carmen220

Recognizing the difference is so confusing to me.

I read a book recently, called "the verbally abusive relationship" and I see parallels in my relationship with my ABF. Is the alcohol responsible for this side of him?

It's so confusing; he can be so kind, sweet, best friend, easy to talk to one minute. Then, when he exhibits the "abuse", I'm feel torn; being pulled in two directions.

It started because he wanted to control me...again. He ordered me to do something I didn't want to do, so he got mad and preceded to insult me in a "joking way". There isn't much for him to pull from, but it still hurts, like he's trying to plant insecurities in my head so I feel bad about myself.

I don't drink and I can't keep from responding negatively when he brings it up; because he needs to know how I feel. He calls that "nagging" when I'm telling him my honest feelings and concerns on this issue.

So, now to hurt me, he says that I have weird spiritual beliefs, I don't have friends, what do I do that's important, I'll be alone one day with my cat etc....? When I speak up for myself and let him know how I feel about being talked to like this, he says that I whine like a child. He usually follows this type of behavior by claiming to love me.

I feel like he's prepping me to be dominated, controlled and manipulated. I'm mad. I've worried so much about his addiction and the fact that he's killing himself and here he is insulting me. There is nothing healthy about insulting your significant other; just like it' not a healthy to attempt a relationship when you are an active drinker. It's true, they are good manipulators; they hurt you and reel you back in with sweetness.

I feel very frustrated today. thanks for letting me vent here. why would someone try to insult the person that they claim to love?

AnvilheadII

honey, people have all kinds of ideas of what love looks like....TO THEM. and what it means. he is SHOWING you how he thinks you deserve to be treated. and for the moment, you are allowing it. we can't have special rules for how others treat us just because they use the L word. OUR values, our morals, OUR self respect should be hard as concrete and as unmovable as Mt Everest. if this is unacceptable behavior, YOU have the choice to no longer be around someone who treats you with such disrespect and abuse.

raise the bar. hold yourself in higher regard. and don't let a couple words you could train a parrot to say make it all ok.

Seren

So that you will stop talking about his alcoholism. Pure and simple, the motivation behind most behaviors of an active alcoholic, I've found, are directed at protecting the drinking.

Please do not try to make logical sense out of this behavior...it's not possible.

When talking to my stepson, sister, any other person in my life who struggles with addiction, none of my nagging, pleading, crying, begging, ultimatums ever worked to change their behavior. I finally learned to set boundaries to protect myself and my sanity in the storm.

I don't know if you have had an opportunity to read through the 'stickies' at the top of this forum, but you will find some great information there. I have two favorites:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

and this brutally honest post by one of the founders of this forum....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Learning to stop being so reactive to my stepson has improved the peace and quiet in our lives (Mr. S and I) 1000%. It does take practice

Hang in there!

BlueSkies1

It's mental abuse.
Frankly, being alone with a cat doesn't sound bad at all after reading that. I bet that cat wouldn't talk to you that way!

It took me a really long time, like years, to understand that there are not two people within him. They are one and the same. Just under the influence he gives himself the go ahead to treat you like that.
Alcohol removes inhibitions.
So the mean abusive things he says to you when he's intoxicated are what he's THINKING the rest of the time but controls himself.
Alcohol removes inhibitions...it doesn't make people say or do anything.

He is prepping you to be submissive. I know this game very very well. Why insult you? To dominate you. To have you give up your power to him. It's straight up manipulation because he's mad at the world, or whatever dumb reason is behind it. Why, because he gets away with it. He acts out aggressively because he wants the sky to be orange and it's blue. Because he doesn't always get what he wants. Does he need any other reason? Not for him he doesn't.
He might also be afraid of losing you! Especially to a cat that loves you better than he does!

m1k3

Hi Carmen, what you are seeing is the real him. There is a saying around here that really fits what you are going through.

Alcoholic don't have relationships, they take hostages.

What you are experiencing is abuse, plain and simple. My AW was very good at that as well. She just had a more passive-aggressive approach to it but the results were the same. The more she did it the more hooked I got. It's a downward spiral that get worse. She was a master of not talking to me for days and then telling me if I loved her I'd know what was wrong.

This is not a healthy relationship. I really think that most alcoholics have some form of narcissistic personality disorder. They really can't think beyond themselves.

The big question now is once you see what is really going on what are you going to do about it?

Your friend,

indirectvictim

Carmen, I felt like I was reading my story. My ABF is sweet and nice when sober. When he drinks, he becomes verbally abusive, does not respect any of my personal/religious beliefs, and acts like he is the only one who is right about everything.
Just an example, we were looking for a movie to watch, it was my turn to pick one. When I did, he said "Oh my god, you have no taste for movies! You always pick these stupid, weird movies!"
More then this, he calls me weirdo, and is really offensive when drunk, always trying to start a fight.
Honestly, I think this is their real personality. Alcohol inhibits common sense, so they stop pretending to be good persons, and let everything out.

Hammer

Sorry to be a slow poke.

Maybe let's start with the title . . .

alcohol personality vs real personality

Where does THIS stuff come from?

Only ONE person you have there. One. Check the driver's license or ID. Just One.

