Sponsor danger
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Sponsor danger
Two current threads garnering a lot of steam in recent days had to do with relative newcomers being exposed to AA for the first time -- one with several months, the other with a few days -- and both have had bad sponsor experiences.
One basically was approached at her first meeting and roped into a stalker-like relationship, complete with uninvited surprise visit to her home and saddled with advice regarding finances and her sex life.
The other adopted a sponsor who had been in the program for eight years but had eight months sobriety at the time, and the newcomer felt off-put by the clique-like nature of his home group.
Both, understandably, are very wary of the program, yet both newcomers have the wherewithal to recognize that it is the people they have dealt with and not necessarily the program itself that has resulted in a negative experience.
That scares the hell out of me. To think that a newcomer could enter the rooms and be stalked, and for another to feel shunned for not falling in step with a relapsing sponsor who hasn't completed the 12 steps after eight years of exposure to the program, and these two "sponsor'' are the face of AA is tragic, to say the lease.
So I thought I would ask for others here to post their positive sponsor experiences.
I'll go first. I'm a dude, and I latched onto a guy in the program who was approaching 30 years of sobriety and told him I was having problems finding a sponsor and he uttered four words that, to me, meant the wold to me at the time: "I will help you."
And he did. I was a mess, having quit booze and benzos at the time and still reeling from a 10-day hospital stay after the cold-turkey benzo whammy hit full strength at about three weeks sober. This man couldn't have been more of an opposite from me on the surface: Republican, scarred Vietnam Vet, former NSA-type spoke. We didn't sit down and begin immediate step work, but he was there for coffee, telephone calls, and to share his experiences. HE never hit with me any controlling behavior, just always related to my issues through is experience, sharing what happened to him, what he did about it, how he reached out for help.
I was living overseas at the time and he had to return to the states, so I searched the rooms for another sponsor, and found a woman, also with 30 years sobriety, who as a retired linguistics professor, having taught in China and South Korea.
With her I started serious step work at about eight months sober. It was mostly written work, and we shared meals, talked of our expat experiences, and spent a lot of time talking of spiritual affairs, her more of the Buddhist variety. I actually did my fifth step with her. I know the man-woman sponsor-sponsee relationship is frowned upon, it worked for me. It wasn't a perfect relationship, but she was the positive hand of AA when I needed it most. I subsequently moved back to the states and have hooked up with my first sponsor.
I've been sober for three years and I attribute a lot of it to having very positive sponsor relationships.
But reading of the negative sponsor experiences of newcomers here, it makes me realize why so many are chased out of AA, how dangerous it can be for newcomers to hook up with a bad sponsor, and how devastating that initial contact to AA can be. I am grateful mine was nothing but a positive, supportive experience.
Perhaps if we share some similar experiences on the 12 step forum, we can repair some of the damage others have wrought.
One basically was approached at her first meeting and roped into a stalker-like relationship, complete with uninvited surprise visit to her home and saddled with advice regarding finances and her sex life.
The other adopted a sponsor who had been in the program for eight years but had eight months sobriety at the time, and the newcomer felt off-put by the clique-like nature of his home group.
Both, understandably, are very wary of the program, yet both newcomers have the wherewithal to recognize that it is the people they have dealt with and not necessarily the program itself that has resulted in a negative experience.
That scares the hell out of me. To think that a newcomer could enter the rooms and be stalked, and for another to feel shunned for not falling in step with a relapsing sponsor who hasn't completed the 12 steps after eight years of exposure to the program, and these two "sponsor'' are the face of AA is tragic, to say the lease.
So I thought I would ask for others here to post their positive sponsor experiences.
I'll go first. I'm a dude, and I latched onto a guy in the program who was approaching 30 years of sobriety and told him I was having problems finding a sponsor and he uttered four words that, to me, meant the wold to me at the time: "I will help you."
And he did. I was a mess, having quit booze and benzos at the time and still reeling from a 10-day hospital stay after the cold-turkey benzo whammy hit full strength at about three weeks sober. This man couldn't have been more of an opposite from me on the surface: Republican, scarred Vietnam Vet, former NSA-type spoke. We didn't sit down and begin immediate step work, but he was there for coffee, telephone calls, and to share his experiences. HE never hit with me any controlling behavior, just always related to my issues through is experience, sharing what happened to him, what he did about it, how he reached out for help.
