graceandbeauty0

Last night I went to my Al anon meeting and the topic was on fear. I don't know what it is about this topic but it really hit home with me. I evaluated all the times that I let fear take over the decisions I made in my life. I feared that my ex would leave me while he was using and while he was clean. I feared that he'd never get clean. I feared that I wasn't good enough to be loved by anyone. I feared that bad things were just always going to happen to me and in reality my life was really not that terrible.

My ex was never physically or verbally abusive to me. In all actually he showed that he truly loved me and that I was someone worth loving. As I did my 4th step I learned a ton about myself and my self worth and how I have a lot of good qualities and not just all the bad stuff that I thought was wrong with me. My alcoholic boyfriend did end up breaking up with me about 6 years, which was always my biggest fear. He is clean and doing well. I caved the other night and called him and he called me back and we spoke for an hour. It made me happy to talk to him, but also sad to know that he is still okay with his decision that we are broken up. I said to him at one point in our convo that this is what "he wanted" and he said no it's what "he needed" at this time. I mean I understand what he means, but it doesn't make the pain any less painful.

I am scared to truly let him go because I feel like it makes everything we had not real and I was just in a dream the whole time. I feel like if i let him go then that means he never really loved me and he won't ever love me again. I sound so pathetic sometimes I feel like. I miss him so much and I am still very much in love with him, and every time we do talk it's just so good and pleasant, but deep down inside I know the right thing to do is to just let go and let God.

I have to have faith that being afraid shouldn't stop me from living. I need to stop holding on to us because he doesn't want that right now. I have to just continue my personal growth and let him deal with his issues on his own terms. I don't know if I'll ever actually see him again in person. He currently lives in FL and I live in PA but his family lives in the same town as me. So who knows. I pray for God to just let me let go of that fear of losing him forever in my life, because maybe while I hold on, i'm missing out on a opportunity for someone else.

I've always been afraid that i'm not good enough to love. I'm afraid that I'll end up alone and that family and kids i've always dreamed of will always be a dream. But then again, everyone tells me i'm nuts cuz i'm only 26 and I need to stop thinking no one will ever love me again. I tell myself that I'm a good catch and I need to believe in that when I say it.

Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get those feelings out and some feedback would be great. thanks everyone

AnvilheadII

grace....not every relationship lasts forever. they all have beginnings, middles and ends and have a variety of lifespans. you speak as if he is holding on to your spare kidney, and if you let him go, you'll be on dialysis within a week! in our own personal growth and maturity we learn that we have NO hold on anyone...people come in to our lives when they do and as they should, and they are free to leave at any time. we don't have rights to them.

you care about him right? and he's doing well right now right? isn't that the whole idea? to see and know that those we care about, wherever they are, are doing WELL? wasn't your wish all along those 6 years and countless rehabs, jail time etc, THAT HE WOULD GET BETTER?

well.....here you go. that's a pretty amazing gift. but now, you want more. that wasn't good enough. you want him back, so YOU get to enjoy the fruits of HIS recovery. so - did you want him well for HIM, or for you?

JustAGirl1971

Fear was one of the topics recently in one of my alanon groups, too. For me, fear is rarely about the surface issue. (Ok, my fear of spiders is about the spiders, lol.) Generally though, my fear is related to some other root issue. When I've figured out the root issue, addressed it, proven it false (or else worked to overcome it), then the fear leaves.

You said: I'd start working on these fears. Why do you think you aren't good enough to love? Work on loving yourself. Start focusing on you and stop focusing on him, and you'll naturally find yourself letting him go... because it sounds like he's already gone.

You are worthy of love, you just have to convince yourself of that

graceandbeauty0

anvilheadII : "well.....here you go. that's a pretty amazing gift. but now, you want more. that wasn't good enough. you want him back, so YOU get to enjoy the fruits of HIS recovery. so - did you want him well for HIM, or for you?"

Not to be rude and i take people's comments with an open mind but I don't really appreciate what you said above. I know it's an amazing gift that he's clean and sober. I am actually very much proud of him and respect him for it. And it is good enough for me. I wanted him to be well for himself because i know all the hardships he had in his life and it's good to see how much he's changed and owning up to his life.

And I want him back because I love him and we had a good chemistry. But also working through my own recovery I know how to be understanding and respect that this was his choice and he's living a life and that I am still proud. Doesn't mean I can't be sad about it. Maybe if you read what I wrote a little bit more clearer. I'm expressing the fears I had and the fears that still come up off and on. Doesn't mean my life isn't good, which I also said that my life is actually pretty great too. I just miss him. We didn't break up where I ended up hating him. I still respect him and I'm happy he's doing well. Like you said it's what I always wanted.

JustAGirl1971: I said those are the fears I learned about myself and I have been working on them. And i know why I have them and I've been working on them one day at a time. I personally had a lot of self worth issues growing up, but I know from working my program, that I am plenty worth having someone love me. I'm not perfect and I still have fears off and on even if I know why.

Thanks for your responses

Stung

I agree with JustAGirl. Once you accept yourself and love yourself and KNOW that you are worth loving, you'll be in a better place and be better suited to be in a healthy relationship.

I agree that you're young, but that doesn't lessen wanting to be loved by a partner but you won't be capable of returning that love until you love yourself first. You also have plenty of time for marriage and kids. Lots of my friends are still in their mid 30's and childless. I'm 29 with 2 kids and the majority of my friends and family think I had my kids young (at 26 and 28.) Work on yourself now while you can focus solely on yourself. I wish I had been mature enough at 26 to even realize that I had emotional issues. You're exactly where you are supposed to be right now, and it sounds like you're in a pretty great place from where I'm standing.

dandylion

graceandbeauty0----life teaches all of us some pretty tough lessons.

One is that we do not always get to keep the people that we love.

Another is that--just because we feel that we "love" someone--doesn't mean that they are not also toxic for us.

Another is that what we may call love is not that at all--but a need not to be alone. Not to feel abandoned.

A big one is: We can heal--we can grow--we can change--we CAN be happy. We can learn to love ourselves. How do I know??? I have seen people do it and I have experiences this for myself.

dandylion