almost had a meltdown last night.
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almost had a meltdown last night.
Everything's been going well but last night I almost lost it. My BF got a new job at a restaurant that closes at 10:00 during the week. I've been enjoying my alone time in the evening and haven't really been wondering about where he is or what he's doing. He seems very committed to his program and sobriety, and I have to take that at face value or I'll drive myself crazy.
So I downloaded a new book (...and the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini, love him!) and was really into it. The bar next to us had karaoke and was SUPER loud so I couldn't fall asleep anyway. They can be real a-holes sometimes but that's another story. I lost track of time and when I looked at the clock it was after 12:00. I started getting that sinking feeling in my stomach. I told myself to stop, but it kept getting worse, and my anxiety really started escalating when I called him at 12:30 and he didn't answer.
A few minutes later he texted 'I'm still here.' I called him again and he said they were short-staffed and got slammed and were still cleaning up. I told him I'd pick him up. He said he didn't want me staying up since I had to work in the morning, and not to worry. It was 4 degrees last night and all I could envision was him biking home and slipping on the ice or getting hit by a car. It's almost 8 miles away in a suburban area and he said he might not be done till 1:30 or 2:00. I told him I couldn't relax anyway. He asked, "even though you know I'm at work?"
It took everything I had to not to start freaking out and ask, "ARE YOU LYING?" The old feelings came right back. I said, "No, I don't want you riding in this weather in the middle of the night. Text me when you're done and I'll pick you up." A few minutes later he sent me a message that said "Thank you for caring."
After that I calmed down a bit, but couldn't shake the feeling of distrust for a while. I sat down at the kitchen table. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I kept telling myself it didn't matter if he was drinking or not because it was beyond my control anyway. It didn't help.
I have come a long way but can only detach so much. I asked him to please take the car until the weather breaks. I work pretty close by and don't mind walking at all. Honestly I could use the exercise. I understand when he tells me that he chose this job in this location and it's up to him to figure it out. He can take the bus but the last one is at 10:30. I am not worried about him biking at all when the weather gets better. He's a pro. I know it will all work out somehow.
I am just annoyed by my reaction last night. I don't want to treat him like a baby, but I know if I were the one working late he'd pick me up so why not let me do the same for him? A relationship is give and take (as a matter of fact he's doing my laundry today, yay!). I know I'm overthinking. This recovery/codependency stuff is a real mind*&^% at times. It can be difficult to discern what is supporting and what is coddling sometimes. I hate second-guessing myself. I don't know if I should talk to him about my true feelings and reaction last night, or use it as a learning experience and food for thought just for myself. I want to be honest but at the same time we're building trust and I don't want him thinking I'm paranoid all the time because I'm not.
If you've been able to stomach this long post, thank you for reading. I really needed to get it out. Thanks for listening.
So I downloaded a new book (...and the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini, love him!) and was really into it. The bar next to us had karaoke and was SUPER loud so I couldn't fall asleep anyway. They can be real a-holes sometimes but that's another story. I lost track of time and when I looked at the clock it was after 12:00. I started getting that sinking feeling in my stomach. I told myself to stop, but it kept getting worse, and my anxiety really started escalating when I called him at 12:30 and he didn't answer.
A few minutes later he texted 'I'm still here.' I called him again and he said they were short-staffed and got slammed and were still cleaning up. I told him I'd pick him up. He said he didn't want me staying up since I had to work in the morning, and not to worry. It was 4 degrees last night and all I could envision was him biking home and slipping on the ice or getting hit by a car. It's almost 8 miles away in a suburban area and he said he might not be done till 1:30 or 2:00. I told him I couldn't relax anyway. He asked, "even though you know I'm at work?"
It took everything I had to not to start freaking out and ask, "ARE YOU LYING?" The old feelings came right back. I said, "No, I don't want you riding in this weather in the middle of the night. Text me when you're done and I'll pick you up." A few minutes later he sent me a message that said "Thank you for caring."
After that I calmed down a bit, but couldn't shake the feeling of distrust for a while. I sat down at the kitchen table. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I kept telling myself it didn't matter if he was drinking or not because it was beyond my control anyway. It didn't help.
I have come a long way but can only detach so much. I asked him to please take the car until the weather breaks. I work pretty close by and don't mind walking at all. Honestly I could use the exercise. I understand when he tells me that he chose this job in this location and it's up to him to figure it out. He can take the bus but the last one is at 10:30. I am not worried about him biking at all when the weather gets better. He's a pro. I know it will all work out somehow.