I was living overseas at the time and he had to return to the states, so I searched the rooms for another sponsor, and found a woman, also with 30 years sobriety, who as a retired linguistics professor, having taught in China and South Korea.
With her I started serious step work at about eight months sober. It was mostly written work, and we shared meals, talked of our expat experiences, and spent a lot of time talking of spiritual affairs, her more of the Buddhist variety. I actually did my fifth step with her. I know the man-woman sponsor-sponsee relationship is frowned upon, it worked for me. It wasn't a perfect relationship, but she was the positive hand of AA when I needed it most. I subsequently moved back to the states and have hooked up with my first sponsor.
I've been sober for three years and I attribute a lot of it to having very positive sponsor relationships.
But reading of the negative sponsor experiences of newcomers here, it makes me realize why so many are chased out of AA, how dangerous it can be for newcomers to hook up with a bad sponsor, and how devastating that initial contact to AA can be. I am grateful mine was nothing but a positive, supportive experience.
Perhaps if we share some similar experiences on the 12 step forum, we can repair some of the damage others have wrought.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 200
My first sponsor was a man much older than me, he did nothing but help me when I asked him questions, I was not ready to do any sort of stepwork because I was such a mess, and I had to detox for a while. So when I was ready to do the steps he was there. he invited me to his home and we worked the steps and the compulsion to drink was lifted. He had relapsed a few months after, and he told me face to face he had relapsed. Obviously i was not happy he relapsed, but I was happy he was back. He was nothing but honest, caring, and guided through the step work. Although he was stern at times, he cared for my sobriety and didn't give me any commands. I really couldn't have asked for better sponsorship.
My other sponsor, we worked through the steps again, and again I asked him a lot of relationship questions, questions about how many meetings I should go to. He has said his experience and said do what feels right. Again he just wants me to succeed and cares about me. I call him often, and when I have problems and ask him, he sometimes says "I don't know." he does not bark orders at me, he looks out for me.
Overall I have had a great sponsor experience. One that I will pass down to my sponsee. I give them suggestions and work them through the steps. I will be stern at times if someone is doing something out of line. But overall my experience is good with sponsors. I have nothing but sponsors taking care of their sponsees in my home group. If something is out of line people will say something.
My other sponsor, we worked through the steps again, and again I asked him a lot of relationship questions, questions about how many meetings I should go to. He has said his experience and said do what feels right. Again he just wants me to succeed and cares about me. I call him often, and when I have problems and ask him, he sometimes says "I don't know." he does not bark orders at me, he looks out for me.
Overall I have had a great sponsor experience. One that I will pass down to my sponsee. I give them suggestions and work them through the steps. I will be stern at times if someone is doing something out of line. But overall my experience is good with sponsors. I have nothing but sponsors taking care of their sponsees in my home group. If something is out of line people will say something.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: South Texas
Posts: 211
my sponsor was fantastic .. he was a younger guy with a good foot in the program and very serious about his sobriety ... he was a musician, an artist, and probably saved my life -- i told him - i am looking at going to prison by the end of the year bc of the choices i have made and i want to be clean and sober up until (and through) it -- he said fine ... and he guided me through the steps, drove me places i needed to go when possible, and ended up being one of my best friends ... he has since moved away and we dont communicate as much as we should - but i love the guy for all he did - and if he ever needed the same i would drop everything to be there to help him.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,068
I asked the coolest looking person who had what I wanted. Unfortunately, he had too many sponsees already. He set up a meeting with him, me and another person; and we decided the other person would work as my sponsor.
We have been working well together for a year. He occasionally drives me to meetings, and has agreed to be my backup when I start as secretary of our weekly AA Men's Meeting.
We have been working well together for a year. He occasionally drives me to meetings, and has agreed to be my backup when I start as secretary of our weekly AA Men's Meeting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
Great topic
I suggest the literature on sponsorship would be very helpful
My sponsor went by the books...not just the Big Book but also the 12 x 12 and she highly recommended the Little Red Book which I still use to this day
She explained the meanings of all the slogans as well as the paradoxes.
She encouraged me to watch the feet...Meaning anyone can talk a great line in meetings...But ask myself [without judgement] Are they walking their talk? Those are the winners to hang out with.
This sponsor challenged me to find the 286 promises in the book
and challenged me to find the warnings of things to be careful of
I can't say it is the most important lesson she taught me bc they were all [and there are too many too mention here] vitally necessary for my growth but one that really stands out in my mind was what she didn't say...she did..
