help4hubby

Hi SR friends, it's been quite a while since I posted last and a lot has changed. My AH has been seeing his counselor twice a week since "the incident". He had been doing really well at first but gradually he has gone back to drinking occasionally, using Suboxone and lying to everyone. I have gone with him to see his counselor a couple of times as I became more concerned. I've expressed my concerns to him, his family and his counselor. Everyone is very worried about him.

I've found razor blades in the laundry and the bathroom. He's been misplacing items and accusing people of stealing them, fortunately he later found the items and realized he was wrong.

The breaking points for me were last week when I found out he had lied about me to his family telling them that I refused to get a job, cook or clean and that he was paying for everything. It broke my heart and hurt me so terribly to know that he would not only lie about me to his family but speak so badly of me. On top of that he acted terribly this past weekend when I had company over. He accused my bff's new bf of stealing from him! They were so uncomfortable they ended up leaving. My AH took my jeep after they left and ran into a pole! It was a disaster!

I met with his parents yesterday and told them what happened and I spoke with his counselor today about it. We are going to have a family session/intervention on Wednesday. He doesn't know that we will all be meeting him there, I'm sure he won't react well.

On a more positive note I have gotten a couple different job offers recently! I am very excited and I have decided which one I'm going to take. I went there today to finish some paperwork and line up everything else I need to do to work there. Getting this job and the offers has really given me confidence and a new focus, ME! I'm super proud of myself and excited. I'm also sad because it's not looking like my AH is going to be here much longer. Any tips for how to handle a family session/intervention with an angry addict?

AnvilheadII

will this be guided by a professional? are ALL family members on board? and by that I mean...if the addict refuses the "offer" what are the consequences? and will everyone uphold those boundaries?

are YOU ready for a possible NO? cuz addicts can come up with a TON of excuses on the fly why NOW isn't a good time, or it isn't THAT bad, they can do this on their own, etc etc etc.

an intervention is merely an OFFER. do you have a treatment facility lined up? it does no good to hold an intervention, make the offer for help and then not have anything immediately lined up.

Ann

Like Anvil, I hope you have all thought this through and are prepared for any number of outcomes. Sadly, most interventions just end when the addict walks out. I really hope that isn't the case with yours.

I am glad you have taken good care of yourself and have good prospects for a job. Being able to support yourself is a big step to freedom...regardless of whether you choose to stay or go. That's the point, it will then become a choice rather than a dependency. Keep taking care of you, that's the best way to find better days ahead.

Hugs

hopeful4

O dear. It sounds like things are escalating quickly. I am so sorry. I agree with everything Anvil said. What boundaries have you put in place....and is everyone on board to stick to them?! If not it will be a waste.

So happy to hear about your job, that is great news! It is good that you still have a positive attitude and are doing things for YOU!

Hope things go well tomorrow! Keep us updated, we are here with you!

BlueChair

I think its a good idea crashing cars not good. Be prepared for him to say things that hurt, make you angry or want to cry. Be strong, hold to whatever as a group you've decided with the doctor. My H got angry at first, then became sad and said things like I wasnt on his side, didnt care about him. He had different ideas of how it could be solved. Not saying there isnt room for compromise but my H had unrealistic ideas magically he would get better. Be careful about looking into his eyes, I still see my husbands eyes like he was pleading as I told him no. We didnt give my husband a lot of threats more like this is what you need to do and trust us because we love you. I was told I would be the one to draw a hard line with him, but didnt come to it Thank GOD.

Kindeyes

We held an intervention for my son early on in his addiction. It was one of the roughest days of my life but he did go to treatment and he did stay there for the duration.

The family sessions at this particular rehab were fabulous....really really good. I found a lot of support and help there. And that is where I first talked to other alcoholics and addicts in recovery.....they helped me get on to my own path of recovery....and that, in and of itself, made it worthwhile.

You and your dear husband will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

help4hubby

Thank you all for your support. I'm beginning to get nervous about tomorrow. I know he is going to be surprised and angry. Today was such a rough day. He's really mad at himself for how he has acted so now he's got this poor me attitude because he's having to face the consequences of his actions from back in October. He spoke with his lawyer today and the prosecutor is pushing for jail time. I'm not so sure that jail would be a bad thing. That may sound mean but so far nothing has gotten through to him. I received a subpoena today which is probably going to conflict with my new job so he wanted me to call the prosecutor and try to get out of going or even having a hearing. That seems ridiculous to me! I told him I don't feel comfortable doing that. You can't argue with a subpoena and I can't just say oh I don't want a hearing so can you please cancel it? It's out of my hands, the state took over the case. If his lawyer offers a plea and they accept then the hearing will be cancelled and that would be nice because I would really like to focus on my new job.

zoso77

Prepare for the worst.

Then prepare some more.

