JackNWA

Hi all. I'm struggling with something I thought I would run past you all. I've been sober for 17 years. I've attended and been active in AA for the first 4 of those, and then again for the last 5 years. The "middle years" I only attended sporadically. However I have remainded sober, and mostly sane, for 17 years. My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years now, and we rarely talk about my alcoholism anymore. She knows when I attend a meeting, and usally says something about "hope it was a good meeting" aftwards. This has been common for 5 years or so.

On Tuesday, she sent me an email while I was at work. All it said was to the effect of "you would tell me the truth if you had slipped, right?"......

To me at least, this was out of the blue. She is adamant she didn't ask me if I had slipped, but only if I would tell her the truth if I did.

I'm really struggling with this. To a certain extent I feel like she suspects that I have slipped, and my ego is hurt. Even if she doesn't think I slipped, I feel like she dosn't trust me, even after 17 years, and it hurts. Has anything like this happened to anyone else?

Thanks,
JackNWA

GracieLou

It does not really matter how she asked and I can understand you being hurt but as you said, that is your ego talking.

It sounds like a good time to have an honest heart to heart conversation. Something is going on with her or with you and it needs to come out into the light.

Sometimes know why there is an issue is not as important as knowing what the issue is.

mfanch

"my ego is hurt"

I think the answer is in the steps. We can only change/control ourselves. When we are disturbed, the problem is with us.

Is this even yours to pick up? My sponsor says that if someone's 'stuff' is just that, their stuff, then I should not pick it up. (maybe she read a story or heard something where someone's hubby hid/relapsed after a long period of sobriety and it scared her....you just don't know). That's hers, though. Not really about you per se.

For you, what defect is being awakened/rubbed the wrong way? You certainly can't afford a resentment, and acting the victim ("being hurt") can become an excuse to drink, also.

All you can do is sweep your side of the street and practice the principles (steps) in all your affairs. You needn't worry about "does she trust me"? If you act trustworthy, then you will become trusted. Are you being of service in your marriage as much as you would like? What can you improve?

You can also simply ask, "why did you ask me that?" and THEN LET HER answer. Or you can let it go (if it is indeed HER STUFF).

Glad you are here.

JackNWA

We've talked about it. She says that it just "popped into her head" and wondered if I would tell her or not. I've asked her for more explanation, if it was something I did, am doing, etc. She can't give me any more than that. That's what makes it hard for me. Thanks for your response though.

PaperDolls

You have to trust her on it. That's really all you can do, right?
The other option is to ask her about it everyday and if she's being honest about it and nag her to death ..... I know you don't want to do that and probably know it wouldn't turn out well.

Let go, Let God.

Get back in the steps. Focus on you.

yeahgr8

I was in a meeting tonight and the newer members with wives or gfs are really hung up on this winning trust back thing. I see it like this if the secretary of the meeting comes up to me just once and slaps me hard round the face and then at the end of the meeting apologises and repeats this over the period of a year and then stops and explains that he has been attending anger management and will never do it again at what point will I completely forget that he put me through a year of hell and forget he ever slapped me? Never of course! Best case scenario I can put it to the back of my mind but if any familiar feelings come up or any similar patterns to his behaviour come along then I am going to be watching out for that slap because I am not an idiot.

So...he can only continue on his journey of not slapping me anymore and take pride in that for if he expects me to forget and ever trust him 100% again he is living in fantasy world.

UncleMeat69

The could be your motivator to get back into more meetings
as well as start working with others or jump into GSR work.
Nothing will more ensure long term sobriety than work above the
meeting level. With your length of sobriety, it can be easy to
fall into staleness.
Most importantly, I suggest you start working the 5 parts of the
10th. Step on a daily basis as this could reveal some of the
underlying issues that are being awakened inside you.

Threshold

I'm guessing she heard or read something recently that popped the idea into her head that had nothing to do with you.

maybe heard from a friend that their spouse had relapsed, or read an article about people slipping during the holidays, or something in a movie or book about a person slipping or about spouses and trust or any one of a hundred different totally innocent things.

I know I've had a spouse or BF ask me stuff out of the blue that was totally "where did THAT come from?"...and I've done the same to them and it was nearly always triggered by some random thing read, heard etc somewhere.

Just the other night I asked my BF what he'd think if I did thus and such, and he said "Why would you ever want to do such a thing!?" and I said, I didn't, I was just wondering how you would react...just because I'd read something online.

fraankie

all you can do is let it go
your sober behavior will convince her to trust you
she may just be a drama queen

Music

Just answer the question.

paul99

I don't have 17 years, but about 6 months ago, with me having 2 years or so, my wife texted me saying "I need to ask you something". I forgot about it until the next day - she hadn't brought it up. I then asked her, and she said that she thought she smelled booze in the car and wanted to know if I drank. I said no, and she took it at that. I was a bit shocked by it, but before I could get my head into a tailspin, I just remembered the hell I put her through for 15 years, and also knowing that 2 years isn't that long of a time. I didn't mind that she asked, and also asked in a non-aggressive, confrontational way. I know that it wasn't her not trusting me, but just asking. I didn't take it any further than that. I had to realize that I was completely untrustworthy for a very long time in my life, so I expected that she would have these moments.

As mentioned in the previous comments, taking a look at the reason for being hurt might lead to some resolution on your part.

foolsgold66

Sometimes the curtains are just blue.

JackNWA

Thanks all for the reply's. We talked more last night, and yes, I answered the question.
It does come from the "wrongs" I did while drinking, and things that she can't forget. So when it popped into her head she asked. I understand that, and can't expect for her to forget those things. Just a blow to the ego of course, which is a good thing actually.... Happy New Year everyone.

Pamel

Having had many years of sobriety and 1000s of AA meetings, I STILL went back out for a while. My husband wants me to "guarantee" that it will never happen again. He also wants me to always be honest. Incompatible.

There are no "guarantees" except on "the maintenance of our spiritual condition" (whatever that may mean to each of us); soooo, I am, and will always be, an alcoholic in remission. Someone who does not have the condition will never completely understand that; all I can do, as others have said, is show by actions each day that I am doing what I need to do to stay sober. Sometimes this entails the husband annoyingly saying: "Have you gone to a meeting today?" Easy enough to just do it; I am never sorry when I have.

kathryn1

It happens to me too. My husband was hurt a lot by my drinking and using drugs so he does occasionally question me about it.

foolsgold66

Yeah, this is a tough one. We can be forgiven but we can't unring the bell.

Music

Wasn't that easy? Don't panic, just be honest.