Relationship now I am sober?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester
Posts: 179
Relationship now I am sober?
Hi guys and gals,
Not been around for a while but am glad to be back and grateful to be 32 days sober. I will have been in AA for two years this January but I've only just started listening I guess. That and getting honest with a sponsor and doing some service and beginning the Steps.
My sponsor and I are meeting up at the weekend after the holidays to do some Step Work and I fully intend to talk to her about this, but in the meantime I could really do with some experience, strength and hope from you guys. I have no desire to drink (for today!) and don't feel desperate but this is bothering me and there's too much to share at a meeting tonight.
Anyways, I've been with my partner for 1.5 years. We moved in together a year ago. I met him in early recovery (stupid I know!) and have subsequently been 'in and out' of AA. When we met I was massively vulnerable & he was so kind and thoughtful and understanding. I was living with an addict prostitute, off work sick & quite isolated so for someone to show me love....it blew me away. He stood by me throughout trips to hospital & even getting arrested. I was honest from the beginning and he accepted it.
Over time despite relapses I built things back up. Got a new job with a promotion, better mental health, more financially secure, etc and I moved away from my old haunts to his home town. We got a new house together (rented) and we've been really happy.
But something is changing in me. I feel like I made a lot of snap decisions out of desperation, and now I feel more ' secure' I feel unsure. He is a great man but I can't shake this feeling of insecurity. I am worried that ultimately if I give it room in my head it will causer issues.
Firstly, he drinks every night. Not alcoholic like I did but every night. He claims it helps him sleep & reduces his pain (he has arthritis). He stays up late every night drinking and I go to bed. We are only in our mid 20s.
Secondly, he is in a band part time and all his socialising is in pubs and clubs with musicians. He tries to get me involved but I can't handle pubs. Usually he understands but sometimes he can get arsey with me.
Thirdly, where we live I have no friends at all apart from people in the fellowship. All my friends are an hour or so train ride away, as are my family. His live right near us, and his parents come to ours every day. I am exceptionally close to my friends- more so than with my family- and I truly miss them. I struggle to see them because between work and meetings I have very little free time.
We also have a dog which I can't stand. Don't get me wrong I appreciate it as a pet but it messes our house so much and I can't stand the mess. It is always me who cleans up after it as well. My friends and family don't like the dog. (It is really boisterous) and are reluctant to stay over. He won't have anything said bad about the dog though- it is his baby.
Finally as I am devoting myself to the programme of AA I feel, rather selfishly, that I don't have space in my head for anyone else. I feel so up and down that it is hard enough to regulate myself without thinking of others.
Can anyone relate or identify? I love him- I really do- but I am just not sure whether this is the right place for me.
I would appreciate any feedback everyone
Not been around for a while but am glad to be back and grateful to be 32 days sober. I will have been in AA for two years this January but I've only just started listening I guess. That and getting honest with a sponsor and doing some service and beginning the Steps.
My sponsor and I are meeting up at the weekend after the holidays to do some Step Work and I fully intend to talk to her about this, but in the meantime I could really do with some experience, strength and hope from you guys. I have no desire to drink (for today!) and don't feel desperate but this is bothering me and there's too much to share at a meeting tonight.
Anyways, I've been with my partner for 1.5 years. We moved in together a year ago. I met him in early recovery (stupid I know!) and have subsequently been 'in and out' of AA. When we met I was massively vulnerable & he was so kind and thoughtful and understanding. I was living with an addict prostitute, off work sick & quite isolated so for someone to show me love....it blew me away. He stood by me throughout trips to hospital & even getting arrested. I was honest from the beginning and he accepted it.
Over time despite relapses I built things back up. Got a new job with a promotion, better mental health, more financially secure, etc and I moved away from my old haunts to his home town. We got a new house together (rented) and we've been really happy.
But something is changing in me. I feel like I made a lot of snap decisions out of desperation, and now I feel more ' secure' I feel unsure. He is a great man but I can't shake this feeling of insecurity. I am worried that ultimately if I give it room in my head it will causer issues.
Firstly, he drinks every night. Not alcoholic like I did but every night. He claims it helps him sleep & reduces his pain (he has arthritis). He stays up late every night drinking and I go to bed. We are only in our mid 20s.
Secondly, he is in a band part time and all his socialising is in pubs and clubs with musicians. He tries to get me involved but I can't handle pubs. Usually he understands but sometimes he can get arsey with me.
