New to site, just kicked out Abusive alcoholic Fiance
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
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New to site, just kicked out Abusive alcoholic Fiance
Hi everyone. After three and a half years of loving a man who is battling alcoholism and other issues, I finally threw in the towel. I love him, more than anything, and it killed me to have to kick him out. As he went, he claims he wanted to go, and that he does not have a problem. That hurts me most of all I think, but I am trying to be strong for my kids sakes.
He would rage, and forget, he would drink himself sick and black out and that is when it got scary. He would scream and cry, beg and rage, and call me names and I kept thinking it would go away. Stupid me.
He would get insulted over little things, fly off the handle at everything. He would flip, one minute he would be sweet and then suddenly he would just freak out. I loved him anyway. After months of trying to handle it, I got his family involved and he stayed with them for a week or so. They let him drink plenty of beer, and tried to talk him into getting meds, which he pooh poohed away. After he came back, things got worse, and he hurt me badly one night in a rage episode. Terrorized me and my kids, and then told his family I had caused it and made it out to be worse than it was. A couple days later he punched a bunch of holes in the walls, kicked a chicken and killed it, and so I made him get out. He moved to his brothers for 6 months. Quit drinking for a few of those, and we spent hours talking, going out to dinner, trying to fix things. He has some major paranoia issues, anxiety through the roof, but always, always its not him its everyone else who has the problem. Its not him, but me, he said, because he said I am a bitch and a liar, and messed up and controlling and every other thing he could think to say, to take the blame off him. After six months, I let him move home, and he controlled how much beer he had. We had a few meltdown episodes here and there, but just angry yelling and words, and we got past them. He claimed i am his soul mate, perfect for him, he loves me so much, blah blah blah, but Slowly, slowly the drinking got worse again and along with it came the rages and paranoia and anxiety. The name calling, the blaming, the insults. He spent hours sitting on the deck drinking, and something would change in him. He would start ranting about crazy things, things like I was having an affair with the neighbors, he claimed I was lying about anything and everything, and that my friends and family were helping me do it. One night he got so drunk he was crying and puking, stumbling and slurring his words. He would scream obscenities, and then say he hated me. Then he would be sobbing, and ask me to forgive him, saying he didn't know what was wrong with him. The neighbors had to show up to calm him down, and the next day, he didn't remember any of his behavior. He said I was making it up to convince him he has a problem. After that, during arguments, if he wasn't raging or screaming names at me, he would sit and stare like he was catatonic, to avoid discussing anything. Finally, one night, he hit me. Slapped me hard enough that it burst my eardrum. I can no longer hear in that ear. He got upset over a comment my son made, and told him to **** off. When I said nobody will talk to my kids that way, and that its not the way a parent should act, he slapped me hard enough to make me see stars. I told him he needed to get help for his mental illness and his alcoholism, and to get out, and he started packing that night. He left a day later, and only came back once to get his work trailer. He is gone, and its like he just walked away from us like we were nothing, like our whole lives, and everything we went through didn't matter. Its like he just turned off his feelings for me and my kids like a faucet, because I insisted he get help. I hate it. It hurts more than I could ever conceive, but I am going to survive this. Its been calmer at home, things are so easy, no arguing at dinner, about dinner, no tension, no tiptoeing. Its easy, but then again, my heart is destroyed becuase I love him and hes bad for me, and my kids. He is toxic, and hes a mess, and no matter what, I can't ever have him back, because I will never trust him again. I can't, for my kids. It hurts terribly badly.
He would rage, and forget, he would drink himself sick and black out and that is when it got scary. He would scream and cry, beg and rage, and call me names and I kept thinking it would go away. Stupid me.