I am just annoyed by my reaction last night. I don't want to treat him like a baby, but I know if I were the one working late he'd pick me up so why not let me do the same for him? A relationship is give and take (as a matter of fact he's doing my laundry today, yay!). I know I'm overthinking. This recovery/codependency stuff is a real mind*&^% at times. It can be difficult to discern what is supporting and what is coddling sometimes. I hate second-guessing myself. I don't know if I should talk to him about my true feelings and reaction last night, or use it as a learning experience and food for thought just for myself. I want to be honest but at the same time we're building trust and I don't want him thinking I'm paranoid all the time because I'm not.
If you've been able to stomach this long post, thank you for reading. I really needed to get it out. Thanks for listening.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
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Yeah, kind of let's you know there are some thin spots out there on the ice, huh?
Hard to see them in the dark.
I suppose if one is to go skating on the(ir) thin ice after dark, a life vest may be a good accessory.
The lake is cold and deep.
Stay Prayed Up.
Hard to see them in the dark.
I suppose if one is to go skating on the(ir) thin ice after dark, a life vest may be a good accessory.
The lake is cold and deep.
Stay Prayed Up.
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Sorry for your struggle. I also wish I had an answer to control that fight or flight reaction when an issue I cant control comes up. I saw a therapist a while back and he said to put your intellegence before your emotions...but easier said than done...especially when that response can be so deep rooted. Looking forward to others answers. Take care of yourself. And be kind to yourself.
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O Reader...I am sorry you had a bad night. I too know what that sort of anxiety feels like, it is terrible.
One thing I will throw in here is that I worked in a restaurant all through college. When we would get really busy at closing it did take us a long time to get the people out and get it all cleaned up. Sometimes I would get out at 10 and other times not until midnight. Of course I have no idea what he was doing, but it does definitely happen in that business.
I just want you to know I am here, I understand what you are going through. I personally think you are doing great, don't think that just because of one evening of anxiety you have done a backslide, that is not the case.
Have a good and peaceful day my friend.
One thing I will throw in here is that I worked in a restaurant all through college. When we would get really busy at closing it did take us a long time to get the people out and get it all cleaned up. Sometimes I would get out at 10 and other times not until midnight. Of course I have no idea what he was doing, but it does definitely happen in that business.
I just want you to know I am here, I understand what you are going through. I personally think you are doing great, don't think that just because of one evening of anxiety you have done a backslide, that is not the case.
Have a good and peaceful day my friend.
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Thanks Hopeful. I've worked in restaurants too so I know how it goes. That's part of the reason I was so annoyed by my overreaction. Last Saturday night they were slammed and he didn't get home until 12:30 (got a ride from a coworker), and it didn't bother me at all. Go figure. I am not beating myself up, just trying to be aware of what works and what doesn't. Hope you have a good day!
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I think having the awareness that this is more YOUR issue/trigger is pretty awesome, readerbaby.
An exercise that helped me during these panicky freakouts was to step outside of myself for just a moment mentally & ask, "What do I KNOW to be true here?" And just examine FACTS.
Do I know ~for sure~ he is at work? No. But do I know ~for sure~ that he is lying/somewhere else? No. At that moment I can see how I have the ability to control MY reaction.... I know the same amount of information, 50/50 in either direction & it's up to ME to decide which emotion I want to give more attention to.
So then, focus on my gut. Is that "spidey sense" tingling happening only when I am mentally focusing on the negative possibilities? (and therefore, a REaction) Or does it exist, on it's own, not being influenced by my thoughts? (an Emotional Action/Thought from my gut-brain, a true BatSignal that something is "Off"?) If it IS my gut speaking to me, then waiting for "more to be revealed" is all I CAN do.
Even when the mental exercise doesn't go quite as linear than that (I often chase a few circles in my head first) it still helps me to calm myself & recognize the limits of what I can control. HTH!
An exercise that helped me during these panicky freakouts was to step outside of myself for just a moment mentally & ask, "What do I KNOW to be true here?" And just examine FACTS.
Do I know ~for sure~ he is at work? No. But do I know ~for sure~ that he is lying/somewhere else? No. At that moment I can see how I have the ability to control MY reaction.... I know the same amount of information, 50/50 in either direction & it's up to ME to decide which emotion I want to give more attention to.
So then, focus on my gut. Is that "spidey sense" tingling happening only when I am mentally focusing on the negative possibilities? (and therefore, a REaction) Or does it exist, on it's own, not being influenced by my thoughts? (an Emotional Action/Thought from my gut-brain, a true BatSignal that something is "Off"?) If it IS my gut speaking to me, then waiting for "more to be revealed" is all I CAN do.
