Hi guys and gals,
Not been around for a while but am glad to be back and grateful to be 32 days sober. I will have been in AA for two years this January but I've only just started listening I guess. That and getting honest with a sponsor and doing some service and beginning the Steps.
My sponsor and I are meeting up at the weekend after the holidays to do some Step Work and I fully intend to talk to her about this, but in the meantime I could really do with some experience, strength and hope from you guys. I have no desire to drink (for today!) and don't feel desperate but this is bothering me and there's too much to share at a meeting tonight.
Anyways, I've been with my partner for 1.5 years. We moved in together a year ago. I met him in early recovery (stupid I know!) and have subsequently been 'in and out' of AA. When we met I was massively vulnerable & he was so kind and thoughtful and understanding. I was living with an addict prostitute, off work sick & quite isolated so for someone to show me love....it blew me away. He stood by me throughout trips to hospital & even getting arrested. I was honest from the beginning and he accepted it.
Over time despite relapses I built things back up. Got a new job with a promotion, better mental health, more financially secure, etc and I moved away from my old haunts to his home town. We got a new house together (rented) and we've been really happy.
But something is changing in me. I feel like I made a lot of snap decisions out of desperation, and now I feel more ' secure' I feel unsure. He is a great man but I can't shake this feeling of insecurity. I am worried that ultimately if I give it room in my head it will causer issues.
Firstly, he drinks every night. Not alcoholic like I did but every night. He claims it helps him sleep & reduces his pain (he has arthritis). He stays up late every night drinking and I go to bed. We are only in our mid 20s.
Secondly, he is in a band part time and all his socialising is in pubs and clubs with musicians. He tries to get me involved but I can't handle pubs. Usually he understands but sometimes he can get arsey with me.
Thirdly, where we live I have no friends at all apart from people in the fellowship. All my friends are an hour or so train ride away, as are my family. His live right near us, and his parents come to ours every day. I am exceptionally close to my friends- more so than with my family- and I truly miss them. I struggle to see them because between work and meetings I have very little free time.
We also have a dog which I can't stand. Don't get me wrong I appreciate it as a pet but it messes our house so much and I can't stand the mess. It is always me who cleans up after it as well. My friends and family don't like the dog. (It is really boisterous) and are reluctant to stay over. He won't have anything said bad about the dog though- it is his baby.
Finally as I am devoting myself to the programme of AA I feel, rather selfishly, that I don't have space in my head for anyone else. I feel so up and down that it is hard enough to regulate myself without thinking of others.
Can anyone relate or identify? I love him- I really do- but I am just not sure whether this is the right place for me.
I would appreciate any feedback everyone