And when the uglies come out of him -- and they will -- make sure you breathe slowly and deeply. Don't get into the mud with him when he attempts to drag you in.

Good luck.

ZoSo

allforcnm

I hope things go well tomorrow, no point worrying about it just stick to the plan. Maybe you will be able to use the possible jail time to encourage treatment. Maybe his lawyer will also push for that... would probably be the better option because not many resources available in jail IMO. We did a mini intervention with my husband, he didn't get super angry but he wasn't happy about the idea of inpatient treatment. He was very worried about telling them at work and taking off time. I think its a scary concept for them, and it helps to acknowledge the fears.

Im happy to hear your doing well and have job opportunities, also spending more time with your friends. Plus, sounds like his parents are now seeing there is a problem and their working with you. Isolation is a thing of the past Prayers will be going up for all of you tonight.

hopeful4

Praying for all of you.

Kindeyes

You, your husband and all who love him will be in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke

help4hubby

I just want to cry!

Things went horribly today. I was so looking forward to ALL of us being together in one room to talk. That didn't happen. My husband completely forgot about his appointment. He showed up 20 minutes late and his counselor had to reschedule his appointment for tomorrow. My in-laws ended up meeting his counselor without me or him. I spent the morning calling my in-laws and the counselor trying to figure out what in the heck was going on! I sat at home for over an hour with no response from anyone. Then my husband came home and was wondering why I was dressed and ready to walk out the door. I had no idea if he knew about the intervention or what.

It was a disaster!

Both of his parents had taken today off of work and now they can't be there tomorrow. I'm so disappointed that we didn't get the opportunity to all be in the same room and talk.

atalose

I believe all things happen for a reason and it wasn’t meant to be today. I think it wasn’t meant to be today because I do not think you or his family are fully ready for an intervention. You ignored questions about having a facility lined up, boundaries you and his family are willing to set, etc.

If it were only that easy to gather all the people who love the addict to tell them that they love him and want them to seek help……….love doesn’t get them clean and at this point there is no doubt he already knows you all love him………………what he doesn’t know is if he doesn’t seek help what are you all prepared to do????????

zoso77

I'm sorry things didn't go the way you had hoped.

But I also believe you need to set realistic expectations of what may happen when you all "get the opportunity to all be in the same room and talk." There is no guarantee that your AH is going to see things the way you and others think he should see them. I would wager there's a high probability that if he had shown up tonight, you'd be feeling even worse than you are right now.

Keep your head on your shoulders, OK?

ZoSo

hopeful4

I've got nothing but wanted to offer you a big tight hug...sounds like you need one!

Let Go and Let God.

I said this yesterday and I really mean it. I believe the verse "Be Still and Know That I Am God" is one of the most powerful in the bible. Sometimes we have to just hold still and know he has got this.

help4hubby

I've had some time to think about the day and calm down about this missed opportunity. There's no doubt in my mind that this intervention/family session would not have gone well. I know that my husband would have gotten mad and stormed out. His counselor had already decided that she was going to drop him as a patient if he refused to sit through the session.

I really wanted this session because i wanted everyone to get on the same page. My mother in-law and I have discussed my AH going to a treatment facility but money is a huge concern, however when I mentioned this to his counselor she said that he's been through rehab more than once already and he has to want to go. I totally agree with her on that. I feel like we should have had a pre-intervention meeting without my AH of course but my gosh I had a hard enough time organizing this. I really think his parents are just worn out and ready to give up. They've been dealing with this for too long and they have little faith in programs now it seems.

I spoke to my father in-law today and he said that the counselor told him that she is going to request that my husband submit to random drug testing otherwise she is dropping him as a patient. Probably a good idea. My mother in-law feels like he is only going to look good for his upcoming hearing and she feels like his counselor is just making money off of her and that no progress is being made.

I sympathize with her frustration and I feel like I am part of the problem in a way because I keep see the same cycle happening that's why I wanted to try something different rather than just reacting and confronting my husband. With this new job coming up, I really really want a stable home with or without him.

Txhelp

I can understand how families can be so exhausted with the addict. As you know, everyone's tolerance is different. Some walk away sooner than others. Others have to be pried away!

All you can do it find your boundary and stay firm. There are plenty of free programs...Salvation Army is one of the long term ones with a good reputation. If he wants it then it would happen.

jjj111

H4H, I'm sorry things didn't go as you'd planned today. I think you're very smart to want some peace in your life so that you can focus on your new job. It doesn't sound like things have improved much since he assaulted you a while back. I know you usually refer to it as "the incident", but maybe it would help you to call it what it was, an assault? What do you think would be your bottom with him? In other words, what behavior are you unwilling to accept? What boundaries are you prepared to set?

allforcnm

Im sorry everyone couldn't get on the same page today, or even in the same room. I agree a pre-meeting with just you & his parent first would be a good idea. Would it be possible to do part of it over speaker or Skype ? I worked with my therapist that way part of the time.

