He still doesn't get it??!!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
He still doesn't get it??!!
I kicked my AH of 18 years out of our home 2 months ago and I have not looked back. He is currently staying at a hotel and looking for an apartment. He attends the kids sporting activities, but that is it. No overnight visitation or the ability to drive them anywhere.
He still continues to blame me (whatever) and demands respect from the kids. REALLY? He actually gets mad at them when they don't want to hug him or thank him for showing up to a one hour soccer practice. He acts like nothing ever happened!
My kids are 12 and 13 and have been through and witnessed more than they should have. I am allowing them to formulate their own opinions and thoughts as well as actions. They are not rude to him at all and I DO NOT bash him in anyway (even though I want to).
Is this typical behavior initially from a RA? Thoughts on how to handle this?
He still continues to blame me (whatever) and demands respect from the kids. REALLY? He actually gets mad at them when they don't want to hug him or thank him for showing up to a one hour soccer practice. He acts like nothing ever happened!
My kids are 12 and 13 and have been through and witnessed more than they should have. I am allowing them to formulate their own opinions and thoughts as well as actions. They are not rude to him at all and I DO NOT bash him in anyway (even though I want to).
Is this typical behavior initially from a RA? Thoughts on how to handle this?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's part and parcel with denial. My alcoholics both claimed they weren't hurting anyone but themselves, and discarded any memories that might have implied otherwise. Not saying your RA won't gain an understanding of how his actions have affected you and your kids, but it will take time, honesty and recovery before you'll see anything different, I suspect.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yup...it is very typical. Addicts love to blame everyone else and have no clue why they cannot demand respect they never ever earn. It is a very selfish disease.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. Get your kids and yourself to therapy. You handle it as openly and honestly with your kids as possible. Don't make excuses, but dont bash him either. Kids watch behaviors, and his behavior is showing who he is right now.
You cannot control his actions, but you can control your reactions. Be open in talking about it with your kids. My 14 year old thanked me so much when I told her I don't understand addiction and that I pray to God each day for healing for her father but that I know it is out of my control and hers too. She said it was a relief to hear that.
Be strong...God Bless. Keep posting, you are not alone!
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. Get your kids and yourself to therapy. You handle it as openly and honestly with your kids as possible. Don't make excuses, but dont bash him either. Kids watch behaviors, and his behavior is showing who he is right now.
You cannot control his actions, but you can control your reactions. Be open in talking about it with your kids. My 14 year old thanked me so much when I told her I don't understand addiction and that I pray to God each day for healing for her father but that I know it is out of my control and hers too. She said it was a relief to hear that.
Be strong...God Bless. Keep posting, you are not alone!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by iwanthappiness 
Is this typical behavior initially from a RA? Thoughts on how to handle this?
Sounds like a typical _A.
As far as handling this --
(please understand the following is about a year plan -- all on YOU -- no A, let alone R or H in the matter).
0. Get Prayed Up.
1. Alanon for YOU.
2. Alateen for the kids.
3. Detachment for you and the kids.
4. Boundaries for you and the kids.
5. Maybe T for you and the kids.
6. A new better life for you and the kids.
Do you know how do that, or get on that path?
Your A (H, R, or otherwise) may come along and meet you all with his own Program, somewhere along the path, or not -- but DO NOT may your path contingent on the A.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Is he working a recovery program and how long has he been sober? The brain takes quite a long while to start repairing. Unreasonable behavior seems to be par for the course. The more seriously he takes his recovery program, the better chances for improvement, but as always -- we can't lead their recovery.
Best way to handle it is to keep working your own recovery. Do the kids go to counseling, Alateen or Celebrate Recovery?
