right now she is realizing what the affect of living in the home of an active addict will do to their growth and development and got them out at least temporarily and examining what changed SHE needs to make FOR THEM.

lillamy

My oldest will console me and say he understands why I wasn't able to leave earlier -- he doesn't resent it, but he is sorry I didn't.

I think your plan is a very good one. I also think that moving when you're in K, while of course hard when you have friends and a school you love, is still easier than doing it in, say, middle school.

I so wish someone had said that to me. Because I didn't see that my kids were suffering. I didn't see that my feeble attempts at hiding AXH's drinking from them didn't matter. I think your sister has very good advice. And I think you sound strong and smart.

dandylion

Hopeful4--I agree that even the youngest child knows. Even if they don't understand it--they feel that something is wrong in their environment.

Adults almost always under-estimate the awareness of the children.

Even the pets are aware of the discord in the environment.

dandylion

Hammer

Understood and agreed.

Real YMMV world in all this even if things matched.

In our case, the Rages are Shut Down, and the kids more-or-less understand the boundaries.

And I think Mrs. Hammer really would like to be better. It is just right now, for at least right now, she is still one of those "poor unfortunates" the opening to Chapter 5 talks about. We had that as "sort of" a discussion one day, and she finished the sentence for me, with some real self-awareness . . . and then just stared at the floor. I have never went there, since. Makes me feel really sad and sorry for her.

But I will give her credit -- she sure is trying to fake her way.

=====

But back towards Emmy's case -- or anyone with an A who is not even at least Dry Drunk Faking the Program . . . . yeah, get the kids the hell out of there. Innocents get hurt in a war zone.

Stung

I think your sister gave you some really great advice, Emmy. My oldest is only 2 but she has adjusted better than RAH or I have. Little kids are so resilient but they really are sponges. I really think that you'll be giving your children a gift by providing one healthier and happier parent rather than just keeping two unhappy parents under the same roof.

CodeJob

Emmy G, You are doing just fine. Making a plan A and B and trying to be the 'healthy spouse" for your kids. Way to go.

FireSprite

I wouldn't worry much over uprooting your kindergartener if need-be. Really, that is a highly adaptable age & with the year winding down he's facing a big transition into 1st grade next year either way. Doing the right thing for all 3 of you for the long term is what is important.

I said in a post last week, I had to stop thinking of it in terms of swimming away from him while he (chose to) drown & think of it in terms of swimming toward my DD, because he was an adult living with his own decisions, she is a child with one chance for a decewnt childhood. (((hugs))) It's never easy & we ALL second guess ourselves on a regular basis, .

JustAGirl1971

Count me in the 'wish I'd left sooner' camp. My oldest ds told me he prayed for years that I would leave his father He can remember wishing that as far back as kindergarten. He's an adult now and has made peace with his feelings. I've apologized for my role in the insanity and he's forgiven me. My youngest ds is a different story. He has so much anger at me. Justified anger, in my opinion. Counseling is helping... and having a peaceful, calm, happier home is helping. I have so many regrets that I'm working through because they are neither productive nor helpful except as a catalyst to change. Alanon and counseling are really helping with that.

It's hard, Emmy. I'm so sorry you're struggling with this I think you're doing really well considering the circumstances.

MsPINKAcres

Congrats to you for realizing the children deserve a healthier home ~ the earlier they have that I believe the better it is for them ~

For me, I know that my girls suffered and still do because I wasn't healthier or wise enough to give them that gift sooner ~

Wishing you the strength, courage and wisdom to do what is healthiest for your family

pink hugs

EmmyG

I got teary reading all of your responses. THANK YOU so much. It's so good to get reassurance from those who've been there. I loved the illustrating about swimming toward my sons. Last night that conversation with my sister really hit me and I thought about how they are the ones to save, not him. I can't let it happen this time, I can't let things slowly return to normal because I'm the only one who can break the cycle we're in. AH is just not there. He's not ready to accept help and make real change. He should be scared out of his mind right now and ready to do whatever he has to do and he's just not, which is sad. He makes me feel like I'm abandoning him but I'm really doing him a favor.

hopeful4

You cannot abandon someone that has abandoned themselves. There is help, but it is his responsibility to reach out for it. It is not you he has to reach to, it is to recovery.

God Bless Emmy.

FireSprite

Right now Emmy, you are ALL drowning. (yes, you too!!) But it doesn't have to stay that way.... remember baby steps, you don't need to know everything/do everything right now.

I promise you are not abandoning him if you let him deal with his own consequences; you are actually doing him the favor of giving him the dignity to pick himself up & out of this hell all on his own.

Praying

You are SO blessed to have your sister. That had to be some very hard things for her to say to you, and you're so fortunate to have someone so dear who will be this honest with you. Keep in mind that she's probably willing and ready to do anything to help you, as her heart likely breaks with yours. Rely on her to keep challenging you. People who aren't in our houses can often see what we can't.

Your kids know a lot more than you'll ever know. I love the thought of swimming toward them!

My kids have left good school environments more than once when I didn't want to move them. They always adapted pretty quickly, even in middle school. And in hindsight, that was the least of our problems...

Tight hugs!