One day she goofed up...I watched...and yes up to that point she was, in my mind, up on a pedestal...but now she fell down...I continued to watch...She did the very thing she had asked me to do...She pulled out her spiritual tool box and put the principles into action...and corrected her mistake. She allowed me to see that 1) she was human and imperfect. And 2) she allowed me to see the spiritual progress in her life by applying those principles...What a tremendous gift.
The other thing she did was she loved me unconditionally...and yes that meant calling me on my stuff and pulling the covers when I wanted to run and hide because I thot this was too tuff or the feelings hurt too bad...She loved me enough to tell me the truth.
She encouraged me to grow she didn't criticize or bully me into growing. She applauded me when I did right and she corrected me when my thinking was flawed. She celebrated my growth and never once put me down. When I was befuddled or overwhelmed she taught me how to pause and pray. She taught me how to clean house...both inside of me and in my environment...and didn't preach at me but demonstrated by the way she lived HOW to APPLY the principles to ALL my affairs
Again great topic
Let's continue to keep AA safe..
I suggest the literature on sponsorship would be very helpful
My sponsor went by the books...not just the Big Book but also the 12 x 12 and she highly recommended the Little Red Book which I still use to this day
She explained the meanings of all the slogans as well as the paradoxes.
She encouraged me to watch the feet...Meaning anyone can talk a great line in meetings...But ask myself [without judgement] Are they walking their talk? Those are the winners to hang out with.
This sponsor challenged me to find the 286 promises in the book
and challenged me to find the warnings of things to be careful of
I can't say it is the most important lesson she taught me bc they were all [and there are too many too mention here] vitally necessary for my growth but one that really stands out in my mind was what she didn't say...she did..
One day she goofed up...I watched...and yes up to that point she was, in my mind, up on a pedestal...but now she fell down...I continued to watch...She did the very thing she had asked me to do...She pulled out her spiritual tool box and put the principles into action...and corrected her mistake. She allowed me to see that 1) she was human and imperfect. And 2) she allowed me to see the spiritual progress in her life by applying those principles...What a tremendous gift.
The other thing she did was she loved me unconditionally...and yes that meant calling me on my stuff and pulling the covers when I wanted to run and hide because I thot this was too tuff or the feelings hurt too bad...She loved me enough to tell me the truth.
She encouraged me to grow she didn't criticize or bully me into growing. She applauded me when I did right and she corrected me when my thinking was flawed. She celebrated my growth and never once put me down. When I was befuddled or overwhelmed she taught me how to pause and pray. She taught me how to clean house...both inside of me and in my environment...and didn't preach at me but demonstrated by the way she lived HOW to APPLY the principles to ALL my affairs
Again great topic
Let's continue to keep AA safe..
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
This is an awesome thread and I was thinking the same earlier on: we hear about the horrible experience with crazies but we could use a thread about great sponsors.
My sponsor was also my best friend. We were friends before I originally got sober in 2001 and after she started sponsoring me, we grew closer.
She put me through the steps immediately. Her approach was about self knowledge rather than self flagellation.
She knew how to make sobriety and recovery exciting and soothing at the same time. We would explore new outlets too whether it is retreats, Reiki healings, new meetings.
She truly went by the AA slogan: "Live and Let Live" and was a believer in rule 62.
She passed away when I was 4 years sober and a year later I relapsed.
I have not gotten another sponsor. I have a home group, I do service work, I did the steps all over again (the way she showed me) and I practice them in all my affairs. She taught me well. I miss her.
My sponsor was also my best friend. We were friends before I originally got sober in 2001 and after she started sponsoring me, we grew closer.
She put me through the steps immediately. Her approach was about self knowledge rather than self flagellation.
She knew how to make sobriety and recovery exciting and soothing at the same time. We would explore new outlets too whether it is retreats, Reiki healings, new meetings.
She truly went by the AA slogan: "Live and Let Live" and was a believer in rule 62.
She passed away when I was 4 years sober and a year later I relapsed.
I have not gotten another sponsor. I have a home group, I do service work, I did the steps all over again (the way she showed me) and I practice them in all my affairs. She taught me well. I miss her.
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
My current sponsor is someone who I would never have picked as a sponsor in a million years. She's a minor celebrity, glamorous and gave shares that suggested her life was way more jet-set and eventful than mine would ever be. We'd also never spoken to one another. Then one day before a meeting, when I was a couple of weeks back from my last time out, she just came up to me out of the blue and asked me how it was going. By the end of the conversation she was my new sponsor, although that wasn't my intention at the start of the conversation and I don't think it was hers either.