I hope that you are able to find peace soon, one way or the other. You deserve it. It really sounds like he may be forced to do something even without an intervention if he continues on this path he's on. But I also think your right, its always a good idea to switch things up if they are not working. Therapy can take a while, and it sound like he became a little complacent and then those addictive behaviors snuck back in.

Its great your focusing on yourself, and looking towards the future. I hope things get better soon....

help4hubby

Thank you all so much for the support! I went with my husband to his counseling appointment yesterday. His parents didn't go. It went really well. His counselor explained to him that we had planned a family session but because he forgot about his appt and showed up so late it messed up everything for everyone. She told him that she met with his parents anyway. He took the news pretty well but was upset that it had all been planned without his knowledge. The counselor explained that it was her idea and that was how she wanted to do it. She said that she was worried he wouldn't agree to a family session so that is why. Of course he said that he would have agreed to it and there was no need to "gang up on him". It was so frustrating for me to hear this because his mom had said the same thing! She said if he was surprised with all of us there he would bolt and she wanted to give him a heads up. The counselor disagreed with this and said no let me do my job, this isn't about making him comfortable or doing things how he wants. I feel like I've spent so much time on the phone with all of them coordinating this and listening to each side about what would work better and why. I see why people get tired and give up.

We talked about this past weekend and what had happened with my BFF and her new boyfriend. We talked about the upcoming hearing and the possible outcomes. We also talked about things that we've all noticed in him lately (the forgetfullness, misplacing things and thinking they've been stolen). She is great at mediating conversations between us. We were also able to get him to admit some things that he had lied about in previous sessions. He did get mad at one point and stood up and was ready to walk out. I was really proud of myself for not reacting. I just told myself if he gets up and leaves I will call someone and get a ride, I'm not going to beg him to stay. He quickly calmed down and sat down. The counselor pointed out that this was a place for honesty, he had been honest and we didn't yell or react badly so there was no need to lie or threaten to leave. She also told him that he did not have to be there. She said I don't want you to keep coming here if you don't want to be here.

I felt so good when we left there, which is typical for me. I feel like it's a safe controlled environment where we can talk about everything and even if I hear things that are hard to hear I have the counselor there to help guide me to a positive reaction. She is really proud of my new job (which hasn't started yet) and we learned that my insurance will cover 80% of the cost of these appts and there is no limit to how many sessions he can have and the best part is that my insurance kicks in immediately!

Now comes the bad part! As I said I felt GREAT when we left the counselor's office. We drove home which is maybe a 5 minute drive. When we pulled into our driveway my husband tells me he has to take our jeep to get fixed (which I knew he was doing) but that he also needs to go pick something up that he has waiting on him, Suboxone! I'm thinking WHAT?!! Are you kidding me? We JUST left the counselor's office! It's been 5 minutes maybe! Why couldn't we have addressed this with the counselor.

So I said to him the only thing I knew to say. I reminded him how badly he feels AFTER he makes a bad decision. I hate seeing the pain and regret and guilt on his face and I know that it just eats away at him. I said now is your chance, you are at a critical point you haven't made this decision yet. Do you want to do what you've been doing and then feel bad and make more promises or do you want to walk away from it now and avoid that pain. I could tell he really was thinking about those moments of messing up and apologizing and making promises. But he managed to come up with a slew of excuses, "this will be the last time, I just want to do one last piece, if I get a little bit I can take it slowly so I don't withdraw, I'll just get it and give it to you, it's already paid for I can't leave this guy hanging". I'm sure none of you have never heard any of these excuses before (note the sarcastic tone).

I told him just do what you're gonna do, I'm not gonna try and stop you. He did have to leave to drop off the jeep so there was no question he was leaving right then, I just didn't know where he was going. I thought about going with him to make sure he went straight to the mechanics but decided it was just a waste. If he wants to get it he will and I'm not babysitting. As soon as he left, his stepdad came over to ask how everything went at the counselor's (we live right beside of the business that my husband works for and his stepdad owns). I told him everything. He shook his head and said it was coming to a point where he was going to have to fire him. I also called his counselor and told her what was going on. She was shocked and disappointed. She told me that if he did go and get it and give it to me for me to bring it to her. Of course when he got home he said he had changed his mind and decided not to get it after thinking about what I had said to him. I told him I had a very hard time believing that. He was so adamant when he left that you couldn't just leave someone hanging when they had bought something for you expecting you to pay and pick it up. Then when I asked if this guy had contacted him since he didn't pick it up he told me no. I have a really hard time believing that as well. His stepdad knows everything and he says he doesn't believe that at all. He even said to me, "he may convince you but I've seen it too many times, I don't believe him".

I'm going to quit for now because this post is long enough and I apologize for that. Just needed to get it out. Thank you all for the support it means so much to me!

-H4H