I follow folks come in the doors here and really do not want to acknowledge that they have bought a broken down rusted out wreck, that had some of its holes covered with duct tape and spray paint . . . .



and then walk around for a while saying to themselves . . .

but really it / he / she is this really cool super nice race car . . . .




So I am not going to beat the point, because this is something you need to figure and understand for yourself.

But maybe the question should or could be:

Do I have:

1. An Active Alcoholic who sometimes "acts" nice; OR

2. A nice person who sometimes "acts" Alcoholic?

Since we all that #2 does not really exist, as nice people do NOT act like this, that only leaves . . .

JustAGirl1971

Lol, Hammer. You have a very unique way of getting your point across! So, all the time I thought I bought a new Mustang, I was really driving a banged up Yugo with duct taped windows

Carmen, I think hopeful's post talks about this really well when she discusses compartmentalizing. I know I'm guilty of it.

Hammer

Yep, lotta salvage titles, been in a wreck, and/or are a wreck, and/or on the way to a wreck.

Think I will take my bicycle.

hopeful4

Just remember, it is a choice for ourselves if we want to be the beat up wreck or the new shiny X (I don't know what the name of that car is, but it is looking good)! I know I want to be the shiny one...LOL!

We cannot pick which one our partners or the people we love choose, we can only choose for ourselves. And we have to realize there will be days we might still be in good shape, but have a bang or a dent. That does not ruin us, we just need to fix it. But you have to be willing to go to the shop (meeting, therapist, rehab, etc) to get fixed first....

Rambling away....going to stop now!

HikerLady

Loving the car thing, makes perfect sense to me. Yeah, I'm not a shiney new car kinda gal, just a get me to point A from point B without having to call a tow truck and I'm a happy camper. My guess is that I actually thought my husband was a dependable kinda car, like an old farm truck, nuttin pretty to look at but reliable, strong, and had a lot of funny bumper stickers. The reality is that truck has been broke down and needing a new engine for far too long. Gimme a spiffy new pair of hiking boots or running shoes and I'll get where I'm going just fine, I don't need a car to be happy anymore. Meanwhile, the truck can park where it wants as long as it's not crushin' my happiness...err flowers...Yeah still hanging in with the AH, but hey, I figure he's kinda still hanging in here with me too, I'm pretty dern messed up in my own version of crazy. I'm not the shiney new maxed out SUV he thought I was when he married me...OMG I think I'm the old farm truck? ha! Atleast I still run! Might need a jump start now and then but I get where I'm going eventually.

JustAGirl1971

Lol, HikerLady. Thanks for the laugh
PS Don't encourage Hammer with talk about 'jump starting'

FlippedRHalo

Great post Hammer.

I also struggled with the 'two different people' thing for a long time. I thought he was this wonderful person that turned into a monster when he drank. Nope, starting to see that this is exactly who he really is, he was just on his best behavior (which, looking back now, wasn't even really all that good!).

Once you realize they're one in the same, it really helps you to step back and see the situation for what it truly is. Not easy by any means, and quite harsh when you see that reality, but necessary.

They ARE the same person.

HikerLady

LOL! No worries, I carry my own cables and the towtruck (AA) is on speed dial.

Pamel

Well, since Hammer brought up the car analogy, I think I look at it this way.

As a human being, I was that bright shiny new car. I did not know how alcohol was going to affect me (I knew a bit how it affected others, my Father for instance). But here I am, this bright shiny new car, however, not doing the basic work of changing the oil, getting new tires occasionally, polishing and waxing... I was just enjoying myself out tooling around with a lot of people going ohh! and awh!!

Then one day I got in a wreck. Not so new and shiny anymore, but hey, a coat of paint! Worked for a while. Another wreck. Not so easy this time. But hey! I still have money! A great shop fixed me up!! More wrecks. I decide this car (me) is a lemon (not true, but easier to look at than doing the work to fix me). I only think: I am stuck with this car.

In desperation I try to make lemonade and drive around like I believe this car to be ok, that I LIKE the dents and chipped paint. Reverse chic. Maybe I even really believe this car is ok. Thus begins the disassociation.

Normies like you guys? You see it (the world) more or less for what it is and deal. For me, my "car" becomes my disguise. But I am riding around in it and I KNOW things aren't right. You tell me things aren't right. But what am I gonna do?! It's the only car I have (and I truly believe this now).

And that, I am afraid, is the sad truth of being an addict (wrapped up in this parable). We are NOT "ourselves". We haven't BEEN ourselves for a long time. We have all kinds of "character defects" and are afraid if they are removed there won't be a character there at all.

Not two people, just one in a very grave situation, and there is no predictable outcome.

I have been very fortunate that my bf stuck by me for a long tortured few years, and now I have come to value myself again. How did that chemistry happen? Really, a miracle I think, but the person I "was" and am becoming again, is so worth it. I am grateful that the right set of circumstances have set me again on a good path, but I WILL tell you long-suffering non-addicts that almost to a person, we addicts need to come face-to-face with a VERY DEAD end in our lives to decide to live again. The more "you" can help us to that place (with tough love) the better. It is heartbreaking, but be tough with those addicts you love; an exorcism is the only way and "might" get our attention. There are casualties. Don't let it be you or heaven forbid, your kids.

hopeful4

Thank you Pamel. Your posts always help me see things alot more clear. I really appreciate your sharing.

Blesssings!