TotallyOut

I'm new to this but... I have been living with alcoholic for 7 years, he has been to detox 8 times and inpatient rehab twice. The longest he has been sober in this time is six months. He just got out of detox in October and He is drinking again. He doesn't drink around me he does it before I get home and after I go to bed. He has only been to one meeting in the last week, and His family and I have confronted him about it. But nothing seem to phase him. He lies to his family and I about drinking or where he is going so he can drink. I'm at a loss on what to do this time around, anybody have and advice?????

sugarbear1

Al Anon.

Maybe get help for you?

Gilmer

This is a great thread for you to see how others have coped with alcoholic partners:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Mentium

Most alcoholics - possibly all, by definition, have no control over their drinking. Many people label alcoholism as 'disease' and it certainly has many features that a disease does. Your partner may feel awful that his drinking is dominating his and your lives but simply can't do anything about it right now. The fact that he drinks when you are not around may well mean that he is avoiding making you feel bad as well as avoiding confrontation about the issue.

All you can really do is be as supportive as you can up to the point where you can't any longer. Options tend to narrow at that point. You can prompt him too perhaps to get back to some sort of programme, but nagging and arguing about it is unlikely. in my view anyway, to have much effect.

You might consider contacting Al Anon too for support for yourself and your family. In case you aren't aware it is an organisation for the support of relatives of alcoholics (and addicts these days). Many people find it a huge help. You should find a branch via the internet.

All the best and good luck.

TotallyOut

Thank you I would love to go to Al-Anon but the closest meeting to my house is 40 miles away. I have read the books associated with Al-Anon and am trying to distance myself and let him deal with himself and consequences. I don't lie to anyone about his alcohol and when I know he has drank I go to a different room or leave the house.

sugarbear1

Search Al Anon online. There's a lot of online meetings you can attend.

autan

Sadly it is our families who we end up hurting the most.

May I make a suggestion, which you are under no obligation to accept.

If he drinks when you are not at home, there must be alcohol in the house or else he is buying it. Do you see where I am heading with this. Cut off his supply and spend more time together as he is clearly not fond of drinking around you.

I could not have come as far as I have without the support of my Wife, there is help available and the rewards for sobriety last far longer than the drink in glass.

The very best of luck.

TotallyOut

He is buying it cause we do not have alcohol in the house. When all this started I quit drinking completely.

foureyedfool

I agree, try to spend more time with him (not that you're not doing so, I don't mean to imply that), but just so that he won't feel like he has the opportunity to drink as much? For me personally, I think drinking became a habit as much as an addiction. Even if I didn't /want/ a drink, I would have one just because, 'Well might as well, I've got nothing else going on'. Maybe he has days like that too, and if you're around it might help to deter him. That being said, if he's been drinking and you don't want to be there for that, I completely understand! Good luck, I hope things improve for you both.

Threshold

I'm going to be blunt. But seriously, this had been going on for ages, he's had every manner of support and second, third, fourth etc chances to address this.

He continues to choose booze over everything.

I am a recovering addict/alcoholic and treatment and support from family and friends is awesome WHEN we are actually doing everything we can for ourselves to get and stay sober. But when we are sneaking, lying and hiding our use so that we can keep them around and keep drinking...why should ANYONE support that?

It is NOT your responsibility to take away his booze, spend more time with him so he won't drink or any other such. It's not your place to have to coax him to attend meetings or work a program, or to worry, wonder and have to leave your own home because he continues to take no responsibility or have no respect for you.

Take care of yourself. There is nothing you can or should feel obligated to do towards him and his recovery. Don't waste the rest of your life fingers crossed that someday he will come around.

There is no more reason to stay with an active alcoholic who is uninterested in sobriety than there is to start a relationship with one in the first place.

Let me repeat I AM a recovering alcoholic/addict, not a vindictive or frustrated loved one.

