New to site, just kicked out Abusive alcoholic Fiance
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Ofelie 
When he proposed I fully expected to grow old with him, we joked about what it would be like when we were old...and now its all in tattered ruins...it won't ever happen. Those dreams are just crumbled away, broken and now they are tainted, because of how he is, the alcohol and madness in him I know they are not possible, I don't want them anymore, not like that, not with that. Maybe they were never possible to begin with. I just don't know how to get it out of my head.
There is an Alanon book called "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses" that you might find useful. I turn to it when I feel overcome with sadness about what might have been/what I hoped would be. You can find it at Amazon both new and used.
I also remember some very wise person here on SR saying that at some point, she had realized that indeed, she herself had been part of the problem. However, instead of making her feel ashamed, this realization empowered her--if she was part of the problem, then she could be part of the solution. I try to remind myself of this at such times also.
((((great big hugs)))) ofelie. I share your sorrow and would like to send you a little dab of the hope I'm trying to hard to grow...
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Ofelie, I knew I had saved the quote from the SR member somewhere and just now found it. I wanted to post it in its correct form, as I think this is one of the most important things I've read here in almost a year. I hope this finds someone else who gets as much out of it as I have:
For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.
This doesn't address the pain we feel, but it DOES address what we need to do/think as we move beyond that...and for me, realizing I'm not a helpless victim really helps me put the pain in its place and get on w/the business of starting over.
I thank you for your most recent post b/c I really needed to go back over this and work more on it today--you gave me that opportunity and I'm glad for it.
For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.
This doesn't address the pain we feel, but it DOES address what we need to do/think as we move beyond that...and for me, realizing I'm not a helpless victim really helps me put the pain in its place and get on w/the business of starting over.
I thank you for your most recent post b/c I really needed to go back over this and work more on it today--you gave me that opportunity and I'm glad for it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
The day it really hit me that it needed to end was the day he told me I was "so forgiving" and he said it so derogatorily, with venom, and something just clicked in my head. I thought, WTF, he's right, why am I so forgiving of all this. Usually its a good thing to be forgiving, but I was instead a doormat for him. Its as if something just woke up, I stood there realizing I had a choice, that I didn't need to be trampled on. A couple days later he didn't remember saying it, which always freaked me out, his memory gaps. When he said it, I realized right then that I was LETTING him do this to me, I was a willing participant, like you said. I got sucked into his chaos, I became a part of that nightmare and realized that is not the life I want to live. It was as if he had trained me, in all his words of love and devotion and obsession with me, trained me to forget that I had a choice. Once I realized I had a choice whether to let someone treat me that way suddenly I realized I could say no to it. And then I did.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
A few days ago I got an email from him, saying he had to say goodbye, that he truly loved me, but that I am a sociopath and that me he loved was a false persona. I was derailed...for a half a day, just from the contact from him. I sat there, stunned, shocked, and confused, furious, oh so furious. Why, why does he still have such an affect on me? I sat there, staring at the words, and it finally hit me that HE is the sociopath. He was talking about himself, and the end question when he asked me if a sociopath could return from the madness, maybe subconsciously he is asking if HE can return to normalcy. My answer is no, no he cannot, the madness and sickness runs too deep, there is nothing there for me anymore though it is heart and gutwrenching for me to say that out loud. Nothing I ever did, at any point, can justify his insane behavior. His binge drinking, the violence, the insults, bizarre screaming and crying episodes, the paranoia. Again, I repeat it to myself outloud even, so I can drill it in my head. I am NOT responsible for his behavior. I did NOT cause his behavior. I cannot control it. I cannot make him stop and see reason, I can only control my own, I can only walk away from it and stop reacting to it. I should not let him derail me, but it has. God, it has, I am just a mess now, again. I was doing so much better, getting through three or four days now in a row without crying nonstop. Without a tear for days, finally beginning to walk around with my head up like I used to, and now, now I am just thrown back into that numb, raw, broken place where I want to crawl in the corner of the bathroom and never come out, never lift my head or wipe away my tears and acknowledge the world that keeps going on, continuing while he stays stuck in his madness and addiction. Why does it hurt so bad, that he is telling himself I was not real? Why do his words, that were the same repeated paranoid speeches as they were when he was ranting in my face in my house when he lived with me, why do they take me back into that chaos and hell? He makes me feel like I need to prove myself to his paranoia, to his "doubts", sucking me into his madness, sucking me into his insanity again and I hate it, I HATE IT. I want to strike out at him, I want to scream NO NO NO WAKE UP YOU KNOW ITS NOT TRUE, EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ISN'T TRUE...and most importantly I know it isn't true, I want to call up everyone he knows and scream that he is a ****** up crazy liar, that he needs help, etc! I want to rage and rant and cry and disappear. All at once. Part of me stands back and shakes her head at myself, for being stupid and ridiculous about him, letting him have such control and power over my emotions. Its just more of his abuse, his gaslighting, to turn the focus off him, and his problems because he has hit rock bottom finally. In the end, I just sit quietly, letting the tears roll down my face, mourning for the love that maybe never was. Mourning for what might have been but clearly won't ever be. I am back to trying to take it one breath at a time, hoping that the raw, ragged breaths that come from my sobbing will ease soon and become slow and steady again. It feels endless, and its sheer torment. I did a painting of how I felt, but this site won't let me post it anywhere. Oh well.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: England
Posts: 20
Ofelie,
As with most of us I relate to everything that you are saying and feeling!