He would get insulted over little things, fly off the handle at everything. He would flip, one minute he would be sweet and then suddenly he would just freak out. I loved him anyway. After months of trying to handle it, I got his family involved and he stayed with them for a week or so. They let him drink plenty of beer, and tried to talk him into getting meds, which he pooh poohed away. After he came back, things got worse, and he hurt me badly one night in a rage episode. Terrorized me and my kids, and then told his family I had caused it and made it out to be worse than it was. A couple days later he punched a bunch of holes in the walls, kicked a chicken and killed it, and so I made him get out. He moved to his brothers for 6 months. Quit drinking for a few of those, and we spent hours talking, going out to dinner, trying to fix things. He has some major paranoia issues, anxiety through the roof, but always, always its not him its everyone else who has the problem. Its not him, but me, he said, because he said I am a bitch and a liar, and messed up and controlling and every other thing he could think to say, to take the blame off him. After six months, I let him move home, and he controlled how much beer he had. We had a few meltdown episodes here and there, but just angry yelling and words, and we got past them. He claimed i am his soul mate, perfect for him, he loves me so much, blah blah blah, but Slowly, slowly the drinking got worse again and along with it came the rages and paranoia and anxiety. The name calling, the blaming, the insults. He spent hours sitting on the deck drinking, and something would change in him. He would start ranting about crazy things, things like I was having an affair with the neighbors, he claimed I was lying about anything and everything, and that my friends and family were helping me do it. One night he got so drunk he was crying and puking, stumbling and slurring his words. He would scream obscenities, and then say he hated me. Then he would be sobbing, and ask me to forgive him, saying he didn't know what was wrong with him. The neighbors had to show up to calm him down, and the next day, he didn't remember any of his behavior. He said I was making it up to convince him he has a problem. After that, during arguments, if he wasn't raging or screaming names at me, he would sit and stare like he was catatonic, to avoid discussing anything. Finally, one night, he hit me. Slapped me hard enough that it burst my eardrum. I can no longer hear in that ear. He got upset over a comment my son made, and told him to **** off. When I said nobody will talk to my kids that way, and that its not the way a parent should act, he slapped me hard enough to make me see stars. I told him he needed to get help for his mental illness and his alcoholism, and to get out, and he started packing that night. He left a day later, and only came back once to get his work trailer. He is gone, and its like he just walked away from us like we were nothing, like our whole lives, and everything we went through didn't matter. Its like he just turned off his feelings for me and my kids like a faucet, because I insisted he get help. I hate it. It hurts more than I could ever conceive, but I am going to survive this. Its been calmer at home, things are so easy, no arguing at dinner, about dinner, no tension, no tiptoeing. Its easy, but then again, my heart is destroyed becuase I love him and hes bad for me, and my kids. He is toxic, and hes a mess, and no matter what, I can't ever have him back, because I will never trust him again. I can't, for my kids. It hurts terribly badly.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
That's really all I wanted to say. Well done for getting him out. Well done for protecting your children. Well done for not trying to stay and fix him.
I am so sorry to read about your hearing, though. I sincerely hope you never let that B****** anywhere near you again.
Sending you much love.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
No Contact.
Simple as that.
You will heal and learn and never ever accept that again.
Your children have their Mom back.
Can you get some one on one counselling?
Have you considered AlAnon?
You have found a great place here. Come here often and share or just read,read, read.
Ps, I know about the ear thing, me too. I am so sorry.
Simple as that.
You will heal and learn and never ever accept that again.
Your children have their Mom back.
Can you get some one on one counselling?
Have you considered AlAnon?
You have found a great place here. Come here often and share or just read,read, read.
Ps, I know about the ear thing, me too. I am so sorry.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Good for you! That is something that had to have been so hard to do. But you are looking out for yourself and your kids and that is the most loving thing any parent can do. Showing your kids you respect yourself enough to not tolerate that BS and showing them they deserve to be protected is what you're doing! Way to go!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It took a lot of courage and strength to finally end the madness which appears would have only continued for you and your children. And it’s going to be that same strength and courage that will help you process this relationship and move forward.
The one thing that jumped out at me is when you said “He is gone, and it’s like he just walked away from us like we were nothing, like our whole lives and everything we went through didn’t matter.” This is along the lines of OUR stinking thinking of if they loved us enough they would stop. Addiction doesn’t make choices like that. This person you knew is an addict now, probably not really the same person you met and fell in love with, his disease has progressed.
But please know it’s not that he doesn’t love you or the kids, right now he can’t even love himself enough to get out of his own way. Addiction/Alcoholism is NEVER about a choice between loving and using/drinking ITS ALWAYS ALL ABOUT THE USING and NO ONE is going to get in their way.
The one thing that jumped out at me is when you said “He is gone, and it’s like he just walked away from us like we were nothing, like our whole lives and everything we went through didn’t matter.” This is along the lines of OUR stinking thinking of if they loved us enough they would stop. Addiction doesn’t make choices like that. This person you knew is an addict now, probably not really the same person you met and fell in love with, his disease has progressed.
But please know it’s not that he doesn’t love you or the kids, right now he can’t even love himself enough to get out of his own way. Addiction/Alcoholism is NEVER about a choice between loving and using/drinking ITS ALWAYS ALL ABOUT THE USING and NO ONE is going to get in their way.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Scary, and very similar to what I allowed myself to endure from my ex. Sounds like "he" is a lot of things, none of them very appealing. How about you? How are you? Have you done something nice for yourself today?