We started reading the BB and working the steps right away. We worked the steps exactly as they're laid out in the BB. She said from the outset that she works the steps with her sponsees really fast and I was happy to go with that. As we read the BB and worked the steps, she shared her experiences with me so I could relate my experiences to them. This was especially helpful during step 5. Yes, she pointed out my character defects as I read out my step 4 but she did so in a loving way, giving examples of how she had found herself in similar situations and with similar attitudes.
As I got to know her, I came to realize that I had initially misjudged her by only focusing on her showy exterior. She has 19 years of sobriety, is direct with me, calls me out on my crap and was the first one to tell me to "stay in the middle of the bed of AA". I'm a really private and secretive person yet I never feel like my sponsor is poking her nose where it's not wanted. She holds me accountable but doesn't question me on anything inappropiate.
We've finished the steps but still meet every week to read through the stories at the back of the BB. Once we've finished doing that, we'll work the steps more in-depth, using the 12x12 this time. Not only do I see her at least once a week but she always calls and texts back in a timely fashion if I can't get through to her the first time round. She talks to me like an equal, trusting me enough to open up about her own life and to call or text me if there's something she herself wants to discuss with a fellow AA.
She has a sponsor and recently re-worked the steps herself in order to give up smoking. She is now 3 months without a cigarette.
We started reading the BB and working the steps right away. We worked the steps exactly as they're laid out in the BB. She said from the outset that she works the steps with her sponsees really fast and I was happy to go with that. As we read the BB and worked the steps, she shared her experiences with me so I could relate my experiences to them. This was especially helpful during step 5. Yes, she pointed out my character defects as I read out my step 4 but she did so in a loving way, giving examples of how she had found herself in similar situations and with similar attitudes.
As I got to know her, I came to realize that I had initially misjudged her by only focusing on her showy exterior. She has 19 years of sobriety, is direct with me, calls me out on my crap and was the first one to tell me to "stay in the middle of the bed of AA". I'm a really private and secretive person yet I never feel like my sponsor is poking her nose where it's not wanted. She holds me accountable but doesn't question me on anything inappropiate.
We've finished the steps but still meet every week to read through the stories at the back of the BB. Once we've finished doing that, we'll work the steps more in-depth, using the 12x12 this time. Not only do I see her at least once a week but she always calls and texts back in a timely fashion if I can't get through to her the first time round. She talks to me like an equal, trusting me enough to open up about her own life and to call or text me if there's something she herself wants to discuss with a fellow AA.
She has a sponsor and recently re-worked the steps herself in order to give up smoking. She is now 3 months without a cigarette.
Last edited by Louise82; 01-05-2014 at 11:27 PM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Originally Posted by MemphisBlues 
HE never hit with me any controlling behavior, just always related to my issues through is experience, sharing what happened to him, what he did about it, how he reached out for help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
my first sponsor an i had nothing in common,
though he had a good understanding of the steps.
he took me though them, i worked them to an understanding.
though we parted ways after a year in.
i had outgrown him, and were still friends to this day.
my second sponsor was big dan, and big he was in so many ways.
almost 7' tall with a size 15 shoe!
deep low voice, though so gentle within.
he showed me how to live the steps.
big dan came down with cancer.
during that time, he still came to meetings, and not once complained about the pain he was in,
and always asked others how they were.
in his last days he told me to go find another sponsor, as he was no use to me.
i said you idiot!
your showing something even bigger then the big book!
how to die with grace and dignity!
i currently have a sponsee with advanced cancer, and take what big dan gave me,
and can pass that on to him.
was sponsorless for awhile, then i listened for a new sponsor.
found the one i have now, and i like to say
with this one, were growing in life together.
though he had a good understanding of the steps.
he took me though them, i worked them to an understanding.
though we parted ways after a year in.
i had outgrown him, and were still friends to this day.
my second sponsor was big dan, and big he was in so many ways.
almost 7' tall with a size 15 shoe!
deep low voice, though so gentle within.
he showed me how to live the steps.
big dan came down with cancer.
during that time, he still came to meetings, and not once complained about the pain he was in,
and always asked others how they were.
in his last days he told me to go find another sponsor, as he was no use to me.
i said you idiot!
your showing something even bigger then the big book!
how to die with grace and dignity!
i currently have a sponsee with advanced cancer, and take what big dan gave me,
and can pass that on to him.
was sponsorless for awhile, then i listened for a new sponsor.
found the one i have now, and i like to say
with this one, were growing in life together.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 1,003
I certainly share my experience that sponsoring others is a privilege and a keen responsibility. However, I firmly believe that when someone wants sobriety badly enough, there's really nothing I do that will ruin that. I am not that powerful. Nobody is. And when someone is not really ready, then there is nothing I can do to give them the gift. I am not that powerful. Nobody is.