Even when the mental exercise doesn't go quite as linear than that (I often chase a few circles in my head first) it still helps me to calm myself & recognize the limits of what I can control. HTH!
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Oh, wow, reader. I'm sorry 
Honestly, I think you're doing great! Yes, the anxiety was there but you did NOT ACT ON IT which is so awesome! I say give yourself credit where credit is due 
I have a lot of anxiety. The closer it gets to my AH moving out, the higher my anxiety. When mine gets out of control and I'm alone, I am trying to meditate because it always makes me feel so much better to have a clear, quiet mind. I was doing it every morning before work but have been slacking... I can tell the difference because it just makes my whole day more peaceful.
Honestly, I think you're doing great! Yes, the anxiety was there but you did NOT ACT ON IT which is so awesome! I say give yourself credit where credit is due I have a lot of anxiety. The closer it gets to my AH moving out, the higher my anxiety. When mine gets out of control and I'm alone, I am trying to meditate because it always makes me feel so much better to have a clear, quiet mind. I was doing it every morning before work but have been slacking... I can tell the difference because it just makes my whole day more peaceful.
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First of all great job. You managed to talk yourself off of the "he's lying" ledge. You realized logically that there was nothing you could do about. Awareness of being powerless is the first step.
Should you keep it to yourself? If you chat with him what do you hope to accomplish? A meaningful exchange about your feelings, without guilt or blame, sure. A way of wheedling out the "truth"? Probably not. If it makes you feel better at no expense to the other, then I would do it.
JMHO,
Should you keep it to yourself? If you chat with him what do you hope to accomplish? A meaningful exchange about your feelings, without guilt or blame, sure. A way of wheedling out the "truth"? Probably not. If it makes you feel better at no expense to the other, then I would do it.
JMHO,
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I have this problem too Readerbaby. All it took was an unanswered phone call to RAH and I soon found myself in full anxiety/panic mode. When he was drinking he would ignore my calls which is where this stems from for me. He did finally call back, he turned his phone off while golfing.
I did tell him about my reaction. We had a very calm chat about it which helped him understand my feelings better. I didn't ask him too,.but he now calls me before he shuts his phone off.
Maybe you should share this with him.
I did tell him about my reaction. We had a very calm chat about it which helped him understand my feelings better. I didn't ask him too,.but he now calls me before he shuts his phone off.
Maybe you should share this with him.
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 
Do you think I should just keep it to myself?
I think it's important to be able to go to my partner & say, "Look, I don't know why this is triggering me, but it is & I'm working on it." because sometimes I gt pi$$y when I'm working things through (as does he) or I get quieter than normal because I'm making an effort not to miscommunicate. It is not intentional, but my RAH would often take my "attitude" or silence a bit personally (esp. in early recovery) so I had to just lay it out - I struggle just like you. Just like you don't always have the answers, neither do I.
This is also one of those areas where my RAH's codie tendencies come through - he falters when I'm brooding with stuff like this because he relies on my good mood/energy to be his anchor of sorts. Part of his recovery means that he has to be able to give me the space & time to work things out (i.e. drop his expectations of how quickly I "should" be able to "get over" things).
Sometimes it's important to talk about our triggers & I need him to be able to hear me without judgement. And I think this is one of those things that is specific to each situation - if we weren't trying to rebuild our marriage then I wouldn't take the time to explain any of it to him... but if we're trying to grow individually & as a couple then to some extent, we need to be able to have these discussions.
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Keep it to yourself? This is one situation where I would "hurry up and stand there". You don't know if he's screwing up or succeeding, and investigating only exacerbates the misery. So live your life. If he screws up or doesn't screw up, you can't intervene in a positive way.
My advice is to, if you're sticking with him, try to manage this anxiety -- feelings aren't facts. Exercise, sleep, good whole foods, comforting things, and meds and therapy if necessary.
Ultimately my anxiety was so uncontrollable around this stuff, and the fact that my STBXAH kept relapsing, that I decided the energy managing my anxiety was better spent on other things.
My advice is to, if you're sticking with him, try to manage this anxiety -- feelings aren't facts. Exercise, sleep, good whole foods, comforting things, and meds and therapy if necessary.
Ultimately my anxiety was so uncontrollable around this stuff, and the fact that my STBXAH kept relapsing, that I decided the energy managing my anxiety was better spent on other things.
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readerbaby71----I have never--ever--heard of (or experienced, myself) that early recovery is anything other than difficult on both parties. For the very same reasons that you describe. So, take it a little bit easy on yourself.