But please know it’s not that he doesn’t love you or the kids, right now he can’t even love himself enough to get out of his own way. Addiction/Alcoholism is NEVER about a choice between loving and using/drinking ITS ALWAYS ALL ABOUT THE USING and NO ONE is going to get in their way.
Atalose has an excellent point here. None of this is about love, at least for him, it is about his disease(s), I say that plural because I think Hammer hit it on the head with the mental illness/self-medication. Have you looked into a group like alanon or celebrate recovery? You will meet lots of people who have been where you are. It's a good place to find support and healing for yourself, because it sounds like you're really hurting.
Hug your kids tight, it gets a lot better from where you are now. Thanks for posting.
But please know it’s not that he doesn’t love you or the kids, right now he can’t even love himself enough to get out of his own way. Addiction/Alcoholism is NEVER about a choice between loving and using/drinking ITS ALWAYS ALL ABOUT THE USING and NO ONE is going to get in their way.
Atalose has an excellent point here. None of this is about love, at least for him, it is about his disease(s), I say that plural because I think Hammer hit it on the head with the mental illness/self-medication. Have you looked into a group like alanon or celebrate recovery? You will meet lots of people who have been where you are. It's a good place to find support and healing for yourself, because it sounds like you're really hurting.
Hug your kids tight, it gets a lot better from where you are now. Thanks for posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Thank you to everyone for their thoughts and input. I've been reading through all the many helpful posts and articles on this site, and its gotten me through the last couple weeks. My kids are my sunshine, and they are the reason I was strong enough to stand up and say hell no. Its in the moments when I am alone, at night, etc, that I sit and start to think. Thinking is bad. I told him right before he left that he needed help, to which he replied he would get it by getting away from me. I told him the funny thing about running away from your problems is you take yourself with you.
Whether he gets help or not, or accepts responsibility or not, it doesn't matter, though I hope life gives him a huge boot in the ass. I am determined to get me and my kids through this, and come out happy and whole on the other side. I am just mourning the loss of what we had, or what he pretended we had, or whatever it was, its like he died, because he is just gone. Its a relief that he is gone and horrible all at once. Its so hard, and sometimes, in my weak moments, it breaks me. Sometimes it makes my knees buckle, and I think I cannot go on another hour without him, the sweet him, but then I make myself remember the look in his eyes as he sat staring blankly ahead or as he stood screaming obscenities at me. Or the way he chest bumped me then chased me like some he was sort of beast until I was whimpering in the corner like a mouse. I told my kids to tell me, every time I start crying, or every time I go silent and inward, they should remind me "You did the right thing Mom." It helps. It helps so much. I do plan to get us involved in an Alanon group, which I think will help us all so much. We have all been having nightmares that he comes back and hurts me worse and then turns on them, and my ten year old has taken to sleeping in my bed at night because she is scared. As far as what I have done for myself today? Every day I have been giving myself little things, simple things that make me happy. A Bottle of pretty new nail polish, turning the music I love up loud and dancing while we make dinner, lingering for an extra hour at the library, watching a movie with the kids all of us piled in a heap on my bed together, all these tiny little triumphs of things that I get to choose to do or have, that would have come at a cost in the form of anger before. I woke up to sunshine today and hugged my kids and we all felt safe and loved in our home. I gave us that back, and I remind myself every day how precious that is.
Whether he gets help or not, or accepts responsibility or not, it doesn't matter, though I hope life gives him a huge boot in the ass. I am determined to get me and my kids through this, and come out happy and whole on the other side. I am just mourning the loss of what we had, or what he pretended we had, or whatever it was, its like he died, because he is just gone. Its a relief that he is gone and horrible all at once. Its so hard, and sometimes, in my weak moments, it breaks me. Sometimes it makes my knees buckle, and I think I cannot go on another hour without him, the sweet him, but then I make myself remember the look in his eyes as he sat staring blankly ahead or as he stood screaming obscenities at me. Or the way he chest bumped me then chased me like some he was sort of beast until I was whimpering in the corner like a mouse. I told my kids to tell me, every time I start crying, or every time I go silent and inward, they should remind me "You did the right thing Mom." It helps. It helps so much. I do plan to get us involved in an Alanon group, which I think will help us all so much. We have all been having nightmares that he comes back and hurts me worse and then turns on them, and my ten year old has taken to sleeping in my bed at night because she is scared. As far as what I have done for myself today? Every day I have been giving myself little things, simple things that make me happy. A Bottle of pretty new nail polish, turning the music I love up loud and dancing while we make dinner, lingering for an extra hour at the library, watching a movie with the kids all of us piled in a heap on my bed together, all these tiny little triumphs of things that I get to choose to do or have, that would have come at a cost in the form of anger before. I woke up to sunshine today and hugged my kids and we all felt safe and loved in our home. I gave us that back, and I remind myself every day how precious that is.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
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You did the right thing Ofelie. Hold on to that. You don't have to be scared in your own home. You don't have to walk on eggshells. You don't have to endure name calling and physical abuse. You have peace and from reading your original post, you deserve it.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Wow - so proud of you for getting him away from your family. You just saved your and your kids lives from a number of horrific futures and problems. GOOD JOB - you did the best thing in the world for your family! Hang in there, it will get easier, and SO MUCH BETTER!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Keep yourself and the kids out of harms way.........