Please know that what you are going through is perfectly normal and it will, as time passes, start to ease.
I see the emotions we go through as tidal, they come and go and we just have to ride the waves. Don't fight them. As hard as it is, go with them because you will find clarity in accepting how you feel.
I sat in the middle of a field once and cried into my dogs fur as he snuggled in to comfort me, although no one was around I felt silly but it was what I needed to do at that time!
My XAH moved on very quickly after I threw him out, (like yours i think he has a mental illness and can detach easily from others, it means he doesnt have to deal with his shortcomings) although he kept throwing me crumbs to keep me hanging on.
Looking back I now wish I had cut all contact and ties with him a long time ago, in doing so I would of saved myself a lot of anguish. The blame, abuse and denial just kept on coming from him, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!
It is one very hard thing to do because you love him and want to understand. But the answers may never come from him, you will probably just have to draw your own conclusions.
Be easy on yourself, tears are good and in my opinion (I have a very analytical brain) so are thoughts if they help you to process the madness.
Your world has not ended because you are no longer with him, it is just beginning and when you come out the other end of this you will be a stronger, different woman!
We are all here for you and you will gain strength from sharing with such understanding and caring souls.
Take time and take care x
As with most of us I relate to everything that you are saying and feeling!
Please know that what you are going through is perfectly normal and it will, as time passes, start to ease.
I see the emotions we go through as tidal, they come and go and we just have to ride the waves. Don't fight them. As hard as it is, go with them because you will find clarity in accepting how you feel.
I sat in the middle of a field once and cried into my dogs fur as he snuggled in to comfort me, although no one was around I felt silly but it was what I needed to do at that time!
My XAH moved on very quickly after I threw him out, (like yours i think he has a mental illness and can detach easily from others, it means he doesnt have to deal with his shortcomings) although he kept throwing me crumbs to keep me hanging on.
Looking back I now wish I had cut all contact and ties with him a long time ago, in doing so I would of saved myself a lot of anguish. The blame, abuse and denial just kept on coming from him, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!
It is one very hard thing to do because you love him and want to understand. But the answers may never come from him, you will probably just have to draw your own conclusions.
Be easy on yourself, tears are good and in my opinion (I have a very analytical brain) so are thoughts if they help you to process the madness.
Your world has not ended because you are no longer with him, it is just beginning and when you come out the other end of this you will be a stronger, different woman!
We are all here for you and you will gain strength from sharing with such understanding and caring souls.
Take time and take care x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Ofelie
A few days ago I got an email from him, saying he had to say goodbye, that he truly loved me, but that I am a sociopath and that me he loved was a false persona. I was derailed...for a half a day, just from the contact from him.
Have you thought about blocking his access to you and going No Contact? It sounds like a situation where that would be very helpful to you and your healing.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Hammer mentioned above that some long-term As also have mental disorders.
A book that helped me understand my AXH's personality disorder was "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder." I can relate to your situation. Mine continually projects his issues onto me (was just sent a hateful text suggesting I need to be psychologically evaluated).
A book that helped me understand my AXH's personality disorder was "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder." I can relate to your situation. Mine continually projects his issues onto me (was just sent a hateful text suggesting I need to be psychologically evaluated).
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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You have done the right thing even if it doesn't feel like it.
Originally Posted by ofelie
hi everyone. After three and a half years of loving a man who is battling alcoholism and other issues, i finally threw in the towel. I love him, more than anything, and it killed me to have to kick him out. As he went, he claims he wanted to go, and that he does not have a problem. That hurts me most of all i think, but i am trying to be strong for my kids sakes.