Once trust has been lost---it takes a while to build it back. It takes repeated trustworthy behaviors demonstrated consistently over time in a variety of circumstances. It takes TIME.
I have heard enabling described as doing something for someone that they should and could be doing for themselves. I have also heard it advised that anytime one contemplates doing something that a mother would do (for a child)---examine that action. I do think that in a healthy relationship that each cares for the welfare of the other---but, there is generally a lot of reciprocity in that. In a co-dependent situation there is usually a lack of balance--the self gets postponed in favor of the other person a disproportionate amount of the time.
Just thought that these thoughts might be of help to you....
dandylion
Once trust has been lost---it takes a while to build it back. It takes repeated trustworthy behaviors demonstrated consistently over time in a variety of circumstances. It takes TIME.
I have heard enabling described as doing something for someone that they should and could be doing for themselves. I have also heard it advised that anytime one contemplates doing something that a mother would do (for a child)---examine that action. I do think that in a healthy relationship that each cares for the welfare of the other---but, there is generally a lot of reciprocity in that. In a co-dependent situation there is usually a lack of balance--the self gets postponed in favor of the other person a disproportionate amount of the time.
Just thought that these thoughts might be of help to you....
dandylion
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Originally Posted by Florence
Keep it to yourself? This is one situation where I would "hurry up and stand there". You don't know if he's screwing up or succeeding, and investigating only exacerbates the misery. So live your life. If he screws up or doesn't screw up, you can't intervene in a positive way.
My advice is to, if you're sticking with him, try to manage this anxiety -- feelings aren't facts. Exercise, sleep, good whole foods, comforting things, and meds and therapy if necessary.
Ultimately my anxiety was so uncontrollable around this stuff, and the fact that my STBXAH kept relapsing, that I decided the energy managing my anxiety was better spent on other things.
My advice is to, if you're sticking with him, try to manage this anxiety -- feelings aren't facts. Exercise, sleep, good whole foods, comforting things, and meds and therapy if necessary.
Ultimately my anxiety was so uncontrollable around this stuff, and the fact that my STBXAH kept relapsing, that I decided the energy managing my anxiety was better spent on other things.
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RB I totally get it. I had been moving along pretty fine then last Friday I had a complete meltdown panic attact...a go to the doctor and get help sort of attack. I don't know why it was so bad this time. I had done my step books earlier in the day, I was just plugging along and lost it.
We cannot hold it together all the time. We are not perfect. It is important to step back and take a look at the whole. So you had one night of bad anxiety. As a whole, you are doing great things for yourself. That is what is important.
You inspire me!
We cannot hold it together all the time. We are not perfect. It is important to step back and take a look at the whole. So you had one night of bad anxiety. As a whole, you are doing great things for yourself. That is what is important.
You inspire me!
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Maybe ask yourself why you need to share this with him...are you looking for a certain response? What good will come from it? In my issue last week with my RA i felt that if he had just told me that a person who makes ME react badly was going to be at a party he was going to, then I wouldnt have felt those gawd awful feelings of fear when their picture popped up on facebook....well I guess the consequences may have made him aware that there was no trust built that night...but if he doesnt get that, then the words I read on here are, "my words never changed anyone" ...if he doesnt get it...I cant make him! I just keep working the anxiety out on the treadmill.
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I don't know what to expect if I discuss it with him. I don't think I will. He knows it's a trigger for me and something I'm working on. I also realized that yesterday I wasn't in the greatest state of mind when I got home. I was really hungry and ended up binging and feeling like **** about that. After I drank a lot of water and tea and meditated I felt much better, but I think my previous mood contributed to my bad reaction.
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Well if he knows, then thats his side of the street to clean up. Its hard to remember that they arent gonna be perfect and neither we! Progress not perfection! And today is another day...funny how your issue got posted and is something that I have been asking my higher power for help with... This I listened to this while working out maybe you can hear some things that you can relate to! XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
RB I totally get it. I had been moving along pretty fine then last Friday I had a complete meltdown panic attact...a go to the doctor and get help sort of attack. I don't know why it was so bad this time. I had done my step books earlier in the day, I was just plugging along and lost it.
We cannot hold it together all the time. We are not perfect. It is important to step back and take a look at the whole. So you had one night of bad anxiety. As a whole, you are doing great things for yourself. That is what is important.
You inspire me!
We cannot hold it together all the time. We are not perfect. It is important to step back and take a look at the whole. So you had one night of bad anxiety. As a whole, you are doing great things for yourself. That is what is important.
You inspire me!
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