When someone hits you hard enough for you to see stars, and that has the potential to cause a closed head injury, and God forbid, death, it's definitely time to end this crazy, crazy dance.
I would go no contact. And if you must see him, ( because of the kids) I would make certain someone else is always present, or meet at a public location. This guy sounds dangerous.
I would start documenting all of his unacceptable behaviors.
If it were me I would be RUNNING to an attorney, and finding out exactly what I have to do in order to get this out of control, raging, violent man out of my life once and for all. For your safety I truly hope he stays MIA, but experience says you haven't seen or heard the last of him. Perhaps a PPO is needed?
A husband's duty is to love, honor and protect his wife and family. He obviously CANNOT do this at this time. Currently he has no respect for himself, so to think he is going to respect his family, isn't going to happen either. I understand you are currently hurting, but you do NOT deserve to be treated like this. Love doesn't hurt like you are currently hurting.
Keep posting, we do care.
(((HUGS))))
When someone hits you hard enough for you to see stars, and that has the potential to cause a closed head injury, and God forbid, death, it's definitely time to end this crazy, crazy dance.
I would go no contact. And if you must see him, ( because of the kids) I would make certain someone else is always present, or meet at a public location. This guy sounds dangerous.
I would start documenting all of his unacceptable behaviors.
If it were me I would be RUNNING to an attorney, and finding out exactly what I have to do in order to get this out of control, raging, violent man out of my life once and for all. For your safety I truly hope he stays MIA, but experience says you haven't seen or heard the last of him. Perhaps a PPO is needed?
A husband's duty is to love, honor and protect his wife and family. He obviously CANNOT do this at this time. Currently he has no respect for himself, so to think he is going to respect his family, isn't going to happen either. I understand you are currently hurting, but you do NOT deserve to be treated like this. Love doesn't hurt like you are currently hurting.
Keep posting, we do care.
(((HUGS))))
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Ofelie,
Wait a minute, ( as I am holding my breath here) , do the children belong to you and your fiance?
and holy crap, you aren't even married to this guy yet, ( I have to stop jumping around in my reading of posts,)
this is getting less, and less complicated.
Oh honey just RUN.
Wait a minute, ( as I am holding my breath here) , do the children belong to you and your fiance?
and holy crap, you aren't even married to this guy yet, ( I have to stop jumping around in my reading of posts,)
this is getting less, and less complicated.
Oh honey just RUN.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Fortunately they are my kids, not his. And I was only engaged, not married yet. And as my son keeps pointing out, not pregnant or tied into any sort of house or other asset with him. So he can just go away, and we will start over.
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I also have been keeping a daily journal since I was a teen. I carefully documented everything that happened, every day, as objectively as I could and I would read back each morning, the previous day's entry, before writing so I could REMEMBER what he had done, what we had done. He went ballistic upon finding out about said journal, saying he couldn't understand why anyone would do such a thing. And that it could only be so I could hold things over his head (meaning he didn't want to be held accountable).
The first time I kicked him out, I took photos of the bruises and cuts and damage to my house. His family demanded to see them, as proof that I was not lying, and then cried when they saw it. He defended himself by saying I had caused it by not letting him leave (that time he was stumbling drunk, I didn't want him to drive) and that I made the bruises worse by rubbing them. This time, there are no bruises, just the blood on the pillow from my ear, but again, it doesn't matter. I keep a daily journal, so I can REMEMBER. I don't ever ever want to forget any of it, so I can be sure not to be sucked into that hell again.
The first time I kicked him out, I took photos of the bruises and cuts and damage to my house. His family demanded to see them, as proof that I was not lying, and then cried when they saw it. He defended himself by saying I had caused it by not letting him leave (that time he was stumbling drunk, I didn't want him to drive) and that I made the bruises worse by rubbing them. This time, there are no bruises, just the blood on the pillow from my ear, but again, it doesn't matter. I keep a daily journal, so I can REMEMBER. I don't ever ever want to forget any of it, so I can be sure not to be sucked into that hell again.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I am so sorry you are going through this.