All the angst over what others are doing or not doing in sponsoring is not needed. I've watched for years and realize today that absolutely ever experience is valuable, both good and bad. And MANY of these stories are completely missing any real context. Online, particularly, we hear only one side.
I absolutely know that my head can make up a story that is convincing, plausible, and also utter delusional. That is my insanity. lol Therefore, I allow others the dignity to be equally insane.
I have but one solution, and it's not my sponsor or anyone human.
All the angst over what others are doing or not doing in sponsoring is not needed. I've watched for years and realize today that absolutely ever experience is valuable, both good and bad. And MANY of these stories are completely missing any real context. Online, particularly, we hear only one side.
I absolutely know that my head can make up a story that is convincing, plausible, and also utter delusional. That is my insanity. lol Therefore, I allow others the dignity to be equally insane.
I have but one solution, and it's not my sponsor or anyone human.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: brooklyn, new york
Posts: 1,639
i've had quite a few sponsors
all positive
they do have a tendency to be controlling
but
you're the one who can keep them at bay
also, heard quite a few bad sponsor stories, shares
what can you do
they're people too
with their own failings
but
sponsor are invaluable
fraankie
all positive
they do have a tendency to be controlling
but
you're the one who can keep them at bay
also, heard quite a few bad sponsor stories, shares
what can you do
they're people too
with their own failings
but
sponsor are invaluable
fraankie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 639
Good thread here! I like hearing everyone's experiences with their sponsors. I've been in and out of AA for 13 years and just got my first sponsor a couple months ago. He has kids my age (I'm 35). For a long time I was afraid to get a sponsor. Fear of reaching out, opening up and truly letting go of drinking. Plus I had preconceived notions not dissimilar from some of the bad experiences people posted here. But, I first met this guy about 2 years ago and he talked to me about stuff only another alcoholic would know about. And not in a condescending or stalker-esque way. I fell away from his meeting and went back out a bunch more times. Did worse things, suffered more misery and shame. Finally when I reached the point of desperation I tracked him down and asked him to sponsor me. It's been good so far. We talk almost every day. He's helped me better my spiritual connection and deal with tough life stuff through experience and hope. My only concern was where I was in the steps because I didn't know if we were working any. LOL yeah I'm an alcoholic, I didn't mind being blind drunk nightly but if I'm trusting someone else I need them to remind me where I am. Anyway he told me a couple of days ago I'm already working the first 3 steps. So that was good to hear. My experience has been a blessing so far.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking and there are no official rules to govern each group. The rooms are full of vulnerable people. The BB and other AA literature is open to the individual's own interpretation of them.
Sponsors are encouraged to get sponsees without taking any responsibility for the welfare of that sponsee, I.e. If a sponsee is still drinking what harm can be done.
The sponsee who is extremely vulnerable often sees the sponsor as a "parent" figure, this can leave the sponsor position open to abuse and, as said, the sponsor is himself a vulnerable person so his views/beliefs/opinions cannot possibly be based on any level of normality, also in part due to his previous life experiences.
I could go on...
Therefore the role of a sponsor is to work through the steps only thereby helping the sponsee to rely on a power greater than them, for other issues seeing a qualified professional in that field would be strongly advised! Remember more often than not the sponsor believes that if he does not help another alcoholic he himself will go out and get drunk again so the sponsee/sponsor relationship is simply a symbiotic relationship wherein it is possible for both parties to benefit....or not sometimes?!
Sponsors are encouraged to get sponsees without taking any responsibility for the welfare of that sponsee, I.e. If a sponsee is still drinking what harm can be done.
The sponsee who is extremely vulnerable often sees the sponsor as a "parent" figure, this can leave the sponsor position open to abuse and, as said, the sponsor is himself a vulnerable person so his views/beliefs/opinions cannot possibly be based on any level of normality, also in part due to his previous life experiences.