I know the only way I was ever going to get and stay sober was for ME to want it for me...there was nothing any friend or family member could do to support me until I was willing to get into a program and could benefit from support.

You have a good heart. Take care of yourself, and in time you may well find a partner who can love and respect you back. HUGS

TotallyOut

Thank you Threshold for being blunt, The problem is I am a very soft hearted person and am afraid if I leave something will happen to him and i'll feel guilty and not be able to live with that.

EndGameNYC

Great stuff, Threshold.

Placing our partners under surveillance, monitoring their intake, or babysitting with them so that they won't drink have never worked, and tend to only make things worse than they are.

How many times have I read on SR people who were unceremoniously dumped after sacrificing their own lives so that their partners could get sober? The more our partners' problems become our own problem, the less helpful we become, and the more likely are we to volunteer for victimhood. Some people seem comfortable playing victim, but for those who aren't, the best thing to do is to take care of yourself.

EndGameNYC

It's much too late for that.

jaynie04

I am a recovering alcoholic too. But I wanted to relay something that I was told by a therapist when I was 13. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and worried about everything. I felt responsible if someone got a bad haircut and for world peace, and just about everything in between.

The therapist looked at me and said "You're not that powerful". I have never been so relieved in my life.

Your SO is an alcoholic, he is also an adult. As adults we make choices and all choices have consequences. Running interference on the consequences of someone else's actions interferes with the logical progression of things.

When we drink it is like putting our hand on a hot stove over and over. We need to feel the heat and the pain in order to understand that we need to change our behaviors. If you can imagine yourself as an oven mitt (ok, that was a horrible example, sorry)…..you are taking the burn for him. You are wayyy more than an oven mitt. He's a big boy. As they say on the family and friends forum "let go or be dragged".

A lot of newcomers that come here because of family and friends start on that forum. I think sometimes it is good to hear from all of us, that regardless of who was falling on their swords for us, we were going to do what we wanted to do until it became too painful. We all have different thresholds for that pain, but letting him find his is the only way he has any chance of recovery. Welcome to SR.

least

I agree with Threshold and Endgame. You cannot help him by staying and watching him go downhill. Preserve your own life. You deserve peace and respect.

Threshold

Al-anon. Read up on codependency. Hang out on the Family/Friends section here.

There is NOTHING you can do to stop his self destruction. I know you love him and I know that is painful. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control him.

Your care, guilt or lack of either will NOT save him, fix him etc. But you can save yourself and have a good, satisfying and purposeful life.

Reading some stories on family/friends will bring clarity.

there are many people in this world who actually can benefit from your soft heart, yourself first of all, and other people who are capable of being in mutually healthy and respectful relationships.

I know you may not be in a place today, emotionally or materially to just walk out. But please know that you cannot save him from himself. And you are not responsible for any harm he does to himself or anyone else due to his drinking.

Big hugs. Glad you joined SR.

Threshold

Sometimes when we've lived with this sort of situation for such a long time, we forget...what it's like to come home and not be afraid of what we will find, we forget what it's like to not have that constant nagging fear and head ache, what it's like to go for days, weeks, months without dreading a confrontation, or a lie, or walking on eggshells afraid to set them off.

We forget how to live any other way because we have gotten SO used to contorting ourselves around another person's issues.

But we can learn to stand tall again, be strong on our own, and how to have healthy relationships. It's a process.

TotallyOut

Thanks everyone for your posts you have gave me alot to think about

TotallyOut

I came home after work and today he hadn't been drinking. He even went to an AA meeting and came home sober. But he also got a scare today because one of our friends is in the hospital and we got a call telling us she is heading to Cleveland Clinic because her liver shut down because of cirrhosis of the liver from drinking.

ClearMind

While it's good that he came home from his AA meeting sober, from my experiences these "scared straight" quitting attempts only last for a short time. He needs a recovery plan, and he has to be willing to buy into it 100% or nothing will work. GOod luck!