You definitely made the right decision kicking him out.
You & your children deserve a better life than this.
I know it hurts but take one day at a time & come here for support if you need it.
You definitely made the right decision kicking him out.
You & your children deserve a better life than this.
I know it hurts but take one day at a time & come here for support if you need it.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I also have been keeping a daily journal since I was a teen. I carefully documented everything that happened, every day, as objectively as I could and I would read back each morning, the previous day's entry, before writing so I could REMEMBER what he had done, what we had done. He went ballistic upon finding out about said journal, saying he couldn't understand why anyone would do such a thing. And that it could only be so I could hold things over his head (meaning he didn't want to be held accountable).
My ex was also enraged about my journals, though I rarely wrote about him once I started detaching. If I did it was in a very matter of fact way, ie, "M smashed my desk chair to matchsticks last night because I refused to fight with him myself." I think anything that holds a mirror up to their behavior is unwelcome, like you said, because they don't want to be held accountable. I always got "I'm not that bad", "You're exaggerating/Making things up to make me look bad." He didn't need my help to look bad, he did just fine with that on his own. Glad you got him out of there and that you and your kids are safe. Take care and keep posting. We're here for you.
My ex was also enraged about my journals, though I rarely wrote about him once I started detaching. If I did it was in a very matter of fact way, ie, "M smashed my desk chair to matchsticks last night because I refused to fight with him myself." I think anything that holds a mirror up to their behavior is unwelcome, like you said, because they don't want to be held accountable. I always got "I'm not that bad", "You're exaggerating/Making things up to make me look bad." He didn't need my help to look bad, he did just fine with that on his own. Glad you got him out of there and that you and your kids are safe. Take care and keep posting. We're here for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Posts: 148
I don't think that will be an issue. I have not heard from him or seen him since he came to get that trailer. He is probably on his high horse somewhere, playing the straight and narrow, pretending to his family and everyone that HE left because HE wanted to, because I am the crazy one, etc. acting the martyr. He is probably not drinking, he did it the first time I kicked him out, for a while, probably only because he didn't have money, but I am sure he is trying to prove something to himself and everyone.... Its what he did the first time. These are the thoughts that torture me, there will never be accountability or closure but I know, I KNOW for certain, it will come out again, he will drink somewhere and sometime and he cannot hide the mental issues. I really doubt he will try to come back ever. He took little things like dental floss and razors and construction pencils, when he went, but he left some ladders and cords and other work tools in the garage, which worries me some, but I have his keys to the house. It could be he just didn't want them, i am hoping that is the case. But knowing him, when he has his mind made up, especially when he thinks someone doesn't approve or like him, he tends to just avoid them. I am pretty sure if he showed up it would only be for tools that he left, and not to start anything with me. He is very good at shutting on and off his feelings for people apparently.
Its just killing me, the numbness and relief I feel about his leaving sometimes gives way to this searing pain in my heart, this pit way down in my belly that it is over and ended so awfully and then I end up sobbing in a ball in the corner of the bathroom floor. It comes over me at the weirdest times, over the littlest things after going through most of the day quietly. When he proposed I fully expected to grow old with him, we joked about what it would be like when we were old...and now its all in tattered ruins...it won't ever happn. Those dreams are just crumbled away, broken and now they are tainted, because of how he is, the alcohol and madness in him I know they are not possible, I don't want them anymore, not like that, not with that. Maybe they were never possible to begin with. I just don't know how to get it out of my head. Sometimes I wish I could erase it all, like in that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I am doing everything I can to inch forward, one hour at a time and get through this...its just so hard.
Its just killing me, the numbness and relief I feel about his leaving sometimes gives way to this searing pain in my heart, this pit way down in my belly that it is over and ended so awfully and then I end up sobbing in a ball in the corner of the bathroom floor. It comes over me at the weirdest times, over the littlest things after going through most of the day quietly. When he proposed I fully expected to grow old with him, we joked about what it would be like when we were old...and now its all in tattered ruins...it won't ever happn. Those dreams are just crumbled away, broken and now they are tainted, because of how he is, the alcohol and madness in him I know they are not possible, I don't want them anymore, not like that, not with that. Maybe they were never possible to begin with. I just don't know how to get it out of my head. Sometimes I wish I could erase it all, like in that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I am doing everything I can to inch forward, one hour at a time and get through this...its just so hard.
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