He would rage, and forget, he would drink himself sick and black out and that is when it got scary. He would scream and cry, beg and rage, and call me names and i kept thinking it would go away. Stupid me.
He would get insulted over little things, fly off the handle at everything. He would flip, one minute he would be sweet and then suddenly he would just freak out. I loved him anyway. After months of trying to handle it, i got his family involved and he stayed with them for a week or so. They let him drink plenty of beer, and tried to talk him into getting meds, which he pooh poohed away. After he came back, things got worse, and he hurt me badly one night in a rage episode. Terrorized me and my kids, and then told his family i had caused it and made it out to be worse than it was. A couple days later he punched a bunch of holes in the walls, kicked a chicken and killed it, and so i made him get out. He moved to his brothers for 6 months. Quit drinking for a few of those, and we spent hours talking, going out to dinner, trying to fix things. He has some major paranoia issues, anxiety through the roof, but always, always its not him its everyone else who has the problem. Its not him, but me, he said, because he said i am a bitch and a liar, and messed up and controlling and every other thing he could think to say, to take the blame off him. After six months, i let him move home, and he controlled how much beer he had. We had a few meltdown episodes here and there, but just angry yelling and words, and we got past them. He claimed i am his soul mate, perfect for him, he loves me so much, blah blah blah, but slowly, slowly the drinking got worse again and along with it came the rages and paranoia and anxiety. The name calling, the blaming, the insults. He spent hours sitting on the deck drinking, and something would change in him. He would start ranting about crazy things, things like i was having an affair with the neighbors, he claimed i was lying about anything and everything, and that my friends and family were helping me do it. One night he got so drunk he was crying and puking, stumbling and slurring his words. He would scream obscenities, and then say he hated me. Then he would be sobbing, and ask me to forgive him, saying he didn't know what was wrong with him. The neighbors had to show up to calm him down, and the next day, he didn't remember any of his behavior. He said i was making it up to convince him he has a problem. After that, during arguments, if he wasn't raging or screaming names at me, he would sit and stare like he was catatonic, to avoid discussing anything. Finally, one night, he hit me. Slapped me hard enough that it burst my eardrum. I can no longer hear in that ear. He got upset over a comment my son made, and told him to **** off. When i said nobody will talk to my kids that way, and that its not the way a parent should act, he slapped me hard enough to make me see stars. I told him he needed to get help for his mental illness and his alcoholism, and to get out, and he started packing that night. He left a day later, and only came back once to get his work trailer. He is gone, and its like he just walked away from us like we were nothing, like our whole lives, and everything we went through didn't matter. Its like he just turned off his feelings for me and my kids like a faucet, because i insisted he get help. I hate it. It hurts more than i could ever conceive, but i am going to survive this. Its been calmer at home, things are so easy, no arguing at dinner, about dinner, no tension, no tiptoeing. Its easy, but then again, my heart is destroyed becuase i love him and hes bad for me, and my kids. He is toxic, and hes a mess, and no matter what, i can't ever have him back, because i will never trust him again. I can't, for my kids. It hurts terribly badly.
He would rage, and forget, he would drink himself sick and black out and that is when it got scary. He would scream and cry, beg and rage, and call me names and i kept thinking it would go away. Stupid me.
He would get insulted over little things, fly off the handle at everything. He would flip, one minute he would be sweet and then suddenly he would just freak out. I loved him anyway. After months of trying to handle it, i got his family involved and he stayed with them for a week or so. They let him drink plenty of beer, and tried to talk him into getting meds, which he pooh poohed away. After he came back, things got worse, and he hurt me badly one night in a rage episode. Terrorized me and my kids, and then told his family i had caused it and made it out to be worse than it was. A couple days later he punched a bunch of holes in the walls, kicked a chicken and killed it, and so i made him get out. He moved to his brothers for 6 months. Quit drinking for a few of those, and we spent hours talking, going out to dinner, trying to fix things. He has some major paranoia issues, anxiety through the roof, but always, always its not him its everyone else who has the problem. Its not him, but me, he said, because he said i am a bitch and a liar, and messed up and controlling and every other thing he could think to say, to take the blame off him. After six months, i let him move home, and he controlled how much beer he had. We had a few meltdown episodes here and there, but just angry yelling and words, and we got past them. He claimed i am his soul mate, perfect for him, he loves me so much, blah blah blah, but slowly, slowly the drinking got worse again and along with it came the rages and paranoia and anxiety. The name calling, the blaming, the insults. He spent hours sitting on the deck drinking, and something would change in him. He would start ranting about crazy things, things like i was having an affair with the neighbors, he claimed i was lying about anything and everything, and that my friends and family were