Thirdly, where we live I have no friends at all apart from people in the fellowship. All my friends are an hour or so train ride away, as are my family. His live right near us, and his parents come to ours every day. I am exceptionally close to my friends- more so than with my family- and I truly miss them. I struggle to see them because between work and meetings I have very little free time.
We also have a dog which I can't stand. Don't get me wrong I appreciate it as a pet but it messes our house so much and I can't stand the mess. It is always me who cleans up after it as well. My friends and family don't like the dog. (It is really boisterous) and are reluctant to stay over. He won't have anything said bad about the dog though- it is his baby.
Finally as I am devoting myself to the programme of AA I feel, rather selfishly, that I don't have space in my head for anyone else. I feel so up and down that it is hard enough to regulate myself without thinking of others.
Can anyone relate or identify? I love him- I really do- but I am just not sure whether this is the right place for me.
I would appreciate any feedback everyone
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
Congratulations on 32 days!! That's brilliant
Our perspective on people, places & things changes when we get sober and sometimes we have to make new paths for ourselves. In my early recovery I wasn't in a relationship so there was no decision to be made about staying & persevering or lettering someone go and there is no easy answer to your question. Perhaps it is about exploring this with a trusted AA friend or sponsor, or someone outside the fellowship whose opinion you trust?
The saying goes that AA is a selfish programme, so good for you in making it your number one priority and doing all you can to head toward the life you are meant to lead and becoming the person you were meant to be. Over time, as part of this learning, the decision about whether or not your relationship is right for you in sobriety will become clearer. You've already made a really good start here in your post, exploring the pros & cons.
Really identify with being up & down in early recovery! I was all over the place, racing head, full of fear & anxiety, and it was all I could do to maintain a job & going to a meeting every day. That was my life for the first two years & the only major decision I made was to change jobs. I had a sponsor I very much trusted & when we talked about the stuff of life, making decisions, the focus was, what is going to keep me sober? It's as helpful question now, as it was then.
Wish you well & congrats again on your sober time
Our perspective on people, places & things changes when we get sober and sometimes we have to make new paths for ourselves. In my early recovery I wasn't in a relationship so there was no decision to be made about staying & persevering or lettering someone go and there is no easy answer to your question. Perhaps it is about exploring this with a trusted AA friend or sponsor, or someone outside the fellowship whose opinion you trust?
The saying goes that AA is a selfish programme, so good for you in making it your number one priority and doing all you can to head toward the life you are meant to lead and becoming the person you were meant to be. Over time, as part of this learning, the decision about whether or not your relationship is right for you in sobriety will become clearer. You've already made a really good start here in your post, exploring the pros & cons.
Really identify with being up & down in early recovery! I was all over the place, racing head, full of fear & anxiety, and it was all I could do to maintain a job & going to a meeting every day. That was my life for the first two years & the only major decision I made was to change jobs. I had a sponsor I very much trusted & when we talked about the stuff of life, making decisions, the focus was, what is going to keep me sober? It's as helpful question now, as it was then.
Wish you well & congrats again on your sober time
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Congratulations. You sound like me. I have now parted from my partner, but it took a while, it;s best not to make rash decisions so early on and often things can be worked out. I also identify with the dog story. I have still have the dog as a legacy and it drives me nuts
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
I see this a lot. When one person of a couple gets sober they are bettering themselves and want to remove onself away from their partner if they are still using. You should leave him for your own sobriety at least for the first six months. If you are meant to be you will after that. Right now focus on you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 64
I just recently came to the realization after a week sober that one main reason that I was questioning/revisiting my relationship with my ex-boyfriend and entertaining the idea of getting back with him was due to alcohol. We would be so lovey-dovey and happy and have so much fun together without a care when I was drinking (on my end), but when I spent time with him again after having a number of days sober (significant for me), I realized that there were so many things about him that just agitated the heck out of me, but I couldn't realistically be with him sober, and that he wasn't good for me, we weren't good for each other, he wasn't bettering me as a person, that we were on different levels, and that the relationship wouldn't work. Basically, I could be with him drunk, and not sober, and ultimately that's the WRONG kind of relationship to be in, and NOT one I want to be in.
If your sober mind is telling you something different than what your drunk mind is telling you, I'd suggest giving it the time of day, even if its incredibly scary and not what you expected.
If your sober mind is telling you something different than what your drunk mind is telling you, I'd suggest giving it the time of day, even if its incredibly scary and not what you expected.
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