I could go on...
Therefore the role of a sponsor is to work through the steps only thereby helping the sponsee to rely on a power greater than them, for other issues seeing a qualified professional in that field would be strongly advised! Remember more often than not the sponsor believes that if he does not help another alcoholic he himself will go out and get drunk again so the sponsee/sponsor relationship is simply a symbiotic relationship wherein it is possible for both parties to benefit....or not sometimes?!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
My honest experience is that I have been used by every sponsor I ever worked with. But I have become the sponsor I always wanted.
The bottom line is I put the Sponsee ahead of my status in AA.
I expect to be gossiped about by sponsees or broken up with or any other plethora of consequences but I know that's par for the course.
Also, when I know a relationship with my own sponsor is "done", I end it, knowing that person has given me what they can.
I hope my sponsees outgrow me at some point. I don't get jealous when they do.
And I don't try to gather them around me for my own comfort and security. I let them be free.
I don't ask or tell other AAs if I'm working with people or how many people. This is about helping God save lives. It's not a contest.
Probably the #1 defect among AAs is trying to be someone in AA.
I'm unique.
I'm an angel of Gods.
The bottom line is I put the Sponsee ahead of my status in AA.
I expect to be gossiped about by sponsees or broken up with or any other plethora of consequences but I know that's par for the course.
Also, when I know a relationship with my own sponsor is "done", I end it, knowing that person has given me what they can.
I hope my sponsees outgrow me at some point. I don't get jealous when they do.
And I don't try to gather them around me for my own comfort and security. I let them be free.
I don't ask or tell other AAs if I'm working with people or how many people. This is about helping God save lives. It's not a contest.
Probably the #1 defect among AAs is trying to be someone in AA.
I'm unique.
I'm an angel of Gods.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
My first sponsor was a tiny little softly spoken Irish lady. She had given me her number quite early on when I had started going to meetings, but I was too shy to phone her when I felt in trouble, and was far more likely to post on SR when I had a crisis. I didn't find it easy to open up to her or anyone face to face and was far more comfortable sharing on line. She was always really friendly to me, and chatted when the meetings were over and we had a cigarette outside.
I didn't approach her until after I'd had a relapse and was really struggling. This happened a few months after I'd been going to meetings. I was really desperate by that point, and knew I'd have to overcome my shyness if I wanted to move on.
She took me on straight away and we worked through the steps. She was gentle with me when I needed her to be, but also told me things straight. She made me laugh because she was such a lady in the way she acted, but then would launch into a verbal tirade containing swear words I didn't know existed!! I remember once, when I was fussing about doing my step 5, she asked me did I f***ing want to relapse?! I put my head down and got on with it.
Looking back I can see she was just what I needed at that time. She didn't involve herself in any aspect of my personal life. I approached her with questions, but I still felt really that I relied more on my support network on SR than I did her. I never really found my spiritual path, but that's because I never really finished the steps properly. I missed out step 9, and never wanted to sponsor either. I started to drift away from AA and stopped going to meetings.
My current sponsor and I have a very different relationship. We have become firm friends and are in contact almost daily, not always about recovery related topics. I have re-worked the steps as laid out in the Big Book with her, really thoroughly this time. I have had a spiritual awakening and have started sponsoring. We laugh a lot about things, she is completely straight about things, and I trust her judgement implicitly. I would tell her anything, and it's this new honesty I have developed that is fundamental to me now. I don't have to pretend I'm ok when I'm not, I can be vulnerable, I can share every success and every little hiccup. As I've moved on, I can just see the joy that has brought her and I understand now how important helping others is to our own recoveries.
I've been very very lucky I know, and it saddens me to read about others who have bad experiences. I hear many positive stories from the people I meet along the way, and wish it was the same for us all.
I didn't approach her until after I'd had a relapse and was really struggling. This happened a few months after I'd been going to meetings. I was really desperate by that point, and knew I'd have to overcome my shyness if I wanted to move on.
She took me on straight away and we worked through the steps. She was gentle with me when I needed her to be, but also told me things straight. She made me laugh because she was such a lady in the way she acted, but then would launch into a verbal tirade containing swear words I didn't know existed!! I remember once, when I was fussing about doing my step 5, she asked me did I f***ing want to relapse?! I put my head down and got on with it.