helping me do it. One night he got so drunk he was crying and puking, stumbling and slurring his words. He would scream obscenities, and then say he hated me. Then he would be sobbing, and ask me to forgive him, saying he didn't know what was wrong with him. The neighbors had to show up to calm him down, and the next day, he didn't remember any of his behavior. He said i was making it up to convince him he has a problem. After that, during arguments, if he wasn't raging or screaming names at me, he would sit and stare like he was catatonic, to avoid discussing anything. Finally, one night, he hit me. Slapped me hard enough that it burst my eardrum. I can no longer hear in that ear. He got upset over a comment my son made, and told him to **** off. When i said nobody will talk to my kids that way, and that its not the way a parent should act, he slapped me hard enough to make me see stars. I told him he needed to get help for his mental illness and his alcoholism, and to get out, and he started packing that night. He left a day later, and only came back once to get his work trailer. He is gone, and its like he just walked away from us like we were nothing, like our whole lives, and everything we went through didn't matter. Its like he just turned off his feelings for me and my kids like a faucet, because i insisted he get help. I hate it. It hurts more than i could ever conceive, but i am going to survive this. Its been calmer at home, things are so easy, no arguing at dinner, about dinner, no tension, no tiptoeing. Its easy, but then again, my heart is destroyed becuase i love him and hes bad for me, and my kids. He is toxic, and hes a mess, and no matter what, i can't ever have him back, because i will never trust him again. I can't, for my kids. It hurts terribly badly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Thanks everyone. Yes, I know you are all right, it just kills me going through this. I am back to square one, second guessing myself about every move. I know in my heart I did the right thing, especially if he is not even acknowledging any of his behavior that caused me to make him leave, but it still feels horrible. I am in such a dark place, learning to live without the man I planned to spend forever with, trying to accept that it is better this way. Its nighttime that is hardest, around dinnertime when I start thinking, and thinking is always bad. I have been searching for books to read, read Codependent No more, etc, but if you all have other suggestions, I will go to the library and see what I can find. Anything to help me stay on track and let go of this nightmare.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Inside the minds of controlling and abusive me by Lundy Bancroft was and remains an eye opener for me.
My xAH I am sure is a narcissist and sounds remarkably like your fiancée.
He tells me, our kids, my own family and any mutual friends who will listen that I am crazy and abusive.
I just stay silent and it's been a good friend filter to see who sees through him and who is blinded by his sociopathic charm.
But at night I still question myself like you're finding yourself doing bc that's the goal of an abuser.
That Lundy Bancroft book is remarkable. Check it out.
My xAH I am sure is a narcissist and sounds remarkably like your fiancée.
He tells me, our kids, my own family and any mutual friends who will listen that I am crazy and abusive.
I just stay silent and it's been a good friend filter to see who sees through him and who is blinded by his sociopathic charm.
But at night I still question myself like you're finding yourself doing bc that's the goal of an abuser.
That Lundy Bancroft book is remarkable. Check it out.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
I'm reading Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood - recommended by a member here. Great book - I feel like she wrote the story of my life. It is helping me tremendously.
I have a longer reply, but I have to be on campus in less than an hour, so I'll reply more this afternoon.
Hang in there... it hurts so much, I know. I'm right there with you on the silence and wondering.
I have a longer reply, but I have to be on campus in less than an hour, so I'll reply more this afternoon.
Hang in there... it hurts so much, I know. I'm right there with you on the silence and wondering.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Ca
Posts: 201
Hello Ofelia,
Welcome to SR. I am currently going through a similar situation. I know exactly what it feels like when he is shutting you out. My ex fiancé (sober for 4 months) is currently doing it to me and does it very well. He knows how to just shut off his feelings. I am still dealing with the pain from the heart break. We do have a son together and I do have to see him every day. So I just take things day by day.
You should also take it day by day. Each day it does get a little better. Cry when you feel like you need to because it does help. Come back on here if you need to vent. I started seeing a counselor, which is helping me. Maybe that is something you should look into as well.
Stay strong!
Welcome to SR. I am currently going through a similar situation. I know exactly what it feels like when he is shutting you out. My ex fiancé (sober for 4 months) is currently doing it to me and does it very well. He knows how to just shut off his feelings. I am still dealing with the pain from the heart break. We do have a son together and I do have to see him every day. So I just take things day by day.
You should also take it day by day. Each day it does get a little better. Cry when you feel like you need to because it does help. Come back on here if you need to vent. I started seeing a counselor, which is helping me. Maybe that is something you should look into as well.
Stay strong!
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