Best way to handle it is to keep working your own recovery. Do the kids go to counseling, Alateen or Celebrate Recovery?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i agree with keeping, are the kids getting any counseling or support? they could sure use some! and mom too!
as for him....his ego won't allow him to accept that HE has really mucked things up here. he has a grandiose sense of entitlement, King Baby, and expects everyone to bow down before him. the term jack@ss comes to mind!
make sure to keep an open dialogue with your kids....not grill them after every encounter, but let them know you are there.
as for him....his ego won't allow him to accept that HE has really mucked things up here. he has a grandiose sense of entitlement, King Baby, and expects everyone to bow down before him. the term jack@ss comes to mind!
make sure to keep an open dialogue with your kids....not grill them after every encounter, but let them know you are there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
Thank you for all of the responses.
Yes, we are all in counseling.
Yes, I am going to Al-anon, but No, the kids haven't been to al-ateen. I will definitely look into that!
As far as boundaries Hammer, any suggestions? I would personally like to move to a different state! The more I am away from him, the more I see just how destructive and verbally abusive he actually was.
He states he is going to AA and has a sponsor but I have no idea if this is true. I don't even ask him because he lies so much and I doubt I will get a truthful answer.
I have come a LONG way. It took so much inner strength and faith just to get rid of him. I have come to realize the truth.....he is a different person. NOT the one I married. He may look the same, but he definitely has changed. I really want this ALL TO BE OVER !!!
Yes, we are all in counseling.
Yes, I am going to Al-anon, but No, the kids haven't been to al-ateen. I will definitely look into that!
As far as boundaries Hammer, any suggestions? I would personally like to move to a different state! The more I am away from him, the more I see just how destructive and verbally abusive he actually was.
He states he is going to AA and has a sponsor but I have no idea if this is true. I don't even ask him because he lies so much and I doubt I will get a truthful answer.
I have come a LONG way. It took so much inner strength and faith just to get rid of him. I have come to realize the truth.....he is a different person. NOT the one I married. He may look the same, but he definitely has changed. I really want this ALL TO BE OVER !!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by iwanthappiness
I kicked my AH of 18 years out of our home 2 months ago and I have not looked back. He is currently staying at a hotel and looking for an apartment. He attends the kids sporting activities, but that is it. No overnight visitation or the ability to drive them anywhere.
He still continues to blame me (whatever) and demands respect from the kids. REALLY? He actually gets mad at them when they don't want to hug him or thank him for showing up to a one hour soccer practice. He acts like nothing ever happened!
My kids are 12 and 13 and have been through and witnessed more than they should have. I am allowing them to formulate their own opinions and thoughts as well as actions. They are not rude to him at all and I DO NOT bash him in anyway (even though I want to).
Is this typical behavior initially from a RA? Thoughts on how to handle this?
He still continues to blame me (whatever) and demands respect from the kids. REALLY? He actually gets mad at them when they don't want to hug him or thank him for showing up to a one hour soccer practice. He acts like nothing ever happened!
My kids are 12 and 13 and have been through and witnessed more than they should have. I am allowing them to formulate their own opinions and thoughts as well as actions. They are not rude to him at all and I DO NOT bash him in anyway (even though I want to).
Is this typical behavior initially from a RA? Thoughts on how to handle this?
The oldest does need to work on her "respect issues". I tell my kids showing respect and respecting are two entirely different things. You can hate a police officer but, you show respect, not to be confused with kissing @zz. Answer questions, hello- goodbye--- thats all you have to do, the rest is up to you" I tell them.
Hopefully he will get it one day, if he goes to meetings or counseling, surely he will learn that he alone created the tension.
Be well,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
that was exactly my experience. He soon after leaving our home began secretly (and then not so secretly) drinking. Hammer's list is excellent and I'm tickled to see that I did everything on it without knowing this was the list of things to do. I also followed the suggestion to make no serious legal decisions for a year. At the year mark, when I intended to file for divorce, rAH went to rehab. He's been sober for 5 months. I still don't know what I will do about the marriage, but for my kids' sake, their dad is in a much better place. Meanwhile, put the focus back on you and the kids.
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