Looking back I can see she was just what I needed at that time. She didn't involve herself in any aspect of my personal life. I approached her with questions, but I still felt really that I relied more on my support network on SR than I did her. I never really found my spiritual path, but that's because I never really finished the steps properly. I missed out step 9, and never wanted to sponsor either. I started to drift away from AA and stopped going to meetings.
My current sponsor and I have a very different relationship. We have become firm friends and are in contact almost daily, not always about recovery related topics. I have re-worked the steps as laid out in the Big Book with her, really thoroughly this time. I have had a spiritual awakening and have started sponsoring. We laugh a lot about things, she is completely straight about things, and I trust her judgement implicitly. I would tell her anything, and it's this new honesty I have developed that is fundamental to me now. I don't have to pretend I'm ok when I'm not, I can be vulnerable, I can share every success and every little hiccup. As I've moved on, I can just see the joy that has brought her and I understand now how important helping others is to our own recoveries.
I've been very very lucky I know, and it saddens me to read about others who have bad experiences. I hear many positive stories from the people I meet along the way, and wish it was the same for us all.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
BuildWithMe, I cannot thank you enough for what you posted. It spoke to me on a number of levels.
When I had finished reading your post I sat and thought about it for a few moments. I said to myself that what I had just read was inspirational. It's not different from my own way of looking at things, yet I have never had a sponcee say they wanted another sponsor. I thought to myself that I hope I can be as graceful about getting that type of news. You describe the heart and soul of sponsorship, it's not about the sponsor. What resonated so much with me was the selfless tone of the post. In the past I have needed to move on from a sponsor. My wish, after reading your post, was to act with the sort of equanimity that you describe if, or when, a sponcee tells me they need another sponsor.
I sat and reflected on this for a few moments, then the phone rang.
It was a fairly new sponcee. I had not heard from him for a little while. We had a pleasant conversation for a bit, and then, he said he wanted to change sponsors. I was surprised, but I found that it did not bother me. That surprised me even more. Then I realized why. I think it was your post. You see, I knew on an intellectual level that what you were saying was a good way to view it, but I had not experienced it personally, so it was just an intellectual exercise until then. Within minutes, it happened. I sincerely believe that reading your post was exactly what I needed, at exactly the time I needed it.
I believe in synchronicity. I have been a sponsor for many years. For your post to come when it did, with the effect it had on me, in that moment.... was no coincidence. It was not only good for me, but for this sponcee as well. Thank you
When I had finished reading your post I sat and thought about it for a few moments. I said to myself that what I had just read was inspirational. It's not different from my own way of looking at things, yet I have never had a sponcee say they wanted another sponsor. I thought to myself that I hope I can be as graceful about getting that type of news. You describe the heart and soul of sponsorship, it's not about the sponsor. What resonated so much with me was the selfless tone of the post. In the past I have needed to move on from a sponsor. My wish, after reading your post, was to act with the sort of equanimity that you describe if, or when, a sponcee tells me they need another sponsor.
I sat and reflected on this for a few moments, then the phone rang.
It was a fairly new sponcee. I had not heard from him for a little while. We had a pleasant conversation for a bit, and then, he said he wanted to change sponsors. I was surprised, but I found that it did not bother me. That surprised me even more. Then I realized why. I think it was your post. You see, I knew on an intellectual level that what you were saying was a good way to view it, but I had not experienced it personally, so it was just an intellectual exercise until then. Within minutes, it happened. I sincerely believe that reading your post was exactly what I needed, at exactly the time I needed it.
I believe in synchronicity. I have been a sponsor for many years. For your post to come when it did, with the effect it had on me, in that moment.... was no coincidence. It was not only good for me, but for this sponcee as well. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Awuh1, you are most welcome.
I felt a tinge of pain and rejection when broken up with once. It seems you handled it graciously.
If people quit or leave I always tell them "I only want for you to allow someone to guide you through the steps."
And I accept that I was there for that person for whatever time in their lives God wanted me there.
I felt a tinge of pain and rejection when broken up with once. It seems you handled it graciously.
If people quit or leave I always tell them "I only want for you to allow someone to guide you through the steps."
And I accept that I was there for that person for whatever time in their lives God wanted me there.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
I went to meetings for a year and made lots of friends but getting a sonsor was NEVER suggested to me, although I had heard of them. I did ask a lady about it one day however because I heard she had sponsored someone else, and she told me she was far too busy. I left shortly after. Sorry, I know this is supposed to be a positive thread, but it is the only experience I can relay.
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